just a quick update

I guess it's been a while since I posted. I was busy with life, and then I started a few posts but never finished. I've had, I think, three surgeries since I last posted. Maybe I'll write about those at some point, but we'll see if I get around to it.

I've been reflecting lately about the ways in which I've been feeling better over time and ways in which that's not really the case. I figured I'd jot some of these things down.

I have noticed that, since my previous two knee surgeries, some sharp pains that I had been feeling on the outside of my knee are not so bad. They're not entirely gone, but these days it's more of a consistent dull ache, which is usually better than sharp pains. A similar thing happened in my ankle, where some sharp pains on the outside of my ankle are happening less frequently since surgery last fall.

Unfortunately, though, there's worsening pain in other parts of my ankle, which seems to be caused by arthritis. My ankle doc ordered some tests recently and said I have fairly bad arthritis in my subtalar joint, and some arthritis in my ankle joint. He wants to fuse my subtalar joint, which is the joint that deals with side-to-side rotation like you'd use when walking on uneven surfaces. I don't feel like going into much detail on the surgery, but basically it just gets rid of the problematic joint by fusing the bones together. I'd probably have less pain, but I'd lose the functionality of that joint. I'm going to meet with him to talk about the surgery, but I'm not sure yet if I'm ready to do it. I think it's something I'll put on the back burner for a while. He's probably right that it would help with the pain, but it would be a big change.

Another fairly recent development is the trouble I'm having when getting out of my car if I don't have much room to open my door. My knee doesn't like moving the way I need it to in order to get out. I have a temporary handicap parking placard, but I'm looking into getting a permanent one.

I'm still able to walk around for a while, but I've found myself getting more and more sore and stiff the next day, especially from that subtalar joint. It's actually been kind of a problem lately because I usually feel kind of okay when I'm walking around, but the pain doesn't really hit until I wake up the next day, so it's hard to tell when I'm overdoing it. When I know I'll be walking around a lot, I usually have to plan to rest the next day. I've started using a cane sometimes lately (which involves a lot of pride-swallowing), especially if I know I'll be on my feet a lot. Lately, the next day after I've been on my feet a lot, I almost always have to use a cane or crutches just to get around my apartment.

It always bums me out that people have to take my level of ability into account when planning activities. Most people in Seattle are very active, so it's hard not being able to join friends when everyone is going for a long hike, going skiing, or going to the trampoline or trapeze gyms (yes, we have those).

When I see people from back home, most of them don't ask anymore how I'm feeling. I think sometimes people can't tell by looking at me that I'm in pain, especially since the worst of it doesn't hit until the following day. When I've had a recent surgery, a lot of people ask if this is the "last one". They mean well when they ask, but I've grown really weary of answering that question. I know people who care about me are uncomfortable with the fact that I'm in pain, so they want to know when that will end. I feel like I need to give them an uplifting answer to ease their discomfort with the situation, and I don't like being a downer, but there's not much I can say. It's always awkward to try and explain that there was an extensive amount of irreversible damage done by the accident, and unfortunately there's no complete "fix". Painkillers do help, and fortunately these days I regularly see a pain management doc who has been a lot of help in figuring out a medication regimen that helps me a bit.

Okay, I need to stop before I make myself depressed. Lest I sound like a downer, I should mention that there are a lot of happy things going on in my life right now, so it definitely isn't all bad. :)