. . . . .

9.24.2006



buses



I used to think of marching band whenever I caught a whiff of diesel fuel. There was no better feeling than climbing onto a warm bus after a morning rehearsal, and being on our way to a marching band competition.

Now, whenever I get close to a bus, I just feel like throwing up.

When you stop to think about it, it's kind of amazing that every day, people all across the world get into cars, buses, and trains without thinking twice about it. We trust that these huge vessels of metal and glass will get us from point A to point B without incident. And we have to trust that; otherwise nobody would ever travel and nothing would ever get done.

Saturday is our first marching band competition of the season. It's the first time since the accident that I'll be on a bus. I know nothing bad is going to happen. But it's going to be hard sitting in that bus and NOT thinking about what those seats and overhead compartments could do to me - what they did do to me during my last bus ride.

I know that I'll be okay. I didn't really even want to be in cars after the accident, but I got over that. I had appointments almost daily, half an hour away from where I was living, sometimes over snowy/icy roads. To make things even more difficult, I couldn't drive for four months after the accident, so I had to re-learn to trust other drivers. I still like driving more than I like being a passenger (and I'll probably be like that for the rest of my life thanks to the accident), but I know that after enough time on a bus, I'll get used to it. I might not be comfortable with it, but I'll be okay.

In any case, I'll probably need some extra hugs this week. Getting on that bus is probably going to be one of the hardest things I'll ever do, but I know I'll be a stronger person because of it.

9.21.2006



it's heavy on my mind



Today Raji and I met with one of the professors in the music department, since we're going to be doing a project for him. We ended up talking about the accident for half an hour or so. As it turns out, this professor was coming home from a gig that night and happened to be right behind our bus. He was on the scene shortly after some of the emergency responders showed up, and he was wandering around looking for a way to help. He saw me, but I don't think he reconized me at the time. I could go on and on talking about what he saw, but this blog probably isn't the place for it. It's amazing how long you can put something out of your mind, and then with one short conversation, it all comes rushing back.

Along those same lines, in just over a week I will have to get on a bus again as I go with the band to their first competition. It's something I haven't thought about much, but I can tell you I'm not looking forward to it and it's going to be an extremely difficult day for me.

Anyway, school = same old. I missed my percussion lesson yesterday because if I was really sore. I don't even know what I'm going to do in lessons this semester. I was working on a really cool marimba piece, but it involves a lot of moving around, so it'll probably be a few weeks before I can work on it again.

My knee has been really sore/achy all week. I think it's because I've been getting out and doing things. The weather doesn't help, either. My athletic trainer told me my knee is starting to absorb the bruising in my knee, so I feel it more now, or something like that. Speaking of my athletic trainer, he measured my extension at two degrees (so that means I'm two degrees from having my leg straight). That's two more degrees since last week. Cool.

9.19.2006



tired babbling



I went back to class yesterday. I had one class and then my mom took me grocery shopping, and then I had enough time to take a quick nap and shower before going to percussion ensemble rehearsal. It doesn't sound like much but I'm really tired today. Today I had one class in the morning, then my mom took me to breakfast, and we went to pick up my prescription for more percocet. It was really annoying - there was some miscommunication between the nurse and me as to where the prescription would be, so it took an hour or so to finally get the pills. Luckily I didn't need them right away. When I got home, I was able to take a long nap, and then showered and went to drumline rehearsal at Chi-Hi. Despite my nap today I'm completely exhausted now. Unfortunately I have to study for a test in my counterpoint class tomorrow.

I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. I think I need to take it easy for the next few days. I probably didn't take enough time off from classes. My doctor said I would need up to two weeks off, and I only took six days. I thought it wouldn't be so bad because I'm only doing classes part-time. Oh well, it'll get easier. Right now I'm just worried about my counterpoint test. I think I'll do fine because music theory is my best subject, but I'll be tired and on painkillers and more likely to make stupid mistakes.

I've been feeling better every day, but not so much today. For some reason I was in a lot of pain this morning, but I went to class anyway. I think today was different because until now, I've naturally been waking up early, then I take a painkiller and go back to sleep for a bit. I didn't do that today - I just woke up before class and then took a painkiller, so it didn't have time to take effect before I was up and moving around. It's hard to manage pain once it gets out of control, but I was feeling better a few hours later. It helps that my mom took me to Norske Nook (at Northwoods) for breakfast. Anyway, this sort of pain is nothing like what I was feeling in those few months after the accident, but it's still no fun.

That's it for now. Wish me luck on my test :)



tired babbling



I went back to class yesterday. I had one class and then went grocery shopping, and then I had enough time to take a quick nap and shower before going to percussion ensemble rehearsal. It doesn't sound like much but I'm really tired today. Today I had one class in the morning, then my mom took me to breakfast, and we went to pick up my prescription for more percocet. It was really annoying - there was some miscommunication between the nurse and me as to where the prescription would be, so it took an hour or so to finally get the pills. Luckily I didn't need them right away. When I got home, I was able to take a long nap, and then showered and went to drumline rehearsal at Chi-Hi. Despite my nap today I'm completely exhausted now. Unfortunately I have to study for a test in my counterpoint class tomorrow.

I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. I think I need to take it easy for the next few days. I probably didn't take enough time off from classes. My doctor said I would need up to two weeks off, and I only took six days. I thought it wouldn't be so bad because I'm only doing classes part-time. Oh well, it'll get easier. Right now I'm just worried about my counterpoint test. I think I'll do fine because music theory is my best subject, but I'll be tired and on painkillers and more likely to make stupid mistakes.

I've been feeling better every day, but not so much today. For some reason I was in a lot of pain this morning, but I went to class anyway. I think today was different because until now, I've naturally been waking up early, then I take a painkiller and go back to sleep for a bit. I didn't do that today - I just woke up before class and then took a painkiller, so it didn't have time to take effect before I was up and moving around. It's hard to manage pain once it gets out of control, but I was feeling better a few hours later. It helps that my mom took me to Norske Nook (at Northwoods) for breakfast. Anyway, this sort of pain is nothing like what I was feeling in those few months after the accident, but it's still no fun.

That's it for now. Wish me luck on my test :)

9.18.2006




I took this picture at the Stonesthrow last week. It would have been better if there were people in the picture, but then they would have been blurry because it was kind of a long shutter speed. It looks a little out-of-focus, but the original isn't. Anyway, I just like the colors in it.

9.14.2006



ACL surgery isn't so bad.



Okay, I shouldn't say that - ACL surgery sucks bigtime, but not as much as some of the other surgeries I've had. I'm just talking about post-operative pain, though. The recovery from this surgery will be longer than the last few I've had. From what I'd heard from some people (including my surgeon's nurse), I thought the pain from this surgery was going to be absolutely horrible. I think it helps that I received donor tissue, so instead of my knee trying to recover from the harvest site AND from the graft, I'm just recovering from the graft. Anyway, I'm doing pretty well so far. I had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon this morning to have my bandages removed and check my range of motion. My knee is swollen, but not as bad as it was after my meniscus surgery.

After my doctor's appointment, I went to physical therapy. I met with a therapist I haven't seen before. She measured my knee at 92 degrees (bent) and 4 degrees (straight - basically that means I'm 4 degrees from having my leg totally straight). I'm really proud of myself, because I'm remembering back to the recovery from all my other surgeries, and how much trouble I had with knee stiffness in the first four or five months following the accident. With the help of my dad, I used to do physical therapy exercises for 90 mins or more every day, and would gain only a degree or so of motion every week. My body tends to make scar tissue quickly, so I had to work hard to regain motion before my knee became permanently stiff. I had to break up a lot of scar tissue, which is not pleasant. Anyway, I wasn't very impressed by the physical therapist I saw today. Since she didn't work with me earlier on, she didn't see first-hand how hard of a time I had and how hard I worked. So basically I was subjected to lots of lectures today about the need to get my knee straight. Thanks, I know. I was hoping she'd be more encouraging. I think I'm doing really well so far.

My allergies have been giving me trouble lately. It sucks because my allergies make me sleepy, and I'm on painkillers, so I've been asleep more than I've been awake these past couple days.

I'm pretty sick of the painkillers. They make me feel nauseated. I used to have that problem with Vicodin but not so much with Percocet, but now apparently I can't even handle the Percocet. Luckily I got a prescription for some anti-nausea meds, so hopefully that will help.

I've noticed that after you have more than a few surgeries, people don't visit much anymore :( I'm still in pain (and bored), and it would cheer me up to see people!

9.12.2006



surgery #7



surgery went fine

i'm sore.

9.10.2006



9/11



I hope you like the new look - it's definitely more "me."

Anyway, it's September 11th - 5 years later (ignore what the date on my post says - for some reason I'm on Pacific time). The dates 9/11 and 10/16 will always be etched in my life - 9/11 just because I was an American who lived through that day. To mark the occasion, here is an article from the satirical newspaper The Onion.

Also, here are some Ani Difranco lyrics. She tends to ramble, but I think her song "Self-Evident" is powerful anyway.

"us people are just poems
we're 90% metaphor
with a leanness of meaning
approaching hyper-distillation
and once upon a time
we were moonshine
rushing down the throat of a giraffe
yes, rushing down the long hallway
despite what the p.a. announcement says
yes, rushing down the long stairs
with the whiskey of eternity
fermented and distilled
to eighteen minutes
burning down our throats
down the hall
down the stairs
in a building so tall
that it will always be there
yes, it's part of a pair
there on the bow of noah's ark
the most prestigious couple
just kickin back parked
against a perfectly blue sky
on a morning beatific
in its indian summer breeze
on the day that america
fell to its knees
after strutting around for a century
without saying thank you
or please

and the shock was subsonic
and the smoke was deafening
between the setup and the punch line
cuz we were all on time for work that day
we all boarded that plane for to fly
and then while the fires were raging
we all climbed up on the windowsill
and then we all held hands
and jumped into the sky

and every borough looked up when it heard the first blast
and then every dumb action movie was summarily surpassed
and the exodus uptown by foot and motorcar
looked more like war than anything i've seen so far
so far
so far
so fierce and ingenious
a poetic specter so far gone
that every jackass newscaster was struck dumb and stumbling
over 'oh my god' and 'this is unbelievable' and on and on
and i'll tell you what, while we're at it
you can keep the pentagon
keep the propaganda
keep each and every tv
that's been trying to convince me
to participate
in some prep school punk's plan to perpetuate retribution
perpetuate retribution
even as the blue toxic smoke of our lesson in retribution
is still hanging in the air
and there's ash on our shoes
and there's ash in our hair
and there's a fine silt on every mantle
from hell's kitchen to brooklyn
and the streets are full of stories
sudden twists and near misses
and soon every open bar is crammed to the rafters
with tales of narrowly averted disasters
and the whiskey is flowin
like never before
as all over the country
folks just shake their heads
and pour

so here's a toast to all the folks who live in palestine
afghanistan
iraq

el salvador

here's a toast to the folks living on the pine ridge reservation
under the stone cold gaze of mt. rushmore

here's a toast to all those nurses and doctors
who daily provide women with a choice
who stand down a threat the size of oklahoma city
just to listen to a young woman's voice

here's a toast to all the folks on death row right now
awaiting the executioner's guillotine
who are shackled there with dread and can only escape into their heads
to find peace in the form of a dream

cuz take away our playstations
and we are a third world nation
under the thumb of some blue blood royal son
who stole the oval office and that phony election
i mean
it don't take a weatherman
to look around and see the weather
jeb said he'd deliver florida, folks
and boy did he ever

and we hold these truths to be self evident:
#1 george w. bush is not president
#2 america is not a true democracy
#3 the media is not fooling me
cuz i am a poem heeding hyper-distillation
i've got no room for a lie so verbose
i'm looking out over my whole human family
and i'm raising my glass in a toast

here's to our last drink of fossil fuels
let us vow to get off of this sauce
shoo away the swarms of commuter planes
and find that train ticket we lost
cuz once upon a time the line followed the river
and peeked into all the backyards
and the laundry was waving
the graffiti was teasing us
from brick walls and bridges
we were rolling over ridges
through valleys
under stars
i dream of touring like duke ellington
in my own railroad car
i dream of waiting on the tall blonde wooden benches
in a grand station aglow with grace
and then standing out on the platform
and feeling the air on my face

give back the night its distant whistle
give the darkness back its soul
give the big oil companies the finger finally
and relearn how to rock-n-roll
yes, the lessons are all around us and a change is waiting there
so it's time to pick through the rubble, clean the streets
and clear the air
get our government to pull its big dick out of the sand
of someone else's desert
put it back in its pants
and quit the hypocritical chants of
freedom forever

cuz when one lone phone rang
in two thousand and one
at ten after nine
on nine one one
which is the number we all called
when that lone phone rang right off the wall
right off our desk and down the long hall
down the long stairs
in a building so tall
that the whole world turned
just to watch it fall



and while we're at it
remember the first time around?
the bomb?
the ryder truck?
the parking garage?
the princess that didn't even feel the pea?
remember joking around in our apartment on avenue D?

can you imagine how many paper coffee cups would have to change their design
following a fantastical reversal of the new york skyline?!

it was a joke, of course
it was a joke
at the time
and that was just a few years ago
so let the record show
that the FBI was all over that case
that the plot was obvious and in everybody's face
and scoping that scene
religiously
the CIA
or is it KGB?
committing countless crimes against humanity
with this kind of eventuality
as its excuse
for abuse after expensive abuse
and it didn't have a clue
look, another window to see through
way up here
on the 104th floor
look
another key
another door
10% literal
90% metaphor
3000 some poems disguised as people
on an almost too perfect day
should be more than pawns
in some asshole's passion play
so now it's your job
and it's my job
to make it that way
to make sure they didn't die in vain
sshhhhhh....
baby listen
hear the train?"

9.09.2006

psst... hey.. I updated my website again. Check it out if you want.

9.06.2006



my name is amy and i am a super-duper senior



Does anyone happen to have a list of the rules G used to teach in AP music theory at Chi-Hi? I'm taking Baroque Counterpoint this semester (which involves part-writing) and, oops, I forgot the rules. And they don't really teach them in college. So... if anyone has those, could you email them to me? :)

Other than that, I don't have a whole lot to write about - just trying to get back into the swing of things. It's weird for me because I'm only taking classes part-time again this semester, and I'm getting ready to have another surgery. I realized that I haven't had a "normal" semester since the accident, and I probably won't for the rest of my time at UWEC. I feel like everything I was used to was ripped away from me, and it just hasn't been the same since. I guess that just proves you shouldn't take anything for granted. It could completely change unexpectedly. As far as the music department goes, I think I'm "out of the loop" now - not socially, but I think I'm missing out on opportunities that I would have gotten otherwise. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but that's okay. I just feel so disoriented because I'm older than almost everyone else in the department, and everyone else was gearing up for school, but I'm gearing up for my next surgery. Everyone else is thinking about class schedules and upcoming recitals, and I'm thinking about how long I'm going to be on crutches.

Anyway, surgery #7. Tuesday. Fun times.

9.05.2006



first day of school



I should be starting grad school today. Instead, I'm starting my sixth year as an undergrad. I know I'm lucky that I'm only a year behind, and that I can still go to grad school eventually. And I have a good reason, so I shouldn't feel completely lame for not having a degree. But it's frustrating anyway.

9.02.2006



photos



I love living so close to the bike trail. Ali and I went on a short walk yesterday and I took some pictures - I'll have to go back and do it again when the leaves start changing color. I don't have Photoshop on my computer right now, so the photos are a little dark and have too much cyan.

We passed a pile of snow. You know you're in Wisconsin when you see snow in early September.... Actually, it was just a bunch of ice behind the ice arena.


This is by my house. The sign lights up at night and looks like Vegas. It kind of freaks me out.


Behold, the bike trail.