surgery'd

surgery'd

Well, I should probably talk about my surgery. As I mentioned before, it went fine. The doctor was hoping to repair the meniscus. It's rare to be able to do that, since there is not much blood supply to that area of the knee, and the body needs blood in the area to regenerate stuff like that. The doc ended up taking out the offending bit of meniscus, which had been torn and flipped over and was blocking my movement. While he was at it, he removed some scar tissue, in hopes that now my joint will move more smoothly. Hopefully it won't be a problem that part of the meniscus had to be taken out, but it means I have an increased chance of having arthritis when I grow up. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Unlike my other surgeries, I had no trouble waking up from the anesthesia this time (usually it takes me a while). The doctor didn't use dissolving stitches this time, which is good because we discovered after the last surgery that my skin doesn't really like them. The doctor took photos of my knee bent all the way when I was under the anesthesia, so apparently it is possible to move that way!

Now I have to spend just about every waking hour hooked up to this stupid leg bending/straightening machine. It's not too bad though because it does all the work for me. It's kind of painful, but that's what percocet is for. My knee is really stiff and swollen from the surgery but I'm already getting it closer to being straight. I'm making progress again!

I had physical therapy this morning, but we didn't do a whole lot. My therapist and both my athletic trainers checked me out, and they all seemed to be pretty happy. They definitely noticed a difference. As I said my knee is still pretty stiff, but when the therapist pushed on it, my leg was within ten degrees of being straight. Not bad for the day after surgery. I felt so bad - there was a high schooler job shadowing one of my athletic trainers, and the AT had to take off the ace bandaging that covered my entire leg and replace it with a new dressing. The poor high schooler looked like he was going to barf when my knee was unwrapped. It's pretty swollen and bruised. Well, at least he knows what he'll be getting into if he chooses that career path.

NYE tomorrow! I'm not going to make any promises, but I'm going to TRY and stop at "the house". It depends on how the weather is - ice/snow/rain/crutches/porch steps don't mix. Also, I don't know if I want to have Raji drive us all the way to EC if the weather is crappy. We'll probably end up at a party in Chippewa, but I'd like to stop in EC first. If I don't see you, have a happy new year's!

R&R

R&R

I am curled up on my side in my bed, in my house. The covers are pulled up to my chin and there are two cats on the bed, one next to me and one in the crook behind my knees. I do not hear the sounds of footsteps, or dogs barking, or people talking about me, or snoring. I only hear soft noises from Allison in the next room - enough to let me know I'm not alone. I think about the relaxing day that awaits me, which will be spent playing music or spending time with Raji. The sleep that falls over me is not a result of prescription drugs or utter exhaustion. Rather, it is the deep, comfortable sleep that follows a productive day.

This is a typical scenario from my "normal" life. I shouldn't complain, but this is what I miss right now. I'm forgetting what it's like to "rest" or "relax", and that's what I need most.

quick update

quick update

- Surgery went fine. i'll post more about that later.
- Brianna is famous.
- Raji and I are going to try and stop at "The House" for New Year's - it depends on how I'm feeling and how the weather is.

:)

my friends are awesome

my friends are awesome

I'll just write a short post because Raji is over here and we're going to play some gamecube in a few minutes.

Going out to the bars last night was pretty much the most fun thing ever. I think like 52,626 people came out with us. Yay for eating popcorn at the GI! Ryan, Sazama, Raji and I were all together for the first time since the accident. We're usually pretty close, but we've all been too busy lately to get together. We talked a little about the accident. It was lighthearted - we compared scars - but the discussion freaked me out after a few minutes because I suddenly remembered a few post-accident details (though nothing important) that I thought I'd forgotten. The night was also a little sad because Eric is leaving and I won't see him again for a while. I hate growing up. Anyway, it was a great night overall and I was so glad to get out of the house.

Today I had physical therapy, then did some shopping and ate lunch with my parents, and then the Stenners took me to Ikea. Yay! I'd never been there but I've always wanted to go. It was so cool. I bought a bunch of stuff and it wasn't very expensive. The Stenners were pretty much a permanent fixture in my house for several weeks after the accident, but I haven't seen them much lately, so it was good to spend time with them.

Well, I have surgery tomorrow. I don't really know what to expect, but everyone is telling me it will be a piece of cake compared to the other surgeries I've had. It will be less invasive, that's for sure. The doctor told me to bring my crutches, because apparently they want to see how much weight I can bear following the surgery. It's weird to think I'll (hopefully) already be on my feet again after surgery. I'll probably have physical therapy on Friday, so I don't get much time to rest. I have to work on my knee motion ASAP after surgery so my knee doesn't stiffen up. I'm a little stressed about this whole thing because I really hope that I can straighten my leg out soon. This surgery should fix it. But if it doesn't, then what am I supposed to do? I guess I'll figure it out.

Anyway, I'll post again sometime after my surgery.

sweet home chicago

sweet home chicago

As I write this, I'm in my aunt & uncle's home office, looking at the fishies. It's good to have a change of scenery. We decided to stay an extra day in Illinois, so we're coming home tomorrow. Christmas was good. I got a leather coat, and some clothes, and assorted other things. My parents and I exchanged presents a few days ago. It didn't really feel like Christmas since Dan (my brother) was working in WY and Raji was visiting family in FL. And I didn't get to do any shopping of my own, so it wasn't as much fun. But that's okay. Then we came down to IL to do the big family thing.

It was really good to see everyone. I thought it would be overwhelming answering all the accident questions, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. People found other things to talk with me about, which is what I need. I was getting pretty annoyed with my mom, though - I kept overhearing her talking with everyone about my injuries and everything. I was in the room too; I wish she would have just let me talk instead of talking about me. It made me feel like a little kid. I think all my relatives were expecting me to look a lot worse than I do, because when my mom talks to them on the phone, she emhasises the negatives. Well, I guess it's not her fault. There's just a lot of negative things to talk about. I just wish everyone would focus more on my accomplishments than on my problems. That's what I do.

I've had to recount my story of the accident so many times over the past couple days. I've noticed it's getting a little harder to talk about. It's scary when I think about my memories following the accident, and being in the ER, and all of that stuff. It wasn't scary at the time, but it is now. Isn't that weird? I guess I was just sort of in shock at the time, and I was running on adrenaline. After the accident, I spent so much time talking about it that it that it became routine. And I looked and felt like I'd just been in a traumatic accident. Now that I've made so much progress in my recovery, I've become slightly more separated from what happened and now it's weird to think about it. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Anyway, I think I've gone over the proverbial hill, as far as my recovery goes. It's still going to take a long time before things are back to "normal", but I've gotten to the point where I'm starting to do some normal things again, and I'm experiencing less pain overall. I have more energy now, too. I get frustrated pretty easily though, because I know it's still going to be a while before I can move back to EC or play music or drive a car. And I get irritated when people think I'm weak or need a lot of help. I still am weak and still do need a lot of help, but I don't like to believe it. :)

My surgery is scheduled for Thursday. A knee specialist is going to do it. It's weird because I've never met him and won't get to talk to him about the surgery or what to expect until right before the surgery, but that's because they needed to schedule the surgery ASAP. This surgery should be much less invasive than the others. They're going in with the little camera thing to fix it. The doctor who did my previous surgeries tells me this will be nothing compared to what I've already had done. That's good, because recovering from my last surgery was awful. But it's not like I'm getting another metal plate in my ankle, so I guess I shouldn't worry. I just hope they're able to fix the meniscus in my knee. If not, they'll have to take it out. Then I would have to worry about early onset of arthritis. My doctor tells me my knee is the part of my body that's most likely to have long-term problems as a result of the accident.

Anyway, on to the important stuff: I think I'm going out with some people tomorrow night, so consider this your invitation to join us. This will be my first foray into the bar scene since the accident. I'm hoping we'll be able to go somewhere that isn't crowded, which shouldn't be a problem since it's winter break. I can't really have more than one drink, but that doesn't matter. I just want to get out of the house, and hang out with my friends, and do something "normal".

Well, this meandering post was brought to you by my extreme tiredness. I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas, and I'll be back home tomorrow. :)

fuck

fuck

Well, today was certainly interesting. I don't think I have time to write much, so I'll just sum it up.

I had an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon, and I was expecting another lecture because my leg isn't straight yet. But I guess we're beyond the point of lectures, since he said the aggressive physical therapy just isn't working. He said it's time to do another surgery. The surgery wouldn't involve any cutting - while under general anesthesia, they would put a "nerve block" in one of the main nerves in my leg (to numb it) and then the doctor would bend and straighten my knee for me. Then the nerve block would stay in my leg for a couple days and I'd be hooked up to a machine that bends and straightens my leg for me. I'd have to be in the hospital for a couple of days. The biggest risk of this procedure is that the machine might break my leg. I don't have to have this procedure done if I don't want to, but he told me the alternative is that I wouldn't ever gain much more range of motion in my knee.

Then my dad asked if we could have an MRI done just to make sure there's nothing else going on. The doctor said that he was able to bend and straighten my leg all the way during my last surgery, so he didn't think there's anything mechanical that's blocking my motion. He also didn't think the MRI images would turn out well because of all the metal in my knee. But we decided we might as well try it before having the procedure done. Luckily it was a slow day at the hospital, and I was able to get in right away for the MRI. After that, my dad and I remembered that we'd forgotten to have something signed at the orthopedic clinic, so we stopped back up there. My doctor just happened to be available and had already looked at my MRI, so he took us into his office to show us the images. Wow, it's a good thing I had the MRI done. My ACL is torn, just as we had suspected, but as it turns out I also have a tear in my meniscus. No wonder I can't get my leg straight. My doctor apologized for all the lectures about working hard during physical therapy. With the extent of the damage in my knee, it's really surprising that I have the range of motion that I do - and it's just because I've been working so hard.

So I'll be having surgery next week to fix the meniscus, and the ACL surgery will probably be in another six months. When they do the meniscus surgery, I think they'll also be doing the procedure I described above. While it really sucks to have another setback, at least I know that it wasn't my fault that I can't straighten my leg. And I'm hoping that my recovery after this surgery will go much quicker, since it should be a lot easier to straighten my leg.

Welp, so much for all the plans I had next week. So much for taking a class over winter break, and so much for graduating in May.

Whatever, I'll worry about all that stuff when the time comes. I'm getting ready to go down to Illinois to spend Christmas with the extended family. Hopefully I'll be asleep by the time we pass the five crosses alongside the interstate.

I hope everyone has a nice Christmas!

quick update

quick update

Here are some things I'll forget to write if I don't write them down now:

- I added some links: Brian, Ryan, and Ali (my roomie)'s blogs, and Erik's site. Brian likes it when people leave comments. :)
- Here are the updates that the Leader Telegram wrote about some of us who were injured in the accident. As I mentioned in a previous post, the updates accompanied a story about Jessi that was in Sunday's paper. I'm really not very difficult to reach for comment; the reporter was pretty lazy.
- My music history final couldn't have gone better. I figured I'd end up leaving most of it blank since I was gone for so much of the semester and haven't done much reading since the accident. And I couldn't concentrate well enough to study much. However, the final was pretty much all on the material covered since I went back to class. The essay questions were so broad that they were pretty easy to answer. I shouldn't have been so worried anyway - the final was on music in the past 60 years or so. I'm a percussionist, that's my time period.
- Prof. Hellenbrand is letting me take an incomplete in music history so I can finish my paper over break. Say what you will about him, but he's been very helpful through all of this.
- My grade report pisses me off: all W's and IN's (withdrawals and incompletes), with the exception of A's in my percussion classes. Woohoo, I got two credits this semester. What a fucking waste of time and money. I used to pride myself in never having to repeat or otherwise withdraw from a class. At least I have a good reason. I'm usually so committed to school that I have to keep telling myself to not feel like it's my fault that this semester was such a waste.
- Eric came over and had a beer with me last night. Yay! I'm going to make my first venture out to the bars next week. I don't get to drink much at all really, but it will be fun to go out with friends again. It's what I've been looking forward to for a while.

picking up the pieces

picking up the pieces

This morning I stopped in at Chi-Hi. Andrei asked Ben to come in and talk with the percussionists about technique and things like that, and Ben invited me to come along. It was the first time I'd been there since the visitation, which almost doesn't count because I was on heavy painkillers, and I didn't spend much time in the band room. I just about lost it when we came in the building and I saw a bunch of banners with well-wishes from other high school bands. I suddenly wanted to turn around and go home and not have to deal with it. But I held it in well, and the feeling passed, and I went into the band room. It's all decorated for the holidays, complete with a huge, garland-wrapped inflatable moose hanging from the ceiling. I'm not really sure where the moose came from, but it's pretty funny.

I'd heard the office had been completely re-done, so I wasn't too surprised when I saw it. It's cozy - dark red paint on one of the walls and a synthetic wood floor. It was really hard to see it all changed, though. If you've never been in Chi-Hi's band room, the office and band room face eachother and are separated by large windows. As a student I remember G keeping an eye on us through his window, and as a staff member I spent a considerable amount of time in there. The room I remember is completely gone, changed. It was sad to not see a single thing of G's in there. I know that was done at Brian's request, but I hope that once he comes back to teach, he'll decide to bring back one or two of G's things into the office. Or maybe he won't; it depends on what he's comfortable with. Andrei told me that most of G's stuff from the office was given to his family. The rest was put in a box and stowed in the uniform storage room. I don't blame them for hiding it away like that, since I couldn't even bring myself to go look at what was left.

One of the reasons I came with Ben today was to talk to the percussionists about getting all the percussion equipment consolidated and organized. The percussion stuff is in about four different areas of the band room and there's more in the school basement. Nobody ever knows where anything is, and when Ryan and I come in the summer and start setting things up for marching band, we waste so much time looking for cymbals or random instruments. It's nobody's fault, it's just that there are so many people using this equipment and nobody ever knows how or where to put it away when they're done. I asked the students to come up with a system of organization so that everything has a "home". I also asked them to go through the basement and look for cymbals or anything else that could be used in the band room. I don't think there's really anything important in the basement though - it's mostly old battery percussion and drum cases. I put two percussionists in charge of the whole organization process because they have a study hall that they spend in the band room, and Andrei told me they could use a project.

I called Brian last night to make sure it was okay with him that I was asking the students to do that. He thought it was a great idea, and told me that eventually he and I and the other staffers should go down in the basement and decide what old drums and cases we can get rid of. I'm hoping we can put some of it on ebay - the drums are old and worn out, but there are vintage drum collectors out there who may be interested. It's going to be hard to make decisions on some of that stuff. I really don't know why G kept all the drums. He was probably the only one who knew what all is down there. But now I guess if Brian has no plans to use some of that stuff, there's no use holding on to it.

I'm gaining more and more appreciation for the amount of work G did for the school's music department. He had it running like a well-oiled machine. The problem (as I'm sure Andrei knows well) is that he wasn't the best at writing things down. G taught his AP music theory class for years, and had only recently started writing down his teaching methods. Important phone numbers and addresses were on notes stuck in random places around his desk. Shortly after the accident, a new xylophone showed up - G and Brian had agreed upon ordering one but Brian had no idea when it was going to come. I don't know what supplier G ordered sticks, mallets, and drum heads from at the beginning of every season or what exactly he ordered, so hopefully Todd has some idea about that one. We were so fortunate to have a percussionist as our band director, because he knew everything about the equipment. I just about cried today when the kids told me the old set of chimes were broken, because they said they were beyond repair, but I know G would have found a way to fix them. It's weird to be looked up to by Brian as someone who knows percussion equipment (the rest of the percussion staff will probably feel the same way soon). I used to ask G all that stuff, but other than Todd, now there's nobody to look up to. G used to have me replace the strings on the mallet instruments (the strings go through the keys), but I always had to ask him to tie the ends. I could never get it, and he used to tease me for it. I guess I'll have to figure out how to do it now.

These last few days have been rough, and it doesn't help that I have a music history final tomorrow. I haven't studied enough. We'll see how it goes. And because I need more to worry about, one of my cats has an icky sore on his paw and has to go to the vet. Good thing my awesome roommate is going to take him to the vet for me.

Sorry for the downer post. Things aren't all bad - I have a couple exciting weeks ahead of me, I just have to get this stupid final out of the way and then I'll be a lot happier. And it was really nice to get out of the house and see my Chi-Hi kids today. Good luck if you're as unfortunate as me and are still taking finals!

end of the year

end of the year

Branden was supposed to have graduated from UWEC yesterday. It would have been a day filled with celebration for him, his family, and his friends. The semester and the year are winding down, and many of us are ready for new beginnings. But now, as the year draws to a close, three families are facing their first holiday season after their loved ones were taken from them as a result of the accident. Please continue to keep them in your thoughts.

The LT did a story on Jessi's recovery in today's paper. The print edition includes some info that the online story doesn't have: some background information on the crash, a list of the fatalities, and a nice update on everyone who was injured (except for me - "could not be reached for comment", my ass). Here's a link, but you might be required to do a free registration before reading it.

If you haven't done so already, please read the speech Pat gave during the commencement ceremonies yesterday. He posted it on his blog - you'll find a link on the right.

progress.

progress.

Just when I was starting to get pretty stressed out at what I thought was a lack of physical progress, things haved started going a little better again. Yesterday I regained the ability to move my little toe, and also I noticed I'm regaining feeling above my ankle. I guess I didn't even realize how much feeling I'd lost.

Physical therapy went well today. My therapist pushed on my straightened leg some more, which was still painful, but I was stronger this time. He told me that not only was I dealing with it better than before, but also he was pushing on it harder than last time. When he pushes on it hard, it's about three degrees from being straight. My ligaments have been really sore the past few days, which apparently is a good sign, because you have to get your leg pretty straight before your ligaments begin to strain. My therapist also noticed that I'm not getting dizzy or fatigued so easily, which is good progress. This stuff is all a big deal to me, that's why I bother giving details :) After working with my therapist, I learned some new exercises from one of my athletic trainers, and he gave me a physioball to take home. Yay!

So today marks two months since the accident. Can you believe it's only been that long? Time is crawling by. When I think back to how I was doing at various points during my recovery, I can't believe how far I've come physically. The pain is still pretty constant, but instead of being sharp pains from deep within my bones, it's now just more of a general ache. I have a lot of muscle and ligament soreness now, but I don't mind that because it's evidence of my hard work. The last of my bruises are fading and my ankle incision has almost closed up. I still have that stupid upholstery burn on my cheek, but the nurses tell me that should fade within the next year or so.

I hope that the others who were hurt are looking back at October 16th and are happy with the progress they've made since then. I saw Andrew a couple weeks ago and he's walking pretty normally now. One of his fingers wasn't able to straighten yet, but almost. Ryan's cuts are all healed up, and I don't think he's found any more glass lately. Raji is hoping to be able to drive soon - his ankle should be pretty well healed by now. I haven't talked to Ruth much lately, but every time I do talk to her it sounds like she's working hard in occupational therapy and making a lot of progress. Jessie still can't walk, but she is now finally able to answer emails, which I see as a really good sign. I hear the other Jessi went back to school a week or two ago. Brian went to the band concert early in the week and even stood up to give the students a speech. Cassie is currently learning how to walk again, and visited her classmates last week. Andrea seems stronger every time I talk to her. Emotional recovery is going to take a long time for these people and for everyone else affected by the accident, but at least the healing process has begun.

I used to be so angry about all these people I care about having to struggle with their recoveries, but now that I see how much progress everyone has made, I can be happy knowing how far they've come. We all still have a long way to go, physically and emotionally, but I hope I speak for everyone when I say we've reached a point where we can look back and be proud of ourselves for the obstacles we've overcome. We'll have the memories and the scars all our lives, but we'll also have the knowledge that we fought this battle and won.

insert profundity here

insert profundity here

I feel like I should say something profound. But it's always been easier for me to put complicated matters into music, rather than words. I tend to try not to think very hard about matters of life and death. I don't know if I've always been this way or if I've changed since my friend Paul died a few years ago. The way I see it, nothing I can think about will change the way some things are. Or am I worried of the things my mind might dream up? I let my mind wander freely when I play music, but otherwise I try to keep it in check.

CFMA has made available for purchase a photograph of the marching band immediately following their performance at championships, just a few hours before the bus crash. There's a quote on it attributed to G - I don't think it's an exact quote, since I never heard him address his students as "kids", but it's nice all the same. While I'm on the subject, I'm beginning to be annoyed with the description of this year's championships show as the "best ever". As far as placings go, we've gotten third place or I think better in the past. Also, determining which show was the "best ever" is so subjective. And the way I see it, if we reduce the entire season to how the music sounded during the last performance, we're undermining everything G taught us. It's oversimplified. In G's marching band program, it's never been all about the end result - it's been about the path there. And every season is special. Every championships performance is rife with emotion and excitement. Let's not detract from the wonderful memories our alumni have by suggesting to them that this year was better than the others. While I agree that the performance was outstanding this year, what's important is that the students created memories they'll keep all their lives - something that happens every year in that band. Sorry, that rant came out of nowhere. But I do agree that the music was better than ever, and while I think G was happy after every chamionships performance, he was glowing after that one. Anyway, back to the photographs. All proceeds go to Brian's recovery fund. Click here for more info and to see the photos.

end of the semester

end of the semester

I have so many things on my mind tonight, but I don't think they would all translate well into words. I'm too tired, and I'm on painkillers, and some things just naturally can't be summed up in words. But I'll give it a shot.

I was supposed to turn in my non-existant music history paper today. Whoops. Looks like I'll probably be taking another incomplete. I rock at school. This semester was such a waste of time and money. I was looking forward to winter break so that I'd have time to relax and focus on my recovery, but now that I have to make up a class and finish up the classes I took incompletes in, I'm probably going to be just as busy as ever.

My exercises are going okay. I'm still working hard, but I feel like I've gotten to the point where I'm not making much progress. I think all the progress from this point is going to be in small increments, and will involve a lot of hard work and pain. I'm trying to get my leg straight so that the doctors and therapists don't have to straighten it for me. I'll do anything if it means not having anyone push on my leg anymore.

Lately a lot of people have been telling me they don't want to complain to me because they think I've got it worse and won't want to hear about their problems. I like hearing about what's going on in everyone else's lives though, even if it involves complaining. It helps me to get my mind off of the things I'm dealing with, and being able to give advice is kind of therapeutic. I'm worried that people don't think they have the right to grieve or be sad because other people "have it worse". Don't feel that way.

I was going to write more but I'm tired and my brain isn't working well. I'll leave you with a link to the Chi-Hi newsletter (PDF format) with a nice letter written by Dr. Sauter: http://chihi.chipfalls.k12.wi.us/includes/content/file.asp?id=148&view=file

they can't all be good days

they can't all be good days

Well, I went to physical therapy this morning, and it started out okay. Then I started doing a leg press type thing (laying on my back), and my therapist put a 10-pound weight on my knee, and then he started really pushing hard on my leg to try and get it straight. He would push hard for a while, then give me a chance to relax, then do it again. After a few of those, I broke down and started to cry. The therapist gave me a chance to catch my breath, and then tried to straighten my leg some more. Then I worked with my athletic trainer, who noticed I was having a hard day and took it easy on me. Having a breakdown like that was weird since pain doesn't normally have that effect on me. I felt stupid and disappointed in myself. I think part of it is that I'm so stressed out from school. It's frustrating that school can affect my physical recovery like that.

The rest of the day wasn't so bad - my mom and I went to the mall to kill some time before my class. My mom also noticed I was having a hard day, so she did everything she could to cheer me up. I got new PJ pants from Vicky's. They're fuzzy and have a dog on them. That helps.

After class I came home and took a nap. I was planning on going to the band concert at the high school, but my dad woke me up and then told me to go back to sleep because apparently I looked exhausted. I feel really bad for missing the concert, because I know the students and Andrei and probably a bunch of other people wanted to see me there. I think it would have been too overwhelming for me, though. I was so tired that I didn't trust my body to get down the front steps without falling on my face. And it's still really tiring to be around big groups of people. I'll probably try to visit the high school sometime soon, like maybe next week. It's easier for me to go places during the day than it is to go somewhere at night.

To my credit, it wasn't a completely wasted day. I worked a little on a presentation I have to give on Wednesday, and then I did some exercises for a while. My dad told me I didn't have to do exercises if I felt too tired. I must look really shitty today, because it's rare for everyone to be cutting me slack. I don't want people to take it easy on me. I've come to accept that there are a lot of bad days during the recovery process. I'm at such a critical point with my physical therapy, though, that I can't afford to have many bad days. So I'm frustrated and I hope tomorrow will be better. I don't even know what my deal is today, except that I'm tired and stressed out and apparently have a low tolerance for pain.

Anyway, enough about today. As you probably know, I played in the holiday lobby concert at the Fine Arts building last Friday. If you've never seen the concert, it's hard to explain. Basically, a lot of small ensembles play Christmas songs and it's a lot of fun. It's attended mostly by the music department and by old people and little kids. Santa comes to hand out candy canes toward the end. Anyway, I played with the marimba ensemble (or "maramba", if you listen to the news story). It was an amazing feeling, playing music again. The piece we played wasn't exactly challenging but it was fun anyway. Everyone in the department was so supportive of me. I could go on and on about how awesome the music department is, but I'm too tired.

news story

news story

http://www.weau.com/news

click on "Amy's Concert" on the right side

Playing in the concert was the "surprise" I mentioned last week. :)

heavier things

heavier things

I don't like riding in cars anymore. I wish I didn't have to ride to EC every day for class or appointments. I freak out a little every time the brakes are hit too hard or a yellow light is run or whenever it's snowing or dark. When something about the car ride bothers me, I deal with it the same way I deal with everything else - I stop thinking about it and eventually it goes away. Sometimes when I'm in the car and the weather's bad, I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up when we get to wherever we're going. I think it would be hard for me to fall asleep in a moving vehicle though, since that's the last thing I did before the bus accident. I'll be so happy when I can drive myself. I don't know if I'll feel much safer, but I will probably feel more in control of the situation.

Today was long and exhausting, but it wasn't a bad day overall. I went to class using my crutches instead of the wheelchair. It was hard to concentrate on class because the pain in my ankle was pretty bad, but I don't think being in the wheelchair would have helped that. I've just been sore lately because my ankle is getting used to supporting some weight.

I visited with Brian for a while today. It was nice to spend time with hiim again. Talking with him made me start thinking again about things I haven't thought of for a while. (That was an awkward sentence and I don't care.) I'm not going to talk about those things because it's all been said already. Anyway, I kind of feel guilty that I'm thinking about getting my life back to normal sometime in the near future, and in the meantime there are others who were involved in the accident who will be suffering for a long time yet. I know I shouldn't feel guilty because the others are happy to see the recovery I've made, and I think I'm probably a good role model for them as they heal. It's just a weird feeling when you're in the midst of the most difficult time of your life and you know other people you care about are in that same spot. But it brings me hope when I think about how far I've come, and I know the others will come just as far - if not now, then eventually.

When I was at Brian's, he had a few other visitors. One of them said she'd talked to a girl who was riding toward the back of the bus who woke up during the accident. She said it was the weirdest thing - apparently because of the way buses are constructed, in the back of the bus they didn't really feel the impact. It just felt like the bus slowed down and kind of "floated". Because of that and since it was so dark, I guess the people in the back of the bus had no idea what happened. For all they knew, the bus could have just broken down. Isn't that weird? I guess they would have heard the impact, but I don't know what people heard or what they slept through or what they remember. These are the kinds of things I think about when I sit at home all day.

This is kind of a heavy post, so I will end it with something funny. Today I came to the realization that when people become adults, they forget how to make paper snowflakes. You know when you fold a piece of paper and cut some shapes out of it and then open it up and it looks like a snowflake? I think there's some sort of cut-off age when you can no longer make a decent-looking snowflake. Maybe there is an exception if you are a teacher, because someone has to teach kids how to make them. Anyway, I was sitting outside a gas station today while my mom went inside, and I noticed the workers had hung a bunch of paper snowflakes in the window in an attempt to be festive. They were pretty bad. I don't recall seeing real snowflakes shaped like dog bones. The best ones of the bunch were amoeba-shaped things that looked like they'd been attacked with a hole punch during a fit of boredom. My critique is harsh but I don't think my own snowflakes would look any better. I remember sitting at work last year and making some because I was bored, and it was hard! I wasn't happy with any of them and ended up throwing them all away. When I was little, my snowflakes were awesome. Or maybe I was just too young to realize that snowflakes aren't shaped like dog bones or amoebas. Anyway, next time I'll just ask a kid to make some snowflakes for me.

Oh, watch TV 13 tomorrow at 5 or 6.

priorities

priorities

Today was a good day because physical therapy went really well. Last night I did about an hour and a half worth of exercises while my dad coached me. We worked mostly on trying to get my leg straight. During physical therapy today, my therapist & athletic trainer said they could tell I worked on it a lot last night. My knee was a little stiff today when I tried bending it since I focused mostly on straightening last night. That's not a big deal since straightening is more important than bending. I'm so close - I have another five degrees to go before my leg is straight. When I started physical therapy a couple weeks ago, I had fifteen degrees to go.

Despite all my progress in physical therapy, I kind of feel like a failure when I think about how I'm doing in school this semester. I know I shouldn't feel that way because I've been through a lot and it's understandable for me to have fallen behind. I guess I'm just used to thinking about my life in terms of how I'm doing in school. I took an incomplete in another class today because there is no way I'm going to be able to write five papers in the next week and a half. Now I only have one long paper to write, and a presentation to give, and then I'm done. Except that I'm not done; I have a whole lot of work to make up - I have to write those four papers and I have to finish my research project, which I also took an incomplete in. I totally forgot I was supposed to meet with Dr. Don today to talk about the progress I've made on my project. I haven't made any progress anyway. I emailed him last night and told him I'd forgotten and I wasn't prepared. I feel so unprofessional. But I explained that physical therapy is my top priority right now, and he agreed and told me to keep working hard at it. It's unfortunate that the most critical point in my physical therapy has to happen during the busiest time of the semester. It's hard to focus on therapy and not get stressed out by school, but I know that I only have this once chance to try and make a full recovery.

I'm pretty sore tonight and I can't concentrate enough to write well, but I'll fill out Tara's survey in an effort to be creative.

1. What brings you comfort?

Hot chocolate, stuffed animals & my many star-shaped pillows, my cats, friends & family, long bike rides, working out, hooded sweatshirts, locking myself in a practice room late at night and playing piano, relaxing with Raji and Ali, my futon, my patio, enjoying drinks at the GI with friends, spaghetti, Christmas

2. What is one quote that has left a profound impact on your life?

Well, I guess it changes often. A few that I am fond of right now:
"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it." - Maya Angelou
"We need not destroy the past. It is gone." - John Cage
"If someone says 'can't,' that shows you what to do." - John Cage
I am pretty much obsessed with Cage and I could probably fill this blog with his quotes. He was an avant-garde composer who changed the way our society thinks of music. He was also a philosopher and an artist. Read his stuff sometime, it's profound and funny.

3. What are three things on your life-list (list of things you want to do in this lifetime)?

Hmmm, this is a hard one. Ask me next week and it will probably be different.
In no particular order, I want to: get a doctorate, travel to London again (with my family this time), and own a vibraphone.

I added a question:

4. What made you most happy this year?

My recital, celebrating after my recital, getting a big raise at work, enjoying my summer to the fullest, spending lots of time with my friends, realizing what I want to do after college (grad school), making new friends, living with Ali, working with the marching band, finding out so many people were okay after the accident, having so much support during my continuing recovery, and probably lots more things.

Remember that time I was done with the painkillers? Yeah, I don't either...

Remember that time I was done with the painkillers? Yeah, I don't either...

Today started out when I woke up to aching pain in my ankle. It's been a few weeks since pain woke me up. I took some Tylenol and tried to fall asleep again but it was too late, I was already awake. Then my dad came in and changed the dressing on my ankle and noticed my foot was more swollen than usual - which was odd, since I sleep with my foot elevated. We called the orthopedic surgeon and he decided he wanted to see me today. I took a nap and then we went to see the doctor. He said the swelling and pain is totally normal, and to expect more of that as I start putting more weight on my ankle. He said my incision looks fine, and it should close up within a week. He gave me more antibiotics just to be sure it heals up okay. He also gave me a prescription for more percocet. I asked him if I should really be on narcotics again, and he said he wants me to take the painkillers so that I can really work hard during physical therapy. I'm not excited about being on percocet again, but at least this time it will be a much smaller dose - I'll be taking 1-2 a day, instead of 12. I shouldn't have to worry about becoming dependent again. I'm wary of the drugs though, after having so much trouble with the withdrawal.

Physical therapy went well today. I was there early so I ended up having like a 90-minute session. We're getting closer to making my leg go straight...

The percussion ensemble concert was great. I was wishing I was up on stage during "Omphalo Centric Lecture". I can play that piece in my sleep. Watching it from the audience wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, though. I got to play that piece on the concert a couple years ago, so now it was someone else's turn. Hana did a nice job covering my part. It's a tough part and she didn't have much time to learn it, so I was glad to see her do so well. Catherine did a beautiful job on "Marimba Spiritual". It made me think of G - when I was in high school, G introduced our AP music theory class to the video of the performing group Blast!. We insisted on watching it every day after that. One of the pieces on the video was "Marimba Spiritual", which I immediately fell in love with - it's so aggressive and dramatic.

I had a little time after the concert to talk to a lot of my friends. I hadn't seen some of them since they visited me in the hospital. It was so nice to see everyone! I miss being "in the loop." Eric joked with me that I am no longer the gossip hub, but I guess he's right. The downside is that I don't see my friends on a daily basis anymore and in some cases don't really know what's going on in their lives. Yet another reason why I can't wait for next semester, and for things to be back to normal. If you're reading this, send me an email sometime and let me know what you're up to these days. :)

I hope this post makes sense. I'm in such a daze from the percocet. Hopefully it will help me sleep, anyway.

Here we go, week seven

Here we go, week seven

I got in kind of an argument with my parents today. It didn't really have a point; I'm just frustrated with everything right now. I'm going to watch the percussion ensemble concert tomorrow night. It's going to be a hard concert for me to watch because I should be on stage playing on four of those pieces, but I can't because of my injuries. I absolutely love playing in percussion ensemble - I really look forward to the concert every semester. It's fun because the pieces are usually a challenge, and I enjoy playing with the other people in the ensemble. Anyway, I'm frustrated about that, and my dad told me I should be happy I will at least be there to listen to the concert. He's totally right, but I think it's valid for me to be upset that I can't be up on stage with everyone else tomorrow. It's hard being deprived of everything you love doing. But at least it's only been a couple months, and it shouldn't be much longer. I'll be there to cheer everyone on because that's the next best thing.

I've been trying to not feel sorry for myself but it's hard sometimes. After being in an accident, you're expected not only to heal, but also to be "strong". To be a role model. To be so thankful for everything that you can ignore all the hardships. I'm trying to be all of those things, but sometimes I can't help it - my mind wanders and I think about how badly I want to be playing music, or snowboarding, or just comfortably curled up on my futon with my kitties. And I feel like it probably isn't right for me to even say all that, because I know how lucky I am. All day I sit here and think about all the "what-ifs", and I think about how everyone else is recovering - physically, emotionally, or both. It isn't fair for any of us.

Well, there are like two weeks of school left, and I have about four papers to write. It's a good thing I only kept two of my classes this semester. I have to work hard the next couple weeks because nobody is going to write those papers for me. Unfortunately nobody is going to do my physical therapy for me either, and that's taking precedence over school. Oh well, I'll manage - I always do.

Today wasn't as bad as it sounds. The Soules and Andrea came to visit me, which was a lot of fun. I'll be happy when I can start spending more time in the Fine Arts building - I miss everyone!

amy: 1, avascular necrosis: 0

amy: 1, avascular necrosis: 0

I CAN WALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, sorta. I can put some weight on my foot, but not much. The MRI and yesterday's x-rays looked really good. Now my orthopedic surgeon is just worried about my knee. I can bend it further than before, but I still have a ways to go before I can straighten it. He told me that I really have to work hard at it because there's no surgery or anything that can fix my knee if I can't get it straight enough. My orthopedic surgeon makes me mad sometimes because he makes it seem like I just don't want to straighten my leg because it hurts too much. Yes, it hurts, but that's not what's stopping me - my muscles are so tight that I physically can't push my knee past a certain point. But I am working really hard at it, because I'll be damned if I have to have a permanent limp.

After yesterday's doctor appointment, I had physical therapy. I got to try some new exercises now that I can bear weight. I used a leg press type thing. It felt good to use some different muscles, but putting weight on my right heel hurt a lot. It's still bruised because it took all of the impact from the crash. During therapy, I was able to put about 10-15 lbs on my right leg. Now I can kinda put weight on my leg when I'm using crutches. That's a good thing because it will actually help my broken bones heal faster.

Today my family and I went out to eat and I used my crutches instead of the wheelchair, and sat in a booth. My ankle was pretty sore but I'm so ready to be done with the stupid wheelchair. It's a piece of junk. Normally I have to keep my foot up so it doesn't swell too much, but my circulation is improving now that I can put some weight on my foot.

Okay, time to play videogames.

headache

headache

I am in kind of a "blah" mood due to a persistent headache. I know I need to do some exercises and work on a paper, but right now I'm having trouble doing anything other than staring into space or compulsively checking my email.

This morning I made up a music history quiz. Let me rephrase that: this morning I pretended I've been doing the required reading for the past seven weeks. I think I did okay though, thanks to some effective skimming last night. Prof. Hellenbrand talked to me about the outline I turned in for my research paper, and basically told me I need to provide more background information, and said my outline didn't really reflect the things we discussed. I just wanted to say, "what the fuck do you expect from me?" But he's already been really accomodating, and I might as well put some sort of effort into this paper. I'm so angry at my complete loss of motivation. I've been working on an independent study since the beginning of summer and I'm writing my music history paper on the same topic. I used to love spending time in the library working on it. I think lately I'm just too tired to care about school. I have to exercise three or four times a day and it takes a lot out of me. The pain wears me out, too. At least it's getting better every day.

So... doctor's appointment tomorrow. Depending on whether or not I have avascular necrosis (see previous posts), I either get to start putting weight on my ankle soon or I have to wait till like February. I'm trying not to think about it too much but it's hard. It goes without saying that life was so much easier before the accident. But you don't realize until you're in a situation like this just how many aspects of your life have to change. I never used to think anything of standing to play percussion, or moving percussion equipment around, or whatever. Now I have to think about things like, can I be in band next semester? If so, what will I do with my crutches when I'm playing? Will Dr. Heidel give me extra time to tune tympani so I can use my left foot? Will I even be able to stand on my own in time for the semester to start? Stupid details that I shouldn't have to worry about. But it could be worse, at least I can play percussion again sometime. I should be thankful for having the chance to worry about those stupid details.

When I think about tomorrow's doctor appointment, it makes me think about the last time I was there, two weeks ago. That's the day I got my cast taken off and started physical therapy. I've come so far since then. The skin on my leg used to be painfully sensitive and I generally was in a lot more pain. Physical therapy has helped a lot because it has improved my circulation and my muscles have begun to repair. It's amazing how fast your muscles forget how they're supposed to move, but I'm regaining a lot of motion. My knee is still pretty stiff, but physical therapy has helped that too. It's weird when you try to bend or straighten your leg and it just stops. It isn't the pain that stops me; all my muscles are so tight that I just physically can't move it any further. It's totally normal but it's an odd feeling. Anyway, I've gained a lot of strength in the past couple weeks. I hate the fact that I've lost so much weight since the accident. I used to be fairly active but now I've lost a lot of muscle. I hate feeling so weak. I hate not being able to trust my body, and knowing I have to pace myself when I do my exercises because I need enough strength to get back into bed.

On a more positive note, I spent a long time talking with Dr. Crowell today about Chi-Hi and some other stuff. I have a surprise, but you're going to have to wait a week to find out what it is ;)

Thanks for all the comments you guys have been leaving me. They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Today wasn't really as bad as this post made it seem - it was kind of just uneventful once I got home from the Fine Arts building.

I don't know what's up with this site but it hasn't been letting me set the time. It's like 7 - YAY time for more tylenol.

PT & MRI

PT & MRI

I did really well in physical therapy today! On the exercise bike, I was able to do full rotations backwards with the seat at a lower setting than before. Then we raised the seat and I did some more backwards rotations and worked on eliminating some "cheats" that I had been doing to make it easier. Then I was able to do forward rotations!!! I don't think my therapist was expecting me to be able to do any of that today. I've been working hard when I do my exercises at home, and it's starting to pay off. I haven't made a whole lot of progress yet in straightening my leg, though. But we worked on that a lot during therapy today and I learned some new things to try at home. I need to be able to straighten my leg more before I can walk.

The MRI went pretty well today. After hearing about Raji's bad experience (being cold and uncomfortable and having trouble sitting still for the 75 mins), I was worried. But the radiologists got me really comfortable with lots of pillows before they shoved me in the tube. My scans only took about 30 mins total. The machine made some cool rhythmical noises - it was like being inside a techno song. I would have fallen asleep if I wasn't so worried about trying to stay still. I did feel some weird sensations in my ankle, it was like that feeling when the hair raises up on the back of your neck, except it was coming from inside my ankle. It was more weird than painful. I hope the images of my ankle look okay. The radiologists were annoyed when I told them my doctor wanted an MRI despite the fact that I had metal put in my ankle four weeks ago. They seemed to think the images won't show much except for metal. Oh well, hopefully the orthopedic surgeon will still be able to tell what's going on. I'll find out the results on Friday.

Raji's day didn't go so well - his orthopedic surgeon told him he has to wait another month before he can start taking his boot off or drive. He has a slight fracture in one of his ankle bones and his doctor is worried that if he puts too much pressure on it, he'll get avascular necrosis. That's the problem that my orthopedic surgeon is worried about and it's why I got the MRI. From what I understand, avascular necrosis occurs when a bone has difficulty healing because it doesn't have a very good blood supply. My doctor told me that there isn't very good circulation around the ankle area.

I miss playing music. Imagine not being able to do what you love most for over six weeks and counting. I've been pretty patient though, because I know how lucky I am that I'll be able to play again sometime. Once I can start weight-bearing again, it should only take a couple weeks before I can stand on my own, and I'm guessing I'll be able to play percussion not long after that. I just want to be able to play in time for next semester so I can join wind symphony. It might be longer before I can play piano. I could technically sit down and play now, but I can't use the pedal, so it would sound stupid and I'd get frustrated. I wonder how much my playing style will change - after all, I've changed quite a bit. Music is how I express myself, and whenever I write this blog I think about how words just fall short of everything I'm feeling. If I can't put it into words, I can put it into music. If I can't play music, well.. then I'll just have to wait.

Random rant: does anyone else find it strange that the Speculator has done such a shitty job covering the accident? I guess I shouldn't have expected more from them. It's weird that our school paper has sort of dismissed all of us who continue to suffer through physical and emotional pain as a result of the accident. I realize that one of the most important elements of the news is "timeliness" - that is, whether the event happened recently - but the recovery of all the individuals and the department involved is important enough to do several follow-ups. It's no secret how tight-knit the music department is, and you'd think the paper would be interested in how much the accident has changed everything for us. When I worked there (worst semester of my life, by the way), I learned how much disdain the writers have for our "side of the river". It makes me sad when I think about how much the paper's bias may have played into their inadequate coverage and lack of follow-ups. This accident was huge and affected so many people - people who, by our student newspaper's assessment, aren't worth the time or consideration of the rest of the student body. Somehow I think it would have been covered differently if it happened to a different department. And that's sick - why should it depend on what department it happened to? We're all students at the same school. A tragic event like this should transcend any stupid bias. I'm not ranting because I want to be in the paper; I don't know if I'd even grant them an interview since they'd fuck it up. I'm just angry that the writers did the obligatory articles, which they will now stuff into their portfolio files, and now they're done with us. They're back to the important stuff, like their beloved "police blotters" or the glorification of alcohol. That's Reason #25,306 why the Speculator is so awful.

Well, that felt good. In other news, school sucks. I'm only taking two classes now and they're ones I would enjoy under different circumstances, but not anymore. I have to write a handful of papers before this semester is over. Know what else sucks about school? Having to be taken to class by my mom. While I greatly appreciate her taking me everywhere, it makes me feel like I'm 15 again. I can't wait until I can walk and drive, but I'm going to have to fight to regain my independence. My mom is way overprotective of me now. That's understandable, but I need to move on with my life. I'm injured but I'm not a baby.

I'm really not as crabby as those last two paragraphs make me seem. Wow, I had a lot to say today. Anyway, now I have to go study for a music history test... I'll be so glad when this semester is done!

(again, this stupid thing won't let me set the time, so if it matters, it's 8:45.)

Water therapy and other stuff

Water therapy and other stuff

I went to aqua therapy this morning, which went okay. The Eau Claire Y is really ghetto. Are they all like that? I think the Chippewa one is nicer. Navigating the EC Y is difficult. All the doorways are pretty narrow, which is hard with a wheelchair. I had to go through an office to get to the pool because it's just impossible to get there from the locker room. There's this chair thing that can lift people in and out of the water, but it was broken. I was not very happy about having to hop up the steps to get out of the pool. I wish I could just do the aqua therapy at my own gym, but the Y is where the therapy classes are held. Since the accident, I have so much more appreciation for people who are disabled and for all the trouble they have to go through. It's so frustrating to lose all of your independence.

Anyway, tomorrow is a big day: I'm getting an MRI to find out how extensive the damage in my ankle is. Then I have a doctor's appointment on Friday and the doctor will tell me when I'll be able to walk again. I'm eager to hear the news, but I'm not looking forward to the MRI itself. The people at the MRI center don't schedule in patients who have had a surgery in the last eight weeks. My orthopedic surgeon pulled some strings to get me in a month early. I'm thankful for that because it's possible I'll be weight-bearing a lot sooner, but there are reasons why MRIs are not recommended for a while after surgeries. An MRI is basically a big magnetic field, from what I understand. I have a whole lot of metal in my leg and not a lot of protective scar tissue yet. The brochure for the MRI says that the patient may feel "an uncomfortable sensation" if they have metal in their body... and that's assuming the patient hasn't had a surgery in the past eight weeks. I know that after everything else I've been through this MRI will be nothing, but I think I've felt enough "sensations" in my ankle for a while. Valium, please.

Speaking of my ankle, my stitches are starting to dissolve. That's a good thing but it hurts. It doesn't help that my walking cast rubs against the scabs. Ick.

I wrote most of a paper today, and I'll probably finish it up tonight. This is the most work I've done since the accident. I've been having some trouble writing - I don't know if it's because of the head injury or because I have too much stuff going on to focus on anything. Once every paragraph or so I forget what word I'm thinking of and it takes a long time for me to think of it. Even in this blog, I don't think my writing has been very good. I have trouble wording things the way I'd like to. But that's okay because it's just a blog.

A staff meeting has been planned - yay! It's over a month away but I'm excited. I hope it isn't all business though. I just want to see everyone together in one room again. It's going to be so weird. In a typical marching band season, the staff spends so much time together and then we kind of go our separate ways when it's over. I always miss seeing everyone after the season's over but this year is so much different. I think part of what makes the grieving process difficult is the fact that I wouldn't have seen any Chi-Hi staff people after state weekend (not for a while anyway), so I guess I'm not experiencing on a daily basis what it's like for G and Branden and the others to be gone.

For some reason I can't edit the time on this post. It doesn't really matter, but it's 9:40, not 5:40.

tired

tired

I'm happy to report that things with the exercise bike are going better. I've been able to do full revolutions (backwards) a couple times a day. It still hurts but I guess it's getting a little easier.

I got in a little argument with my parents this morning. They want me to go to water therapy tomorrow, which happens to be held weekly at about the same time as my music history class. I pointed out the fact that I missed class last week due to therapy, and they told me that I have to do all the therapy I can in order to prevent having a permanent disability. I don't want to think about the possibility of having a disability, because I realize it's only a slim chance, and I don't do well with negative reinforcement. I don't want to dwell on what could happen. I work harder at my exercises and stuff when I think about being able to go biking or snowboarding again soon. Anyway, I'm going to water therapy tomorrow. I feel bad complaining about my parents because they've done so much for me, but it bothers me sometimes that they can be kind of negative (or, I guess, realistic). I overhear my mom talking on the phone sometimes telling people how long of a recovery I have ahead of me. Also, whenever I talk about living in EC or doing things on my own, my parents act skeptical. Whatever. I don't know what pisses me off more: the things they're saying or the fact that they're probably right. Or maybe they won't be right after all - I like proving people wrong.

I was already pretty bitter today, and then I saw the evil bitch. I looked at her and she pretended she hadn't just been staring at me. And she walked right by.. she hasn't talked to me since before the accident. I could spend a lot longer bitching about her but she's not worth my time.

Earlier today I thought of a few things I should mention on here, but now I can't think of anything. I should stop writing so late because I'm never very good with words when I'm tired. Well, here are some more random updates:
- I'm taking my last antibiotic after I write this post, and then I'm officially done with the prescription drugs (until my next surgery).
- My bruises from the accident are almost all gone!
- ...But I've developed some new bruises from my walking cast. Someone has played a cruel joke on me - the hard support parts in my walking cast go right over the incision on my ankle.
- My hair is growing, very slowly...
- I still have a bump & a sore on my face, which I have a feeling is going to be with me for a while.
- The pain is becoming more tolerable.
- I was talking to Andrea some more, and we decided the staff should really get together soon!
- No more weird dreams yet, but I haven't been sleeping all that well again. I didn't take a nap today, so it should be easier tonight.
- I had a lot of visitors over Thanksgiving break, which was really nice!
- I need to stop going to the mall with my mom and getting new things. I've fallen in love with Bath & Body Works (I never used to care much for "aromatherapy", but I like it now) and I now have more pajamas than I'll ever need.

Blah... Like I said, I don't write well at night ;)
Tomorrow: I'll write about water therapy and my upcoming MRI.

strange dream

strange dream

I just took a nap and had a really weird dream... G visited me in some sort of vision or something. He was going around talking to a lot of people and for some reason I was trying to avoid him, but then we talked anyway. I told him that I'm pretty behind in school. He joked with me that I should get working on that. Then he told me that he's worried about me. I asked him why he came back to talk to everyone but never really got a straight answer. He was really happy, though.

Weird. Especially because my dreams don't usually make enough sense for me to coherently retell them afterwards.

Random updates

Random updates

I just posted a whole paragraph and then realized it sounded bitchy, so I deleted it. Basically I said I complain too much, but my frustration is part of the recovery process. However, I do consider myself incredibly lucky and I think every day about how much worse things could have been.

I don't even really know what the point of that paragraph was. I'm not very eloquent at 1:30 in the morning.

Hmm, well, what's new... I don't remember if I mentioned it, but I stopped taking prescription painkillers about a week ago. I feel so much more alert, and now I kind of have my appetite back. And my ankle is going to hurt whether I'm on prescription drugs or not, so whatever.

I'm kind of able to sleep on my side again, but only for like an hour at a time, and not very comfortably. My hip is all fucked up from the accident, and it doesn't help that I haven't been able to stretch lately. The good news is that I've been sleeping better for the most part. My sleep schedule is a little screwed up because I usually become exhausted and take a nap partway through the day.

School is kicking my ass.

I miss being around people my own age. I spend most of my time at home with my parents. I don't get many visitors anymore, so the only times I really get to socialize is for a few minutes before or after my classes. I guess I shouldn't worry too much because winter break is coming up quickly.

My incisions are healing!

Physical therapy is hard work. My therapists keep telling me that I have to work hard so that I don't walk with a limp and so I don't have to wear this knee brace thing. I haven't seen the brace, I've only heard horror stories, but it's enough to make me work harder. I'll be starting water therapy pretty soon, which should be a nice change. My parents bought an exercise bike to replace their old one, so I have to use it several times a day now. Yesterday at therapy I was able to pedal backwards on the bike through a full rotation. It fucking hurt. Not enough to make me cry, but pretty close. I had to pedal all the way around a bunch of times for like three minutes. Today at home I didn't try to do a full rotation, which kind of made me feel like a failure, but I needed to take a break. It makes me mad that I can't push myself harder.

Today I was really crabby and needed to get out of the house, so my dad took me to visit my house in EC. It was nice to see Ali and I got to see my cool neighbors for the first time since the accident.

Congrats to Nicole/Mark and Pat/Allison! I know two couples who got engaged today ;)

Now that Thanksgiving break is almost over and everyone is driving back to school, please remember to DRIVE SAFE and always buckle your seatbelt!

Thanksgiving break

Thanksgiving break

Thanksgiving break is only half over, but I'm already thinking about everyone leaving to go back to school. My brother went back to WY today. I was so excited for everyone to come home, and now that everyone's leaving again I don't have much to look forward to until Christmas break. At least that isn't too far away. I know I really shouldn't complain, but I'm just bored. I don't get many visitors anymore, and I miss doing everything I used to do. I go to one class a day, but otherwise I sit at home and either use my computer or stare at some homework. My mom cleans this room pretty much daily. I try to not be annoyed because I know she's just trying to help. She'd rather be Christmas shopping and I'd rather be doing, well, anything else. I really miss my house in EC.

I had a really good chat with Andrea last night. We're not exactly in the same situation (I can't imagine what she's going through right now), but we're feeling a lot of the same emotions. Which is to say we're both pretty angry. It'll take time, but we're both tough and we'll get through it.

When I was talking with her I realized how much I miss playing in wind symphony. I don't know if I can really explain it, but playing in that ensemble is pretty much exactly what I need right now. I wasn't playing percussion in wind symphony this semester because I have enough large ensemble credits and there are lots of percussionists who need credits yet, so I had to take the semester off. Well, I guess that worked out for the best anyway, given my current situation. I'm hoping Dr. C and Dr. H will let me play in the ensemble next semester, but it all depends on when I can put weight on my ankle again.

I'd write more but I have to go to physical therapy now. Fun times...

sick of titles

sick of titles

When I visited with Brian yesterday he talked about feeling guilty as a result of the accident. I didn't understand what he was talking about - why would he think any of this is his fault? But now I think I know what he meant, though I wouldn't call it "guilt". I don't really know how to put it into words, except to say that it's just not fair how badly some of us were hurt. I can deal with this and I'll be okay but I don't like that other people are going through the same and worse. It pisses me off that it's going to be so long before Jessie or some of the others can walk or make an attempt at living a normal life.

So now in addition to working on my recovery (which is a full-time job), I also have to think about how badly some of my friends got hurt and I have yet to begin the greiving process. Where do I start? A mind can only wrap itself around so much. It seems like everyone else is currently greiving, but when I think of the accident I'm still only thinking about things like, where was my sweatshirt? and what was I wearing? and how did I get a black eye?

Tuesdays with Brian

Tuesdays with Brian

As promised, here is my post about visiting with Brian tonight. I'm pretty tired right now and I'm still trying to sort things out in my mind, so it might not be a very long post.. or maybe it will be. We talked for over two hours, so I could probably fill an entire blog with all the stuff we talked about. But I won't.

I went over to Brian's with my brother, and I got to try out the new chair lift. It was fun! I want one. It's just this seat that travels diagonally up the staircase. It's nice to see that the workers comp people figured out how to get him in and out of his house.

I was nervous to see him but I felt so much better after I talked to him. I think he felt the same way. We both realized that we're going through a lot of the same things. We have very similar leg injuries, and he's doing some of the same physical therapy stuff that I am (minus the exercise bike, of course). When I looked at him, I basically saw where I was at a few weeks ago. He's lost a lot of weight and is having trouble eating, which is the same problem I was having when I was still on the painkillers. I told him that he'll feel so much better once the pain isn't so bad and he's able to wean himself off the drugs. I'm finally getting my appetite back and I think I'm starting to gain some weight back, which is a good thing. It's hard when you know you need to eat in order to get the energy to recover, but eating is the last thing you want to do. It's going to take him longer to get to the point I'm at now, but I'm surprised at how quickly he's healed so far. I think the key is getting to the point where you don't need painkillers anymore. It's hard to feel "normal" while on that many drugs. Anyway, I hope it helped for him to see me at the point I'm at in my recovery, which won't take him too long to reach.

As I expected, he wanted to talk a little about what happened during the accident. It was hard listening to his experience, but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I guess I can't think of a good way to put it into words. I think it was helpful for both of us to try and piece things together. I realized after talking to Brian today that Jessi M., one of the people who was hurt really badly, was sitting right behind me. It's weird that she was hurt worse than me. Anyway, I'm not going to go into detail about all the things Brian said. You can ask me if you want to hear about it, but I just don't want to traumatize everyone by posting it on my public blog. And like I said in one of my last posts, it's hard for me to deal with the fact that people I care about so much had to see what they did.

Brian asked me how I'm doing with the greiving process, and I told him it hasn't hit me yet. He feels the same way. He said he wants to call Branden's parents but he hasn't because he doesn't totally understand everything yet. He wants to wait until he feels it to talk to Branden's family.

Anyway, we talked about a lot of stuff, but I'm too tired to really do a good job of putting it into words. I think words are inadequate sometimes anyway when it comes to things like this. I really wish I could just lock myself in a practice room and play some Chopin. But overall, visiting Brian was really helpful for both of us and I can't wait to see him again.

Quick note

Quick note

I'm finding out that people actually read this thing. The support everyone has been giving me is amazing.. it really helps. Having a blog is handy because I can keep everyone updated on what's going on.

I just wanted to make a quick post to let everyone know that the Herald is going to do a story on Brian for tomorrow's paper. Also, TV-13 is doing a story on Cassie Gast, the 11 (or 12?)-year-old girl who survived the crash. It'll be on tomorrow's 10:00 newscast.

Here are some new photos of Brian:
http://cfma.info/crash/photos/misc/2005.1121.collicott/

I'll probably post again after I visit Brian tonight.

Too many things to deal with...

Too many things to deal with...

Physical therapy went well today. I got on the exercise bike and was able to do like half a rotation, which was more progress than my therapist expected. It was hard work - after ten minutes of that I felt like I'd just run a marathon. Physical therapy is by far the most difficult part of the healing/recovery process. It requires a lot of strength and willpower. Oh, and it hurts. The thing about physical therapy is that nobody can do it for you. That sounds obvious, but if you think about it, everything that's happened so far has been done to me (usually with the help of prescription drugs) - surgeries, x-rays, casts, etc. Despite the difficulty, I like PT so far. Regaining flexibility in my knee is tough but it's pretty much the first thing I've had any control over in the past five weeks. Having control over something in my life makes everything a little more bearable.

Tomorrow my brother and I are going to visit Brian. I'm a little nervous about it. I want to be a strong role model for him and show him that recovery is possible, but it's going to be hard for me to see him in that condition. Also, he'll want to talk about the accident. I don't mind that so much, but I don't want to figure out the play-by-play or even really hear what he remembers. That sounds so insensitive but I've just reached a point where I can't take any more. It's all just too sad. Every time I learn a new detail about someone else's experience, it haunts me and I can't stop thinking about it. It bothers me that the people I care about so much had to see what they did. My experience wasn't as bad because I got knocked out, I just have a fuzzy memory, and I didn't really come to until I was out of the bus. It's probably selfish of me to complain about hearing the experiences of others since I posted my account of the accident on this very blog, but I guess that was before I realized how hard it is to hear about what everyone else went through. I didn't really think many people were reading this blog anyway (but I'm glad to hear people do) and I just sort of wrote that post to get it off my chest. Anyway, I'll be there for Brian and talk about whatever he wants to talk about. It would probably be therapeutic anyway for me to talk about it... I'm already trying to bury my experience of the accident but I need to get used to dealing about it because it's going to affect me for the rest of my life.

Well, I didn't mean to be depressing, so now I'll post my rant about the (lack of) handicap accessibility on campus because it's funny. Our campus is awful. Have you ever wondered why you've only seen one or two people in wheelchairs on campus during your entire time here? Upon returning to school, I paid a visit to the students with disabilities office or whatever it's called. I asked them about a class (that I've since dropped) that's in one of the lesser lecture halls in Hibbard. I don't know how I was supposed to get my wheelchair in and where to park it so that I didn't have to deal with the slope. Well, the people in the office didn't know either. Great. Our tuition and tax money pay these people. Speaking of the disabilities office, it's on the second floor of a building that has no elevator! It's in the old library, and you have to use the elevator in Schofield and work your way over there. The disabilities people told me that our campus is up to code on handicap accessibility, but just barely. There are a lot of ramps that you simply can't do by yourself unless you have a motorized wheelchair. The buildings on campus don't have many automatic handicap doors, and some of those doors don't work anyway. The ones that do work don't stay open long enough to account for the huge lip that you have to get the chair over to get in and out of the buildings. The list goes on and on...

Random stuff

Random stuff

Today wasn't too eventful, but that's probably a good thing. Tomorrow I have to go to physical therapy. I like my therapist because he's funny and he's really encouraging. He had surgery on his ACL once and showed me the scar. I can't move my knee much yet, but he keeps telling me that if he could regain flexibility, so can I. He's probably going to have me try the exercise bike tomorrow. I don't think I'll be able to do much on it yet since my knee is so stiff. I hope I don't have to go through all this PT again when I get my ACL fixed, but I have a feeling I'll have to. It probably won't be as bad though.. right now my knee has a few things working against it: there are screws in it, my ACL is torn, and my lack of mobility has caused it to stiffen up.

Weekends are the toughest time for me because I think about all the fun things I should be doing. I used to take so much for granted. It's hard to think about how long it'll take before my life is back to normal. I wish I could go out to the bars with my brother and Raji, but watching them drink while we play Gamecube is almost as fun.

My mom tried talking to me a little about next semester but it depresses me too much to even think about right now. I was hoping I'd be able to get around on my own before the semester starts, but it looks like that just isn't going to happen. It all depends on how my MRI looks, but even if it looks fine, it'll be a long time before I can walk normally and longer before I can drive. I really really miss playing music - especially percussion. The problem with being a percussionist is that injuring almost any part of your body will prevent you from being able to play. I'm lucky though that I didn't hurt my arms or hands, with the exception of a banged-up index finger. Every time Dr. Dossin sees me, he inspects my hands to make sure everything looks okay. I should be able to play piano soon! I could probably play now, but I couldn't use any pedal, and that just wouldn't be fun.

I've been sleeping a little better the past few nights. I hope this trend lasts. Oh, and I didn't take any tramadol today!!! I had some withdrawal symptoms, but it wasn't bad enough for me to have to take another pill.

I've written enough for now now, but some other day, I'll have to post a rant about the lack of handicap accessibility at UWEC. Maybe while I'm at it I'll bitch about the Speculator, but I'm not sure they're even worth the time.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving

I wish I could play vibes. That sounds like fun right now. I'm worried that once I can physically play music again, I won't remember how to play anything. I guess that's okay, I'll re-learn it.

News of the day:
- I'm starting to feel a little more flexible and I've been working a lot on the exercises I learned in physical therapy.
- Since getting my cast taken off yesterday, my dad and I have to do a lot of dressing changes on my leg, which isn't as bad as I thought it would be. My skin seems to be healing quickly.
- I'm almost done with the painkillers! I'm down to half a pill once or twice a day. It's weird, you'd think that since I'm on such a small dose, I could just stop now and I'd be okay. I tried to stop today, but I started feeling dizzy and my heart was racing. I took a half pill and then felt fine. Withdrawal = strange. Maybe tomorrow I'll be done with the painkillers. I'm taking Tylenol and Advil now for the pain, which isn't nearly as effective as the prescription drugs, but at least I'm feeling more alert now.

I'm a little less worried now about my ankle (see yesterday's post). I just wrote out an explanation and realized it was cumbersome and kind of gross, so I'll spare you. Basically it's unlikely that I'm having the bone problems that we're worried about. I'll just have to wait until I get the MRI, and then hopefully it'll look good and I'll be able to start putting weight on my foot right away. Maybe it's not such a bad thing that I have to wait a couple more weeks before walking. I have a lot of physical therapy appointments in the next couple weeks, and all the exercises I'm doing are to strengthen the muscles that facilitate walking. Hopefully that means I won't fall on my face when I try walking for the first time. I'm eager to get back on my feet because walking will actually help my femur heal. Something about circulation, I don't know.

My family (+ Raji) celebrated Thanksgiving tonight, which was nice. We have a lot to be thankful for.

Oh, by the way: Raji and I are starting a trend. You're only cool if you have a walking cast on your right foot.

Cast-off

Cast-off

Well, I should have known what kind of day it would be when my first act this morning was to take a giant spill in the hallway. I tried to put my coat on and lost my balance. That didn't feel so great.

My "fun" continued with an orthopedic surgeon appointment. First I had x-rays, which is usually a long and uncomfortable process. Then I had my cast taken off and some stuff done to my stitches. I won't go into detail - it was painful and gross. My doctor talked to me about my x-rays because he saw something that concerned him. I don't fully understand it, but it's something about one of my ankle bones possibly not getting enough blood to have healed yet. If I were to put weight on it now, the bone would crush and then I'd get arthritis and have to get an ankle replacement. Judging by all the previous x-rays, everything should be okay. However, if it is messed up, I can't put weight on my leg for three months while it heals.

THREE FUCKING MONTHS.



three months.
yeah.

I hope that's not the case because it would break my heart if I couldn't play percussion or be in wind symphony or go on tour my last semester at UWEC.


...And speaking of my last semester, how the fuck am I supposed to get around on campus? Let's be honest, the handicap accomodations at UWEC are a joke. I currently get to my classes because I only have two of them and my mom takes me everywhere. When picking classes for next semester, I was under the assumption that I'd once again be able to get around on my own. If I'm still wheelchair-bound, I'm going to have to rearrange my class schedule so that I don't have two classes in a row because I probably won't have time to get everywhere. And switching classes around isn't really an option because I need specific classes to graduate.

If it's going to take me that long before I can learn to walk again, think of how long it will be before I can drive.. or be able to live at my house in EC...

I know this is all the worst-case scenario, but it's hard to not think about it. I have to get an MRI in a few weeks and then the doctor will decide whether or not it looks okay. Three weeks doesn't sound like a long time, but I haven't been able to put weight on my foot for the past four (almost five) weeks and I'm going stir-crazy. I was looking forward to putting weight on my foot today.

Anyway... I went to physical therapy after my orthopedic appointment. It was my first session, and my doctor pulled some strings and got me in right away. PT was better than I thought it would be. It's kinda scary when your knee doesn't work the way it should, so I'm glad to be working on it so it will get better. I didn't want to go to PT today and have more people poking and prodding at me, but the exercises actually made me feel a little better.

My dogs are barky

My dogs are barky

I'm pretty bored. Today there was some sort of miscommunication and I got left home alone for a while. Blah, I wish I had more independence.

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment, and if the x-rays look good, my cast is coming off. Then I'll have a walking cast put on (which I'll have for like six weeks) and I can finally put some weight on my foot. I don't feel ready to get my cast off. I think I'm just worried that once I can move my foot again, I'll move something the wrong way and fuck it up. I know that's not really possible if everything's healed correctly, but I'm paranoid anyway. I also don't want to see my leg since I'm guessing it's still swollen and bruised and generally gross. On the bright side, everyone is telling me I'll feel so much better once I get my cast off - maybe my back won't be so screwed up anymore and my toes won't swell up as badly. And it means I can start re-learning how to move and just do normal things again.

Every time I get frustrated because of the pain or because of the limitations my injuries have placed on me, I think about what Jessie, Jessi, Cassie, and Collicott are going through (they all were hurt worse than me). I've mentioned it in a few of my posts already because it's really been bothering me. I'm thankful that we're all going to be okay, but knowing what my own experience has been like, I can't imagine how hard it is for them. It's infuriating when suddenly you can't move or do anything for yourself and all of your plans are thrown out the window. It's even worse when you think about how long it's going to be before everything goes back to normal. Time passes so slowly. Physically I should recover for the most part within the next few months, but it's going to take the others so much longer. I hope they have more patience than me.

I am trying to re-learn how to sleep on my side, an endeavor made difficult by the broken leg bones on one side and the bruises on the opposite side of my face. Hopefully I'll get it figured out soon, because I could use a good night's sleep.

One month later

One month later

...and believe it or not, I still have bruises

grrrrr!

grrrrr!

I know I'm supposed to be a hero or something and people expect me to take everything in stride, but dammit, I'm getting frustrated. It's taking so long to recover and life is just going on without me. Everyone keeps asking me when I'll be back at my house in EC, when I'll be back at work, when I'll be able to come over and hang out, when I can play music, etc. Here's your answer: not anytime soon. Once I get a walking cast put on, I have to re-learn how to walk, drive, and use my foot for piano and vibes pedals. My house in EC is just impossible right now because of the staircase. I can't walk yet, let alone go up and down stairs. Even if I had a walking cast on right now and didn't have to worry about pain, my knee is too stiff to do stairs. It's going to take a lot of practice before I can go up and down stairs, and it'll be a while beyond that before my mom is comfortable enough to leave me at my house and trust me to be able to do the stairs without supervision. Even then I won't be independent because I probably still won't be able to drive. I'll still have to stay with my parents for a while because they have to drive me everywhere.

I'm frustrated because I had to drop classes and now I'm going to have to struggle if I want to graduate in May. I want to go back to work. I want to go out for a drink. I want to be able to play music, and to bend my knee, and to sleep on my side. I want people to not have to use the phrases "head injury" and "long road ahead" when they talk about me.

Sorry, I just needed to vent. Going back to school has meant sitting through some unpleasant meetings (read: talking to important people about how injured I am). I know that I'll be stronger as a result of this experience, and I'll be better before I know it, and blah blah blah. And again, I think about what the others are going through, and how much longer it's going to take them to become independent again. And it frustrates me more.

Anyway, my day wasn't really as bad as it sounds. I had music history this morning and then talked with Dr. C for a while. Then my mom and I stopped at my house to pick some stuff up. It was really weird because it's been a month since I've stepped foot in my own house. I guess it was an accomplishment though, because I had to crutch up like four or five stairs to get into the house, and I didn't have too much trouble.

After coming back to Chippewa, my mom and I went to the Leinie's Lodge to replace my sweatshirt that was lost in the accident. I guess it wasn't really lost, it was just declared a biohazard (along with a lot of my other stuff) and probably thrown away. In any case, I'm glad to have a sweatshirt again. I used my crutches instead of the wheelchair to get around the Lodge, which was good exercise, but my foot swelled up and got numb after like three minutes. I'll be happy when my toes don't get huge and purple every time I move. Oh well...

I think tonight will probably get better because Dan is bringing Raji over, so we can all hang out and play videogames or something. And I feel better after venting...

School is poopy, continued

School is poopy, continued

I'm taking a study break. I'm reading an article for my women's studies class that reflects the differences in middle-class women who are "professionals" versus non-working middle-class women when it comes to pregnancies. The article goes in depth about how "professional" women generally live their lives - they're very goal-oriented and like everything to be structured. That part of the article piqued my interest, because it reminds me of myself. The researcher points out that these women try to achieve control over their destiny, which I was doing too. I'm learning that there are things you just can't prepare for. Today I had to drop six credits, which was definitely not in my general plan when I began this semester. Because I don't have the time or energy right now to do grad school applications, I'm going to have to take at least a semester off after I graduate - another surprise. I'm learning that it might be good to not have a strict plan for everything, because then it's not so hard to pick up the pieces when things don't work out. While I think it's still important to have goals, maybe I should have back-up plans as well. I'll probably feel more tentative about setting personal goals for a while because the accident has shaken me - I had everything all planned out and it all changed in an instant. But maybe not having a strict timeline isn't such a bad thing after all, because I want to keep all my options open.

I feel like I haven't been very good with words lately.

Anyway, my brother is home! Yay. Now I'll be less bored.

School is poopy

School is poopy

I actually slept last night! It was great. The withdrawal symptoms are becoming less frequent, and I've been able to stretch the time between doses of my meds. Also, I slept well because Raji kept me up late watching movies and would help me get up and crutch around every now and then so I could tire myself out. I wish Raji were more distanced from everything, so I wouldn't feel guilty when he helps me out.

I'm so behind in school work, it's just ridiculous. I don't even know where to begin, so I don't do anything, and it piles up more. I'm going to have to drop at least one class. That's okay because macroeconomics sucks. This whole situation pisses me off because I'm normally very motivated and responsible, and fairly independent. Now it's been four weeks since I've been to my classes (with the exception of music history last week), but it's not like I could help that. I haven't been doing the required reading because I just can't concentrate on it right now. I have to put off grad school applications and the GRE until next semester. One of my doctors told me that after the head injury I received, it would be normal for me to drop down from being an A level student to being more like a C+ level student for a short time. Let's hope that doesn't happen. What's even more frustrating is that I can hardly do anything for myself. Luckily I'm gaining more independence every day but it's still a big deal whenever I can do anything new. I think about how long it will take for Collicott and Jessie and the others to be completely independent, and it pisses me off more.

Speaking of Jessie, I hear she's out of the hospital now. That means everyone's home! I miss Jessie and Collicott so much. I want to go back to the Friday night before the accident, after the kids were told to go to sleep, when the staff was all hanging out together. It was so funny watching Collicott use the swing in the Special Ed room of the school we stayed at. We had some good conversations that night. That was centuries ago, though..

On a lighter note, tomorrow I'll be going to a couple meetings at school. I don't think I'll be on the fine arts side of the river, so I probably won't really run into anyone. I don't think I'm going to my class tomorrow because my meetings are in the morning and my class is late in the afternoon, so that would make for a long day. Also, my mom has to pick my brother up at the EC airport. Apparently next week in my women's studies class we're supposed to visit Luther Hospital to go to the women's clinic or whatever. I laughed when I saw that on the syllabus... I think I might opt out of that one - I've seen more than enough of that place these days.

Ok, bedtime.