PT & MRI

PT & MRI

I did really well in physical therapy today! On the exercise bike, I was able to do full rotations backwards with the seat at a lower setting than before. Then we raised the seat and I did some more backwards rotations and worked on eliminating some "cheats" that I had been doing to make it easier. Then I was able to do forward rotations!!! I don't think my therapist was expecting me to be able to do any of that today. I've been working hard when I do my exercises at home, and it's starting to pay off. I haven't made a whole lot of progress yet in straightening my leg, though. But we worked on that a lot during therapy today and I learned some new things to try at home. I need to be able to straighten my leg more before I can walk.

The MRI went pretty well today. After hearing about Raji's bad experience (being cold and uncomfortable and having trouble sitting still for the 75 mins), I was worried. But the radiologists got me really comfortable with lots of pillows before they shoved me in the tube. My scans only took about 30 mins total. The machine made some cool rhythmical noises - it was like being inside a techno song. I would have fallen asleep if I wasn't so worried about trying to stay still. I did feel some weird sensations in my ankle, it was like that feeling when the hair raises up on the back of your neck, except it was coming from inside my ankle. It was more weird than painful. I hope the images of my ankle look okay. The radiologists were annoyed when I told them my doctor wanted an MRI despite the fact that I had metal put in my ankle four weeks ago. They seemed to think the images won't show much except for metal. Oh well, hopefully the orthopedic surgeon will still be able to tell what's going on. I'll find out the results on Friday.

Raji's day didn't go so well - his orthopedic surgeon told him he has to wait another month before he can start taking his boot off or drive. He has a slight fracture in one of his ankle bones and his doctor is worried that if he puts too much pressure on it, he'll get avascular necrosis. That's the problem that my orthopedic surgeon is worried about and it's why I got the MRI. From what I understand, avascular necrosis occurs when a bone has difficulty healing because it doesn't have a very good blood supply. My doctor told me that there isn't very good circulation around the ankle area.

I miss playing music. Imagine not being able to do what you love most for over six weeks and counting. I've been pretty patient though, because I know how lucky I am that I'll be able to play again sometime. Once I can start weight-bearing again, it should only take a couple weeks before I can stand on my own, and I'm guessing I'll be able to play percussion not long after that. I just want to be able to play in time for next semester so I can join wind symphony. It might be longer before I can play piano. I could technically sit down and play now, but I can't use the pedal, so it would sound stupid and I'd get frustrated. I wonder how much my playing style will change - after all, I've changed quite a bit. Music is how I express myself, and whenever I write this blog I think about how words just fall short of everything I'm feeling. If I can't put it into words, I can put it into music. If I can't play music, well.. then I'll just have to wait.

Random rant: does anyone else find it strange that the Speculator has done such a shitty job covering the accident? I guess I shouldn't have expected more from them. It's weird that our school paper has sort of dismissed all of us who continue to suffer through physical and emotional pain as a result of the accident. I realize that one of the most important elements of the news is "timeliness" - that is, whether the event happened recently - but the recovery of all the individuals and the department involved is important enough to do several follow-ups. It's no secret how tight-knit the music department is, and you'd think the paper would be interested in how much the accident has changed everything for us. When I worked there (worst semester of my life, by the way), I learned how much disdain the writers have for our "side of the river". It makes me sad when I think about how much the paper's bias may have played into their inadequate coverage and lack of follow-ups. This accident was huge and affected so many people - people who, by our student newspaper's assessment, aren't worth the time or consideration of the rest of the student body. Somehow I think it would have been covered differently if it happened to a different department. And that's sick - why should it depend on what department it happened to? We're all students at the same school. A tragic event like this should transcend any stupid bias. I'm not ranting because I want to be in the paper; I don't know if I'd even grant them an interview since they'd fuck it up. I'm just angry that the writers did the obligatory articles, which they will now stuff into their portfolio files, and now they're done with us. They're back to the important stuff, like their beloved "police blotters" or the glorification of alcohol. That's Reason #25,306 why the Speculator is so awful.

Well, that felt good. In other news, school sucks. I'm only taking two classes now and they're ones I would enjoy under different circumstances, but not anymore. I have to write a handful of papers before this semester is over. Know what else sucks about school? Having to be taken to class by my mom. While I greatly appreciate her taking me everywhere, it makes me feel like I'm 15 again. I can't wait until I can walk and drive, but I'm going to have to fight to regain my independence. My mom is way overprotective of me now. That's understandable, but I need to move on with my life. I'm injured but I'm not a baby.

I'm really not as crabby as those last two paragraphs make me seem. Wow, I had a lot to say today. Anyway, now I have to go study for a music history test... I'll be so glad when this semester is done!

(again, this stupid thing won't let me set the time, so if it matters, it's 8:45.)

Water therapy and other stuff

Water therapy and other stuff

I went to aqua therapy this morning, which went okay. The Eau Claire Y is really ghetto. Are they all like that? I think the Chippewa one is nicer. Navigating the EC Y is difficult. All the doorways are pretty narrow, which is hard with a wheelchair. I had to go through an office to get to the pool because it's just impossible to get there from the locker room. There's this chair thing that can lift people in and out of the water, but it was broken. I was not very happy about having to hop up the steps to get out of the pool. I wish I could just do the aqua therapy at my own gym, but the Y is where the therapy classes are held. Since the accident, I have so much more appreciation for people who are disabled and for all the trouble they have to go through. It's so frustrating to lose all of your independence.

Anyway, tomorrow is a big day: I'm getting an MRI to find out how extensive the damage in my ankle is. Then I have a doctor's appointment on Friday and the doctor will tell me when I'll be able to walk again. I'm eager to hear the news, but I'm not looking forward to the MRI itself. The people at the MRI center don't schedule in patients who have had a surgery in the last eight weeks. My orthopedic surgeon pulled some strings to get me in a month early. I'm thankful for that because it's possible I'll be weight-bearing a lot sooner, but there are reasons why MRIs are not recommended for a while after surgeries. An MRI is basically a big magnetic field, from what I understand. I have a whole lot of metal in my leg and not a lot of protective scar tissue yet. The brochure for the MRI says that the patient may feel "an uncomfortable sensation" if they have metal in their body... and that's assuming the patient hasn't had a surgery in the past eight weeks. I know that after everything else I've been through this MRI will be nothing, but I think I've felt enough "sensations" in my ankle for a while. Valium, please.

Speaking of my ankle, my stitches are starting to dissolve. That's a good thing but it hurts. It doesn't help that my walking cast rubs against the scabs. Ick.

I wrote most of a paper today, and I'll probably finish it up tonight. This is the most work I've done since the accident. I've been having some trouble writing - I don't know if it's because of the head injury or because I have too much stuff going on to focus on anything. Once every paragraph or so I forget what word I'm thinking of and it takes a long time for me to think of it. Even in this blog, I don't think my writing has been very good. I have trouble wording things the way I'd like to. But that's okay because it's just a blog.

A staff meeting has been planned - yay! It's over a month away but I'm excited. I hope it isn't all business though. I just want to see everyone together in one room again. It's going to be so weird. In a typical marching band season, the staff spends so much time together and then we kind of go our separate ways when it's over. I always miss seeing everyone after the season's over but this year is so much different. I think part of what makes the grieving process difficult is the fact that I wouldn't have seen any Chi-Hi staff people after state weekend (not for a while anyway), so I guess I'm not experiencing on a daily basis what it's like for G and Branden and the others to be gone.

For some reason I can't edit the time on this post. It doesn't really matter, but it's 9:40, not 5:40.

tired

tired

I'm happy to report that things with the exercise bike are going better. I've been able to do full revolutions (backwards) a couple times a day. It still hurts but I guess it's getting a little easier.

I got in a little argument with my parents this morning. They want me to go to water therapy tomorrow, which happens to be held weekly at about the same time as my music history class. I pointed out the fact that I missed class last week due to therapy, and they told me that I have to do all the therapy I can in order to prevent having a permanent disability. I don't want to think about the possibility of having a disability, because I realize it's only a slim chance, and I don't do well with negative reinforcement. I don't want to dwell on what could happen. I work harder at my exercises and stuff when I think about being able to go biking or snowboarding again soon. Anyway, I'm going to water therapy tomorrow. I feel bad complaining about my parents because they've done so much for me, but it bothers me sometimes that they can be kind of negative (or, I guess, realistic). I overhear my mom talking on the phone sometimes telling people how long of a recovery I have ahead of me. Also, whenever I talk about living in EC or doing things on my own, my parents act skeptical. Whatever. I don't know what pisses me off more: the things they're saying or the fact that they're probably right. Or maybe they won't be right after all - I like proving people wrong.

I was already pretty bitter today, and then I saw the evil bitch. I looked at her and she pretended she hadn't just been staring at me. And she walked right by.. she hasn't talked to me since before the accident. I could spend a lot longer bitching about her but she's not worth my time.

Earlier today I thought of a few things I should mention on here, but now I can't think of anything. I should stop writing so late because I'm never very good with words when I'm tired. Well, here are some more random updates:
- I'm taking my last antibiotic after I write this post, and then I'm officially done with the prescription drugs (until my next surgery).
- My bruises from the accident are almost all gone!
- ...But I've developed some new bruises from my walking cast. Someone has played a cruel joke on me - the hard support parts in my walking cast go right over the incision on my ankle.
- My hair is growing, very slowly...
- I still have a bump & a sore on my face, which I have a feeling is going to be with me for a while.
- The pain is becoming more tolerable.
- I was talking to Andrea some more, and we decided the staff should really get together soon!
- No more weird dreams yet, but I haven't been sleeping all that well again. I didn't take a nap today, so it should be easier tonight.
- I had a lot of visitors over Thanksgiving break, which was really nice!
- I need to stop going to the mall with my mom and getting new things. I've fallen in love with Bath & Body Works (I never used to care much for "aromatherapy", but I like it now) and I now have more pajamas than I'll ever need.

Blah... Like I said, I don't write well at night ;)
Tomorrow: I'll write about water therapy and my upcoming MRI.

strange dream

strange dream

I just took a nap and had a really weird dream... G visited me in some sort of vision or something. He was going around talking to a lot of people and for some reason I was trying to avoid him, but then we talked anyway. I told him that I'm pretty behind in school. He joked with me that I should get working on that. Then he told me that he's worried about me. I asked him why he came back to talk to everyone but never really got a straight answer. He was really happy, though.

Weird. Especially because my dreams don't usually make enough sense for me to coherently retell them afterwards.

Random updates

Random updates

I just posted a whole paragraph and then realized it sounded bitchy, so I deleted it. Basically I said I complain too much, but my frustration is part of the recovery process. However, I do consider myself incredibly lucky and I think every day about how much worse things could have been.

I don't even really know what the point of that paragraph was. I'm not very eloquent at 1:30 in the morning.

Hmm, well, what's new... I don't remember if I mentioned it, but I stopped taking prescription painkillers about a week ago. I feel so much more alert, and now I kind of have my appetite back. And my ankle is going to hurt whether I'm on prescription drugs or not, so whatever.

I'm kind of able to sleep on my side again, but only for like an hour at a time, and not very comfortably. My hip is all fucked up from the accident, and it doesn't help that I haven't been able to stretch lately. The good news is that I've been sleeping better for the most part. My sleep schedule is a little screwed up because I usually become exhausted and take a nap partway through the day.

School is kicking my ass.

I miss being around people my own age. I spend most of my time at home with my parents. I don't get many visitors anymore, so the only times I really get to socialize is for a few minutes before or after my classes. I guess I shouldn't worry too much because winter break is coming up quickly.

My incisions are healing!

Physical therapy is hard work. My therapists keep telling me that I have to work hard so that I don't walk with a limp and so I don't have to wear this knee brace thing. I haven't seen the brace, I've only heard horror stories, but it's enough to make me work harder. I'll be starting water therapy pretty soon, which should be a nice change. My parents bought an exercise bike to replace their old one, so I have to use it several times a day now. Yesterday at therapy I was able to pedal backwards on the bike through a full rotation. It fucking hurt. Not enough to make me cry, but pretty close. I had to pedal all the way around a bunch of times for like three minutes. Today at home I didn't try to do a full rotation, which kind of made me feel like a failure, but I needed to take a break. It makes me mad that I can't push myself harder.

Today I was really crabby and needed to get out of the house, so my dad took me to visit my house in EC. It was nice to see Ali and I got to see my cool neighbors for the first time since the accident.

Congrats to Nicole/Mark and Pat/Allison! I know two couples who got engaged today ;)

Now that Thanksgiving break is almost over and everyone is driving back to school, please remember to DRIVE SAFE and always buckle your seatbelt!

Thanksgiving break

Thanksgiving break

Thanksgiving break is only half over, but I'm already thinking about everyone leaving to go back to school. My brother went back to WY today. I was so excited for everyone to come home, and now that everyone's leaving again I don't have much to look forward to until Christmas break. At least that isn't too far away. I know I really shouldn't complain, but I'm just bored. I don't get many visitors anymore, and I miss doing everything I used to do. I go to one class a day, but otherwise I sit at home and either use my computer or stare at some homework. My mom cleans this room pretty much daily. I try to not be annoyed because I know she's just trying to help. She'd rather be Christmas shopping and I'd rather be doing, well, anything else. I really miss my house in EC.

I had a really good chat with Andrea last night. We're not exactly in the same situation (I can't imagine what she's going through right now), but we're feeling a lot of the same emotions. Which is to say we're both pretty angry. It'll take time, but we're both tough and we'll get through it.

When I was talking with her I realized how much I miss playing in wind symphony. I don't know if I can really explain it, but playing in that ensemble is pretty much exactly what I need right now. I wasn't playing percussion in wind symphony this semester because I have enough large ensemble credits and there are lots of percussionists who need credits yet, so I had to take the semester off. Well, I guess that worked out for the best anyway, given my current situation. I'm hoping Dr. C and Dr. H will let me play in the ensemble next semester, but it all depends on when I can put weight on my ankle again.

I'd write more but I have to go to physical therapy now. Fun times...

sick of titles

sick of titles

When I visited with Brian yesterday he talked about feeling guilty as a result of the accident. I didn't understand what he was talking about - why would he think any of this is his fault? But now I think I know what he meant, though I wouldn't call it "guilt". I don't really know how to put it into words, except to say that it's just not fair how badly some of us were hurt. I can deal with this and I'll be okay but I don't like that other people are going through the same and worse. It pisses me off that it's going to be so long before Jessie or some of the others can walk or make an attempt at living a normal life.

So now in addition to working on my recovery (which is a full-time job), I also have to think about how badly some of my friends got hurt and I have yet to begin the greiving process. Where do I start? A mind can only wrap itself around so much. It seems like everyone else is currently greiving, but when I think of the accident I'm still only thinking about things like, where was my sweatshirt? and what was I wearing? and how did I get a black eye?

Tuesdays with Brian

Tuesdays with Brian

As promised, here is my post about visiting with Brian tonight. I'm pretty tired right now and I'm still trying to sort things out in my mind, so it might not be a very long post.. or maybe it will be. We talked for over two hours, so I could probably fill an entire blog with all the stuff we talked about. But I won't.

I went over to Brian's with my brother, and I got to try out the new chair lift. It was fun! I want one. It's just this seat that travels diagonally up the staircase. It's nice to see that the workers comp people figured out how to get him in and out of his house.

I was nervous to see him but I felt so much better after I talked to him. I think he felt the same way. We both realized that we're going through a lot of the same things. We have very similar leg injuries, and he's doing some of the same physical therapy stuff that I am (minus the exercise bike, of course). When I looked at him, I basically saw where I was at a few weeks ago. He's lost a lot of weight and is having trouble eating, which is the same problem I was having when I was still on the painkillers. I told him that he'll feel so much better once the pain isn't so bad and he's able to wean himself off the drugs. I'm finally getting my appetite back and I think I'm starting to gain some weight back, which is a good thing. It's hard when you know you need to eat in order to get the energy to recover, but eating is the last thing you want to do. It's going to take him longer to get to the point I'm at now, but I'm surprised at how quickly he's healed so far. I think the key is getting to the point where you don't need painkillers anymore. It's hard to feel "normal" while on that many drugs. Anyway, I hope it helped for him to see me at the point I'm at in my recovery, which won't take him too long to reach.

As I expected, he wanted to talk a little about what happened during the accident. It was hard listening to his experience, but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I guess I can't think of a good way to put it into words. I think it was helpful for both of us to try and piece things together. I realized after talking to Brian today that Jessi M., one of the people who was hurt really badly, was sitting right behind me. It's weird that she was hurt worse than me. Anyway, I'm not going to go into detail about all the things Brian said. You can ask me if you want to hear about it, but I just don't want to traumatize everyone by posting it on my public blog. And like I said in one of my last posts, it's hard for me to deal with the fact that people I care about so much had to see what they did.

Brian asked me how I'm doing with the greiving process, and I told him it hasn't hit me yet. He feels the same way. He said he wants to call Branden's parents but he hasn't because he doesn't totally understand everything yet. He wants to wait until he feels it to talk to Branden's family.

Anyway, we talked about a lot of stuff, but I'm too tired to really do a good job of putting it into words. I think words are inadequate sometimes anyway when it comes to things like this. I really wish I could just lock myself in a practice room and play some Chopin. But overall, visiting Brian was really helpful for both of us and I can't wait to see him again.

Quick note

Quick note

I'm finding out that people actually read this thing. The support everyone has been giving me is amazing.. it really helps. Having a blog is handy because I can keep everyone updated on what's going on.

I just wanted to make a quick post to let everyone know that the Herald is going to do a story on Brian for tomorrow's paper. Also, TV-13 is doing a story on Cassie Gast, the 11 (or 12?)-year-old girl who survived the crash. It'll be on tomorrow's 10:00 newscast.

Here are some new photos of Brian:
http://cfma.info/crash/photos/misc/2005.1121.collicott/

I'll probably post again after I visit Brian tonight.

Too many things to deal with...

Too many things to deal with...

Physical therapy went well today. I got on the exercise bike and was able to do like half a rotation, which was more progress than my therapist expected. It was hard work - after ten minutes of that I felt like I'd just run a marathon. Physical therapy is by far the most difficult part of the healing/recovery process. It requires a lot of strength and willpower. Oh, and it hurts. The thing about physical therapy is that nobody can do it for you. That sounds obvious, but if you think about it, everything that's happened so far has been done to me (usually with the help of prescription drugs) - surgeries, x-rays, casts, etc. Despite the difficulty, I like PT so far. Regaining flexibility in my knee is tough but it's pretty much the first thing I've had any control over in the past five weeks. Having control over something in my life makes everything a little more bearable.

Tomorrow my brother and I are going to visit Brian. I'm a little nervous about it. I want to be a strong role model for him and show him that recovery is possible, but it's going to be hard for me to see him in that condition. Also, he'll want to talk about the accident. I don't mind that so much, but I don't want to figure out the play-by-play or even really hear what he remembers. That sounds so insensitive but I've just reached a point where I can't take any more. It's all just too sad. Every time I learn a new detail about someone else's experience, it haunts me and I can't stop thinking about it. It bothers me that the people I care about so much had to see what they did. My experience wasn't as bad because I got knocked out, I just have a fuzzy memory, and I didn't really come to until I was out of the bus. It's probably selfish of me to complain about hearing the experiences of others since I posted my account of the accident on this very blog, but I guess that was before I realized how hard it is to hear about what everyone else went through. I didn't really think many people were reading this blog anyway (but I'm glad to hear people do) and I just sort of wrote that post to get it off my chest. Anyway, I'll be there for Brian and talk about whatever he wants to talk about. It would probably be therapeutic anyway for me to talk about it... I'm already trying to bury my experience of the accident but I need to get used to dealing about it because it's going to affect me for the rest of my life.

Well, I didn't mean to be depressing, so now I'll post my rant about the (lack of) handicap accessibility on campus because it's funny. Our campus is awful. Have you ever wondered why you've only seen one or two people in wheelchairs on campus during your entire time here? Upon returning to school, I paid a visit to the students with disabilities office or whatever it's called. I asked them about a class (that I've since dropped) that's in one of the lesser lecture halls in Hibbard. I don't know how I was supposed to get my wheelchair in and where to park it so that I didn't have to deal with the slope. Well, the people in the office didn't know either. Great. Our tuition and tax money pay these people. Speaking of the disabilities office, it's on the second floor of a building that has no elevator! It's in the old library, and you have to use the elevator in Schofield and work your way over there. The disabilities people told me that our campus is up to code on handicap accessibility, but just barely. There are a lot of ramps that you simply can't do by yourself unless you have a motorized wheelchair. The buildings on campus don't have many automatic handicap doors, and some of those doors don't work anyway. The ones that do work don't stay open long enough to account for the huge lip that you have to get the chair over to get in and out of the buildings. The list goes on and on...

Random stuff

Random stuff

Today wasn't too eventful, but that's probably a good thing. Tomorrow I have to go to physical therapy. I like my therapist because he's funny and he's really encouraging. He had surgery on his ACL once and showed me the scar. I can't move my knee much yet, but he keeps telling me that if he could regain flexibility, so can I. He's probably going to have me try the exercise bike tomorrow. I don't think I'll be able to do much on it yet since my knee is so stiff. I hope I don't have to go through all this PT again when I get my ACL fixed, but I have a feeling I'll have to. It probably won't be as bad though.. right now my knee has a few things working against it: there are screws in it, my ACL is torn, and my lack of mobility has caused it to stiffen up.

Weekends are the toughest time for me because I think about all the fun things I should be doing. I used to take so much for granted. It's hard to think about how long it'll take before my life is back to normal. I wish I could go out to the bars with my brother and Raji, but watching them drink while we play Gamecube is almost as fun.

My mom tried talking to me a little about next semester but it depresses me too much to even think about right now. I was hoping I'd be able to get around on my own before the semester starts, but it looks like that just isn't going to happen. It all depends on how my MRI looks, but even if it looks fine, it'll be a long time before I can walk normally and longer before I can drive. I really really miss playing music - especially percussion. The problem with being a percussionist is that injuring almost any part of your body will prevent you from being able to play. I'm lucky though that I didn't hurt my arms or hands, with the exception of a banged-up index finger. Every time Dr. Dossin sees me, he inspects my hands to make sure everything looks okay. I should be able to play piano soon! I could probably play now, but I couldn't use any pedal, and that just wouldn't be fun.

I've been sleeping a little better the past few nights. I hope this trend lasts. Oh, and I didn't take any tramadol today!!! I had some withdrawal symptoms, but it wasn't bad enough for me to have to take another pill.

I've written enough for now now, but some other day, I'll have to post a rant about the lack of handicap accessibility at UWEC. Maybe while I'm at it I'll bitch about the Speculator, but I'm not sure they're even worth the time.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving

I wish I could play vibes. That sounds like fun right now. I'm worried that once I can physically play music again, I won't remember how to play anything. I guess that's okay, I'll re-learn it.

News of the day:
- I'm starting to feel a little more flexible and I've been working a lot on the exercises I learned in physical therapy.
- Since getting my cast taken off yesterday, my dad and I have to do a lot of dressing changes on my leg, which isn't as bad as I thought it would be. My skin seems to be healing quickly.
- I'm almost done with the painkillers! I'm down to half a pill once or twice a day. It's weird, you'd think that since I'm on such a small dose, I could just stop now and I'd be okay. I tried to stop today, but I started feeling dizzy and my heart was racing. I took a half pill and then felt fine. Withdrawal = strange. Maybe tomorrow I'll be done with the painkillers. I'm taking Tylenol and Advil now for the pain, which isn't nearly as effective as the prescription drugs, but at least I'm feeling more alert now.

I'm a little less worried now about my ankle (see yesterday's post). I just wrote out an explanation and realized it was cumbersome and kind of gross, so I'll spare you. Basically it's unlikely that I'm having the bone problems that we're worried about. I'll just have to wait until I get the MRI, and then hopefully it'll look good and I'll be able to start putting weight on my foot right away. Maybe it's not such a bad thing that I have to wait a couple more weeks before walking. I have a lot of physical therapy appointments in the next couple weeks, and all the exercises I'm doing are to strengthen the muscles that facilitate walking. Hopefully that means I won't fall on my face when I try walking for the first time. I'm eager to get back on my feet because walking will actually help my femur heal. Something about circulation, I don't know.

My family (+ Raji) celebrated Thanksgiving tonight, which was nice. We have a lot to be thankful for.

Oh, by the way: Raji and I are starting a trend. You're only cool if you have a walking cast on your right foot.

Cast-off

Cast-off

Well, I should have known what kind of day it would be when my first act this morning was to take a giant spill in the hallway. I tried to put my coat on and lost my balance. That didn't feel so great.

My "fun" continued with an orthopedic surgeon appointment. First I had x-rays, which is usually a long and uncomfortable process. Then I had my cast taken off and some stuff done to my stitches. I won't go into detail - it was painful and gross. My doctor talked to me about my x-rays because he saw something that concerned him. I don't fully understand it, but it's something about one of my ankle bones possibly not getting enough blood to have healed yet. If I were to put weight on it now, the bone would crush and then I'd get arthritis and have to get an ankle replacement. Judging by all the previous x-rays, everything should be okay. However, if it is messed up, I can't put weight on my leg for three months while it heals.

THREE FUCKING MONTHS.



three months.
yeah.

I hope that's not the case because it would break my heart if I couldn't play percussion or be in wind symphony or go on tour my last semester at UWEC.


...And speaking of my last semester, how the fuck am I supposed to get around on campus? Let's be honest, the handicap accomodations at UWEC are a joke. I currently get to my classes because I only have two of them and my mom takes me everywhere. When picking classes for next semester, I was under the assumption that I'd once again be able to get around on my own. If I'm still wheelchair-bound, I'm going to have to rearrange my class schedule so that I don't have two classes in a row because I probably won't have time to get everywhere. And switching classes around isn't really an option because I need specific classes to graduate.

If it's going to take me that long before I can learn to walk again, think of how long it will be before I can drive.. or be able to live at my house in EC...

I know this is all the worst-case scenario, but it's hard to not think about it. I have to get an MRI in a few weeks and then the doctor will decide whether or not it looks okay. Three weeks doesn't sound like a long time, but I haven't been able to put weight on my foot for the past four (almost five) weeks and I'm going stir-crazy. I was looking forward to putting weight on my foot today.

Anyway... I went to physical therapy after my orthopedic appointment. It was my first session, and my doctor pulled some strings and got me in right away. PT was better than I thought it would be. It's kinda scary when your knee doesn't work the way it should, so I'm glad to be working on it so it will get better. I didn't want to go to PT today and have more people poking and prodding at me, but the exercises actually made me feel a little better.

My dogs are barky

My dogs are barky

I'm pretty bored. Today there was some sort of miscommunication and I got left home alone for a while. Blah, I wish I had more independence.

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment, and if the x-rays look good, my cast is coming off. Then I'll have a walking cast put on (which I'll have for like six weeks) and I can finally put some weight on my foot. I don't feel ready to get my cast off. I think I'm just worried that once I can move my foot again, I'll move something the wrong way and fuck it up. I know that's not really possible if everything's healed correctly, but I'm paranoid anyway. I also don't want to see my leg since I'm guessing it's still swollen and bruised and generally gross. On the bright side, everyone is telling me I'll feel so much better once I get my cast off - maybe my back won't be so screwed up anymore and my toes won't swell up as badly. And it means I can start re-learning how to move and just do normal things again.

Every time I get frustrated because of the pain or because of the limitations my injuries have placed on me, I think about what Jessie, Jessi, Cassie, and Collicott are going through (they all were hurt worse than me). I've mentioned it in a few of my posts already because it's really been bothering me. I'm thankful that we're all going to be okay, but knowing what my own experience has been like, I can't imagine how hard it is for them. It's infuriating when suddenly you can't move or do anything for yourself and all of your plans are thrown out the window. It's even worse when you think about how long it's going to be before everything goes back to normal. Time passes so slowly. Physically I should recover for the most part within the next few months, but it's going to take the others so much longer. I hope they have more patience than me.

I am trying to re-learn how to sleep on my side, an endeavor made difficult by the broken leg bones on one side and the bruises on the opposite side of my face. Hopefully I'll get it figured out soon, because I could use a good night's sleep.

One month later

One month later

...and believe it or not, I still have bruises

grrrrr!

grrrrr!

I know I'm supposed to be a hero or something and people expect me to take everything in stride, but dammit, I'm getting frustrated. It's taking so long to recover and life is just going on without me. Everyone keeps asking me when I'll be back at my house in EC, when I'll be back at work, when I'll be able to come over and hang out, when I can play music, etc. Here's your answer: not anytime soon. Once I get a walking cast put on, I have to re-learn how to walk, drive, and use my foot for piano and vibes pedals. My house in EC is just impossible right now because of the staircase. I can't walk yet, let alone go up and down stairs. Even if I had a walking cast on right now and didn't have to worry about pain, my knee is too stiff to do stairs. It's going to take a lot of practice before I can go up and down stairs, and it'll be a while beyond that before my mom is comfortable enough to leave me at my house and trust me to be able to do the stairs without supervision. Even then I won't be independent because I probably still won't be able to drive. I'll still have to stay with my parents for a while because they have to drive me everywhere.

I'm frustrated because I had to drop classes and now I'm going to have to struggle if I want to graduate in May. I want to go back to work. I want to go out for a drink. I want to be able to play music, and to bend my knee, and to sleep on my side. I want people to not have to use the phrases "head injury" and "long road ahead" when they talk about me.

Sorry, I just needed to vent. Going back to school has meant sitting through some unpleasant meetings (read: talking to important people about how injured I am). I know that I'll be stronger as a result of this experience, and I'll be better before I know it, and blah blah blah. And again, I think about what the others are going through, and how much longer it's going to take them to become independent again. And it frustrates me more.

Anyway, my day wasn't really as bad as it sounds. I had music history this morning and then talked with Dr. C for a while. Then my mom and I stopped at my house to pick some stuff up. It was really weird because it's been a month since I've stepped foot in my own house. I guess it was an accomplishment though, because I had to crutch up like four or five stairs to get into the house, and I didn't have too much trouble.

After coming back to Chippewa, my mom and I went to the Leinie's Lodge to replace my sweatshirt that was lost in the accident. I guess it wasn't really lost, it was just declared a biohazard (along with a lot of my other stuff) and probably thrown away. In any case, I'm glad to have a sweatshirt again. I used my crutches instead of the wheelchair to get around the Lodge, which was good exercise, but my foot swelled up and got numb after like three minutes. I'll be happy when my toes don't get huge and purple every time I move. Oh well...

I think tonight will probably get better because Dan is bringing Raji over, so we can all hang out and play videogames or something. And I feel better after venting...

School is poopy, continued

School is poopy, continued

I'm taking a study break. I'm reading an article for my women's studies class that reflects the differences in middle-class women who are "professionals" versus non-working middle-class women when it comes to pregnancies. The article goes in depth about how "professional" women generally live their lives - they're very goal-oriented and like everything to be structured. That part of the article piqued my interest, because it reminds me of myself. The researcher points out that these women try to achieve control over their destiny, which I was doing too. I'm learning that there are things you just can't prepare for. Today I had to drop six credits, which was definitely not in my general plan when I began this semester. Because I don't have the time or energy right now to do grad school applications, I'm going to have to take at least a semester off after I graduate - another surprise. I'm learning that it might be good to not have a strict plan for everything, because then it's not so hard to pick up the pieces when things don't work out. While I think it's still important to have goals, maybe I should have back-up plans as well. I'll probably feel more tentative about setting personal goals for a while because the accident has shaken me - I had everything all planned out and it all changed in an instant. But maybe not having a strict timeline isn't such a bad thing after all, because I want to keep all my options open.

I feel like I haven't been very good with words lately.

Anyway, my brother is home! Yay. Now I'll be less bored.

School is poopy

School is poopy

I actually slept last night! It was great. The withdrawal symptoms are becoming less frequent, and I've been able to stretch the time between doses of my meds. Also, I slept well because Raji kept me up late watching movies and would help me get up and crutch around every now and then so I could tire myself out. I wish Raji were more distanced from everything, so I wouldn't feel guilty when he helps me out.

I'm so behind in school work, it's just ridiculous. I don't even know where to begin, so I don't do anything, and it piles up more. I'm going to have to drop at least one class. That's okay because macroeconomics sucks. This whole situation pisses me off because I'm normally very motivated and responsible, and fairly independent. Now it's been four weeks since I've been to my classes (with the exception of music history last week), but it's not like I could help that. I haven't been doing the required reading because I just can't concentrate on it right now. I have to put off grad school applications and the GRE until next semester. One of my doctors told me that after the head injury I received, it would be normal for me to drop down from being an A level student to being more like a C+ level student for a short time. Let's hope that doesn't happen. What's even more frustrating is that I can hardly do anything for myself. Luckily I'm gaining more independence every day but it's still a big deal whenever I can do anything new. I think about how long it will take for Collicott and Jessie and the others to be completely independent, and it pisses me off more.

Speaking of Jessie, I hear she's out of the hospital now. That means everyone's home! I miss Jessie and Collicott so much. I want to go back to the Friday night before the accident, after the kids were told to go to sleep, when the staff was all hanging out together. It was so funny watching Collicott use the swing in the Special Ed room of the school we stayed at. We had some good conversations that night. That was centuries ago, though..

On a lighter note, tomorrow I'll be going to a couple meetings at school. I don't think I'll be on the fine arts side of the river, so I probably won't really run into anyone. I don't think I'm going to my class tomorrow because my meetings are in the morning and my class is late in the afternoon, so that would make for a long day. Also, my mom has to pick my brother up at the EC airport. Apparently next week in my women's studies class we're supposed to visit Luther Hospital to go to the women's clinic or whatever. I laughed when I saw that on the syllabus... I think I might opt out of that one - I've seen more than enough of that place these days.

Ok, bedtime.

Oh no! I'm a drug addict

Oh no! I'm a drug addict

Oh my god, don't ever abruptly stop taking painkillers after taking a lot of them for four weeks. My doctor told me to stop taking them because they were making me sick, but holy withdrawal. I spent most of last night tossing and turning (to the degree I'm able to do in this condition) and sweating. Then I'd get up and try to move around so I wouldn't be so restless, but I'd get really short of breath. I slept 4.5 hours last night and you can bet it wasn't in a row. I started feeling better after I took another pill - we realized that I probably should step down gradually off the painkillers. Sounds obvious, but give me a break, I don't know much when it comes to drugs. Part of the problem was that I didn't realize that tramadol (my current drug) is addictive. On the bright side, today I'm feeling much less nausea then I've felt for the past week. I have found the fine line between nausea and withdrawal. Yay!

Due to my withdrawal problems this morning, I didn't get to have the big day I've been planning for a while. Raji and I were hoping to go to Josh and Maria's wedding today. My parents were going to drive us there and we were going to just stop in at the reception for a little bit. I'm bummed that we had to miss it, but I really wasn't feeling up to it. I'd been looking forward to the wedding since I got the invitation. They're such a cute couple, I bet the wedding was amazing.

Today wasn't too bad after all, though. Once I started feeling better, I took a shower (ahhhhh) and we went out for a really late lunch to Boston's. I was actually able to eat a decent amount, which means I'm making progress. Then we went over to Mega to get some groceries and I was able to see a bunch of my friends who work there. I even ran into Dr. Peters, who was really happy to see me. I think going to Mega pretty much made my day because I was able to see so many people.

Last night Ali and Gina stopped by and dropped Raji off, and then Raji's friend Andrew came to play some Gamecube with us. I hope people keep visiting me a lot. That sounds selfish, but it really helps keep me in a good mood. This part of the healing process is pretty tough, because I'm almost ready to get back to normal, but not quite. All this nausea and withdrawal BS hasn't helped anything. Meanwhile, life is going on without me. It'll be nice when Dan comes to visit because I'll probably have more stuff to do for a while.

Anyway, Raji and I are going to go introduce my parents to one of the best movies ever - Super Troopers.

I want my percocet back

I want my percocet back

I don't really have anything good to say, so I'll keep it short. I think my mom summed it up best: "Today wasn't one of your better days." I was sick pretty much all day again, and we called the doctor and he told me to stop taking the prescription meds. Fuck.

Raji had to have a CAT scan today and apparently something is fractured and he needs a non-weight bearing cast (as opposed to the walking cast he's got on now), so he's supposed to go to the ER and get it fixed. We're not really sure what's broken or what's going on. I'm assuming it's either his foot or something in his leg, I guess we'll find out.

I am going stir crazy. I haven't had any visitors since Wednesday. Raji's going to try and come over tonight, but it depends on what happens with the whole ER thing.

It looks like I might have to cancel my plans tomorrow, but I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Thursday

Thursday

Collicott had a big get-together at his house tonight, but I opted to not go because I knew it was going to be crowded. I saw him on the news tonight and it looks like he's doing pretty well. One of my friends who visited him earlier in the week said that he wanted to talk quite a bit about the accident. I want to visit him alone (maybe with my brother and Raji) so that I have a chance to talk with him about it. It's one of those discussions that I'm not looking forward to but I know it's gotta happen sometime. Seeing him on the news dredged up lots of feelings and memories that I've only recently buried. Also, I realized again how badly I want to see him - to be able to touch him and know that this is real.

Collicott still has a lot of healing to do, and watching him on the news made me realize how far I've come and how far I've yet to go. My own progress gives me hope, because I know that Collicott and the others will eventually be okay too. But after thinking about it, I realized that it'll never be okay. I still have a lot of healing to do. I'll always have scars on my skin and a bunch of metal in my leg. Nothing will ever bring back G or any of the others. Nothing will make Raji and my other friends un-see the horrible things they witnessed during the accident. But hopefully we will all learn to deal with it and help eachother out, because that's all we can do.

Now that I've been a total downer, I'll talk about what I did today. I went to my first class since the accident - music history at 8 am. Everyone was really helpful and seemed happy to see me. After that I went up to talk to Dr. Crowell and a few other people who gathered around, including some other professors. Say what you will about the people in UWEC's music department, but everyone is really helping me to get through this. All my profs are helping out a lot, and I was surprised to see a couple of them tear up today when they saw me. I talked to a lot of people today and it was really nice to see everyone again, but it tired me out. I think I spent like two hours at school and then I went home and slept for three. I felt pretty queasy for the rest of the day. I don't know if my new meds are making me sick or if it's because I switched off the narcotics. Either way, it sucks and I hope the nausea goes away soon. I miss my appetite.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Out to lunch

Out to lunch

Woohoo, I got to go on another field trip today. I went out to eat with my mom and her friends. They go out to lunch every Wednesday and I join them whenever I don't have classes. It's pretty cool because we usually go somewhere yummy and my mom buys my meal. My mom's friends are nice and they're always happy to see me. My mom hasn't been out to lunch with her friends since my accident, so I understood that going out to lunch today was more for her than for me. Unfortunately I was still feeling kind of nauseated, so I didn't eat much. I felt a little overwhelmed because my mom's friends had so many questions for me, but it was nice seeing them anyway. I hope my mom had fun seeing her friends. She's been really stressed out since the accident because of everything that's going on. Luckily my brother is coming home on Monday, so he'll be able to help around the house. I can't believe that's coming up so soon, I'm excited for him to be back here.

I'm starting to forget what life was like before the accident. I'm having trouble getting back into my school work and stuff. Recovery takes so much time and effort. I was talking to Eric about it today though, and he brought up a good point: I can only recover once, so I have to make it my first priority and try to heal as best I can.

Big day tomorrow...

insert fitting title here

insert fitting title here

Well, today wasn't so great, but it's getting better. I woke up to throbbing pain in my ankle and thigh, and my knee was bleeding all over. I don't know if that's because I unconsciously itched it or if it's just because my stitches are dissolving. Mornings are the worst for the pain & for my morale. Then I was fine for a while until I started feeling really nauseated (from the drugs), and I ended up sleeping most of the day as a result. So much for getting a lot of school work done today.

I learned on the news today that the city is creating a park downtown in honor of the crash victims. It's going to be called Harmony Park. I think it will be a nice tribute. So... I still don't think all this has really hit me. After my friend Paul died a few years ago, I remember waking up every morning wondering when it wouldn't hurt anymore. In this case, I haven't really felt like that yet.

I never got to know Branden very well. Or I should say that Raji and I were just getting to know him better. We had a really great time with him on the trips. All the staff teased him and called him "lowercase C" (I think I coined that one) because of his loyalty to Collicott (better known as "C"). Wherever C went, Branden followed. We told Branden that when he graduated college and started his own band, he would graduate to being called "A". My last memories of Branden are of playing Super Mario Bros. 3 with him on Raji's laptop. We laughed at how the dinosaur monster things from the castles move their arms, and for the whole weekend we greeted eachother in "attack mode", waving our arms like the dinosaurs. I'll always remember how much the kids at Chi-Hi loved having Branden around.

It's going to take me a long time to understand that G is gone. I don't even really know what to say about him. I'm supposed to play at a church with a brass choir for a few Sundays this year, but I missed the first one because of the accident. Dr. Schwartzhoff sent an email to Dr. Crowell to see if I'd be able to play at the next one, which I'm probably going to miss too. Good thing, because the brass choir will be playing John Rutter's "Magnificat". G arranged that piece for my sophomore year marching band show. He adored Rutter's music. That's the year I met G and the year I started playing percussion. I think I would be okay playing the piece with the brass choir, but I guess I'd rather just not deal with it. My foot won't be ready to use tympani pedals anyway.

I've been trying to think of my favorite memories of G, and I'll probably supplement a few posts with them. Here's one: My senior year, Jazz 1 played for a Honda Goldwing Riders convention. I don't know what the actual name of the society is, but G was the Wisconsin Chapter President. It was close to Halloween, and as a joke, G told us all to dress like stereotypical bikers - or "Harley riders" (there seems to be some competition between Goldwing and Harley riders). G had so much fun with it. Does anyone who was there have photos? If so, send them my way.

Another memory: G at my senior recital last semester. It was so important to me that he come. He promised me he wouldn't miss it for the world, and sure enough when I looked out at the audience, there he was in one of the front rows, sitting with Sazama and cheering me on. It felt so great to play in front of the man who taught me how to play percussion. Afterwards he told me that Sejourne's "Katamiya" (a marimba piece) was his favorite from my program. It's a really pretty piece with a little bit of a groove to it. A few months before the recital, I told Dr. Crowell I was looking for something pretty and catchy but with a groove, and he produced "Katamiya", which was exactly what I was looking for. G told me after my recital that he wanted a copy of the sheet music because he wanted to arrange it as a drum solo for a marching show. It would have been an unconventional drum solo, but with the way G wrote, it would have been really cool. I can't wait until I can play marimba again so that I can relearn "Katamiya" - what a fitting tribute.

How to be a gimp

How to be a gimp

Reading guestbooks that were created for my injured friends. Talking to other friends about how they plan to catch up in schoolwork. Juggling doctor's appointments. Popping pills and comparing aches with my boyfriend. That sad look in everyone's eyes and high schoolers who grew up too fast. Visitations, memorials, funerals. This is life.

But I'm dealing with it, and it won't always be this way.

Today was a big day for me. I got to go on another field trip! I used the crutches to get outside the house, and then got in my mom's little car. Normally whenever I go anywhere, my dad wheels me out the house (via the wheelchair ramps), then I use my walker to stand up and get close to the truck, and then my dad sort of lifts me into the truck. Using crutches is much easier and it means that my mom and I can go places when my dad isn't around to help. I'm starting to use the crutches more now that I'm getting stronger.

My mom and I went to the mall. Yay! My mom pushed me around in the wheelchair and we bought a bunch of stuff. All the clerks who helped us in the stores asked what happened to me, and looked so sad when I told them what happened. I'm still learning how big of news the accident was. I was surprised when everyone instantly knew what accident I was talking about. Anyway, other than that (and my tailbone getting sore from sitting in the wheelchair so long - I broke it in August), it was a good trip.

Update on Raji: he had an appointment today about his MRI and the doctor told him he can't drive for like three weeks. Not cool since he works a weird shift and lives half an hour away from me, but I'm sure he'll figure it out.

My goals for this week are to get kind of caught up on schoolwork, gain more flexibility in my knee, and become more steady on the crutches. They're high goals, wish me luck ;)

My toes are pretty!

My toes are pretty!

...Well, kinda. My toenails are light silver now (which matches the writing on my cast). I wish the toes on my bad foot weren't still all swollen and weird though. And I wish my short hair would grow faster so then I can get it all chopped to one length.

Today my dad had me use the crutches to get outside. We have three steps to get in and out of the house, and two of the steps are right in a row. Steps are still kind of hard. After I got back inside, my dad had me practice inside a lot (our family room is one step down from the kitchen). I think my dad was a physical therapist in a former life. I was only able to practice a little bit before I was exhausted and my good ankle hurt. I've lost so much muscle in both my legs.

Not too much else to say... I had a lot of visitors today: Raji (stayed the night again), the Stenners, Ali and her friend Laura, and Cory. Yay!

No news is good news

No news is good news

I don't have too much talk about today, but that's not because it's been a bad day - just a slow Saturday. Last night Ali came over and brought Raji. I went in the family room again with the crutches and we watched TV and ate pizza with my dad. Raji stayed the night. Today Stenner came over and we played some Mario Party before Stenner had to take Raji to work (Raji worked today because he had off yesterday for an MRI). Tonight I'll probably play some board games with my parents.

I took my last dose of percocet today and now I'm on to tramadol, which is not a narcotic. The drug switch is supposed to help me cope with any symptoms of withdrawal. Great, withdrawal - something to make me feel even more restless. I want to get up and run around! Which makes me think of...

Ten things I'm excited for, in no particular order:
Walking
Playing with my kitties
Playing music
Sleeping on my side
Going to the gym
Going to the mall
Going to Water Street
Seeing Jessie
Being in the Fine Arts building
Spending time with Collicott

Field trip!

Field trip!

I figured out how to do titles - I can't find the easy way, so I'll just alter the code. I'll go through and title all my old posts. Anyway... Today my parents took me on a field trip, yay! It wasn't the most exciting trip, but it's nice to get out of the house anyway. I had a couple of appointments at the clinic, one of which was to get a new cast put on my ankle. First the doctor had to take off the monstrosity that included my splint, padding, and an ace bandage or three. The splint was put on instead of a cast after Tuesday's surgery because of the swelling. Seeing my leg without anything covering it was weird. It looks like something that doesn't belong to me. My mom had to excuse herself from the room. I got a black cast (the better to use metallic Sharpies on) and they took a bunch of x-rays for my files.

Next was the fun part of the trip, we picked up Raji and went to Mogie's for lunch. I've been craving a hamburger for a while, and Mogie's makes the best burgers. As would be expected, my current situation is making me realize everything I used to take for granted. Going out to eat for lunch is always a treat but it's even better when you're normally confined to your bed. Today we observed that Mogie's has a step up to the front door. We'd all been there plenty of times before and never thought anything of it. Luckily it wasn't too big of a hassle, and on the way out we went out the back door (no step) and joked around a little with the bar owner and the beer deliveryman.

After dropping Raji off, I suggested we stop at my work to pick up the paycheck that was waiting for me there. We stopped in front of the store and my mom climbed out of the truck to go in and collect my check. When she came back out, my manager was with her. I hadn't expected to see Traci because she's usually at her other store by that time. We exchanged a big hug and she told me how much she misses me. I last saw her a couple weeks ago when she visited me twice in the hospital. It was really nice to see her.

Last night I had a pretty big accomplishment - I used crutches and, for the first time since the accident, went in my parents' family room. I hadn't been in there yet because the room is a step below the kitchen, and steps can't really be negotiated with a walker. I sat on a regular easychair like a normal person (except for the pillow under my reclined leg) and watched TV with my parents until I got tired, then I went back to my bed.

Something else to be happy about: the orthopedic surgeon says I'll be walking in a little more than two weeks. That's so soon! I have a lot of healing to do between now and then, but I'm excited.

Don't ask, don't tell

Don't ask, don't tell

I know I already wrote a really long post today, but I read an article from the Leader Telegram (printed 10/19) that I hadn't seen before and felt compelled to write more. Here's the link: http://www.leadertelegram.com/story.asp?id=61518

If the site won't let you on or you don't feel like reading it, I'll just tell you it's Ryan's account of the accident. I think it's amazing (not in a good way) how the story of the crash varies so much from person to person. There was just so much going on, so many people injured... it was chaos. I'm so thankful that I don't remember what I saw while I was on the bus, and my heart goes out to everyone who does remember. The photos of the bus don't trigger any recognition for me - to me, the image of the crash was the sky as I laid on the cold asphalt. I'm scared to listen to the stories of others because I don't want them to trigger memories I've unknowingly buried. I try to console Raji but at the same time I don't want to hear anything of what he saw. I'm surprised I even made it all the way through the article about Ryan. I hate nighttime now - I can keep my mind in check until I'm asleep. I sleep in fits (partially due to the drugs) and keep the TV on.

This particularly dark post has been brought to you by my drug regimen. I'll be less of a downer next time.

Here's what happened...

Here's what happened...

I suppose I'll write about the accident, since I just spent some time in a meeting this morning talking about it. It's probably good for me to write it all out anyway. This post probably isn't for the faint of heart.

State weekend went pretty well. The marching band this year is the best I've ever worked with, and we were all excited about their chances at state. They performed so well and we were all proud of them. The band placed third overall and our drumline got second place. I was glad to get back on the bus and relax after the show because I was coming to the end of a long week. When we finally pulled out of the parking lot, we watched the video of the band's performance on the TVs in the bus. G popped in a movie after the videos were over and I settled in to take a long nap.

About 2 am, a semi jack-knifed ahead of our coach buses and blocked all lanes of traffic on the interstate. Thankfully, I don't remember the crash. It must have knocked me out pretty good. I have a faint memory, which may be real or may have been from a dream, of being confused and laying in my bus seat. My head was wet and cold and I was in a lot of pain. Raji was asking me what hurt, and I told him it was my leg. I don't remember it, but somehow Raji got me out of the bus and handed me down through the window to someone standing on the ground. The next thing I remember is laying on the road somewhere by the bus, while a man sat with me and kept talking to me. The pain was incredible and I was so cold. I kept asking where Raji was and if he was okay, because at the time I didn't remember him helping me off the bus. One of the chaperones went to find out for me and came back to tell me that he broke his nose but would be okay. The man who was talking to me asked a lot of questions about who I was and asked what hospital I wanted to go to. I remember him saying I would probably be taken somewhere in a helicopter, but I ended up going in an ambulance. I must have been one of the first to be taken to the hospital.

The ambulance ride was long and bumpy. Words can't describe how much pain I was in. The EMTs kept talking about traction and splints but I didn't really know what was going on. My leg hurt more when it was straightened out, and that's what the EMTs needed to do to put a splint on. I begged for painkillers and they gave me morphine, but I didn't feel any difference.

Coming in to the ER was comforting at first. There were so many people holding my hands and introducing themselves to me and telling me that I was going to be okay. Everything was happening so fast. The things I remember probably aren't in any particular order because it all seemed to happen at once. They kept talking about the cut I had on my head and all the blood I was losing. They asked if my head hurt and I said I didn't notice it - I couldn't feel anything beyond the pain in my thigh. They unwrapped a cloth that had been wrapped around my head and I saw a lot of blood. There was a lot of yelling from the nurses who were freaking out because they were having trouble finding veins to put IVs in. My veins apparently are always hard to find - I've heard that complaint from nurses - but they were saying they couldn't find my veins because my blood pressure was really low. I lost so much blood that I had to receive a transfusion. Then came the worst part - they started yanking on my foot over and over again. I screamed and begged for them to stop or sedate me first, but they kept doing it. My foot didn't hurt, it was my thigh - it spasmed painfully every time they did it. Again, words can't describe it. I found out later that my foot was dislocated and no blood was getting to it. Some of the skin on my foot died (gross, huh?). They couldn't sedate me because they weren't sure how bad my head injury was. Finally they stopped yanking on my foot and then x-rayed almost every part of my body. One of the doctors pointed out that my hand was badly bruised and swollen. He asked me about it and I said it didn't hurt at all. He had me grip his hand and decided that it must not be broken. I was really cold the entire time I was there, and couldn't stop shaking. They finally covered me with some warm blankets while they did the x-rays. I was really tired and they kept yelling at me to stay awake. I asked them to call my parents, and the ECPD chaplain wrote down my dad's number. I also asked him to call Raji and Ali. I kept asking what happened and if everyone was okay. The doctors and nurses kept me updated as they learned details. Someone told me two buses crashed into a semi. Someone else informed me that five people had died. At some point they put a breathing tube down my throat, and I kept gagging on it. I was strapped to the gurney and kept trying to tell them I was gagging, but I couldn't talk and I couldn't signal with my hands. Breathing tubes suck. Finally they told me they were going to put me under anesthesia so they could do surgery.

I woke up after surgery and they finally took the damn breathing tube out. I looked at the clock - 11:00. A nurse walked into my room, and I asked her to look up Dr. Heidel and call him to tell him I wouldn't be able to perform in the concert.

As a result of the crash, I broke my femur and fibula in my right leg. My right foot was dislocated but they were able to get it back into place and pin it. I had severe head lacerations but luckily I didn't suffer any brain damage. I had bruises all over, and bad upholstery burn over the left side of my face. I had a black eye and broke a blood vessel in my eye.

I am so lucky.

The crash could have been so much worse. Everyone on the bus was asleep. If we'd been awake, we'd have braced for the crash, causing more injuries to ourselves. Diesel fuel leaked everywhere but did not ignite.

We lost five people in the crash - something I'll write about more later. It still hasn't completely set in.

It gets better from here

It gets better from here

This morning was rough - it sucks when you're in so much pain and all you can do is lay in bed and try to not move. That last hour before another dose of painkillers is so hard. I started feeling a lot better by late afternoon though.

I played Gamecube for a while with Raji and Rani. It really took my mind off things. They left and then Sean and Sazama came to visit a little later. I think all the visitors today really helped me cope with the pain. My parents spent a while with me too. We ate dinner together in the room they have set up for me and now we're just watching TV. It will probably be another long night, but it's comforting to think that it will only get better from here. :)

Post-op

Post-op

So... Today sucks so far. I'm in so much pain. I've been trying to not complain, but seriously, it just hurts. I'm on pretty heavy painkillers but it's not enough. I guess that's what happens when your fibula is screwed to your ankle. But at least it only hurts in one spot, and I'm not really having any trouble moving around. And it's so nice to have my staples out!

Raji and Rani are coming over this morning, so I'm hoping that will help keep my mind off my ankle. And my mom wants to put me to work later on some scrapbook stuff. Busy work will probably help. I need to get started on my homework soon, but there's no way I'll be able to concentrate on it until I'm feeling a little better.

I'm starting to get really sick of not being able to do anything. I used to be so busy, and that's the way I like it. Before the accident I was going to school, working part time at Sharp, working with Chi-Hi's drumline, working with Menomonie's drumline, working out a couple times a week, and I had a few tympani gigs lined up. Now... I lay around a lot. Oh well, that just gives me more inspiration to get my life back to normal ASAP.

Okay I'm done complaining.

Before the drugs wore off

Before the drugs wore off

I still haven't figured out how to create a title [ed. - fixed]. Blah! I can create webpages but somehow I can't figure out blogs.

Anyway, I'm in a ridiculously good mood today. I think it's because my tummy feels better (it's been bothering me) and I'm glad to have the surgery over with. The surgery went well. When I came in to the hospital and after they put me in a gown and everything, I had to answer the same set of questions like three times. No I don't smoke, I don't have diabetes, etc. I asked the nurse if they were going to put a breathing tube in me, and she said yes and asked why I was wondering. I told her it really bothered me during my last surgery, and I kept feeling like I couldn't breathe. She was really surprised that I remembered having it in and told me to discuss it with the anesthesiologist. I discussed it with him and he was also surprised because I rememered them putting it in and later taking it out. Since today's surgery wasn't an emergency, I was asleep through the entire breathing tube ordeal. Yay!

So, note to self: learn how to use a cast bag. Apparently I didn't do a very good job of keeping my cast dry. I guess everyone got really worried when they took my cast off because my foot was blue, but it was just because my blue cast dyed my foot. Oops. They didn't put a new cast on yet because they want the area to dry out or something. They put on a splint and wrapped it up and I have to go back Friday for a new cast. Maybe I'll have them do polka dots or something on this cast ;)

After I got home we had a little bit of a scare because my toes were swollen and numb. We called the doctor and he said it's nothing to worry about. They wrapped it pretty tight, so I have to try and keep my foot from swelling too much. My doctor was really nice on the phone. Everyone at the hospital was really nice too - I have a whole new respect for anyone who works in a hospital.

Raji and Ali came over tonight on Raji's dinner break, which was nice. Ali brought over all my mail and other important stuff. They kept laughing at me because I was out of it. I was just so comfy... Kind of like now... Okay, time for bed.