moving

moving

Sorry for the lack of updates, Ali and I are in the midst of moving. The new place is great! It's taking me a long time to get settled because I have to take breaks so often. I have a lot of stuff, and a small bedroom. It should all fit, but the process is like playing Tetris. I am currently resting with my foot up because my ankle has been swelling pretty badly. Last night I had to use one of my crutches to help me walk because it hurt so much. I guess I should take more breaks, but that's annoying because I just want to finish unpacking. Anyway, if you want to come visit, give me a call and I'll let you know where the new place is. :)

Check out Becky's blog to read what her sister Theresa has been going through. I'm so glad she's okay.

vent

vent

Okay... I knew I shouldn't have expected to do very well in school this past semester, but I've always tried to get good grades, and it's hard for me to watch that go down the drain. Especially since I WOULD be doing well if it hadn't been for the accident. Prior to October I was working hard to get myself ready for grad school, and now it's frustrating beyond words that I've had to shift my focus. I guess I shouldn't be so upset because it's not like I did horribly in all my classes, but my grades are worse (by far) than what I would normally achieve. These past seven months have required more determination and strength than I ever knew I had, and I've never worked so hard at school as I did this past semester. I wish my grades reflected that.

I was so proud of myself for finishing all my school work for the past year, and then I got an email from one of my profs from last semester. I just finished up all my outstanding papers from that class, and she sent me an email picking apart everything I've turned in. I can take constructive criticism (I mean, come on, I studied piano under Dossin) but it was more critical than constructive, especially considering the circumstances under which I wrote those papers. Then I saw my grades for a couple of the classes I took this semester, and let's just say I don't normally see those grade letters on my transcript. At least I passed.

Whatever. I'm tired and I wish I could just close this chapter of my life already.

all these things that i've done

all these things that i've done

This semester, I:
had two surgeries.
moved back to EC.
was able to start driving again (and learned how to drive stick while I was at it).
learned how to walk without crutches.
played tympani at Viennese ball (a week after having surgery).
played piano on a whole bunch of pieces for wind symphony.
started working on a really difficult marimba solo.
signed a lease on a new apartment.
took 9 credits of classes.
wrote six papers so that I could finish my incompletes from last semester.
did lots of other things I'm forgetting.

So this is pretty much the same post as yesterday, but I accomplished a lot this semester, so I'm happy :)

an open letter

an open letter

...to anyone who worried about or doubted my ability to finish my classes this year:

No need to worry anymore. I just finished my final paper for my last incomplete class (a few days early, even). I worked my butt off and completed 9 credits for this semester and my 6 credits (three classes) worth of incompletes from last semester. I'm not even close to being done with this incredibly difficult period of my life, but I am finally free from school, at least for a few months. I can't even express how good that feels.

Hey 2005-2006 school year: Fuck off. I won.

:)

i need a fucking vacation

i need a fucking vacation

I want to take a flight somewhere - it doesn't really matter where. That's all I've wanted to do since October. It won't happen anytime soon because I don't have any money.

you will have this moment for the rest of your lives

you will have this moment for the rest of your lives

Yesterday was the big day - the memorial concert. It was pretty much everything you would expect: there were moments of sadness, joy, and everything in between, accompanied by some amazing music. I think all the ensembles played really well. I got to play with the 11/12th grade band and a bunch of fellow alumni, and then I played with UWEC's wind symphony. The chi-hi seniors played with us on the world premiere of "Threnody" - the commissioned piece written by Jim Bonney. (Read his blog entry about the concert. He may not be Yeats or Kipling, but he can put the experience into words better than I can.)

I talked with Jim before and after the concert, and I can't say enough nice things about him. It must have been hard for him to write the piece from an outsider's perspective, but he told me that he followed all the news stories and tried to learn as much as he could about the accident and its aftermath. He may be an outsider, but the piece is perfect. If you weren't there to hear it, I'll let you know when I get the recording.

It was nice to talk to people before and after the concert. I got to catch up with a lot of alumni that I haven't seen in a while. I also got to talk with one of the chaperones who was on one of the buses and helped out immediately following the accident. She wanted to know all about how I'm doing and how my head healed up. It was hard to talk to her because I remember everything that happened after the accident except for who was with me. I know she helped save my life, but I don't remember specifics. Some things are too hard to talk about still, and I'm not ready to hear her account of the accident.

I guess I thought the concert would be my chance to finally grieve about the accident. As Sean told me, this would be my chance to "let it all out". But I didn't - maybe I'm just not there in the grieving process yet. I thought I would feel better after the concert, like I'd have some closure. I don't think I achieved that though. I almost feel worse now - like that was my chance to "get over it" and I didn't. It was hard for me to really express how I was feeling because I think I'm farther behind most people in the grieving process and I didn't want to bring everyone down. Anyway, I'm starting to truly understand that this is going to affect me for the rest of my life, and only time is going to make it easier. If I've learned anything through this experience, it's how to be patient - not only to get through my physical recovery, but to cope with the losses.

After the concert, a bunch of us went out for a while and ended up talking about what everyone remembered of the accident. It was incredibly hard to listen to everyone's accounts, but I wanted to know anyway. It was hard because I know what everyone was going through - dealing with their own injuries and with the uncertainty about how everyone else was doing. I learned a little more about Branden's last hours, and that was really sad. During the conversation I remembered some new things, like when I was in the ER and I asked the nurses, "was anyone killed?" - they didn't know how to respond. I would give anything to not have any memories of the accident aftermath or the ER.

A few of us made our way to some of the other bars then and I saw a lot of old and new friends, and had a great time, all things considered. Normally I'm shy around people I don't know very well, but I'm trying to change that. I feel like I missed out because I never got to know Branden very well, and I don't want to miss out on anything else. Also, I know that I'm going to be leaving EC in another year, so I want to make the most of it. Life is short.

This week is going to be bittersweet - I have a couple finals and then I'll be saying goodbye to a few people who are moving away, on to bigger and better things. It makes me kind of sad to know that I should also be moving on to something else, but there are worse things in the world than being stuck in a place like EC for another year.

This is random, but listen to Bjork's "Overture" off her "Selmasongs" CD. It's amazing.

dear everyone

dear everyone

If you were ever in Chi-Hi's marching band or worked with them at all, you should wear your charm necklace thing if you come to the concert on Saturday. Hmm, now I have to figure out where mine is...

take the bad with the good

take the bad with the good

I met with my athletic trainer today and got some good news: I can start going to the gym again. Considering I used to go to the gym 3-5 times a week, this is a step toward normalcy for me. I'll obviously only be doing very light stuff for a while, but that's okay. My trainer was excited to hear that I went on a bike ride a couple days ago. He said that's a good thing to do, as long as I stay on flat, paved roads. I went on a bike ride again this afternoon just after the sun came out, and it was so nice to ride around and smell all the lilacs and to see ducks and deer wandering around my neighborhood. It was way better than using my stationary bike in the living room.

I think I'm going to be happier now that I can start working and going to the gym/going for bike rides again because I used to do those things a lot. I'm still reminded of the accident during pretty much everything I do because it's so difficult to do anything physical - including just walking. Anyway, life is starting to get back to "normal". It's kind of depressing though to realize that I still have two more surgeries to go. So things are getting back to "normal", but it won't stay that way for long.

While I was at physical therapy, I met a patient who was in a construction accident last summer. His accident was similar to mine in some ways, but I won't go into it on here. He had a lot of serious injuries - probably worse than me. We commiserated about the fact that weather changes (especially rain) make us both sore, and that we have a hard time walking after we've been sitting for a while. We laughed about it, but I wonder if those problems will ever completely go away.

My mom sent me an email yesterday that basically outlined all the things I need to do before I move, including a schedule of what I should have packed by when. What an insult. I have moved before. My mom insists that this time is different, but the other times I moved, I also had to pack up all my stuff, take my posters off the walls, etc. Ever since the accident my mom has been treating me like I'm a lot younger than I really am. It's starting to get pretty aggravating. I know it's just because she cares, and the accident really shook her up, and blah blah blah. But she needs to step back now and let me be an adult.

Speaking of moving, I'm looking forward to it. I'm ready for a change of scenery. Also, I'm glad my bedroom is on the first floor of my new place. My left hip has been killing me and I'm assuming it's because stairs are still pretty hard for me. I use stairs a lot right now because my bedroom here is on the second floor.

Yesterday and today in wind symphony rehearsal we worked on the commissioned piece that we're playing in the memorial concert. It's a really nice piece, but I'll agree with Andrea on this one - I wish we had no reason to play it at all. It's the last piece we're going to play on Saturday, and I wish that weren't true. It's just such a somber piece to end with. We ended rehearsal yesterday and today with it, and then I had a hard time getting it off my mind. Last night Andrea, Raji and I went to the Stonesthrow which was exactly what I needed after being in band and then thinking about it for the rest of the day. The concert on Saturday will probably be hard for me. Hugs would be appreciated. I wasn't able to attend any of the funerals, so hopefully the concert will bring some closure for me.

accomplishments and stuff

accomplishments and stuff

Friday I met with my ankle doctor and we talked about my upcoming surgeries. He wants me to call him when I'm done with my antibiotics and when my ankle is all healed up (so probably in another few weeks) and he'll take the metal out of my leg. I have a choice of having just some of the metal taken out or all of it. I'll probably just have it all taken out. My doctor said it's okay for me to go back to work on a (very) limited basis, which I'm happy about. I love my job (at a one-hour photo lab), so I've missed it. I'm glad things are going to start getting back to "normal". It will be kind of weird though because I'll be working like once a week for a few weeks and then I'll be laid up from another surgery.

We had a marching band staff meeting on Friday, which went pretty well. Unfortunately not many people could be there - it's a busy time of year. Andrei and I will probably be writing some mallet parts, which could be kind of stressful because I can never figure out how difficult of parts to write, but we'll figure it out. I don't think there's a whole lot to say about the meeting, except that it kind of hit me how many things we have working against us. It's always hard to coordinate a band that size, but on top of that we're dealing with the fact that one of our band directors, who wrote most of the show every year, is no longer with us. Also, there's that part about us all having to get back on a bus to go to/from the competitions. Then there's the fact that we, as a band, went through a horrible event and we're still working through it. It should be an interesting season, that's for sure. I'd be lying if I said I'm completely pumped for the season to start. I definitely have mixed feelings, but I know it will be very rewarding in the end.

After the meeting, we hung out at C's house for a while and then Liz, Raji and I went back to EC. We had a good talk on the way home. I tend to feel like people don't want to talk about the accident anymore, or are "over" it, or whatever. When my friend Paul died four years ago, I remember there was a period of time afterwards when people had a hard time talking or thinking about anything other than his death. Then gradually people were probably still thinking about it but didn't want to talk about it as much anymore. I'm not sure if people got over it or if they just felt like they shouldn't talk about it anymore. I think it was the latter. People probably didn't want to seem like they were dwelling on it, and didn't want others to think they were just looking for attention. In truth I think it was on everyone's mind for a long time. For a lot of us, it was the first time we'd lost a peer, and that's a hard thing to come to grips with. I think, when it comes to the accident, we're in that phase now. I talk about it probably too much, but it helps me to do so. I hope people don't think I'm dwelling on it or whatever, but it was a huge life-changing event, so of course I'm still going to talk about it. I hope everyone else isn't trying to censor themselves because they're worried about what others will think of them. It affected so many people on so many levels - I don't think most of us will ever "get over" it.

Anyway... Today's wind symphony concert was fun, but I can't help feeling like I was a little underprepared. Practicing is usually my top priority and normally I wouldn't be caught dead being underprepared for a concert, but I guess these days boring things like appointments and resting have to take a higher priority. Anyway, I played fine, just not as well as I could have under different circumstances. Just the fact that I could play at all is an accomplishment.

After the concert and going out to dinner, I came home and finished my music history paper. I'm DONE!! I just have to proof-read it and add an appendix and it will be ready to turn in. My independent study paper is pretty much done also, and now I just need to write a short research paper for my women's studies class and take a couple finals and then the school year from hell will be over. Good riddance.

It was such a nice day out, I decided to try going for a bike ride after I finished my paper. I tried it once like a month ago and it really didn't work out so well - I couldn't get my bike going, and it was scary trying. It was scary when I tried again today, but once I got going, it was pretty easy. I rode around my neighborhood for a few minutes and then came home and now I'm exhausted. I used to ride about eight miles a day, and of course I'm still a long way from that, but it feels so good to reach my goal of being able to get back on my bike.

for sale

for sale

I'm trying to get rid of the following things before I move:

Older Kenmore washer & dryer. Both are in working condition. $75/pair or best offer.

Computer desk. It's nice and pretty big (probably 6 feet by 2 feet) but I don't have room for it in my new place. It has a keyboard tray, a couple drawers, and a little cabinet. $30 or best offer (unless Dan wants it back).

Please let me know ASAP if you're interested :)

Your Linguistic Profile:

75% General American English

20% Upper Midwestern

5% Midwestern

0% Dixie

0% Yankee

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

i wish i could go for a bike ride

i wish i could go for a bike ride

(http://www.nataliedee.com/)