surgery'd

surgery'd

Well, I should probably talk about my surgery. As I mentioned before, it went fine. The doctor was hoping to repair the meniscus. It's rare to be able to do that, since there is not much blood supply to that area of the knee, and the body needs blood in the area to regenerate stuff like that. The doc ended up taking out the offending bit of meniscus, which had been torn and flipped over and was blocking my movement. While he was at it, he removed some scar tissue, in hopes that now my joint will move more smoothly. Hopefully it won't be a problem that part of the meniscus had to be taken out, but it means I have an increased chance of having arthritis when I grow up. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Unlike my other surgeries, I had no trouble waking up from the anesthesia this time (usually it takes me a while). The doctor didn't use dissolving stitches this time, which is good because we discovered after the last surgery that my skin doesn't really like them. The doctor took photos of my knee bent all the way when I was under the anesthesia, so apparently it is possible to move that way!

Now I have to spend just about every waking hour hooked up to this stupid leg bending/straightening machine. It's not too bad though because it does all the work for me. It's kind of painful, but that's what percocet is for. My knee is really stiff and swollen from the surgery but I'm already getting it closer to being straight. I'm making progress again!

I had physical therapy this morning, but we didn't do a whole lot. My therapist and both my athletic trainers checked me out, and they all seemed to be pretty happy. They definitely noticed a difference. As I said my knee is still pretty stiff, but when the therapist pushed on it, my leg was within ten degrees of being straight. Not bad for the day after surgery. I felt so bad - there was a high schooler job shadowing one of my athletic trainers, and the AT had to take off the ace bandaging that covered my entire leg and replace it with a new dressing. The poor high schooler looked like he was going to barf when my knee was unwrapped. It's pretty swollen and bruised. Well, at least he knows what he'll be getting into if he chooses that career path.

NYE tomorrow! I'm not going to make any promises, but I'm going to TRY and stop at "the house". It depends on how the weather is - ice/snow/rain/crutches/porch steps don't mix. Also, I don't know if I want to have Raji drive us all the way to EC if the weather is crappy. We'll probably end up at a party in Chippewa, but I'd like to stop in EC first. If I don't see you, have a happy new year's!

R&R

R&R

I am curled up on my side in my bed, in my house. The covers are pulled up to my chin and there are two cats on the bed, one next to me and one in the crook behind my knees. I do not hear the sounds of footsteps, or dogs barking, or people talking about me, or snoring. I only hear soft noises from Allison in the next room - enough to let me know I'm not alone. I think about the relaxing day that awaits me, which will be spent playing music or spending time with Raji. The sleep that falls over me is not a result of prescription drugs or utter exhaustion. Rather, it is the deep, comfortable sleep that follows a productive day.

This is a typical scenario from my "normal" life. I shouldn't complain, but this is what I miss right now. I'm forgetting what it's like to "rest" or "relax", and that's what I need most.

quick update

quick update

- Surgery went fine. i'll post more about that later.
- Brianna is famous.
- Raji and I are going to try and stop at "The House" for New Year's - it depends on how I'm feeling and how the weather is.

:)

my friends are awesome

my friends are awesome

I'll just write a short post because Raji is over here and we're going to play some gamecube in a few minutes.

Going out to the bars last night was pretty much the most fun thing ever. I think like 52,626 people came out with us. Yay for eating popcorn at the GI! Ryan, Sazama, Raji and I were all together for the first time since the accident. We're usually pretty close, but we've all been too busy lately to get together. We talked a little about the accident. It was lighthearted - we compared scars - but the discussion freaked me out after a few minutes because I suddenly remembered a few post-accident details (though nothing important) that I thought I'd forgotten. The night was also a little sad because Eric is leaving and I won't see him again for a while. I hate growing up. Anyway, it was a great night overall and I was so glad to get out of the house.

Today I had physical therapy, then did some shopping and ate lunch with my parents, and then the Stenners took me to Ikea. Yay! I'd never been there but I've always wanted to go. It was so cool. I bought a bunch of stuff and it wasn't very expensive. The Stenners were pretty much a permanent fixture in my house for several weeks after the accident, but I haven't seen them much lately, so it was good to spend time with them.

Well, I have surgery tomorrow. I don't really know what to expect, but everyone is telling me it will be a piece of cake compared to the other surgeries I've had. It will be less invasive, that's for sure. The doctor told me to bring my crutches, because apparently they want to see how much weight I can bear following the surgery. It's weird to think I'll (hopefully) already be on my feet again after surgery. I'll probably have physical therapy on Friday, so I don't get much time to rest. I have to work on my knee motion ASAP after surgery so my knee doesn't stiffen up. I'm a little stressed about this whole thing because I really hope that I can straighten my leg out soon. This surgery should fix it. But if it doesn't, then what am I supposed to do? I guess I'll figure it out.

Anyway, I'll post again sometime after my surgery.

sweet home chicago

sweet home chicago

As I write this, I'm in my aunt & uncle's home office, looking at the fishies. It's good to have a change of scenery. We decided to stay an extra day in Illinois, so we're coming home tomorrow. Christmas was good. I got a leather coat, and some clothes, and assorted other things. My parents and I exchanged presents a few days ago. It didn't really feel like Christmas since Dan (my brother) was working in WY and Raji was visiting family in FL. And I didn't get to do any shopping of my own, so it wasn't as much fun. But that's okay. Then we came down to IL to do the big family thing.

It was really good to see everyone. I thought it would be overwhelming answering all the accident questions, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. People found other things to talk with me about, which is what I need. I was getting pretty annoyed with my mom, though - I kept overhearing her talking with everyone about my injuries and everything. I was in the room too; I wish she would have just let me talk instead of talking about me. It made me feel like a little kid. I think all my relatives were expecting me to look a lot worse than I do, because when my mom talks to them on the phone, she emhasises the negatives. Well, I guess it's not her fault. There's just a lot of negative things to talk about. I just wish everyone would focus more on my accomplishments than on my problems. That's what I do.

I've had to recount my story of the accident so many times over the past couple days. I've noticed it's getting a little harder to talk about. It's scary when I think about my memories following the accident, and being in the ER, and all of that stuff. It wasn't scary at the time, but it is now. Isn't that weird? I guess I was just sort of in shock at the time, and I was running on adrenaline. After the accident, I spent so much time talking about it that it that it became routine. And I looked and felt like I'd just been in a traumatic accident. Now that I've made so much progress in my recovery, I've become slightly more separated from what happened and now it's weird to think about it. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Anyway, I think I've gone over the proverbial hill, as far as my recovery goes. It's still going to take a long time before things are back to "normal", but I've gotten to the point where I'm starting to do some normal things again, and I'm experiencing less pain overall. I have more energy now, too. I get frustrated pretty easily though, because I know it's still going to be a while before I can move back to EC or play music or drive a car. And I get irritated when people think I'm weak or need a lot of help. I still am weak and still do need a lot of help, but I don't like to believe it. :)

My surgery is scheduled for Thursday. A knee specialist is going to do it. It's weird because I've never met him and won't get to talk to him about the surgery or what to expect until right before the surgery, but that's because they needed to schedule the surgery ASAP. This surgery should be much less invasive than the others. They're going in with the little camera thing to fix it. The doctor who did my previous surgeries tells me this will be nothing compared to what I've already had done. That's good, because recovering from my last surgery was awful. But it's not like I'm getting another metal plate in my ankle, so I guess I shouldn't worry. I just hope they're able to fix the meniscus in my knee. If not, they'll have to take it out. Then I would have to worry about early onset of arthritis. My doctor tells me my knee is the part of my body that's most likely to have long-term problems as a result of the accident.

Anyway, on to the important stuff: I think I'm going out with some people tomorrow night, so consider this your invitation to join us. This will be my first foray into the bar scene since the accident. I'm hoping we'll be able to go somewhere that isn't crowded, which shouldn't be a problem since it's winter break. I can't really have more than one drink, but that doesn't matter. I just want to get out of the house, and hang out with my friends, and do something "normal".

Well, this meandering post was brought to you by my extreme tiredness. I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas, and I'll be back home tomorrow. :)

fuck

fuck

Well, today was certainly interesting. I don't think I have time to write much, so I'll just sum it up.

I had an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon, and I was expecting another lecture because my leg isn't straight yet. But I guess we're beyond the point of lectures, since he said the aggressive physical therapy just isn't working. He said it's time to do another surgery. The surgery wouldn't involve any cutting - while under general anesthesia, they would put a "nerve block" in one of the main nerves in my leg (to numb it) and then the doctor would bend and straighten my knee for me. Then the nerve block would stay in my leg for a couple days and I'd be hooked up to a machine that bends and straightens my leg for me. I'd have to be in the hospital for a couple of days. The biggest risk of this procedure is that the machine might break my leg. I don't have to have this procedure done if I don't want to, but he told me the alternative is that I wouldn't ever gain much more range of motion in my knee.

Then my dad asked if we could have an MRI done just to make sure there's nothing else going on. The doctor said that he was able to bend and straighten my leg all the way during my last surgery, so he didn't think there's anything mechanical that's blocking my motion. He also didn't think the MRI images would turn out well because of all the metal in my knee. But we decided we might as well try it before having the procedure done. Luckily it was a slow day at the hospital, and I was able to get in right away for the MRI. After that, my dad and I remembered that we'd forgotten to have something signed at the orthopedic clinic, so we stopped back up there. My doctor just happened to be available and had already looked at my MRI, so he took us into his office to show us the images. Wow, it's a good thing I had the MRI done. My ACL is torn, just as we had suspected, but as it turns out I also have a tear in my meniscus. No wonder I can't get my leg straight. My doctor apologized for all the lectures about working hard during physical therapy. With the extent of the damage in my knee, it's really surprising that I have the range of motion that I do - and it's just because I've been working so hard.

So I'll be having surgery next week to fix the meniscus, and the ACL surgery will probably be in another six months. When they do the meniscus surgery, I think they'll also be doing the procedure I described above. While it really sucks to have another setback, at least I know that it wasn't my fault that I can't straighten my leg. And I'm hoping that my recovery after this surgery will go much quicker, since it should be a lot easier to straighten my leg.

Welp, so much for all the plans I had next week. So much for taking a class over winter break, and so much for graduating in May.

Whatever, I'll worry about all that stuff when the time comes. I'm getting ready to go down to Illinois to spend Christmas with the extended family. Hopefully I'll be asleep by the time we pass the five crosses alongside the interstate.

I hope everyone has a nice Christmas!

quick update

quick update

Here are some things I'll forget to write if I don't write them down now:

- I added some links: Brian, Ryan, and Ali (my roomie)'s blogs, and Erik's site. Brian likes it when people leave comments. :)
- Here are the updates that the Leader Telegram wrote about some of us who were injured in the accident. As I mentioned in a previous post, the updates accompanied a story about Jessi that was in Sunday's paper. I'm really not very difficult to reach for comment; the reporter was pretty lazy.
- My music history final couldn't have gone better. I figured I'd end up leaving most of it blank since I was gone for so much of the semester and haven't done much reading since the accident. And I couldn't concentrate well enough to study much. However, the final was pretty much all on the material covered since I went back to class. The essay questions were so broad that they were pretty easy to answer. I shouldn't have been so worried anyway - the final was on music in the past 60 years or so. I'm a percussionist, that's my time period.
- Prof. Hellenbrand is letting me take an incomplete in music history so I can finish my paper over break. Say what you will about him, but he's been very helpful through all of this.
- My grade report pisses me off: all W's and IN's (withdrawals and incompletes), with the exception of A's in my percussion classes. Woohoo, I got two credits this semester. What a fucking waste of time and money. I used to pride myself in never having to repeat or otherwise withdraw from a class. At least I have a good reason. I'm usually so committed to school that I have to keep telling myself to not feel like it's my fault that this semester was such a waste.
- Eric came over and had a beer with me last night. Yay! I'm going to make my first venture out to the bars next week. I don't get to drink much at all really, but it will be fun to go out with friends again. It's what I've been looking forward to for a while.

picking up the pieces

picking up the pieces

This morning I stopped in at Chi-Hi. Andrei asked Ben to come in and talk with the percussionists about technique and things like that, and Ben invited me to come along. It was the first time I'd been there since the visitation, which almost doesn't count because I was on heavy painkillers, and I didn't spend much time in the band room. I just about lost it when we came in the building and I saw a bunch of banners with well-wishes from other high school bands. I suddenly wanted to turn around and go home and not have to deal with it. But I held it in well, and the feeling passed, and I went into the band room. It's all decorated for the holidays, complete with a huge, garland-wrapped inflatable moose hanging from the ceiling. I'm not really sure where the moose came from, but it's pretty funny.

I'd heard the office had been completely re-done, so I wasn't too surprised when I saw it. It's cozy - dark red paint on one of the walls and a synthetic wood floor. It was really hard to see it all changed, though. If you've never been in Chi-Hi's band room, the office and band room face eachother and are separated by large windows. As a student I remember G keeping an eye on us through his window, and as a staff member I spent a considerable amount of time in there. The room I remember is completely gone, changed. It was sad to not see a single thing of G's in there. I know that was done at Brian's request, but I hope that once he comes back to teach, he'll decide to bring back one or two of G's things into the office. Or maybe he won't; it depends on what he's comfortable with. Andrei told me that most of G's stuff from the office was given to his family. The rest was put in a box and stowed in the uniform storage room. I don't blame them for hiding it away like that, since I couldn't even bring myself to go look at what was left.

One of the reasons I came with Ben today was to talk to the percussionists about getting all the percussion equipment consolidated and organized. The percussion stuff is in about four different areas of the band room and there's more in the school basement. Nobody ever knows where anything is, and when Ryan and I come in the summer and start setting things up for marching band, we waste so much time looking for cymbals or random instruments. It's nobody's fault, it's just that there are so many people using this equipment and nobody ever knows how or where to put it away when they're done. I asked the students to come up with a system of organization so that everything has a "home". I also asked them to go through the basement and look for cymbals or anything else that could be used in the band room. I don't think there's really anything important in the basement though - it's mostly old battery percussion and drum cases. I put two percussionists in charge of the whole organization process because they have a study hall that they spend in the band room, and Andrei told me they could use a project.

I called Brian last night to make sure it was okay with him that I was asking the students to do that. He thought it was a great idea, and told me that eventually he and I and the other staffers should go down in the basement and decide what old drums and cases we can get rid of. I'm hoping we can put some of it on ebay - the drums are old and worn out, but there are vintage drum collectors out there who may be interested. It's going to be hard to make decisions on some of that stuff. I really don't know why G kept all the drums. He was probably the only one who knew what all is down there. But now I guess if Brian has no plans to use some of that stuff, there's no use holding on to it.

I'm gaining more and more appreciation for the amount of work G did for the school's music department. He had it running like a well-oiled machine. The problem (as I'm sure Andrei knows well) is that he wasn't the best at writing things down. G taught his AP music theory class for years, and had only recently started writing down his teaching methods. Important phone numbers and addresses were on notes stuck in random places around his desk. Shortly after the accident, a new xylophone showed up - G and Brian had agreed upon ordering one but Brian had no idea when it was going to come. I don't know what supplier G ordered sticks, mallets, and drum heads from at the beginning of every season or what exactly he ordered, so hopefully Todd has some idea about that one. We were so fortunate to have a percussionist as our band director, because he knew everything about the equipment. I just about cried today when the kids told me the old set of chimes were broken, because they said they were beyond repair, but I know G would have found a way to fix them. It's weird to be looked up to by Brian as someone who knows percussion equipment (the rest of the percussion staff will probably feel the same way soon). I used to ask G all that stuff, but other than Todd, now there's nobody to look up to. G used to have me replace the strings on the mallet instruments (the strings go through the keys), but I always had to ask him to tie the ends. I could never get it, and he used to tease me for it. I guess I'll have to figure out how to do it now.

These last few days have been rough, and it doesn't help that I have a music history final tomorrow. I haven't studied enough. We'll see how it goes. And because I need more to worry about, one of my cats has an icky sore on his paw and has to go to the vet. Good thing my awesome roommate is going to take him to the vet for me.

Sorry for the downer post. Things aren't all bad - I have a couple exciting weeks ahead of me, I just have to get this stupid final out of the way and then I'll be a lot happier. And it was really nice to get out of the house and see my Chi-Hi kids today. Good luck if you're as unfortunate as me and are still taking finals!

end of the year

end of the year

Branden was supposed to have graduated from UWEC yesterday. It would have been a day filled with celebration for him, his family, and his friends. The semester and the year are winding down, and many of us are ready for new beginnings. But now, as the year draws to a close, three families are facing their first holiday season after their loved ones were taken from them as a result of the accident. Please continue to keep them in your thoughts.

The LT did a story on Jessi's recovery in today's paper. The print edition includes some info that the online story doesn't have: some background information on the crash, a list of the fatalities, and a nice update on everyone who was injured (except for me - "could not be reached for comment", my ass). Here's a link, but you might be required to do a free registration before reading it.

If you haven't done so already, please read the speech Pat gave during the commencement ceremonies yesterday. He posted it on his blog - you'll find a link on the right.

progress.

progress.

Just when I was starting to get pretty stressed out at what I thought was a lack of physical progress, things haved started going a little better again. Yesterday I regained the ability to move my little toe, and also I noticed I'm regaining feeling above my ankle. I guess I didn't even realize how much feeling I'd lost.

Physical therapy went well today. My therapist pushed on my straightened leg some more, which was still painful, but I was stronger this time. He told me that not only was I dealing with it better than before, but also he was pushing on it harder than last time. When he pushes on it hard, it's about three degrees from being straight. My ligaments have been really sore the past few days, which apparently is a good sign, because you have to get your leg pretty straight before your ligaments begin to strain. My therapist also noticed that I'm not getting dizzy or fatigued so easily, which is good progress. This stuff is all a big deal to me, that's why I bother giving details :) After working with my therapist, I learned some new exercises from one of my athletic trainers, and he gave me a physioball to take home. Yay!

So today marks two months since the accident. Can you believe it's only been that long? Time is crawling by. When I think back to how I was doing at various points during my recovery, I can't believe how far I've come physically. The pain is still pretty constant, but instead of being sharp pains from deep within my bones, it's now just more of a general ache. I have a lot of muscle and ligament soreness now, but I don't mind that because it's evidence of my hard work. The last of my bruises are fading and my ankle incision has almost closed up. I still have that stupid upholstery burn on my cheek, but the nurses tell me that should fade within the next year or so.

I hope that the others who were hurt are looking back at October 16th and are happy with the progress they've made since then. I saw Andrew a couple weeks ago and he's walking pretty normally now. One of his fingers wasn't able to straighten yet, but almost. Ryan's cuts are all healed up, and I don't think he's found any more glass lately. Raji is hoping to be able to drive soon - his ankle should be pretty well healed by now. I haven't talked to Ruth much lately, but every time I do talk to her it sounds like she's working hard in occupational therapy and making a lot of progress. Jessie still can't walk, but she is now finally able to answer emails, which I see as a really good sign. I hear the other Jessi went back to school a week or two ago. Brian went to the band concert early in the week and even stood up to give the students a speech. Cassie is currently learning how to walk again, and visited her classmates last week. Andrea seems stronger every time I talk to her. Emotional recovery is going to take a long time for these people and for everyone else affected by the accident, but at least the healing process has begun.

I used to be so angry about all these people I care about having to struggle with their recoveries, but now that I see how much progress everyone has made, I can be happy knowing how far they've come. We all still have a long way to go, physically and emotionally, but I hope I speak for everyone when I say we've reached a point where we can look back and be proud of ourselves for the obstacles we've overcome. We'll have the memories and the scars all our lives, but we'll also have the knowledge that we fought this battle and won.

insert profundity here

insert profundity here

I feel like I should say something profound. But it's always been easier for me to put complicated matters into music, rather than words. I tend to try not to think very hard about matters of life and death. I don't know if I've always been this way or if I've changed since my friend Paul died a few years ago. The way I see it, nothing I can think about will change the way some things are. Or am I worried of the things my mind might dream up? I let my mind wander freely when I play music, but otherwise I try to keep it in check.

CFMA has made available for purchase a photograph of the marching band immediately following their performance at championships, just a few hours before the bus crash. There's a quote on it attributed to G - I don't think it's an exact quote, since I never heard him address his students as "kids", but it's nice all the same. While I'm on the subject, I'm beginning to be annoyed with the description of this year's championships show as the "best ever". As far as placings go, we've gotten third place or I think better in the past. Also, determining which show was the "best ever" is so subjective. And the way I see it, if we reduce the entire season to how the music sounded during the last performance, we're undermining everything G taught us. It's oversimplified. In G's marching band program, it's never been all about the end result - it's been about the path there. And every season is special. Every championships performance is rife with emotion and excitement. Let's not detract from the wonderful memories our alumni have by suggesting to them that this year was better than the others. While I agree that the performance was outstanding this year, what's important is that the students created memories they'll keep all their lives - something that happens every year in that band. Sorry, that rant came out of nowhere. But I do agree that the music was better than ever, and while I think G was happy after every chamionships performance, he was glowing after that one. Anyway, back to the photographs. All proceeds go to Brian's recovery fund. Click here for more info and to see the photos.

end of the semester

end of the semester

I have so many things on my mind tonight, but I don't think they would all translate well into words. I'm too tired, and I'm on painkillers, and some things just naturally can't be summed up in words. But I'll give it a shot.

I was supposed to turn in my non-existant music history paper today. Whoops. Looks like I'll probably be taking another incomplete. I rock at school. This semester was such a waste of time and money. I was looking forward to winter break so that I'd have time to relax and focus on my recovery, but now that I have to make up a class and finish up the classes I took incompletes in, I'm probably going to be just as busy as ever.

My exercises are going okay. I'm still working hard, but I feel like I've gotten to the point where I'm not making much progress. I think all the progress from this point is going to be in small increments, and will involve a lot of hard work and pain. I'm trying to get my leg straight so that the doctors and therapists don't have to straighten it for me. I'll do anything if it means not having anyone push on my leg anymore.

Lately a lot of people have been telling me they don't want to complain to me because they think I've got it worse and won't want to hear about their problems. I like hearing about what's going on in everyone else's lives though, even if it involves complaining. It helps me to get my mind off of the things I'm dealing with, and being able to give advice is kind of therapeutic. I'm worried that people don't think they have the right to grieve or be sad because other people "have it worse". Don't feel that way.

I was going to write more but I'm tired and my brain isn't working well. I'll leave you with a link to the Chi-Hi newsletter (PDF format) with a nice letter written by Dr. Sauter: http://chihi.chipfalls.k12.wi.us/includes/content/file.asp?id=148&view=file

they can't all be good days

they can't all be good days

Well, I went to physical therapy this morning, and it started out okay. Then I started doing a leg press type thing (laying on my back), and my therapist put a 10-pound weight on my knee, and then he started really pushing hard on my leg to try and get it straight. He would push hard for a while, then give me a chance to relax, then do it again. After a few of those, I broke down and started to cry. The therapist gave me a chance to catch my breath, and then tried to straighten my leg some more. Then I worked with my athletic trainer, who noticed I was having a hard day and took it easy on me. Having a breakdown like that was weird since pain doesn't normally have that effect on me. I felt stupid and disappointed in myself. I think part of it is that I'm so stressed out from school. It's frustrating that school can affect my physical recovery like that.

The rest of the day wasn't so bad - my mom and I went to the mall to kill some time before my class. My mom also noticed I was having a hard day, so she did everything she could to cheer me up. I got new PJ pants from Vicky's. They're fuzzy and have a dog on them. That helps.

After class I came home and took a nap. I was planning on going to the band concert at the high school, but my dad woke me up and then told me to go back to sleep because apparently I looked exhausted. I feel really bad for missing the concert, because I know the students and Andrei and probably a bunch of other people wanted to see me there. I think it would have been too overwhelming for me, though. I was so tired that I didn't trust my body to get down the front steps without falling on my face. And it's still really tiring to be around big groups of people. I'll probably try to visit the high school sometime soon, like maybe next week. It's easier for me to go places during the day than it is to go somewhere at night.

To my credit, it wasn't a completely wasted day. I worked a little on a presentation I have to give on Wednesday, and then I did some exercises for a while. My dad told me I didn't have to do exercises if I felt too tired. I must look really shitty today, because it's rare for everyone to be cutting me slack. I don't want people to take it easy on me. I've come to accept that there are a lot of bad days during the recovery process. I'm at such a critical point with my physical therapy, though, that I can't afford to have many bad days. So I'm frustrated and I hope tomorrow will be better. I don't even know what my deal is today, except that I'm tired and stressed out and apparently have a low tolerance for pain.

Anyway, enough about today. As you probably know, I played in the holiday lobby concert at the Fine Arts building last Friday. If you've never seen the concert, it's hard to explain. Basically, a lot of small ensembles play Christmas songs and it's a lot of fun. It's attended mostly by the music department and by old people and little kids. Santa comes to hand out candy canes toward the end. Anyway, I played with the marimba ensemble (or "maramba", if you listen to the news story). It was an amazing feeling, playing music again. The piece we played wasn't exactly challenging but it was fun anyway. Everyone in the department was so supportive of me. I could go on and on about how awesome the music department is, but I'm too tired.

news story

news story

http://www.weau.com/news

click on "Amy's Concert" on the right side

Playing in the concert was the "surprise" I mentioned last week. :)

heavier things

heavier things

I don't like riding in cars anymore. I wish I didn't have to ride to EC every day for class or appointments. I freak out a little every time the brakes are hit too hard or a yellow light is run or whenever it's snowing or dark. When something about the car ride bothers me, I deal with it the same way I deal with everything else - I stop thinking about it and eventually it goes away. Sometimes when I'm in the car and the weather's bad, I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up when we get to wherever we're going. I think it would be hard for me to fall asleep in a moving vehicle though, since that's the last thing I did before the bus accident. I'll be so happy when I can drive myself. I don't know if I'll feel much safer, but I will probably feel more in control of the situation.

Today was long and exhausting, but it wasn't a bad day overall. I went to class using my crutches instead of the wheelchair. It was hard to concentrate on class because the pain in my ankle was pretty bad, but I don't think being in the wheelchair would have helped that. I've just been sore lately because my ankle is getting used to supporting some weight.

I visited with Brian for a while today. It was nice to spend time with hiim again. Talking with him made me start thinking again about things I haven't thought of for a while. (That was an awkward sentence and I don't care.) I'm not going to talk about those things because it's all been said already. Anyway, I kind of feel guilty that I'm thinking about getting my life back to normal sometime in the near future, and in the meantime there are others who were involved in the accident who will be suffering for a long time yet. I know I shouldn't feel guilty because the others are happy to see the recovery I've made, and I think I'm probably a good role model for them as they heal. It's just a weird feeling when you're in the midst of the most difficult time of your life and you know other people you care about are in that same spot. But it brings me hope when I think about how far I've come, and I know the others will come just as far - if not now, then eventually.

When I was at Brian's, he had a few other visitors. One of them said she'd talked to a girl who was riding toward the back of the bus who woke up during the accident. She said it was the weirdest thing - apparently because of the way buses are constructed, in the back of the bus they didn't really feel the impact. It just felt like the bus slowed down and kind of "floated". Because of that and since it was so dark, I guess the people in the back of the bus had no idea what happened. For all they knew, the bus could have just broken down. Isn't that weird? I guess they would have heard the impact, but I don't know what people heard or what they slept through or what they remember. These are the kinds of things I think about when I sit at home all day.

This is kind of a heavy post, so I will end it with something funny. Today I came to the realization that when people become adults, they forget how to make paper snowflakes. You know when you fold a piece of paper and cut some shapes out of it and then open it up and it looks like a snowflake? I think there's some sort of cut-off age when you can no longer make a decent-looking snowflake. Maybe there is an exception if you are a teacher, because someone has to teach kids how to make them. Anyway, I was sitting outside a gas station today while my mom went inside, and I noticed the workers had hung a bunch of paper snowflakes in the window in an attempt to be festive. They were pretty bad. I don't recall seeing real snowflakes shaped like dog bones. The best ones of the bunch were amoeba-shaped things that looked like they'd been attacked with a hole punch during a fit of boredom. My critique is harsh but I don't think my own snowflakes would look any better. I remember sitting at work last year and making some because I was bored, and it was hard! I wasn't happy with any of them and ended up throwing them all away. When I was little, my snowflakes were awesome. Or maybe I was just too young to realize that snowflakes aren't shaped like dog bones or amoebas. Anyway, next time I'll just ask a kid to make some snowflakes for me.

Oh, watch TV 13 tomorrow at 5 or 6.

priorities

priorities

Today was a good day because physical therapy went really well. Last night I did about an hour and a half worth of exercises while my dad coached me. We worked mostly on trying to get my leg straight. During physical therapy today, my therapist & athletic trainer said they could tell I worked on it a lot last night. My knee was a little stiff today when I tried bending it since I focused mostly on straightening last night. That's not a big deal since straightening is more important than bending. I'm so close - I have another five degrees to go before my leg is straight. When I started physical therapy a couple weeks ago, I had fifteen degrees to go.

Despite all my progress in physical therapy, I kind of feel like a failure when I think about how I'm doing in school this semester. I know I shouldn't feel that way because I've been through a lot and it's understandable for me to have fallen behind. I guess I'm just used to thinking about my life in terms of how I'm doing in school. I took an incomplete in another class today because there is no way I'm going to be able to write five papers in the next week and a half. Now I only have one long paper to write, and a presentation to give, and then I'm done. Except that I'm not done; I have a whole lot of work to make up - I have to write those four papers and I have to finish my research project, which I also took an incomplete in. I totally forgot I was supposed to meet with Dr. Don today to talk about the progress I've made on my project. I haven't made any progress anyway. I emailed him last night and told him I'd forgotten and I wasn't prepared. I feel so unprofessional. But I explained that physical therapy is my top priority right now, and he agreed and told me to keep working hard at it. It's unfortunate that the most critical point in my physical therapy has to happen during the busiest time of the semester. It's hard to focus on therapy and not get stressed out by school, but I know that I only have this once chance to try and make a full recovery.

I'm pretty sore tonight and I can't concentrate enough to write well, but I'll fill out Tara's survey in an effort to be creative.

1. What brings you comfort?

Hot chocolate, stuffed animals & my many star-shaped pillows, my cats, friends & family, long bike rides, working out, hooded sweatshirts, locking myself in a practice room late at night and playing piano, relaxing with Raji and Ali, my futon, my patio, enjoying drinks at the GI with friends, spaghetti, Christmas

2. What is one quote that has left a profound impact on your life?

Well, I guess it changes often. A few that I am fond of right now:
"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it." - Maya Angelou
"We need not destroy the past. It is gone." - John Cage
"If someone says 'can't,' that shows you what to do." - John Cage
I am pretty much obsessed with Cage and I could probably fill this blog with his quotes. He was an avant-garde composer who changed the way our society thinks of music. He was also a philosopher and an artist. Read his stuff sometime, it's profound and funny.

3. What are three things on your life-list (list of things you want to do in this lifetime)?

Hmmm, this is a hard one. Ask me next week and it will probably be different.
In no particular order, I want to: get a doctorate, travel to London again (with my family this time), and own a vibraphone.

I added a question:

4. What made you most happy this year?

My recital, celebrating after my recital, getting a big raise at work, enjoying my summer to the fullest, spending lots of time with my friends, realizing what I want to do after college (grad school), making new friends, living with Ali, working with the marching band, finding out so many people were okay after the accident, having so much support during my continuing recovery, and probably lots more things.

Remember that time I was done with the painkillers? Yeah, I don't either...

Remember that time I was done with the painkillers? Yeah, I don't either...

Today started out when I woke up to aching pain in my ankle. It's been a few weeks since pain woke me up. I took some Tylenol and tried to fall asleep again but it was too late, I was already awake. Then my dad came in and changed the dressing on my ankle and noticed my foot was more swollen than usual - which was odd, since I sleep with my foot elevated. We called the orthopedic surgeon and he decided he wanted to see me today. I took a nap and then we went to see the doctor. He said the swelling and pain is totally normal, and to expect more of that as I start putting more weight on my ankle. He said my incision looks fine, and it should close up within a week. He gave me more antibiotics just to be sure it heals up okay. He also gave me a prescription for more percocet. I asked him if I should really be on narcotics again, and he said he wants me to take the painkillers so that I can really work hard during physical therapy. I'm not excited about being on percocet again, but at least this time it will be a much smaller dose - I'll be taking 1-2 a day, instead of 12. I shouldn't have to worry about becoming dependent again. I'm wary of the drugs though, after having so much trouble with the withdrawal.

Physical therapy went well today. I was there early so I ended up having like a 90-minute session. We're getting closer to making my leg go straight...

The percussion ensemble concert was great. I was wishing I was up on stage during "Omphalo Centric Lecture". I can play that piece in my sleep. Watching it from the audience wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, though. I got to play that piece on the concert a couple years ago, so now it was someone else's turn. Hana did a nice job covering my part. It's a tough part and she didn't have much time to learn it, so I was glad to see her do so well. Catherine did a beautiful job on "Marimba Spiritual". It made me think of G - when I was in high school, G introduced our AP music theory class to the video of the performing group Blast!. We insisted on watching it every day after that. One of the pieces on the video was "Marimba Spiritual", which I immediately fell in love with - it's so aggressive and dramatic.

I had a little time after the concert to talk to a lot of my friends. I hadn't seen some of them since they visited me in the hospital. It was so nice to see everyone! I miss being "in the loop." Eric joked with me that I am no longer the gossip hub, but I guess he's right. The downside is that I don't see my friends on a daily basis anymore and in some cases don't really know what's going on in their lives. Yet another reason why I can't wait for next semester, and for things to be back to normal. If you're reading this, send me an email sometime and let me know what you're up to these days. :)

I hope this post makes sense. I'm in such a daze from the percocet. Hopefully it will help me sleep, anyway.

Here we go, week seven

Here we go, week seven

I got in kind of an argument with my parents today. It didn't really have a point; I'm just frustrated with everything right now. I'm going to watch the percussion ensemble concert tomorrow night. It's going to be a hard concert for me to watch because I should be on stage playing on four of those pieces, but I can't because of my injuries. I absolutely love playing in percussion ensemble - I really look forward to the concert every semester. It's fun because the pieces are usually a challenge, and I enjoy playing with the other people in the ensemble. Anyway, I'm frustrated about that, and my dad told me I should be happy I will at least be there to listen to the concert. He's totally right, but I think it's valid for me to be upset that I can't be up on stage with everyone else tomorrow. It's hard being deprived of everything you love doing. But at least it's only been a couple months, and it shouldn't be much longer. I'll be there to cheer everyone on because that's the next best thing.

I've been trying to not feel sorry for myself but it's hard sometimes. After being in an accident, you're expected not only to heal, but also to be "strong". To be a role model. To be so thankful for everything that you can ignore all the hardships. I'm trying to be all of those things, but sometimes I can't help it - my mind wanders and I think about how badly I want to be playing music, or snowboarding, or just comfortably curled up on my futon with my kitties. And I feel like it probably isn't right for me to even say all that, because I know how lucky I am. All day I sit here and think about all the "what-ifs", and I think about how everyone else is recovering - physically, emotionally, or both. It isn't fair for any of us.

Well, there are like two weeks of school left, and I have about four papers to write. It's a good thing I only kept two of my classes this semester. I have to work hard the next couple weeks because nobody is going to write those papers for me. Unfortunately nobody is going to do my physical therapy for me either, and that's taking precedence over school. Oh well, I'll manage - I always do.

Today wasn't as bad as it sounds. The Soules and Andrea came to visit me, which was a lot of fun. I'll be happy when I can start spending more time in the Fine Arts building - I miss everyone!

amy: 1, avascular necrosis: 0

amy: 1, avascular necrosis: 0

I CAN WALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, sorta. I can put some weight on my foot, but not much. The MRI and yesterday's x-rays looked really good. Now my orthopedic surgeon is just worried about my knee. I can bend it further than before, but I still have a ways to go before I can straighten it. He told me that I really have to work hard at it because there's no surgery or anything that can fix my knee if I can't get it straight enough. My orthopedic surgeon makes me mad sometimes because he makes it seem like I just don't want to straighten my leg because it hurts too much. Yes, it hurts, but that's not what's stopping me - my muscles are so tight that I physically can't push my knee past a certain point. But I am working really hard at it, because I'll be damned if I have to have a permanent limp.

After yesterday's doctor appointment, I had physical therapy. I got to try some new exercises now that I can bear weight. I used a leg press type thing. It felt good to use some different muscles, but putting weight on my right heel hurt a lot. It's still bruised because it took all of the impact from the crash. During therapy, I was able to put about 10-15 lbs on my right leg. Now I can kinda put weight on my leg when I'm using crutches. That's a good thing because it will actually help my broken bones heal faster.

Today my family and I went out to eat and I used my crutches instead of the wheelchair, and sat in a booth. My ankle was pretty sore but I'm so ready to be done with the stupid wheelchair. It's a piece of junk. Normally I have to keep my foot up so it doesn't swell too much, but my circulation is improving now that I can put some weight on my foot.

Okay, time to play videogames.

headache

headache

I am in kind of a "blah" mood due to a persistent headache. I know I need to do some exercises and work on a paper, but right now I'm having trouble doing anything other than staring into space or compulsively checking my email.

This morning I made up a music history quiz. Let me rephrase that: this morning I pretended I've been doing the required reading for the past seven weeks. I think I did okay though, thanks to some effective skimming last night. Prof. Hellenbrand talked to me about the outline I turned in for my research paper, and basically told me I need to provide more background information, and said my outline didn't really reflect the things we discussed. I just wanted to say, "what the fuck do you expect from me?" But he's already been really accomodating, and I might as well put some sort of effort into this paper. I'm so angry at my complete loss of motivation. I've been working on an independent study since the beginning of summer and I'm writing my music history paper on the same topic. I used to love spending time in the library working on it. I think lately I'm just too tired to care about school. I have to exercise three or four times a day and it takes a lot out of me. The pain wears me out, too. At least it's getting better every day.

So... doctor's appointment tomorrow. Depending on whether or not I have avascular necrosis (see previous posts), I either get to start putting weight on my ankle soon or I have to wait till like February. I'm trying not to think about it too much but it's hard. It goes without saying that life was so much easier before the accident. But you don't realize until you're in a situation like this just how many aspects of your life have to change. I never used to think anything of standing to play percussion, or moving percussion equipment around, or whatever. Now I have to think about things like, can I be in band next semester? If so, what will I do with my crutches when I'm playing? Will Dr. Heidel give me extra time to tune tympani so I can use my left foot? Will I even be able to stand on my own in time for the semester to start? Stupid details that I shouldn't have to worry about. But it could be worse, at least I can play percussion again sometime. I should be thankful for having the chance to worry about those stupid details.

When I think about tomorrow's doctor appointment, it makes me think about the last time I was there, two weeks ago. That's the day I got my cast taken off and started physical therapy. I've come so far since then. The skin on my leg used to be painfully sensitive and I generally was in a lot more pain. Physical therapy has helped a lot because it has improved my circulation and my muscles have begun to repair. It's amazing how fast your muscles forget how they're supposed to move, but I'm regaining a lot of motion. My knee is still pretty stiff, but physical therapy has helped that too. It's weird when you try to bend or straighten your leg and it just stops. It isn't the pain that stops me; all my muscles are so tight that I just physically can't move it any further. It's totally normal but it's an odd feeling. Anyway, I've gained a lot of strength in the past couple weeks. I hate the fact that I've lost so much weight since the accident. I used to be fairly active but now I've lost a lot of muscle. I hate feeling so weak. I hate not being able to trust my body, and knowing I have to pace myself when I do my exercises because I need enough strength to get back into bed.

On a more positive note, I spent a long time talking with Dr. Crowell today about Chi-Hi and some other stuff. I have a surprise, but you're going to have to wait a week to find out what it is ;)

Thanks for all the comments you guys have been leaving me. They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Today wasn't really as bad as this post made it seem - it was kind of just uneventful once I got home from the Fine Arts building.

I don't know what's up with this site but it hasn't been letting me set the time. It's like 7 - YAY time for more tylenol.