. . . . .

12.31.2006



it's been a long year.



I just looked through some of my posts from the beginning of the year, and I was going to post some snippets about the milestones I reached throughout 2006. However, once I started pouring over some of the old entries, I realized just how much I've gone through in the past year. It would take me forever to read through all my old posts. Just to sum up some of the other things that have happened this year: I had five surgeries in 2006, and after each one, I had to work hard to regain my strength. in January I ditched the wheelchair and the walking cast. I went back to school part-time. In February I was able to start driving again, and then moved back to my house in EC. During the spring time, I basically re-learned how to walk. In May, I finished my spring semester classes and also finished up all my incompletes from the previous semester. Speaking of school, I had to push back my intended graduation date three times (to summer 2006, fall 2006, spring 2007). This summer I went back to work with the marching band, and in October I rode buses to all the competitions. I'm continuing to work hard and reach milestones, although now they're not as frequent and maybe aren't as big of a deal.

I feel like I've hit a plateau in my physical recovery, and it's so frustrating. I am ending this year a lot stronger than I started it, but I'm still so weak and I still hurt all the time. I still can't do so many of the things I used to love doing. I can't even carry my own damn laundry to the laundromat across the street. If you had told me last January that I'd be at this point now, I probably wouldn't have believed you. A year seems like such a long time, and we tend to hope that time will heal all wounds. I guess part of growing up is learning that isn't always true.

12.26.2006



i don't want to switch to the new version of blogger, leave me alone



Christmas was good. It was kind of weird. I think the theme of this Christmas, for everyone, was not being able to get the whole family together (reading Andrea's post made me realize that). My brother and his girlfriend are working through the busy ski season in WY, and Raji couldn't get down to FL to see his parents. I think he and I were both okay with that - it's just a day, like any other day, and we'll get to see them soon. We were lucky to have some time to go down to IL to see my extended family for a few days. We came back yesterday and planned on having a nice, relaxing Christmas evening with a few friends, opening presents and stuff. There ended up being some drama courtesy of Raji's little brother, but whatever.

Today I went for a long walk, and I'm definitely feeling it now. I saw my athletic trainer last week and he thinks I have an overuse injury in my knee. He said I need to lighten up my exercise routine (I had been going to the gym for a light workout every other day). I'm really frustrated because I want to build up endurance, but that's hard to do when I need to "take it easy." It's especially frustrating because my knee hurts the most when I'm going up stairs or doing other exercises that work my quads, and that's exactly what I need to be working on right now. uhaonw74y5987465vn73q45yvn0q3985v.

I got a fish eye lens for Christmas. I'm excited. Today was too sunny to take very good photos, but I took a roll anyway.








(this is how mischevious Mitzie normally looks - not long after this, she disappeared into my armoire again)

12.23.2006



the past few days: a summary



- Hung out with high school friends a lot - everyone has been home all week because, unlike me, they had finals last week.
- Gave a group presentation for my art history class. It didn't totally suck. The Mexica gods must have been pleased.
- Started a small kitchen fire. Thanks, shitty stove. Good to know that the smoke alarms in my house don't work. That's okay, the cats more than made up for it.
- Spent a billionty hours working on my fugue, and I'm happy with the way it turned out.
- Cleaned my house.
- Lost a cat and then found her in my armoire. I'm pretty sure my cats wouldn't survive a day without myself or my roommate around to fix their stupid mistakes.
- Had some people over for a holiday party, listened to lots of Hanukkah music (thanks XM), and had a late night percussion jam session.
- Drove with Raji to Illinois (where I am right now) for my extended family's Christmas party. Thankfully the weather was fine, so the drive wasn't too bad. I realized that in general I must look better than I feel, because all my relatives were telling me I look good, but in reality I feel like crap. Then again, compared to last year at this time, I probably do look good.

I think that's it. Doesn't sound so exciting when summarized like that, but it's been a good week (when I wasn't dealing with stupid final projects).

Merry Christmas!

12.19.2006



that which cannot be put into words



Well, it's about that time of the semester again - the time where everyone else is on winter break and those of us at UWEC are in the midst of finals. Since I'm a part-time student this semester, I don't have many finals this week. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed anyway. I actually don't have any tests this week, just projects. I'd almost rather have tests, instead of having to finish composing a fugue. For the record, fugues are pretty hard to write. I have so much stuff going on this week that I had to create a big "to-do" list. I'm having trouble keeping track of everything. In addition to the projects I'm working on, I taught for a few hours at Menomonie yesterday (I'm working with their winter drumline - I don't know if I mentioned that on here). Also, I have to finish those pesky grad school applications. Speaking of things I need to do, note to self: buy cat food before the savages get upset.

I had my percussion jury yesterday and it went pretty well. Actually I think it was the best jury I've ever had, which figures - it wasn't really important this time. I'm working on a marimba solo by Julie Spencer called "After the Storm." It's really difficult, but I absolutely love it. I'm playing it on my joint recital next semester (April 12th), so I should have enough time to perfect it. My hands were really tired because I practiced way too much in the days leading up to my jury, but like I said, it went fine.

I got a CD from the Memorial Concert that was held in May, and I'm listening to "Threnody" (the piece that was commissioned from Jim Bonney). Wow, I almost forgot how heavy it is. It's a lot different to listen to it, rather than playing it. It's easier to appreciate what's going on when you're not counting measures of rests. Listening to it reminds me of how difficult those rehearsals were. I think I kept it together pretty well, but all I was thinking about the whole time was how unfair it is that those five people are gone. I spent a lot of time crying that week. I remember some people saying the piece is too sad, and they wished it were more optimistic, or something like that. I know that would have made people feel more comfortable, but I like it just the way it is. As far as I know, there is no real-life happy ending in this case, so let's not make one up. Besides, I think the point of music is to take us somewhere, even if that place is uncomfortable. It says things for which we can't find words, or that we're too afraid to say. As Victor Hugo said, "Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent." Sad as it is, I'm so glad we'll always have this piece of music as a way of remembering. If you'd like to get your hands on a CD from the concert (in exchange for a small donation to the Greenhalgh Endowment Fund), talk to Andrei.

On a lighter note (I think?), watch this:



Interesting, but not surprising.

I've started becoming addicted to YouTube (I know, I'm a little late on that one)... Andrei posted a bunch of links to neat videos. This one of Chick Corea and Gary Burton is my favorite, despite (or maybe because of?) the abundance of bad hair:



Gary Burton's dampening skills are crazy.

Anyway, good luck on finals.

12.14.2006



reflective/tired



I don't know why, but I've been in a reflective mood lately. Maybe because we're nearing the end of the semester and the end of the year.

Among the things I've been thinking about: how people act in unexpected situations, and what it says about them. After the accident, one of my friends said that bad situations like this bring out the true nature of people. She was referring to myself and the others who were injured, but I think people show their true selves when interacting with others who are going through a bad situation. Basically, I think a person's ability to empathize says a lot about them - their maturity level, their experiences, etc. Looking back on everything I've been through, I've encountered some real assholes since the accident (the parking office, and others who will go unnamed). It amazes me that people can be so callous. On the other hand, most people have been really amazing, and have shown their best side to me while I've been going through this really difficult time. That was explained better in my head. Oh well.

Tomorrow is the annual Holiday Lobby Concert in the Fine Arts building. It will be fun, but it brings up memories of last year, of me being in a wheelchair and seeing a lot of people I hadn't seen in a long time. It was an emotional day for me, though I probably didn't make it obvious. It's amazing to think of how far I've come in a year, and how much my friends have been there for me.

I've been going to the gym a lot lately in an attempt to build up my endurance, but it's going to take a very long time before I see much improvement. My knee has been giving out a lot because my leg muscles are so fatigued from exercising. Fortunately I wear a knee brace, so it doesn't hurt too much when my knee gives out. Stairs are still difficult/painful - no change there.

I think I had more to say, but I'm tired.



12.08.2006



?



Does anyone have a recording of Wind Symphony playing "Methuselah" last spring?

Let me know if you do. Okay thanks bye.

P.S. Does anyone know the status of the audio recording from the memorial concert in May?

12.07.2006



let's go away for a while



Raji had surgery yesterday to fix his nose/sinuses. He'd been having problems since he broke his nose in the accident. During surgery, his doc straightened his septum, and did some other stuff to reduce swelling or scar tissue or something. Raji's brother and I took him to the hospital (before six yesterday morning........) and sat around with him while he waited to go into the OR, and then we waited through his surgery and took him home. It was weird (but really nice!) not being the one in the OR this time. I feel bad for my parents for having to wait through all my surgeries. Anyway, the surgery went fine. He seems to be doing pretty well, all things considered. Right now I'm just killing some time before I go find some lunch for him.

After I wrote my last post (about a friend making a hurtful remark), I was told about someone else who made a sarcastic comment directed toward me. I don't understand where people get off giving me a hard time about my schedule and what I'm up to these days. Evidently the people who are making these remarks believe that I'm not very busy, and I should be busier, or something. I don't get it.

First of all, I'm recovering from a lot of stuff. My last surgery was less than three months ago, and it's not like it was just one surgery. It was the last in a series of seven surgeries. And it was a pretty major surgery. I'm still feeling fatigued, and I'm in a lot of pain lately. If people want to compare their schedules to mine, they should compare their health to mine, also.

Secondly, believe it or not, I'm pretty busy these days. Sure, I'm only taking seven credits, but that's four upper-level classes. Just like everyone else, I have projects and tests to do in these last weeks of the semester. I may not have as much school work as everyone else, but it's something. In addition to school, I performed in a concert earlier this week and took the GRE last weekend, and those things required practicing and studying, respectively. Also, I'm working with Menomonie's winter drumline, doing grad school prep stuff, trying to exercise daily, and do some Christmas shopping in my spare time. I'm not going to claim that all the things I'm currently involved with occupy every second of my time. However, it's presumptuous and condescending to decide that I'm being lazy, or whatever people think of me. Like I said, I don't understand. I know I'm letting this bother me way too much. I'm still at a point in my life where I need lots of support from the people around me, and it's hard for me to deal with snide, baseless comments.

Okay, rant over. Today I went to the knee doctor for x-rays and a check-up. It was pretty much what I expected - "It's normal to be sore - you've been through a lot. Here, have some more painkillers." At this point it's not like there's a magic solution. My doc said I should feel a little better when I build more strength, and after more time has passed, and when the weather is warmer. I was also told that I probably have tendinitis in my knee, which would help explain why it hurts so much. Great, just add that on to everything else.

I'm so ready for a vacation. I'll be in Mexico in a month. As it turns out, Mexico is warmer than Wisconsin. Yay!

12.03.2006



i don't have the patience to watch you looking down on me



I was having a bad night already, and then a close friend said something really condescending. People just don't fucking get it.

12.01.2006



if train A leaves the station at 2:00, and train B is traveling at a speed of 40 mph, who cares?



This week started out pretty well, but now I'm just completely exhausted. I've been studying every day for the damn GRE - I'll be so glad when it's over. I started going to the gym again to do light aerobic workouts. I did that three or four times this week. I need to build up my endurance. Also, I've been working on grad school apps (it seems late, but mine aren't due for another month or so). Add that to my regular classes and preparing for a percussion ensemble concert, and that's more than enough to wear me out. Actually, I'm proud of myself - this is the most productive week I've had for as long as I can remember. Oh, I even did some Christmas shopping and decorating.

So I had energy to do a lot of stuff this week, but now it's catching up with me. I just need to get through the GRE tomorrow and then I can come home and sleep. I wish I could just take it easy for the rest of the weekend, but I have a project due and a test early next week. And I need to work on those grad school applications. There are a lot of other things I'd love to be doing, like playing piano or working on arrangements for my joint recital next semester, but I just don't have the energy to take on anything else right now.

I had physical therapy yesterday, and it made me frustrated. I still can't do stairs very well, and my ankle motion still sucks. My therapist taught me some new exercises to do four times a week, so hopefully that will help. Between the gym and physical therapy, I'm working a lot on trying to build strength in my quads and to loosen up my ankle joint.

As if I don't have enough to worry about right now, this weather is really irritating my ankle and knee. Rainy weather sucks because it makes me ache a lot, but bitter cold is worse because it gives me sharp pains that make it hard to walk.

Okay, I'm done complaining. I just needed to vent a little. I know it's just the end-of-the-semester crunch and I'm not the only one feeling a little stressed.

11.28.2006



we're clever but we're clueless



I have to take the GRE on Saturday. I am brushing up on my math, because it's my worst subject.

I hate math.


You Are 20% Left Brained, 80% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.
Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.
If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.
Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.
Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.
If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.
Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

11.27.2006

Is it winter break yet?

11.21.2006



if you never try, you'll never know



So... I'm still getting over bronchitis. I'm feeling a lot better, but I still have no energy. I just got back from physical therapy. It was the first time I was able to go in about two weeks, and it pretty much kicked my butt. I feel like I've lost a lot of the gains I had made (as far as strength and endurance goes).

Apparently ER this week is about a bus accident. Fuck that.

Why is everything in the world due the week of Thanksgiving break? Luckily I only had a couple assignments due (since I only have a couple of classes), but it seems like everyone else is completely overloaded. I can't wait for break. It's not like I do much during an ordinary day, and I'm not going anywhere this week, so it's not much of a "break" for me I guess. But it's something different, and I'll get to see some high school friends, so I'm looking forward to that.

After break (or maybe during, if I'm feeling ambitious), I'm going to start working on grad school apps and get back to studying for the GRE. I'm kind of dreading all that grad school preparation, but at the same time I'm looking forward to it. I'm ready to get out of here. The problem is, I'm not sure how far away I should go, since I'm sure I'll still be having medical appointments as a result of the accident. What a mess. I'm just going to send out a bunch of applications and see where I get accepted, and then think about where to go.

I blame the randomness of this post on my weird sleep schedule.

11.15.2006



no lyric for this one



I went to the doctor yesterday, and evidently I have bronchitis. My immune system gets an F.

11.13.2006



when you've got to feel it in your bones



Here is some stuff that has been happening lately:

One of my close friends has been having some medical problems. It's especially stressful for her because the doctors aren't sure exactly what it is yet. I understand some of what she's going through because I went through some of it too (spending some time in the hospital, staying with the parents, having to drop classes, etc.), but it's hard seeing her so stressed out. I wish they would just figure out what it is so she can get treatment. Sorry for being so vague - if you're reading this, you probably don't know her anyway.

In lighter news, I have been in contact with one of my profs from last semester concerning an incorrect grade. In college, rarely can you say that a bad grade was your prof's fault, but in this case, my prof lost part of one of my tests and then turned in a grade that didn't count that lost answer. I am happy to report that my prof finally found the essay and changed my grade. It went up by almost TWO letters! That makes my life a little easier. I kind of blew off that class because something had to give last semester, but I knew I did better than the grade I got in the class.

I spent some time this weekend working with the Chippewa Valley Brigade, which is a new drum corps in the area. It was good experience for me, but it completely wore me out. I still have a complete lack of energy. The kids were cool though, and I have a new respect for the work that has gone into the corps. I just wish some more people would join... *hinthint*, maybe we could get some Chi-Hi kids interested......

What else... Oh, I was almost over this stupid cold, and then I got sick all over again. I think I just don't have the energy to fight it off. My mom is bugging me to go to the doctor, so maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I'm trying to get back into my physical therapy routine at home but it's hard because I don't have any energy. I spend most of my time being completely exhausted. I swear I never knew the meaning of the word "exhausted" until the stupid accident.

Speaking of physical therapy, I've been trying to use the stairs more often, and I think I've been making small gains. It will be a while before I can go up and down the stairs without people noticing that I'm struggling. It's hard because my leg is so weak that I'm using other muscles to compensate. I think I pulled a muscle in my back (under my ribs) from going up and down stairs. I never knew stairs could be such a challenge.

It snowed last week, and while it was pretty, it made me wish I were somewhere warm. I was so sore that I could barely walk, and whenever I was in a building, I was worried I'd slip on the wet floors. Plus, the snow was past ankle-deep, which sucks when you have a bad ankle. Winter has barely even started and I'm already sick of it. The weather makes my aches and pains even worse. The worst aches are the ones I know I can't do anything about. When my foot and ankle are bothering me, usually I can elevate it and rest for a while and it feels a little better. When I exercise or ice my knee, some parts of it feel a little better. But there are some aches - like the outside of my knee, or the spot where my femur broke - that can't really be helped. The outside of my knee has been bothering me all weekend, and it sucks knowing that I can't just go to the doctor and have him do something to make it all better. I'm still in constant pain - if it's not one thing, it's another.

New game: song lyrics for titles. You get a cookie if you guess the song.

11.09.2006



it wears me out



Here's an update on stuff since last week.

Last Friday I had an appointment with an occupational medicine doctor. It was the first time I've met with him. I think basically his job is to oversee my case and track my progress. Since it was the first time I'd met with him, I had to re-hash everything I've gone through in the past year. Then he talked about how he thinks I'll be affected long-term. None of my other doctors really talk to me in terms of the future, so in a way it was nice to finally hear something about that from a doctor. It was hard, though. I heard pretty much what I expected, but it was sobering and depressing to hear it from someone who knows what he's talking about. Anyway, I won't go into details (because you never know who can find your blog). In good news though, he said it's obvious that I'm working really hard and I've come a long way.

I had a good talk with Catherine last week that pretty much sums up how I've been feeling lately. She mentioned that after you've gone through something really bad, it's hard to relate to people your own age. I feel like everyone around me is worried about things like whether or not they'll catch the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy or whether they'll be able to get off work so they can go drink, and I'm in a completely different world. But I know that's not exactly true - nobody's life is perfect, and everyone has their rough spots.

I'm still sick, but I think I'm gradually getting better. The biggest problem now is my complete lack of energy. It feels like I have mono - that's how exhausted I am. I know I don't have mono, this is just what it's like to try and recover from everything I've been through, and then be sick on top of that. I haven't had the energy to do much physical therapy stuff lately, and now I feel like I lost some of the progress I'd made. My fatigue is worse now that I'm sick, but it's pretty much something I've been dealing with since last October. The occupational med doctor told me it's partly due to my weight loss. I think there's something more to it, though - it seems like everyone who was affected by the accident is tired all the time now. Anyway, I was hoping by this point in the semester I'd be starting to feel better. I'm not looking forward to next semester - I'll be taking classes full-time again. I hope I get some of my energy back before then.

Okay, now something positive: speaking of school, I got A's on both of my tests last week, including the Baroque counterpoint test from hell.

I think I had more to write about, but I'm tired and it's time to pick up my laundry.

I'm not going to go into how I feel about the election results...

11.02.2006



< 1000 words



Okay. I should update. I actually have some free time now that I'm not studying for any tests or doing homework. I had two big tests this past week. The art history one wasn't so bad, but my counterpoint test was insane. I think I did okay on it, but you know it's bad when nobody finishes the test within the class period. I spent probably 55 minutes on it and felt pretty rushed.

Anyway, here's a summary of life since the last time I posted:

Last weekend we celebrated Halloween with a party at Raji's. It was a lot of fun - a bunch of us dressed as the cast from Anchorman. Ryan was Brick, and his costume was perfect. It was cool to see a lot of people I hadn't seen in a while. Oh, and my mom made food, so that was sweet.

A couple weeks ago I went with the band down to the state marching band championships. It also happened to be my birthday, and the rest of the staff threw me a little surprise party, complete with a homemade cake. They started to write "Happy Birthday Amy" on the cake with frosting, but they ran out of room, so it turned into "Happy Amy". It was funny. That pretty much turned into the joke for the rest of the weekend, since word got out to the rest of the band about my birthday. They sang "Happy Amy" to me (to the tune of "Happy Birthday"). Then a couple of my students made a card for me and my whole section signed it. All in all, it was a fun birthday.

Unfortunately it started raining that afternoon and the marching band show got moved into a fieldhouse. They marked the floor so the bands could march on it, but I don't think the visual judges actually judged, due to the conditions. We tried to be positive with the students about the move inside, but I know it must have been hard for them. The same thing happened my first year in marching band, but they didn't have the field house yet, so we did the performance at a stand-still in the gym. It was such a let-down. We worked all season for that performance. Now that I'm older and wiser I know that it isn't always about the end result, but that's a hard one to explain to the students. Anyway, we performed indoors and took fifth place. I think we would have done better if we'd been judged on the visual aspect of the show, since that was probably stronger than the musical aspect. The students were disappointed about the move indoors and about their placement, but they accepted it with class and maturity. As one senior said, we'd rather earn fifth place than be given first place out of pity.

I feel like this is the point where I say something to sum up the season, now that it's over. Well, I think Collicott did a really good job of leading the band. I know it wasn't easy, but I admire him because I know it took a lot of physical, mental, and emotional strength to pick up where he and G left off last year. The season seemed very surreal to me. I worked hard to do the best job I could, but it felt weird. I'm sad that the season is over because I looked forward to working with the students and seeing all the other staffers. On the other hand, I feel like some weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Teaching is hard work.

So other than that stuff, I've been spending my free time trying to accomplish everything on my "to do" list. I have started to focus on grad school again. My plans had been on the back burner since the accident, but now I'm trying to get everything sorted out so I can hopefully go to grad school in the fall. I scheduled my GRE - I take it in a month or so. Then I have another month to turn in my applications.

I've also been spending more time exercising and doing physical therapy. I meet with my athletic trainer once a week, and then I do exercises at home every day. When it was nice out last week, I went for a couple long walks on the bike trail. I walked about a mile last friday, which is a very long walk for me. It's the farthest I've been able to go on the bike trail since last October. But I probably walk about that far when I'm shopping or whatever and then I'm not paying attention to it. My knee still aches a lot but it feels a little stronger. I'm so glad my ACL is fixed now - I notice a difference. I used to hate straightening my leg because my knee would kind of lock up, but it doesn't do that anymore. My ankle has still been giving me problems, but that's not really "news". Basically it hasn't gotten much better since whenever it was operated on last, but now the cold weather is making it feel worse.

I still don't have much energy these days, and I'm hoping that comes back soon. I want to settle into a recovery/workout routine and have the energy to keep up with it once I start classes full-time in the spring. It doesn't help that I'm sick now, but hopefully I'll get over that soon.

Speaking of being sick, I think I had more to write but then I just spaced because I am a total zombie right now.

Here's a new picture I took tonight:

10.30.2006



worth a thousand words



Sorry for the no updates. Life is busy. I'll post a real update soon. In the meantime, here are some photos I took from the bike trail last week (click if you want to see biggies):









10.19.2006



anniversary and PT



The one year anniversary came and went. I thought it would be just like any other day, but it hit me harder than I thought it would. I didn't know what to do with myself. I decided it wasn't good for me to sit home alone, so I went to the fine arts building to look for friends. It was kind of weird because I didn't see many people I recognized. I ran into a few people but then I didn't feel like talking. I think I was worried I'd break down, but I don't know why I was so worried - it would have been totally okay if I did. Anyway, after that I decided to go shopping, and that made me feel a little better. At least it got my mind off things for a little bit.

I felt a little overwhelmed on Monday with everyone talking about the accident (and then seeing it all over the media). It made me realize that, except for that one day, a lot of people don't talk about it much anymore. I hope it's because they're dealing with it well, and not because it's our social custom to not dwell on bad things for too long. Maybe it's some of both.

I have a feeling Saturday will be hard, too. When a reporter interviewed me a couple of weeks ago, he brought it up: Saturday will probably be more like the "one-year mark" than the 16th was, because we'll be at the same marching band competition we were at that night last year. I hadn't thought of it that way, but as soon as he said it, I knew he was probably right. I think it will be okay for me personally because I do better when I'm in large groups of people. But I know it will be a difficult day for a lot of people. In any case, it's been a long week and I'll be glad to have it behind me.

Thank you again for all the visits to my blog and all the messages and stuff. It's nice to know people are thinking of me - and I'm thinking of all of you, too.

Things on the physical therapy front are going so-so. My knee is recovering well from the ACL graft. Now my therapist and athletic trainers are beginning to focus more on my ankle. It's really stiff and sore. I have a lot of trouble with stairs - I still can't walk up and down them normally (wow, it's been over a year since I've been able to do that). I think the PT staff just started to notice how limited my ankle motion is. My knee has always been the top priority, and my doctors/therapists/trainers knew the ankle motion would come with time and normal use. Now it's getting to the point where my ankle motion (or lack thereof) is limiting my knee motion, so it's time to work on that. My therapist has started using a technique called "manual joint mobilization", which I'm pretty sure is synonymous with "hell". Basically he pushes and pulls on my foot. It hurts so much, and I feel like my ankle is too messed up for anything to help. I guess it will probably get better, but it's going to take a long, long time. Hopefully PT will be a distant memory by the time we hit the two-year mark.

10.18.2006



aha!



I finally figured out how to change the time zone on my blog! All my posts have been showing up in mountain time, which has been irritating me to no end. If you have a Blogger account, you can change your time zone by going to Settings > Formatting > Time Zone. It's really not difficult, but until now I didn't have the patience to search for it in the settings.

I have plenty more to write, but unfortunately my art history assignment has to come first. I'll write more later.

10.16.2006



one year later



Thanks for all the visits to this blog (and the messages, and the phone calls, and the flowers). Today's post isn't going to be about me - I'd rather share some memories.

I didn't have enough time to get to know Branden very well, but here are a couple memories that will stick with me:

I ran into him at the bars sometime during the summer of 2004, and we talked about the upcoming marching band season. He was SO excited to work with the kids.

Last season, I started getting to know Branden a little more. We had a lot of inside jokes last year, and one of them was to call Branden "lower-case C" because when he was a student teacher, he always followed Collicott (a.k.a. "C") everywhere. We decided that when Branden graduated and had a band department of his own, he would become "A". Branden thought that was pretty funny.

As far as G goes, I have so many memories of good times with him, this post will only scratch the surface. G was that teacher in my life (and in the lives of a lot of his students) who really inspired me. It sounds trite saying that, but it's true, and I can't think of another way to say it. I'm better with music than I am with words. Anyway, he was a lot of things to me - a teacher, a mentor, an inspiration, and a friend. Here are some random memories:

We had a lot of fun times in AP music theory class. We used to watch movies every now and then, and we would all bring snacks. I don't think we were supposed to eat in class, but as long as we brought G some pretzels and frosting, he was happy. Another AP class memory: when the day came to have yearbook photos taken of our class, a few students were missing. G drew pictures of their faces and we held them up in the picture. It was hilarious - I can't believe that photo ended up in the yearbook.

G loved to surprise his students. In jazz band Raji's senior year, he bugged G every day to let us play the tune "Some Skunk Funk". G always yelled at Raji and said we weren't going to play it. G showed me that he'd pulled the chart from the music library so we could play it, but he didn't tell Raji. I remember Raji was upset until the day he sat down at the set and "Some Skunk Funk" was on his stand waiting for him.

My senior year, I started suggesting to G that the school get a new marimba (the instrument I was playing in marching band that year). Ours was at least 20 years old and was showing significant wear. It didn't even sound like a marimba anymore. G told me the music department wouldn't be able to afford a marimba that year - they'd have to wait until after I graduated. Then one day I walked into the band room, and there was a brand new marimba (I think my brother had something to do with that - he worked a short stint at the marimba factory). Obviously it wasn't my marimba, it was the school's, but in any case G made me feel special that day.

There are a lot of really funny memories of G, but I can't think of a specific one to talk about right now. Feel free to leave a comment with memories of your own! I'm burned out - it's time to go to do something fun.

10.15.2006



here we are



So it's been a year. This has been the longest year of my life, but at times it seems like it's flown by. I think the most frustrating part for me is that I still don't have normal use of my right leg (and it will be a long time before I do). It seems weird to think about doing things like running around or dancing because it's been so long since I could do any of that stuff. I know I'm so lucky to be alive, but I'm still angry about the extent of my leg injuries and the way they've affected my life.

Now that we've hit that one year mark, the media is doing a lot of stories about the accident. Some people say they're sick of the media dwelling on it, but I figure it's just their job. Reading some of the newspaper articles that have come out over the past couple days have reminded me just how many people were affected by the accident.

The Chippewa Herald did articles yesterday, today, and will again tomorrow. The Leader Telegram devoted almost their entire news section today to the accident. It's probably a little bit of overkill, but then again maybe it's necessary - I think people really want to know how everyone is doing one year later.

The Herald did an article yesterday about Andrea. I think it's nice that the paper did an entire story on her, but they put a very positive spin on something that wasn't very positive. It was kind of interesting though because Andrea and I had just had a conversation the previous day about outsiders' perspective of the accident. This is a generalization, but it seems like outsiders want to think of a happy ending to this whole situation, like we're in a movie. I think we both got that feeling from the people we talked to in the media. They like to ask things like, "what positive things have happened in the past year?" I know they just want to make people smile a little when they're reading the article instead of make it even more depressing, but they have to understand that we're not all better. But there are some positive moments here and there, and I guess I don't blame the media for wanting to focus on those moments.

The Spectator was going to do a story on the accident for tomorrow's paper, but I'm not sure if it's going to happen now. They will probably do an article for next Monday's paper. It's a long story, but basically they forgot about the story until I emailed them a few days ago, and then they were trying to throw something together for their deadline. I suggested they hold off for a week or so, and then they can have time to write a nice, sensitive article. They actually listened to my suggestion, so they will probably be doing an article next week.

I don't really know what to do with myself tomorrow. I want to pretend it's just a normal day, but I think the media coverage will make the accident hard to ignore. Are there any plans to hang out or anything tomorrow night? I know tomorrow will be a difficult day for a lot of people, so hopefully we can be together and do something so it's not so hard to deal with. Those of you who are in other parts of the country or world - I'm thinking of you, and I hope tomorrow is as uneventful as possible.

Tomorrow the students at Chi-Hi will mark the one-year anniversary of the accident by having a school-wide moment of silence. They will also be receiving dogtags or a necklace or something to commemorate this year's show. No media is allowed on school grounds tomorrow - a good decision on the part of the faculty.

Speaking of Chi-Hi, here is one of those positive moments: at our band's rehearsal on Friday, a woman from Vandercook College of Music gave a scholarship to Jessi for a school of her choice. Jessi is a senior, and she was badly injured on the bus last year. Then on Saturday at our home show, two band directors from Missouri flew in and presented us with over $11,000 for the Greenhalgh endowment fund. Eleven thousand dollars!!! It was part of a project that Missouri's school band programs are participating in, where each year proceeds from their concerts will go to a high school in need. So yeah, that was pretty awesome...

On a completely different subject, I had a good day at physical therapy on Friday. Since my surgery last month, I've had to wear this huge knee brace (hip to ankle) and it was driving me crazy. It would always slide down and rest on my ankle joint, which happens to be the joint where I dislocated my foot - not comfortable at all. I thought I'd have to wear the brace for another couple of weeks, but I brought my smaller knee brace in to see if I can start wearing that one yet, and my athletic trainer said that would be fine. Then I got to walk with my little brace on, and without crutches. Up until this point, since my ACL surgery, I couldn't put full weight on my leg unless I was wearing that stupid brace. Now I can just use the smaller brace, and around the house I don't have to use crutches OR the brace!!! :)

At the end of my PT appointment, my trainer wanted me to walk up and down a graded hallway with no crutches before he decided it was safe for me to switch braces. We went through a door marked "employees only" and there was a long hall that sloped downhill. As I was walking down the hall, I thought it looked vaguely familiar. Once I got to the end and turned around, it came rushing back to me - I was there almost a year ago. It was my last day at the hospital, and that morning I had to be wheeled through that hall to the orthopedic clinic to have a cast put on my ankle. I was beyond miserable that day. Any small movement put me in a lot of pain, and I was not looking forward to someone touching my leg and putting a cast on it. I have a lot of bad memories from that day. I felt like I'd never walk again. But I can't tell you how good it felt on Friday to walk all the way down and back up that same hall with only a small knee brace for help.

-------------------------------------------------------
articles:
http://www.leadertelegram.com/story.asp?id=74697
http://www.leadertelegram.com/story.asp?id=74698
(There is more in the print edition of the Leader, including a story I was interviewed for, but they don't put everything on their site...)
http://www.chippewa.com/articles/2006/10/15/news/news1.txt
http://www.chippewa.com/articles/2006/10/15/news/news2.txt
http://www.chippewa.com/articles/2006/10/15/news/news3.txt
http://www.chippewa.com/articles/2006/10/15/news/news4.txt
http://www.chippewa.com/articles/2006/10/15/news/news5.txt
http://www.chippewa.com/articles/2006/10/15/news/news6.txt
http://www.chippewa.com/articles/2006/10/15/news/zebra2.txt
http://www.chippewa.com/articles/2006/10/15/news/zebra2.txt
http://www.chippewa.com/articles/2006/10/15/news/zebra2.txt
http://www.chippewa.com/articles/2006/10/15/news/zebra2.txt

10.12.2006



home show, media, winter



Hey, if you're in the area on Saturday, you should check out Chi-Hi's home show!
5 - 11 PM (Chi-Hi goes on at 8:45ish)
$7 adults/$5 students (children admitted free)
@ Chi-Hi (obviously).

The music program is moving forward and I know it'll be a great show, but I think our past is on everyone's minds. I'm sure there will be lots of ups and downs this week. Within one week we'll have our home show, the one-year anniversary of the accident, and then the competition after which the accident happened (this year it's on my birthday). I think our final competition will be the hardest day - all the good memories from last year mixed with memories of the horrible thing that happened afterwards.

On Wednesday TV-13 did a news special about us and interviewed several people at Chi-Hi (including C and Andrei). Sunday's Leader Telegram will feature a one-year follow-up. I lit a fire under the Spectator writers' butts, so they will probably do an article on Monday. I'm guessing the media will probably show up to at least one of our upcoming competitions. I'm hoping they won't, but I'm just expecting it so I won't be caught off-guard and be upset by their presence.

The band has been doing pretty well. Their scores haven't been the best, but I think they sound good. I feel like everything hasn't quite "clicked" yet, but I bet it'll happen this weekend. The other bands have been incredibly supportive of us, so that's cool.

It has been cold and a little snowy in Wisconsin. I just looked at the weather forecast, and you know you're in WI when it's going to be 27 one night and 58 the next day. I have definitely been feeling the weather change in my leg/knee/foot/whatever. It sucks. I still have some painkillers from my knee surgery, and I'm finding myself using them more for my ankle & foot sometimes than for my knee. I'm already thinking spring......

Let me know if you're planning on going to one of the competitions. I'm looking forward to seeing people!

10.08.2006



news flash



gimp jokes = old.

10.05.2006



marching band, classes, vacation



Chi-Hi's first marching competition came and went, and I think they played pretty well. I haven't seen the scores, but I don't really need to. I think we've made as much or more progress than we usually have by this point in the season. The competition was a nice chance to see people I haven't seen for a while (sorry I didn't get a chance to talk to you, Bryan!). A handful of parent chaperones came with us on Saturday's trip, and they all asked me how I'm doing. It's nice to have so much help & support for the kids and our staff.

As I said in my last post, we took a bus to the Irondale competition last weekend. I think being on a bus was hard on all of us, but we got through it okay, and now we have that first bus ride behind us. It was a little hard for me because I ended up sitting by myself behind the rest of the staff, and I hadn't expected that. I think some people thought I was being a diva because I didn't want to sit by myself, but it wasn't that. If I were a diva, I wouldn't have stepped on that bus in the first place. I was just hoping I'd have people to talk to so I could be distracted. It was okay though because Raji came and sat with me for the rest of the way. Anyway, I'm proud of myself for getting on the bus - I certainly didn't HAVE to go along (I could have driven separately), but I wanted to show myself I could do it.

Physically, the weekend was very hard on me. It was frustrating because I did everything I could - I sat with my leg elevated as much as possible, used my crutches, didn't go long distances, took painkillers, etc. but it wasn't enough. It took me a few days to recover from our one-day trip. I was worried that I messed up my knee more or took a step backwards in my recovery, and in a way I kind of did. Last week during physical therapy I could bend my knee to 120 degrees. This week I could only go to 112, but with some more work I eventually got it to 120. So I guess it didn't really get worse, it just didn't improve at all. I'm worried about this weekend because it's a two-day trip. Oh well, I guess I'll just try and rest as much as possible. I feel like I'm pushing myself too much, but my doctor did say I can go on these trips.

So... on to some more positive topics. I really enjoy the classes I'm taking this semester. I'm taking a Meso-American art history class, Baroque counterpoint, percussion ensemble, and percussion lessons (seven credits total). They're all upper-level classes, so it's enough to keep me interested but not enough to be overwhelming. Dr. Crowell just lent me a new piece to work on for marimba, and I'm starting to work on a Chopin scherzo on piano. I really wish I could still take piano lessons. I've finished my eight-semester requirement, and now I'm on a waiting list to take lessons. Hopefully I'll be able to take lessons next semester. I'm kind of sad because both of the applied piano teachers I had (Cecchini and Dossin) aren't at UWEC anymore. Anyway, I can learn this piece on my own, but it's nice to have someone to check in with every week.

I think I'm going to be in a Leader-Telegram article soon. I got a call today from one of their reporters, and he did a short interview. He's doing a follow-up on some of us since the one year mark is coming up. I might end up in a Spectator article, too. One of their writers did a phone interview with me for an article on campus accessibility (which was awful, by the way) and I asked him if they were planning on doing a follow-up about the bus accident. He asked, "Oh, is that the accident where a UWEC student died?" I mentioned that, in addition, myself and four other students were injured, and there was a long pause as he absorbed that information. Of course he had no way of knowing that, since the Speculator didn't give us more than a quick mention in one article. I think they were too busy writing narcissistic fluff.

In other news, I am finally going on VACATION!!!! If you read this blog regularly, you probably know how badly I want to go on vacation. It's been one hell of a year, and I just need to go somewhere and get away from it all. In early January I'll be going on a cruise to Mexico with my parents, Raji, Dan, & Tenley. Yay!

I think that's about it. I had more, but it's late and I'm tired. Anyway, thanks for reading. It's flattering that people want to know what's going on in my life.

9.24.2006



buses



I used to think of marching band whenever I caught a whiff of diesel fuel. There was no better feeling than climbing onto a warm bus after a morning rehearsal, and being on our way to a marching band competition.

Now, whenever I get close to a bus, I just feel like throwing up.

When you stop to think about it, it's kind of amazing that every day, people all across the world get into cars, buses, and trains without thinking twice about it. We trust that these huge vessels of metal and glass will get us from point A to point B without incident. And we have to trust that; otherwise nobody would ever travel and nothing would ever get done.

Saturday is our first marching band competition of the season. It's the first time since the accident that I'll be on a bus. I know nothing bad is going to happen. But it's going to be hard sitting in that bus and NOT thinking about what those seats and overhead compartments could do to me - what they did do to me during my last bus ride.

I know that I'll be okay. I didn't really even want to be in cars after the accident, but I got over that. I had appointments almost daily, half an hour away from where I was living, sometimes over snowy/icy roads. To make things even more difficult, I couldn't drive for four months after the accident, so I had to re-learn to trust other drivers. I still like driving more than I like being a passenger (and I'll probably be like that for the rest of my life thanks to the accident), but I know that after enough time on a bus, I'll get used to it. I might not be comfortable with it, but I'll be okay.

In any case, I'll probably need some extra hugs this week. Getting on that bus is probably going to be one of the hardest things I'll ever do, but I know I'll be a stronger person because of it.

9.21.2006



it's heavy on my mind



Today Raji and I met with one of the professors in the music department, since we're going to be doing a project for him. We ended up talking about the accident for half an hour or so. As it turns out, this professor was coming home from a gig that night and happened to be right behind our bus. He was on the scene shortly after some of the emergency responders showed up, and he was wandering around looking for a way to help. He saw me, but I don't think he reconized me at the time. I could go on and on talking about what he saw, but this blog probably isn't the place for it. It's amazing how long you can put something out of your mind, and then with one short conversation, it all comes rushing back.

Along those same lines, in just over a week I will have to get on a bus again as I go with the band to their first competition. It's something I haven't thought about much, but I can tell you I'm not looking forward to it and it's going to be an extremely difficult day for me.

Anyway, school = same old. I missed my percussion lesson yesterday because if I was really sore. I don't even know what I'm going to do in lessons this semester. I was working on a really cool marimba piece, but it involves a lot of moving around, so it'll probably be a few weeks before I can work on it again.

My knee has been really sore/achy all week. I think it's because I've been getting out and doing things. The weather doesn't help, either. My athletic trainer told me my knee is starting to absorb the bruising in my knee, so I feel it more now, or something like that. Speaking of my athletic trainer, he measured my extension at two degrees (so that means I'm two degrees from having my leg straight). That's two more degrees since last week. Cool.

9.19.2006



tired babbling



I went back to class yesterday. I had one class and then my mom took me grocery shopping, and then I had enough time to take a quick nap and shower before going to percussion ensemble rehearsal. It doesn't sound like much but I'm really tired today. Today I had one class in the morning, then my mom took me to breakfast, and we went to pick up my prescription for more percocet. It was really annoying - there was some miscommunication between the nurse and me as to where the prescription would be, so it took an hour or so to finally get the pills. Luckily I didn't need them right away. When I got home, I was able to take a long nap, and then showered and went to drumline rehearsal at Chi-Hi. Despite my nap today I'm completely exhausted now. Unfortunately I have to study for a test in my counterpoint class tomorrow.

I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. I think I need to take it easy for the next few days. I probably didn't take enough time off from classes. My doctor said I would need up to two weeks off, and I only took six days. I thought it wouldn't be so bad because I'm only doing classes part-time. Oh well, it'll get easier. Right now I'm just worried about my counterpoint test. I think I'll do fine because music theory is my best subject, but I'll be tired and on painkillers and more likely to make stupid mistakes.

I've been feeling better every day, but not so much today. For some reason I was in a lot of pain this morning, but I went to class anyway. I think today was different because until now, I've naturally been waking up early, then I take a painkiller and go back to sleep for a bit. I didn't do that today - I just woke up before class and then took a painkiller, so it didn't have time to take effect before I was up and moving around. It's hard to manage pain once it gets out of control, but I was feeling better a few hours later. It helps that my mom took me to Norske Nook (at Northwoods) for breakfast. Anyway, this sort of pain is nothing like what I was feeling in those few months after the accident, but it's still no fun.

That's it for now. Wish me luck on my test :)



tired babbling



I went back to class yesterday. I had one class and then went grocery shopping, and then I had enough time to take a quick nap and shower before going to percussion ensemble rehearsal. It doesn't sound like much but I'm really tired today. Today I had one class in the morning, then my mom took me to breakfast, and we went to pick up my prescription for more percocet. It was really annoying - there was some miscommunication between the nurse and me as to where the prescription would be, so it took an hour or so to finally get the pills. Luckily I didn't need them right away. When I got home, I was able to take a long nap, and then showered and went to drumline rehearsal at Chi-Hi. Despite my nap today I'm completely exhausted now. Unfortunately I have to study for a test in my counterpoint class tomorrow.

I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. I think I need to take it easy for the next few days. I probably didn't take enough time off from classes. My doctor said I would need up to two weeks off, and I only took six days. I thought it wouldn't be so bad because I'm only doing classes part-time. Oh well, it'll get easier. Right now I'm just worried about my counterpoint test. I think I'll do fine because music theory is my best subject, but I'll be tired and on painkillers and more likely to make stupid mistakes.

I've been feeling better every day, but not so much today. For some reason I was in a lot of pain this morning, but I went to class anyway. I think today was different because until now, I've naturally been waking up early, then I take a painkiller and go back to sleep for a bit. I didn't do that today - I just woke up before class and then took a painkiller, so it didn't have time to take effect before I was up and moving around. It's hard to manage pain once it gets out of control, but I was feeling better a few hours later. It helps that my mom took me to Norske Nook (at Northwoods) for breakfast. Anyway, this sort of pain is nothing like what I was feeling in those few months after the accident, but it's still no fun.

That's it for now. Wish me luck on my test :)

9.18.2006




I took this picture at the Stonesthrow last week. It would have been better if there were people in the picture, but then they would have been blurry because it was kind of a long shutter speed. It looks a little out-of-focus, but the original isn't. Anyway, I just like the colors in it.

9.14.2006



ACL surgery isn't so bad.



Okay, I shouldn't say that - ACL surgery sucks bigtime, but not as much as some of the other surgeries I've had. I'm just talking about post-operative pain, though. The recovery from this surgery will be longer than the last few I've had. From what I'd heard from some people (including my surgeon's nurse), I thought the pain from this surgery was going to be absolutely horrible. I think it helps that I received donor tissue, so instead of my knee trying to recover from the harvest site AND from the graft, I'm just recovering from the graft. Anyway, I'm doing pretty well so far. I had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon this morning to have my bandages removed and check my range of motion. My knee is swollen, but not as bad as it was after my meniscus surgery.

After my doctor's appointment, I went to physical therapy. I met with a therapist I haven't seen before. She measured my knee at 92 degrees (bent) and 4 degrees (straight - basically that means I'm 4 degrees from having my leg totally straight). I'm really proud of myself, because I'm remembering back to the recovery from all my other surgeries, and how much trouble I had with knee stiffness in the first four or five months following the accident. With the help of my dad, I used to do physical therapy exercises for 90 mins or more every day, and would gain only a degree or so of motion every week. My body tends to make scar tissue quickly, so I had to work hard to regain motion before my knee became permanently stiff. I had to break up a lot of scar tissue, which is not pleasant. Anyway, I wasn't very impressed by the physical therapist I saw today. Since she didn't work with me earlier on, she didn't see first-hand how hard of a time I had and how hard I worked. So basically I was subjected to lots of lectures today about the need to get my knee straight. Thanks, I know. I was hoping she'd be more encouraging. I think I'm doing really well so far.

My allergies have been giving me trouble lately. It sucks because my allergies make me sleepy, and I'm on painkillers, so I've been asleep more than I've been awake these past couple days.

I'm pretty sick of the painkillers. They make me feel nauseated. I used to have that problem with Vicodin but not so much with Percocet, but now apparently I can't even handle the Percocet. Luckily I got a prescription for some anti-nausea meds, so hopefully that will help.

I've noticed that after you have more than a few surgeries, people don't visit much anymore :( I'm still in pain (and bored), and it would cheer me up to see people!

9.12.2006



surgery #7



surgery went fine

i'm sore.

9.10.2006



9/11



I hope you like the new look - it's definitely more "me."

Anyway, it's September 11th - 5 years later (ignore what the date on my post says - for some reason I'm on Pacific time). The dates 9/11 and 10/16 will always be etched in my life - 9/11 just because I was an American who lived through that day. To mark the occasion, here is an article from the satirical newspaper The Onion.

Also, here are some Ani Difranco lyrics. She tends to ramble, but I think her song "Self-Evident" is powerful anyway.

"us people are just poems
we're 90% metaphor
with a leanness of meaning
approaching hyper-distillation
and once upon a time
we were moonshine
rushing down the throat of a giraffe
yes, rushing down the long hallway
despite what the p.a. announcement says
yes, rushing down the long stairs
with the whiskey of eternity
fermented and distilled
to eighteen minutes
burning down our throats
down the hall
down the stairs
in a building so tall
that it will always be there
yes, it's part of a pair
there on the bow of noah's ark
the most prestigious couple
just kickin back parked
against a perfectly blue sky
on a morning beatific
in its indian summer breeze
on the day that america
fell to its knees
after strutting around for a century
without saying thank you
or please

and the shock was subsonic
and the smoke was deafening
between the setup and the punch line
cuz we were all on time for work that day
we all boarded that plane for to fly
and then while the fires were raging
we all climbed up on the windowsill
and then we all held hands
and jumped into the sky

and every borough looked up when it heard the first blast
and then every dumb action movie was summarily surpassed
and the exodus uptown by foot and motorcar
looked more like war than anything i've seen so far
so far
so far
so fierce and ingenious
a poetic specter so far gone
that every jackass newscaster was struck dumb and stumbling
over 'oh my god' and 'this is unbelievable' and on and on
and i'll tell you what, while we're at it
you can keep the pentagon
keep the propaganda
keep each and every tv
that's been trying to convince me
to participate
in some prep school punk's plan to perpetuate retribution
perpetuate retribution
even as the blue toxic smoke of our lesson in retribution
is still hanging in the air
and there's ash on our shoes
and there's ash in our hair
and there's a fine silt on every mantle
from hell's kitchen to brooklyn
and the streets are full of stories
sudden twists and near misses
and soon every open bar is crammed to the rafters
with tales of narrowly averted disasters
and the whiskey is flowin
like never before
as all over the country
folks just shake their heads
and pour

so here's a toast to all the folks who live in palestine
afghanistan
iraq

el salvador

here's a toast to the folks living on the pine ridge reservation
under the stone cold gaze of mt. rushmore

here's a toast to all those nurses and doctors
who daily provide women with a choice
who stand down a threat the size of oklahoma city
just to listen to a young woman's voice

here's a toast to all the folks on death row right now
awaiting the executioner's guillotine
who are shackled there with dread and can only escape into their heads
to find peace in the form of a dream

cuz take away our playstations
and we are a third world nation
under the thumb of some blue blood royal son
who stole the oval office and that phony election
i mean
it don't take a weatherman
to look around and see the weather
jeb said he'd deliver florida, folks
and boy did he ever

and we hold these truths to be self evident:
#1 george w. bush is not president
#2 america is not a true democracy
#3 the media is not fooling me
cuz i am a poem heeding hyper-distillation
i've got no room for a lie so verbose
i'm looking out over my whole human family
and i'm raising my glass in a toast

here's to our last drink of fossil fuels
let us vow to get off of this sauce
shoo away the swarms of commuter planes
and find that train ticket we lost
cuz once upon a time the line followed the river
and peeked into all the backyards
and the laundry was waving
the graffiti was teasing us
from brick walls and bridges
we were rolling over ridges
through valleys
under stars
i dream of touring like duke ellington
in my own railroad car
i dream of waiting on the tall blonde wooden benches
in a grand station aglow with grace
and then standing out on the platform
and feeling the air on my face

give back the night its distant whistle
give the darkness back its soul
give the big oil companies the finger finally
and relearn how to rock-n-roll
yes, the lessons are all around us and a change is waiting there
so it's time to pick through the rubble, clean the streets
and clear the air
get our government to pull its big dick out of the sand
of someone else's desert
put it back in its pants
and quit the hypocritical chants of
freedom forever

cuz when one lone phone rang
in two thousand and one
at ten after nine
on nine one one
which is the number we all called
when that lone phone rang right off the wall
right off our desk and down the long hall
down the long stairs
in a building so tall
that the whole world turned
just to watch it fall



and while we're at it
remember the first time around?
the bomb?
the ryder truck?
the parking garage?
the princess that didn't even feel the pea?
remember joking around in our apartment on avenue D?

can you imagine how many paper coffee cups would have to change their design
following a fantastical reversal of the new york skyline?!

it was a joke, of course
it was a joke
at the time
and that was just a few years ago
so let the record show
that the FBI was all over that case
that the plot was obvious and in everybody's face
and scoping that scene
religiously
the CIA
or is it KGB?
committing countless crimes against humanity
with this kind of eventuality
as its excuse
for abuse after expensive abuse
and it didn't have a clue
look, another window to see through
way up here
on the 104th floor
look
another key
another door
10% literal
90% metaphor
3000 some poems disguised as people
on an almost too perfect day
should be more than pawns
in some asshole's passion play
so now it's your job
and it's my job
to make it that way
to make sure they didn't die in vain
sshhhhhh....
baby listen
hear the train?"

9.09.2006

psst... hey.. I updated my website again. Check it out if you want.

9.06.2006



my name is amy and i am a super-duper senior



Does anyone happen to have a list of the rules G used to teach in AP music theory at Chi-Hi? I'm taking Baroque Counterpoint this semester (which involves part-writing) and, oops, I forgot the rules. And they don't really teach them in college. So... if anyone has those, could you email them to me? :)

Other than that, I don't have a whole lot to write about - just trying to get back into the swing of things. It's weird for me because I'm only taking classes part-time again this semester, and I'm getting ready to have another surgery. I realized that I haven't had a "normal" semester since the accident, and I probably won't for the rest of my time at UWEC. I feel like everything I was used to was ripped away from me, and it just hasn't been the same since. I guess that just proves you shouldn't take anything for granted. It could completely change unexpectedly. As far as the music department goes, I think I'm "out of the loop" now - not socially, but I think I'm missing out on opportunities that I would have gotten otherwise. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but that's okay. I just feel so disoriented because I'm older than almost everyone else in the department, and everyone else was gearing up for school, but I'm gearing up for my next surgery. Everyone else is thinking about class schedules and upcoming recitals, and I'm thinking about how long I'm going to be on crutches.

Anyway, surgery #7. Tuesday. Fun times.

9.05.2006



first day of school



I should be starting grad school today. Instead, I'm starting my sixth year as an undergrad. I know I'm lucky that I'm only a year behind, and that I can still go to grad school eventually. And I have a good reason, so I shouldn't feel completely lame for not having a degree. But it's frustrating anyway.

9.02.2006



photos



I love living so close to the bike trail. Ali and I went on a short walk yesterday and I took some pictures - I'll have to go back and do it again when the leaves start changing color. I don't have Photoshop on my computer right now, so the photos are a little dark and have too much cyan.

We passed a pile of snow. You know you're in Wisconsin when you see snow in early September.... Actually, it was just a bunch of ice behind the ice arena.


This is by my house. The sign lights up at night and looks like Vegas. It kind of freaks me out.


Behold, the bike trail.






8.31.2006



hey fellow music geeks



Finale or Sibelius?

8.28.2006



bum knee



Today I was at the gym, using the leg press (as recommended by my athletic trainer), and my knee started feeling weird. I rested for a bit, then tried it again, and then I got sharp pains in my knee and it locked. I was able to get the platform back on the dock thing, but it took a few seconds before I could bend my knee again. That's the first time anything like that has happened. I should probably try to get a hold of my knee doc tomorrow to let him know about it.

I'm thinking I should get back into physical therapy, too. My doctor told me I don't need PT anymore as long as I can do everything on my own. But lately my workouts have been frustrating. I'm so weak, and I'm beginning to realize how long it's going to take to make a full recovery (not to mention the giant set-back I'm going to experience after ACL reconstruction). It might be nice to see my athletic trainer again so he can help me stay positive... and so I can have someone supervise me while trying the leg press again.

It seems like it's just been a bad week for my knee. It's been bothering me because I was on my feet a lot last week, and then I went on a few short bike rides, which made it hurt more. But "no pain, no gain", right? (As long as it doesn't involve my knee locking, anyway.)

I feel like I'm in kind of a funk lately. Maybe it's because another marching season is underway, I don't know. It seems like everyone else who was on that bus feels the same way. Or maybe not, I don't know, that's just what I sensed.

Enjoy the last bit of summer, everyone... :(

8.25.2006



this one time, at band camp



This week Chi-Hi had their band camp, so I've been spending a lot of time there. It has been mentally, physically (and sometimes emotionally) draining. I think camp went well though. We reached all our goals for the band, and the students were able to keep a positive attitude throughout. I'm feeling a lot more confident now about this season. Wednesday night we had a sleep-over at the school. It was like a whole band slumber party. It was pretty fun - there were movies, snacks, etc.

Monday night I finally finished writing all the music for my section. It still hasn't really hit me that I'm done - I've been too busy to enjoy any free time. I think my students like the music, which is good because I spent a lot of time on it!

I think I can speak for everyone on staff when I say that G and Branden weren't far from our minds this week. We've all had to step up and take on more responsibilities this year. I miss having G around to take charge (though Collicott is doing a great job), and I miss joking around with Branden. After Tuesday's rehearsal a few of us stopped at Harmony Courtyard to look at the murals on the wall and share some memories.

Camp went well, but I'm glad it's over. I've been in a lot of pain the past few days. I tried to sit down as much as possible at rehearsals, but I ended up having to walk around a lot, and I didn't really get any chances to rest & elevate my leg. As a result, everything is swollen & aching, especially my knee and the joint where I dislocated my foot. I've discovered that painkillers work okay for post-op pain, but they don't do much for bad aches. I've been told that I don't do a very good job of letting people know when I'm in pain. That's probably true, but I feel like people don't listen to me when I do mention that I'm sore. And I don't want to complain about it. I think people were comparing me to Collicott, who was on his feet a lot. If he can do it, then I can too, right? Well, most of my injuries were to my leg, while his were throughout his body. And I think he was probably pushing himself a little too hard - I know he was in a lot of pain too. Anyway, now I have time to rest for a few days, so that should help.

This week I got sick of my knee giving out all the time, so I finally called my knee doctor to arrange a time for my ACL surgery. I decided on mid-September. I'm going to have to work hard to build up some more strength before the surgery. I wish I didn't have to do it so soon before all the marching band competitions, but mid-September just turned out to be the best time for it (and by "best time", I mean "least bad time"). This way at least I don't have to worry about getting behind in classwork later in the semester when it would be harder to catch up. The deciding factor for me was that I'm going to take a very light class load this semester. It makes more sense to have the surgery early in the semester and spend the rest of the time recovering so that I'll be as strong as possible before going back to school full-time in the spring. Also, I really just want to get my knee fixed and finally get a chance to recover as much as possible.

Lately I feel like my recovery has hit a plateau. Summer is almost over, and I still can't do all the things I couldn't do when summer started. My ankle/knee/leg hasn't been feeling any better. Maybe my progress is just so slow now that I don't notice small differences. I think that at this point in my recovery, building my strength & endurance is the only thing that is going to make any difference (besides getting my ACL fixed), and that's a slow process. As far as the pain goes, I'm hoping it will start to fade eventually.

8.16.2006



this is what is new with me



As I mentioned in my last post, I just got home from a weekend in Illinois. It was fun but a LOT of driving. All the tollbooths we encountered were under construction. I got to learn the joys of driving a manual in a stop-and-go traffic jam that lasted almost an hour. Fun times.

Everything else about the trip was fun, though. We got down there just in time for my family's BBQ on Saturday. I was a little disappointed that there were only about six entries in the contest this year, but there was still plenty of food, and it was all really good. I voted for my dad's yummy cuban pork, but ultimately it was my uncle's pesto-and-asparagus-stuffed flank steak that won.

It was really nice to see my family again. I think we all decided that we've had our share of bad luck in the past year or so. I got hurt in the accident, My grandma has been sick (though she seems to be doing a little better now), one of my aunts broke her neck, one of my uncles had surgery on his stomach or something, and most recently, one of my uncles had a stroke (but he'll be okay). Hopefully we're due for some better luck now.

After everyone stuffed their faces with BBQ, we set up Raji's drumset and a bunch of guitars and had a jam session. I played a while on my Rhodes piano, which made me happy because I miss it. It's been hanging out in IL because it's such a hassle to move it anywhere. My aunt & uncle are hosting an exchange student from Chile, who played guitar with us too. He's good, and it's always cool when music can bridge a cultural gap.

Sunday's to-do list included Portillo's Italian beef sandwiches for lunch and some Chicago pizza for dinner. We did other stuff too but it was secondary to food. It's probably a good thing I don't live down there - I would gain a lot of weight!

We got up early Monday morning to get back in time for rehearsal at Chi-Hi. Rehearsals have been going pretty well, although I'm finding I have no patience for some of the attitudes I've encountered. Maybe I'm just getting old. Anyway, Ryan and I wrote up some stuff for the kids to play during the intro of the drum feature. That one was a challenge for me because the wind parts didn't lend themselves easily to mallet parts, but I fixed that problem by having the kids play other instruments instead. I have to write out music for the closer over the weekend. I don't think I'll have too much trouble with that one, since Andrei let me borrow the score for the concert band arrangement. Also, about a decade ago that same piece was part of Chi-Hi's marching show. Ryan, Sazama and I dug out G's arrangement of the music, and after looking through it, I have a better idea of what to do.

Speaking of G, I went down to Harmony Courtyard a few days ago with Ryan and Sazama on our way to lunch. The courtyard used to be an abandoned lot between two buildings on Bridge Street (which is the main drag downtown). Now it's been turned into a nice little park, flanked by new murals depicting some of the town's history. A large portion of one of the murals (the wall area most visible from the street) is dedicated to the marching band. It was compiled from a few different photos - the main one is of G walking in front of the band before one of the competitions a couple years ago. All the other people who were killed in the accident are on there, too. It's kind of weird to see the band on the murals that otherwise depict the town's history. It reminded me how much of an impact the accident had on the community. It has already become part of the town's history, and not just because it was painted on some wall.

8.15.2006



short and sweet



Today I got home from a great weekend in Illinois. I realized I haven't done a substantial update in a while. I'll do that soon. :)

8.06.2006



updation



So... I was three or four paragraphs into a new blog entry and then a fuse died here at Raji's house. Sigh...

I went to see my knee surgeon last week, and we talked about my upcoming ACL surgery. We decided fall semester would be a good time to do it. So now I'm trying to decide between early September or mid-November. Neither time is very convenient, but I can't really help that. September is busy due to marching band stuff, and I don't want to miss classes at the beginning of the semester, because it could make me get off to a bad start. November is bad because I'll miss a few days of class earlier in the month because I'm going to a convention, so I don't want to miss more school. And it might be stressful to have a surgery that late in the semester. My surgeon told me I'll be on crutches for about four weeks, and I'll probably have to miss at least a week of school. Any advice is welcome...

My surgeon talked to me a bit about the procedure. He's going to use donor material to reconstruct my ACL. It's common for surgeons to make a graft from the patient's patellar tendon, but I guess my tendon isn't in very good shape anymore, so I don't have enough to spare. He could use the tendon from my other knee, but he said he doesn't see the point in potentially damaging a knee that's otherwise fine. The donor material should work just fine though. My surgeon told me that, as a result of the accident, I'll end up having arthritis in my knee at a relatively young age. I knew that already, but it was pretty sobering to hear that coming from him.

I think I've sort of reached another milestone - I'm done with physical therapy (until after my ACL surgery). Everything I was doing at PT, I already do on my own. I've been spending more time at the gym lately. It's nice to be able to work out at home, but I'm at the point where I need to work on building strength - something that's easier to do at the gym. My knee surgeon said he's proud of me for how far I've come in my recovery. He was surprised at how much motion I've already regained in my knee.

In other news, today I finished writing mallet parts for the first two pieces of Chi-Hi's marching show. I've spent countless hours on it so far. It takes me forever to write music, especially when I'm writing six individual parts. Tomorrow is the first August rehearsal, and I'm hoping my whole section shows up so I can actually hear what the music sounds like.

7.30.2006



by the way, pt. II



Some of Stenner's stuff made it onto this site! That's my piano stuff, the antler lamp belongs to Dan & Tenley, and the fish table belongs to my parents. Yay!

Oh, Stenner made me a new record lamp, and you should come over and see it. It's awesome.

7.29.2006



by the way



My site hasn't been working for a while (due to some server issues Raji was having), but now it's back up and running. :)

7.25.2006



weighing my options



I've been talking with my mom about when to have my ACL surgery. I think she would like me to take part-time classes for the next couple semesters so I can have the surgery done in the fall (and not have a full load of classes while I'm recovering). I guess that would be good because it would make next semester a little less stressful. It will already be stressful and busy with Chi-Hi marching band stuff, and I'll be applying for grad schools, and taking 16 or 17 credits (which, for a music major, is like eleventy billion classes). If I cut the class load in half, that would be a lot better. I would have to worry about insurance and student loans and stuff, but I might be able to sort that out.

Today I heard that the trial got pushed back because we're still waiting on the NTSB review. Instead of being in December, the trial will be in March or sometime after that. I guess that's okay, since I don't have to worry about the trial falling during finals week. I hope it doesn't get pushed back too far though - I think the DA said it could be delayed by up to two years. I wish we could just get the trial behind us, but if the DA wants more time in order to understand the case better, then it's probably better to wait.

Warning: boring music theory stuff
I've come up with some ideas for the mallet parts for the second piece in Chi-Hi's marching show. I've been listening to the original recording (thanks Erik) so I can get a better feel for the music. It's in a different key than the score our band is using, which is a pain in the ass, but expected. I spent a short time in the practice rooms before they closed today and scribbled my ideas on paper. I got home and was ready to write the parts, and realized that the bass note of the marimba part, when transposed, is too low (by two keys) for the range of Chi-Hi's marimba. I can take it up an octave, but I really wanted a full bass sound from the marimba. I can use a different chord voicing, but it won't sound as good. I'm kind of stumped at the moment and I'm not going to write any parts out until I can get back to the marimba and try some other things out. I could write out some parts for the other instruments, but I was kind of going to base them all on the marimba part, so I might end up changing the other parts too. Basically I'm going to wait until tomorrow before I put much work into it, because I have a feeling I'd just end up re-writing everything.

7.23.2006



uphill battle



I went to see my ankle doctor on Wednesday, and now my stitches are FINALLY out. Unless my ankle starts bothering me again, I won't have to go back to that doctor anymore. That's a big step, considering he's the doctor that dealt with my foot, ankle, fibula, and femur - and did five of my surgeries. I have a feeling I'll be back to see him at some point, but for now this is progress.

Now I just have to get my ACL fixed. I made an appointment with my knee doctor, but the earliest he could see me is in the first week of August. I was planning on having that surgery done this summer yet, but reality has started to set in. The earliest I could probably get in to have surgery would be the second or third week of August. My athletic trainer told me I'd probably be on crutches for about four weeks after the surgery. Not only is August a busy month with marching band, but I'm scheduled to take photos at someone's wedding in early September and I can't be on crutches for that. And I don't want to start yet another semester of school while still recovering from surgery. As I see it, I have a few options: I could have the surgery done in August anyway, but for the reasons I just pointed out, that probably wouldn't be the best choice. As much as I just want to be done with surgeries and fully start my recovery, I don't think I can do it in August. Another option is to wait until January or sometime after that. I'll graduate in December, so I'll have plenty of time to rest and recover from surgery. The downside is that I wouldn't be able to work full-time for a while afterwards, so I would be poor and uninsured (my surgery will be covered, but I don't want to go without insurance). My other option is to take classes part time over the next two semesters, and delay my graduation YET AGAIN. If I'm only taking classes part-time, I could have surgery whenever, and still deal with my small class load. But then there's the insurance problem again. Basically there is no good option, and I'm sick of my life being fucked up from the accident. I just want to move on, and do normal things again, like go snowboarding. Or go on a vacation. Since October, my (short-term) future has constantly been up in the air because I'm never sure when my next surgery will be. I wish I could close this chapter of my life.

Anyway, rant over. In good news, enough time has passed since my last surgery that I can start going to the gym again. Before the accident I went to the gym regularly, and I was always trying to strengthen this or that. I was happy with myself, but that didn't stop me from trying to improve my overall health. Now I realize how much I took it for granted. I am so weak now that I can barely do anything. But I know that I shouldn't take my current strength for granted, either. I'm so much better than I was back in November or December. And I still notice an improvement from week to week.

A lot of people have been asking me lately about the long-term effects I'll have from my injuries. I really don't know. That's something my doctors don't talk about. It's interesting that people who have a small amount of medical knowledge are quick to tell you what they think your long-term effects will be. However, people who've had a lot of medical training refrain from saying anything about patients' futures. I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see what happens.

I don't know if I've mentioned it on here, but I'm working on writing music for the students I teach in marching band. It hasn't been going very well so far. It takes me a long time to write music. Especially when I have a lot of stuff on my mind, which as you can probably tell, I do now. I'll get the music finished soon enough.

I realized that my blog posts tend to be kind of negative sometimes, but that's because this is my outlet. If I write it all down on here and get my complaining out of the way, then it's not on my mind quite as much. At least that's what I like to believe. Anyway, I write this blog mostly for accident-related reasons, so it's bound to be negative. There aren't many positive things I can say about what happened.