you will have this moment for the rest of your lives
Yesterday was the big day - the memorial concert. It was pretty much everything you would expect: there were moments of sadness, joy, and everything in between, accompanied by some amazing music. I think all the ensembles played really well. I got to play with the 11/12th grade band and a bunch of fellow alumni, and then I played with UWEC's wind symphony. The chi-hi seniors played with us on the world premiere of "Threnody" - the commissioned piece written by Jim Bonney. (Read his blog entry about the concert. He may not be Yeats or Kipling, but he can put the experience into words better than I can.)
I talked with Jim before and after the concert, and I can't say enough nice things about him. It must have been hard for him to write the piece from an outsider's perspective, but he told me that he followed all the news stories and tried to learn as much as he could about the accident and its aftermath. He may be an outsider, but the piece is perfect. If you weren't there to hear it, I'll let you know when I get the recording.
It was nice to talk to people before and after the concert. I got to catch up with a lot of alumni that I haven't seen in a while. I also got to talk with one of the chaperones who was on one of the buses and helped out immediately following the accident. She wanted to know all about how I'm doing and how my head healed up. It was hard to talk to her because I remember everything that happened after the accident except for who was with me. I know she helped save my life, but I don't remember specifics. Some things are too hard to talk about still, and I'm not ready to hear her account of the accident.
I guess I thought the concert would be my chance to finally grieve about the accident. As Sean told me, this would be my chance to "let it all out". But I didn't - maybe I'm just not there in the grieving process yet. I thought I would feel better after the concert, like I'd have some closure. I don't think I achieved that though. I almost feel worse now - like that was my chance to "get over it" and I didn't. It was hard for me to really express how I was feeling because I think I'm farther behind most people in the grieving process and I didn't want to bring everyone down. Anyway, I'm starting to truly understand that this is going to affect me for the rest of my life, and only time is going to make it easier. If I've learned anything through this experience, it's how to be patient - not only to get through my physical recovery, but to cope with the losses.
After the concert, a bunch of us went out for a while and ended up talking about what everyone remembered of the accident. It was incredibly hard to listen to everyone's accounts, but I wanted to know anyway. It was hard because I know what everyone was going through - dealing with their own injuries and with the uncertainty about how everyone else was doing. I learned a little more about Branden's last hours, and that was really sad. During the conversation I remembered some new things, like when I was in the ER and I asked the nurses, "was anyone killed?" - they didn't know how to respond. I would give anything to not have any memories of the accident aftermath or the ER.
A few of us made our way to some of the other bars then and I saw a lot of old and new friends, and had a great time, all things considered. Normally I'm shy around people I don't know very well, but I'm trying to change that. I feel like I missed out because I never got to know Branden very well, and I don't want to miss out on anything else. Also, I know that I'm going to be leaving EC in another year, so I want to make the most of it. Life is short.
This week is going to be bittersweet - I have a couple finals and then I'll be saying goodbye to a few people who are moving away, on to bigger and better things. It makes me kind of sad to know that I should also be moving on to something else, but there are worse things in the world than being stuck in a place like EC for another year.
This is random, but listen to Bjork's "Overture" off her "Selmasongs" CD. It's amazing.
4 comments:
I know that I said something to this effect already, but now I KNOW I made an error by not coming to that concert...
Just to give you and everyone else a hug.
I heart you.
shoot, i'm not very good at cooking eggs.
;)
Hey Amy, I know that what you are going through is not really comparable to what I went through my first year of college. It has been just over 4 years since my "situation," and from what I have learned is that there will always be scars. They will dim and diminish as scars do with time, it just depends on how big it is, and how much you move, stretch, and sooth the skin. Everything happens for a reason, and life does not deal anyone a hand that they cannot handle. I know I have not been present for the past few years, and that I have changed a bit. But anytime you need anything or just want to hang out, just give a ring. I will do whatever I can.
Anyways, I hope you are enjoying the sun. Also, if you feel the courage to dwell into the world of Counterpoint, I gift for you. It is a book was used in both my early Theory Classes and my Baroque Counterpoint course. If you are still thinking about Madison, it will give you a good foundation for working with Prof. Hyer.
Ally, I think you summed up grieving very well. I wish more than anything that I could have been at the tribute concert...just to even support.
I can't imagine how hard it's been for you amy...you've had to deal with the physical hurts as well as the emotional ones.
I wish I could provide some advice to help. You're right in that events like these and losses like these will never go away. They affect us in every aspect of our lives. I try to believe that eventually that will no longer be an impediment and eventually turn into something better.
Don't ever let anyone try to make you feel like you should be over anything. If so, tell them to f*** off. :)
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