to whom it may concern

to whom it may concern

Life has been pretty hectic lately, hence the lack of updates. I'm sure you've all been on the edge of your seats just waiting to hear from me again. ;)

In the past couple weeks I'm finding that I am completely overwhelmed. It's nice to be back in EC and be able to relax in my own bed with the cats at my side, but unfortunately my schedule hasn't allowed me much time to rest. I keep trying to push myself to do more, but the downside is that I wear myself out. I have absolutely no stamina or energy. But it's coming back, very slowly but surely. Before the accident I used to keep myself so busy - now I wonder how I ever did it.

Last week I realized I have too much on my plate. I think everyone already knew that, but I like to prove people wrong. Alas, this time I have to give in, so I'm dropping a class. I hate having to do that. I never give up on anything. I guess I'm also letting go of my attempt to graduate over the summer. I might as well wait for fall of '07 to go to grad school, so in the meantime, why not stay in school and stay on my parents' insurance for another semester? I guess there are a lot of benefits to taking my time. This way I can take orchestration and Baroque counterpoint - both classes will help my chances of getting into a good graduate program. And I don't really know what my surgery schedule will be like, so I might as well plan extra time for surgeries and recovery. I realize this is probably the "smart" thing to do, but it's depressing. I've had senioritis for a while now. I'm ready to move on to bigger things, but now I'm watching my peers go do new, exciting things while I'm stuck here. I really hate having to put off my grad school plans. I want to just be accepted somewhere and know the date I'll start, and then I won't be so stressed about it.

Lately a lot of people have been bugging me about my weight. I'm eating enough, so please leave me alone. :) It shouldn't be a surprise that, after all I've been through, I've lost weight.

Next week I'm going on tour with Wind Symphony. Yay! We're going to the Twin Cities area and we'll be playing at a bunch of high schools over the course of a few days. I love going on tour. Maybe I should have been a performance major - I never get sick of being on stage. Tour will be kind of weird for me because last year one of the schools we played at was Chi-Hi. I was so excited to play at my alma mater, and I remember while we were on stage, G bragged to the students about all of the marching band staff members in the band. It was pretty cool to be back on that stage. I guess I'm also a little worried about tour because the band will be taking buses. Luckily I get to ride in the equipment van with Yakob, but it still might be weird being so close to the buses. I hope seeing them doesn't trigger any memories I've forgotten or anything like that. But I shouldn't worry about it, because I know if I have any problems, there will be plenty of people to talk to. Is anyone else stressed about tour because of the buses?

Anyway, I think that's about all I've got for now.

what i have been up to

what i have been up to

On Tuesday, Nancy Zeltsman (one of the best marimba players in the world) honored us with a concert. It was amazing. She is so animated and expressive. The highlight for me was probably hearing her play Jenkins' "Hymn", which I played on my recital last year. After the concert, we (percussion majors, Nancy, Dr. C + wife) went out to El Patio for dinner and margaritas. It was great spending time with Nancy. This is so cliche, but she is really down to earth. I really wish I'd had more time to talk with her, but she was on a tight schedule while she was here. I hope she'll be at PASIC (big percussion geek convention) later this year. After watching her, I've become inspired to play marimba again. I haven't really touched it since my recital last year. I ordered the music for one of the pieces she played on the recital (Lansky's "Three Moves", if you're familiar) so I'm excited to pick at it.

The other day Andrea, Liz and I sat in the band office and talked for a long time. Of course we spent some time talking about the accident. It may seem like I should be "talked out" about the accident, but I'm not. I feel like I could talk to a different person every day for the rest of my life about it and never have the same conversation twice. So many people were affected in so many different ways. I think Andrea and I are going through some of the same stuff right now. Our situations are different, but what's similar is that most people don't have to go through these situations - at least not at our age. When your world has been turned upside-down, it's easy to get lost. I'm finally starting to ease into "normalcy" but I still feel like I'm distanced from everything. Hopefully that will get better as time goes on.

Lately I've heard from a lot of people that they're having trouble "moving on", and that they feel like they shouldn't be having so much trouble. I think our society places too much pressure on us to be mentally "normal" and get over things quickly. The accident was so sudden and unexpected, and as I said earlier, so many people were affected. It's only been four and a half months. And I don't think people should feel like they're not allowed to grieve for Branden or the others because they didn't know them well. I didn't know Branden very well, but now it's sad for me because I'm finding out who he was and learning what I missed.

Random thought: Gillingham's "Heroes, Lost and Fallen" is probably the most beautiful piece ever (I'm listening to it right now).

I got a random call from the student newspaper today because they wanted to interview me for a story on plastic surgery. Um, I've never had any plastic surgery. I might need it on my ankle, but it seems to be healing up slowly but surely, so I don't think I'll need it. I told the reporter to talk to Jessie. Later I called Jessie and asked her about it, and she said she kind of blew the reporter off, which I was hoping she would do. It would be weird to interview her for an article on surgeries that are normally elective, asthetic operations done for reasons of vanity. All the surgeries that we've had were so profoundly different from typical plastic surgeries. I don't think the reporter understood that. I'm kind of weirded out by the whole situation, especially since the newspaper did not give two shits about me following the accident. They can't think of any stories for which to interview me, other than something on extreme makeover bullshit procedures (which I haven't had)? Please.
Today I was sick. My exhaustion finally got the best of me, and I barely had the energy to go to class. I went out to lunch with my mom afterwards and she said I looked really sick. Then we went to Walgreens so she could buy me some gauze, and she also bought me some Ensure drink things, which I'm pretty sure are for old people, but they're not half bad. I suppose I could use some more nutrients in my life. After that my mom took me home and I spent the rest of the day in bed. Later, Raji was sweet enough to bring me soup, crackers, and Sprite. It was pretty much all I've eaten all day (I picked at my food during lunch). I feel like a failure because I was going to spend the day doing homework (some of which is already late), but that didn't happen. I have to email Dr. Don for the second week in a row to tell him I didn't get anything done on my research project. Oops.

In sad news, Raji's grandpa passed away last night. He was an integral part of Raji's and his brother's childhood. He was 80, and was suffering from Alzheimer's/dementia. Raji and his brother will be flying down to FL for the funeral. If you see Raji in the near future, give him a hug.

In happier news, I'm planning on having a party soon to celebrate everything there is to celebrate. If you want to know details, just call me or send a message. I'll probably send out an email soon.

P.S. this post was not written at 1:23 pm. I hate you Blogger.

busy

busy

It's been a few days since I've updated. I've been pretty busy. As you can see from my last post, over the weekend I moved home to EC! :) Last week was crazy. Imagine getting your license and moving out of your parents' house in the same week. It was pretty much like that, plus I'm starting to walk more without the crutches, so that's exciting too.

So why did I move home? Last week my awesome roomie asked the rental agency to put in another railing in our stairway. Now there's a railing on each side and it's pretty easy for me to get up and down the stairs. I gained a lot of strength and coordination in the past couple weeks, so that helps too. If you've read my blog in the past, you're probably not surprised that moving home was one of my biggest goals. I can't express how amazing it is to finally be here. It really helps my health and well-being to be resting in my own bed in my own home. But more importantly, my move home is representative of all the barriers I've overcome. When I think back to a week ago, or a month ago, or the weeks following the accident, I'm amazed at how far I've come. I felt like a different person when my body was holding me back, but now I'm starting to feel like myself again.

Having said that, I still have my good days and my bad days. Today was kind of a bad day because I was just so tired. Last night I had a three hour rehearsal for the Viennese ball. I love playing that music, but that rehearsal was really too much for me. Dr. C was probably right this morning when he told me to "not be a hero". I'm not good about letting people know when I need a break.

Sometimes I wish I could magically take a vacation from all of this. I usually don't question it - I never think "why me?" - but I wish I could just have one "normal" day, where I didn't have to be exhausted or in pain. Most days I wonder if I'll have the energy to finish my day and get myself back into bed. But the list of things I can do is growing rapidly, and I know I'll have a "normal" day soon enough.

In random news, I could write a book about awkward post-accident conversations. It's kind of funny - people never really know what to say to me. Really, I'm pretty hard to offend, and I don't mind answering questions. I think I'd rather answer questions than have someone trying to tiptoe around the subject in hopes that they won't offend me. On a daily basis, people I don't know ask me how I hurt my leg. I don't mind talking about the accident, but I guess I can see why the conversations usually end up being awkward. "I was in a bus accident" tends to end the conversation, because nobody (my age) really knows what to say to that. Someone I talked to recently thought I was joking, and then was horrified when he realized I was telling the truth. I should just start telling people I sprained my ankle in a drunken encounter with a staircase (I know several people who've done that ;) ) since I think that's the kind of thing people expect to hear. Actually, older people always know exactly what to say, but some people my age (excluding my friends) struggle with it. It's becoming apparent to me that most college students aren't as mature as they think they are.

Anyway, I'm exhausted and I should get some sleep. I will leave you with photos of my favorite kitties in the world, who are very happy that I am home (ignore the crappy cell camera quality):

home again

home again

I am back in EC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

walking and parking

walking and parking

I'm bored, so I'll update. Not that I really have much to say... I could talk about all my aches and pains, but that's nothing new. I will say that this cold weather is really hard on my body.

Physical therapy is kind of interesting now. My trainers entertain themselves by setting up little obstacle courses for me to walk through (without crutches). I amaze myself and my trainers every time I go to PT because I'm able to do more each time. Today I walked backwards through one of the "obstacle courses". I hope I can build up more endurance soon. I've been trying to use just one crutch or no crutches whenever I go anywhere, but then I have to take a long nap partway through the day.

If you've talked to me in the past couple days, you know how angry I am about the parking situation at UWEC. There are not nearly enough handicapped-parking spots on campus. Of course this is something I never noticed before I needed to use them, but it is becoming sorely evident to me now. As the people in the students with disabilities office once told me, UWEC barely squeaks by the required accessibility requirements. I think campus technically has enough handicap spots, but they are in awkward places - 11 of them behind Schneider Hall?! I've never seen all of those full. However, in the Phillips and Hibbard lots, they're always taken. I should never have trouble finding a spot to park - I have a fucking handicap permit!! I NEED to be able to park close to the buildings, because I really can't walk very far, especially now that I'm trying to use one crutch instead of two. On Wednesday I skipped a class that was held in Hibbard because I couldn't find anywhere to park. Yesterday, out of frustration, I left my car parked in a spot with a 20-minute meter (my handicap permit allows me to park basically anywhere but 15- or 20-minute meters). Of course I got a ticket. It's not an expensive ticket, but it's the principle of the thing. I went to the parking office to talk to them about it, and the woman I talked to was a total passive-aggressive bitch. I should have asked her if she was ever on crutches or in a wheelchair, but I think I know the answer to that question. I would have argued with her, but I know I need to take the matter above the parking office. Immediately after that, I called a friend who's involved with the Student Senate and she said she's going to see if they can do anything. I think I'll be writing some letters to anyone who could make a difference (read: not the Speculator). I don't think anything will change during the time I'm at UWEC, but people need to know that our campus accessibility isn't good enough. I have overcome so many physical barriers in my effort to return to school - it's frustrating that now my education is blocked by my inability to park on campus!

Rant over. Anyway, this weekend should be fun, but freezing. If you're reading this, hopefully I'll see you around. :)

late night ramblings

late night ramblings

It's late and I'm tired but I can't sleep yet, so I'll write out the random thoughts on my mind, and then I should be able to sleep.

I can't wait until my every waking moment is no longer defined by the accident. I have spent years carefully planning my life so I would be exactly what I set out to achieve. But I am learning that we are not defined solely by our achievements. Reaching our goals is not the only important thing - we also have to be able to react to the unexpected, and be able to set and achieve a new set of goals. Another thing I learned: if we are fortunate enough to have a set of goals and have the means and resources to work toward those goals, that is something that should not be taken for granted.

One question I've heard a lot lately is: when am I going to move back to EC? That's a good question.

Another one I've heard frequently: will I have any lasting disabilities as a result of the accident? That's a good question too.

I'm starting to remember more and more about the accident. Sometimes it comes to me suddenly, and sometimes it feels like that "new" memory was, in fact, always there. I thought I had passed out when I was lifted through the bus window, but now I remember experiencing it. I don't even know why it matters, and I don't know why it still replays in my head.

I have put a lot of miles on my car in the past two days. I wish I didn't have to drive so much, but I love having my independence back. I've been so happy since I've been able to drive. Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car, I almost feel like I can forget anything ever happened. I just wish there weren't so many idiots on the road. Tonight I was driving to EC for a sectional, and some moron crossed the center lane and drifted toward my car until I honked at them. I'm jumpy enough already, especially when traveling at night - I don't need to deal with crazy drivers.

Physical therapy today was a lot different than it has ever been. My trainers had me walk without crutches, and they had me try lifting my feet up higher when I'm walking - something I wouldn't have dreamed of doing a week ago.

I've been trying to plan my next year, but I'm still undecided on a lot of things. I don't know when my next surgeries will be, which makes it difficult to plan anything. I don't know where I'll be living. Everyone I talk to has their own opinion on what they want me to do. I wish people would let me make up my own mind. I wish I could make up my mind.

Goodnight!

I can drive!

I can drive!

I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive I can drive

!

my doctor says it's okay.

weekend in review

weekend in review

I should make this post short since I have to go to bed soon. This weekend was a lot of fun. Friday night I spent some time at the PMA house. Ali was awesome enough to give me a ride out there. I saw some people that I haven't seen in a while, and generally it was just a good time.

Yesterday was the Valentine's day Big Band Bash at Chi-Hi. For the fifth year, I played piano in the alumni band. I'm a little rusty since I only play jazz piano about once a year, but it went better than I expected. The alumni band doesn't get together to rehearse until the morning of the event. The morning rehearsal is always fun because it's like a mini reunion. I thought it would be weird without G there, but it was kind of the same as it always is - we all picked on eachother and generally had a good time.

The bash itself was great. Andrei, Andrew M., and Jeffers did a nice job of putting it together. The bash is one of the high school's biggest music events of the year. It was G's vision to have the concert, and we first started doing it my sophomore or junior year of high school. I think it was always one of G's favorite events, and it's good to see it going as strongly as ever.

I spent a little time talking to Brian when I wasn't playing. He seems to be doing really well. He's finally starting to seem like himself again. I think it helps that he's able to go to work a few hours a week now. Returning to work was probably his biggest goal, and I know it feels good to have some purpose to your days. That's how I felt when I started going to my classes again.

In other news, I tend to get motivated when I'm pissed off. If you read my last post, you know that I was pretty angry and frustrated that day. Anyway, the next day I was thinking about it, and I suddenly got the feeling that I could just get up and walk without crutches or anything supporting me. So I did. It was amazing. I would not have been able to do that even one day earlier. You have no idea how great it feels to be walking without any help for the first time in four months! It's more of a shuffle than a walk, but it's a start. It's still incredibly painful, but it's worth it. My ankle is so stiff. I wonder how much motion I'll regain, since my lower leg bones are basically screwed together at the ankle. I'll worry about that later though - right now I'm just happy I can walk again. Today I walked all the way to the other side of the house with no crutches or walker!

Anyway, time for bed.

i dream myself a thousand times around the world

i dream myself a thousand times around the world

...but i can't get out of this place

- d. matthews

So far today has not been so great. I had an appointment with my knee doctor this morning, and my worker's comp case worker (Bonnie) came to it. Bonnie is generally a nice person, but she tends to be accidentally insensitive. She always asks me all sorts of personal questions while we're in the waiting room, and everyone around us cranes their necks to stare at me. I wish she'd just discuss it over the phone.

My visits to the knee doctor are always depressing. Last time he saw me (about three weeks ago), he said he was disappointed in the range of motion in my knee. Today he was slightly more satisfied, but he said my body is taking a really long time to recover. My mom wanted to know when he's going to fix my ACL, but he didn't even want to discuss it. He said he can probably take the rod out of my femur sometime during the summer. I'm guessing that now I'll have to wait until at least the fall to get my ACL fixed. I'm not sure where my life is supposed to fit in to that schedule.

I asked the doctor if he could give me a prescription for a cane (I tried using one during physical therapy yesterday) but he said he'd rather I used one crutch. He said once I can put all my weight on my right leg and walk like that for a week, then I can start using one crutch, and then after another week I should be able to get rid of the crutches altogether. If it's so easy, why am I still stuck on phase one of that process? I think my knee doctor is in his own little world sometimes. He thinks about the stuff that tore in my knee, but he seems to forget that I also broke two bones, dislocated my foot, and had a shit-ton of metal put in my leg.

After my appointment, for some reason my mom mentioned to Bonnie that next time I see my ankle doctor I want to ask if I'll be able to drive again soon. Bonnie laughed and said, "you know he'll say no." By that point I had just had enough, and I started crying. Then I felt stupid for crying in public, and everyone was trying to comfort me, but really I just wanted to be left alone. I wish everything could go back to normal. I want to live on my own and have the ability to go wherever I want, whenever I want. There are worse problems to have, but I'm getting so frustrated. I know I'll never have things the way they were before the accident, but I just want to move back to my house in EC and try to move on with my life.

tag, you're it

tag, you're it

I love surveys!

What were three things when you were little you wanted to be when you grew up?

an artist
a writer
a musician

You can live one day over again from your childhood. What day will it be?

This is the first one that popped in to my head: when I turned 6 or 7, I got to go on a hay ride with a group of my friends. I don't remember much about it, but I know it was a lot of fun and I'd always wanted to go on a hay ride. I have a photo from that day - my childhood friends and I are standing next to the horses, and I'm looking very hyper. Birthday parties are the best.

You have two minutes (and a mover with you if you need heavy lifting help!) to grab 5 things from your home before it morphs into a polka dotted hobgoblin and hops away. What will you take? (Food/drink/family/friends excluded!)

I'm assuming my cats are excluded too, so:
1. my Fender Rhodes piano (the movers will curse me out for that one - it's heavy)
2. my djembe
3. the organizer thing that holds all my photos and negatives
4. my laptop, which has all my research project stuff on it. I almost lost it in the accident, but somehow it came out of the bus without a scratch or any diesel fuel on it.
5. my brother's stereo, since he's letting me borrow it and I'd feel bad if it disappeared with the polka-dotted hobgoblin house.

You have to paint one quote on your kitchen wall. Whats it going to be?

This one is hard because I always have different favorite quotes. If I had to choose one right now, it would be:
"If I'm going to sing like someone else, then I don't need to sing at all." - Billie Holiday
I like that one because I've always thought it important to do my own thing, regardless of what other people think. Also, as a musician, I'm always trying to find my unique "voice". And I like Billie Holiday. :)

What is one thing you want to have accomplished by the end of this year?

I have the opportunity to accomplish a lot within the next year, but I'd especially like to get accepted into a grad program in music theory

You are moving to the moon for one year and can only bring one flower with you. What kind will you bring?

I think I'd have to bring lilacs. They don't bloom for very long, but I love their smell.

You just received word that aside from one flower, you can also bring five books with you too!
Your choices?

I would probably bring some classics that I haven't already read. Since that encompasses so many books, I think I'll just list some that I've already read and wouldn't mind reading again:
1. The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
2. A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
3. Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden
4. The Time of our Singing by Richard Powers
5. Silence by John Cage

Tagging:
I know some of you don’t like to do these tags, so if I tag you and you’re not up for it, then please don’t feel obligated. However, I personally love these things as I feel that they teach us so much about the nuances of each other.

Liz
Angie
Crystal
Heather
Jill

(I just picked some people at random, so don't be offended if I didn't tag you) :)

life, like the cereal

life, like the cereal

I am so so so happy to be playing in Wind Symphony again. I love the pieces I'm playing on. For the tour concert, I am playing piano on one piece and tympani & bongos on another. I'm finding that it isn't too hard to get back into playing music at that level. I mean, it's hard, but it's not overwhelming like I thought it might be. Dr. H is being really awesome about trying to work the rehearsal schedules around my schedule. I feel special.

I'm only playing on one piece in percussion ensemble this semester. That's really weird for me. Usually I'm playing on at least half the pieces, and I still wish I could do more. Last semester I was working on a piece called "Afta-Stuba!" with Catherine and Sean, and I was really excited about it. It's a really difficult piece for three players on one marimba. It requires a lot of running around the marimba and switching places, so it's physically as well as technically demanding. After the accident it was decided we'd put that piece off until this semester. Well, now the piece has been axed completely because of my stupid leg. I asked Dr. C about it today and he seemed reluctant to tell me, because I'm sure he knew I'd be upset, but it's not his fault. He's right - the piece would require a lot of practice starting right now, and I just can't do it. I was kind of mad at myself because my stupid leg is holding me back, but it's definitely not my fault either. It's too bad that we can't do the piece, because Sean and Catherine and I play really well together.

I'm getting frustrated because I'm STILL on crutches. I get asked several times a day how much longer I'll need crutches, and it's getting harder and harder to answer that question. My doctor told me I don't have to be on them anymore. I just physically can't walk without them yet. I feel like it's taking so long because I'm doing something wrong. But I know that's not really true. I'm already working as hard as possible to regain strength and motion in my leg.

Today I went to the doctor for my weekly check-up on my ankle incision. My doctor took one look at it and shook his head, and said he's going to treat himself to pizza and a beer when my ankle finally heals. Maybe he should treat me, too. He took the stitches out, which was incredibly painful. If you saw me later in the day and I looked crabby (as Sean told me), that's why. Anyway, now I have to soak my ankle three times a day. That doesn't feel so great either. Oh well, at least I got another prescription for percocet. I'll be so glad when I don't have to be doped up all the time, though.

I had an awesome weekend. Friday night Pokey and Ben took me to Ryan/Brandon's party, and a lot of people were cool enough to hang out downstairs with me (because I didn't want to attempt the stairs into the attic, where the rest of the party was). Saturday night was Todd's birthday party at Loopy's, and it was the most fun I've had in a really long time. It was so relaxing to be with the staff again. It was a good night for Sazama - he won $500 on a lottery ticket! That lucky bastard. Sunday I went to Raji's for his Superbowl party. It was the first time in 16 weeks that I'd been to his house! He lives in an upper, and I was always too afraid to attempt the stairs. I did it yesterday and just about had a heart attack. Stairs are so scary. It was nice being there again, though. Raji and his brother each adopted a kitty back in late September or early October, so the cats are HUGE compared to the last time I saw them. I really miss living with cats. I can't wait to move back to EC.

Anyway, I should get to bed. I wish every day was like five hours longer. I'm having trouble fitting all my appointments and classes and practice time and excercise and dressing changes and rest time and showers into each day. I had two appointments today, and I have five more for the rest of the week. Life is exhausting these days. But it's getting more and more fulfilling, and that's what matters. :)

we made it

we made it

In one of Tara's recent blog entries, she described a time during which she felt time stood still. Tonight I had that feeling all night.

We celebrated Todd's 30th birthday at a local bar tonight. Almost all the staff was there, and it was the first time since the accident that we were together. We saw everyone at the staff meeting a month ago, but that was different because it was a "professional" setting, and Jessie wasn't there with us. All eight of us who somehow survived the accident were together again tonight.

I feel such a strong bond now with all the staff members, whether they were on the bus or not. I sat with Brian and Jessie most of the night. It was awesome to see them both relax and have fun. I know they're still in pain, as am I, but physically we've all gotten past the most painful time in the healing process. We made it.

Sazama drove Ryan, Raji and I home tonight. After we pulled in my driveway, we had the kind of talk that has been brewing since mid-October. I can't even describe how good it felt to share happy memories and talk about what we've been through. As we sat there in the car, holding hands, I knew that was the type of moment when time stands still.

two for the price of one

two for the price of one

I feel like writing more, so here's another post.

I've had a lot on my mind since the hearing yesterday. Whenever I get to the point where I'm thinking about things other than the accident, it ends up back in the news, and I start replaying it in my head and thinking about it all over again.

Everything makes me think of G. I miss him so much. Today I found out that Wind Symphony is going to be playing Holsinger's "To Tame the Perilous Skies". G loved that piece, and he wrote it into the marching show a few years ago. I remember the first semeseter I was in Wind Symphony - when I found out I got in, I called G up and he was so excited. I'm glad I got to play with WS last year when we played at Chi-Hi. G was the one who got me started in percussion, and it was fun to show him how much I've learned since high school.

Yesterday I saw on the news that one of the high schoolers talked to the media after the hearing. He was on bus 1 and was injured, though I don't know the extent of his injuries. I thought it was odd to see that, since the DA pretty much advised us to not talk with the media about the legal proceedings. I wish that this particular student hadn't talked to the media. I wasn't paying very close attention to the interview, but from what I've been told, he said the truck driver looked like your average guy, and he kind of felt bad for him. I don't understand the student's opinion, but I respect his right to feel that way. However, by speaking to the media as a victim of the accident, his remarks might be seen as representative of all the victims. Maybe the student has recovered from his injuries to the point where he can resume his normal life, but I have not, and neither have many others. Nor do I see myself feeling empathetic toward the driver once I do find some semblance of "normal". I have not had a "normal" day since October 15th. Every aspect of my every day has been directly affected by the accident. I have no compassion whatsoever for the driver, and I resent the thought that people might mistake the student's comments for the general consensus. There are too many people who continue to suffer.

As you can probably tell, I'm pretty angry about it. And I have every right to be. I think I tend to have a pretty good attitude, but in the back of my mind I know it's not fair that we're all going through this.

Sorry for the rant. On a more positive note, I'm getting a little better at walking with one crutch. I've started to practice that more around the house. It's still scary & painful, but I'm hoping I'll get used to it soon. Today during physical therapy my therapist & athletic trainer told me to try using the one crutch, but hold on to the side of it (near the top), so I was using it kind of like a cane. I felt free, having so little contact with an object for support. It was really painful and difficult, but I know it will get easier.

Anyway, I should get some sleep. I'm excited for band! G would be proud of me.

ramblings

ramblings

The hearing was yesterday. I didn't go, but one of my friends in the media biz told me about it later. Evidently the defendant has some scary-looking tattoos, including one on his hand that says "kill". I don't know why the tattoos should matter, but it's upsetting that the thought of killing was so cool or fashionable or admirable or whatever to him that he wanted the word tattooed on his hand. It's upsetting because that's exactly what he did - killed. How can he convince a jury that he had the best interests of his fellow drivers in mind that night, while he has that word permanently inked on his hand? How can he even understand what that word means to those of us who are mourning the five people who lost their lives as a result of what happened? I could go on in this vein but I'm just getting pissed off again.

I wish I could say my ankle is feeling better, but it's about the same. I guess it's slightly better than it was Monday, but still hurts more than it did last week. I'm still taking quite a few painkillers. It hurts enough to interfere with my exercises and stretching. The incision is starting to look a lot better, though. Antibiotics are good.

Dr. Heidel wants me to go to band tomorrow, so it'll be my first rehearsal for the semester. I'm excited and nervous. I know it's just an ordinary day for everyone else, but it will mean a lot to me just to be there. I hope it won't be too difficult physically to play my parts. I haven't really gotten my music yet, so I'll be sightreading. Don't listen to me!!! I'm so bad at sightreading. And I'm out of practice, and my chops are gone, and I'll probably be high as a kite because of the damn painkillers. From what I've seen of the music, it's REALLY difficult! I hope it's not too hard for me to get used to playing at that level again, after having to take a 15-week break from music. But I'm excited for the opportunity to play. It should work out perfectly, because I get to do some piano and some percussion, and I'll be at about two rehearsals a week. I heart wind symphony.

Today I was supposed to have a percussion lesson but Dr. C went home sick. I had time to waste before going to physical therapy, so I wandered around the fine arts building and ran into/talked to a whole bunch of people, and ended up giving Sean a mini-lesson on piano. That was good because it got my brain working in terms of music. I'm a little rusty, but not too bad. I also sightread with him, which was probably good practice for tomorrow.

Last night I went out to eat with my roommate and a handful of other people. It was my roomie's birthday - she's 22 now. I miss living with her. If you've never met Ali, she's one of the coolest people ever. I hope I can move home soon.

Well, I think that's about all I have to say...