oh, ankle.

oh, ankle.

I haven't written for a few days, so I have stuff to write about now. But I'm too tired to spend a lot of time on this, so I'll keep it short.

Saturday I spent the whole day resting. I was really tired from a busy week, and my ankle was bothering me, so I mostly stayed in bed (except when I was exercising).

Sunday was more of the same, and then Raji and I went to visit Jessie. She just moved back to EC on Friday. It was so great to finally see her! I can't believe she's already home. She showed us x-rays and photos of her pelvis and ribs. It's amazing that she lived through the accident. She's such an inspiration to me. She continually pushes her limits and is recovering very quickly. I know she's still in a lot of pain, but I think being back in EC will be good for her morale.

Today I was supposed to go to three classes, but I woke up early this morning and was in a lot of pain. I thought my ankle was infected, so I took lots of painkillers and stayed in bed all day except to go to the doctor. It hurt even just to get up and move around the house. Luckily it doesn't seem to be infected, but my doctor is getting so frustrated with my skin. Apparently I just heal weird. He said he's never seen anything like it. He called one of the other doctors over to look at it, because apparently I am a medical oddity. I don't really understand what is weird about it - all I know is that it used to be this neat little incision and now it's a blob of icky, oozy stuff. My doctor gave me a prescription for antibiotics (just in case) and said he wants me to see him weekly until it heals up. I'm getting so sick of my ankle. It's been oozing/bleeding since my first ankle surgery on November 1st. Now that my doctor fixed it up, it should heal, but it's just going to take a long time. So what if it still doesn't heal? My doctor said that, in the worst-case scenario, my body might be reacting to the metal in my body, and it would have to be taken out. I really hope that isn't the case, because that would be yet another surgery to recover from, and that metal was going to just stay there for life. If my ankle has to be cut open again, my doctor said I would likely need plastic surgery on it. I don't understand exactly, but I think I would need a skin graft because I don't really have any more extra skin to play with around my ankle.

Anyway, I should go to bed. I really hope that my ankle feels better tomorrow, because I don't want to miss my classes. So far this semester I have missed as many classes as I've attended. Some people are like that anyway, but I'm one of those people who normally doesn't skip very often. :)

Goodnight.

survey!

survey!

I love surveys, and this one's cool because it's a little different, so I thought I'd fill it out. :)

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? Since this is a hypothetical question, I'll ignore my morals. I can only think of one person I hate, so it would probably be her.

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be? Creed. But I think they broke up, so I don't really have to worry about them anymore.

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? See #1.

4. What is your favorite cheese? It's not really fair to ask a WI girl this question. I think I like all the cheese I've ever tasted, except ricotta.

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What does your dream-sandwich consist of, and does it contain the aforementioned cheese? It would probably be fresh mozzarella, roasted bell peppers, basil, and olive oil on crusty Italian bread.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie-celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once (they will never call you back). Who is it? I don't really get in to celebrity worship.

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Same rules as above. Who is it? See #6.


8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it? (saving, investing and depositing do not count). I would probably throw a party, or take some friends out to dinner.

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Japan or South Africa, because those are both places I want to go but I'd never be able to afford airfare.

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, where are you gonna go to spend that? Souvenir shops, I guess

11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. "Be brand-specific" it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don't drink booze there's something you can figure out... so what's it gonna be? If it's all free, then I'd go with something that's out of my usual price range, like Godiva or Midori. Actually, maybe I'd go with a nice vodka, since it would go well with everything.

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there? You'd probably expect me to say I'd go back to life before the accident, but I don't think I'd want to go anywhere. Life has to move forward.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? I'd try and enforce development plans that are as eco-friendly as possible

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise? Anything that isn't a reality TV show. I'd probably ask Raji to come up with something funny.

15. What is your favorite expletive? They all have their uses

16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do? I'd probably just let the cats deal with it and go back to sleep. Actually, I probably wouldn't even bother turning on the light to investigate the noise - my cats are usually the source of all the bumps in the night.

17. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the one thing you're going to save from that blazing inferno? I hate questions like this. I guess it would be my Rhodes, except I wouldn't be able to carry that myself, so I'd take my djembe.

18. The Angel Of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel Of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour? This is a stupid question too. :P

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be? I'd be able to grow my nails really fast, like Meg in that Family Guy episode.

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? Like I said before, I don't have the desire to live in the past. I have memories of so many good times, and that's all I need. :)

21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? (the answer "nothing" doesn't count) Well, as much as I don't want to live in the past, I think it would be silly of me if I didn't say I wish the accident had never happened. But it did, and nothing will change that, so it doesn't make sense to think about it like that.

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin'! What country are you going to live in now? Hmmm... I don't think I've been to enough countries to give a good answer to this question. Other than the US, I've been to the Bahamas, Mexico, and England. Of those three, I would definitely pick England.

23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be? All I need is the GI.

24. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude check it out I can fucking FLOAT!" Haha, probably Raji's.

25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier have given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which late celebrity will you bring back to life? Elvis. haha

26. What's your theme song? I don't know, I think Raji needs to write one for me. Rani has one (the mastadon song), and Andrei has one, but I don't!

rant

rant

Today is a bad pain day, so I apologize for what will probably be a crabby post. My ankle hurts so much. I'm trying to not take very many painkillers, but I'm barely keeping the pain under control. I feel like a wimp for complaining so much about last week's tiny ankle surgery. It's really annoying, though - I have so many stitches in my ankle that it feels like it's ripping open every time I take a step. Unfortunately, stitches do not flex like skin does.

People, please stop asking me about my future. I don't know when I'm moving back home, and I don't know when I'm graduating, or when/where I'm going to grad school. I am just trying to get through today. It's depressing to think about things I can't do yet. My body hasn't provided me with a timeline for my recovery, so I have no idea when I'll be "better".

I talked to C on the phone today and it sounds like he's really making some good progress. He's using a cane now! It makes me feel so good to see him and Jessie and the others getting better, but I can't help but feel like they're progressing and I'm not. Brian and I had a lot of the same leg injuries, so we check in with eachother from time to time to compare progress. He's always had better knee motion than me, but now he's also able to walk with a cane instead of crutches. I guess I probably had more injuries in my leg than he did. I just feel like I'm working so hard and I'm not getting anywhere. But I bet Brian feels the same way when he sees my progress. He had so many upper-body injuries, and it will take a long time yet before he's able to do some of the things I'm able to do.

Today my human nutrition class met for the first time. It's in a crowded room that's typical of the science building - a normal-sized room with like a hundred seats crammed in. I got there a couple minutes late and of course almost every seat in the room was taken. The prof (who seems very nice, by the way) asked if anyone would be willing to give me an aisle seat. After enough time passed that it became uncomfortable, and I think I heard a cricket chirp, finally a girl toward the back of the room offered me her seat. What the fuck is wrong with people??? Why was that so hard? I thought the midwest was supposed to be a nice place to live, where everyone wants to help eachother out. I thought college students were supposed to be endlessly promoting one cause or another, to show how much they care about stuff. But in practice, people do not give a fuck. Is it really so hard to move to a different seat?

Trying to get around campus on crutches is so frustrating. Sometimes I just want to give up. Most of the doors in the buildings don't have the handicap button that makes them open. The elevator in the fine arts building, which is already known for its quirkiness, has learned a new trick: it stays on the second floor with its doors open, and then it won't come down to the first floor when you push the call button. I mentioned it to Crawford, so he said he would talk to the elevator fixer people about it. Someone should just take that elevator out back and shoot it.

I had my audition today. It was audition-y. I was pretty out of it, so I'm glad that Dr. C knows I don't usually play that badly. I've been pretty zoned out most of the time lately. I hate having to take painkillers. Anyway, I think it's already been decided that I'll play piano and some extra percussion stuff in wind symphony, so the audition wasn't all that important.

Okay, I'm done bitching. Sorry for the crabby post.

sleepy

sleepy

This post is going to be written really badly because I'm starting to get tired fast and I have a few other things to do before I can go to bed. Without further ado, here are some random things I've been thinking about today:

Without going in to a lot of the details, I'll say that the accident had a lot to do with the stupid decisions that one person made. It scares me to think that people can get behind the wheel of a vehicle, a potential lethal weapon, when they're in no condition to be driving. Once some friends and I were having a conversation (pre-accident) about people who drive while high. I'm not a fan of pot to begin with, but it drives me insane to think that people drive around while they're high. These friends of mine have tried to convince me that people can act pretty normally if they want to after smoking pot, but I don't think it's fair to other people on the road to get behind the wheel if you are affected in any way by something that can impair your reaction time or judgement. It scares me to think about how many people are sleepy or drunk or high while driving. They don't realize that their life could change in an instant if they get hurt or someone else does, or if they end up spending the rest of their life in jail. Everyone who drives should realize there are certain risks they take just by getting behind the wheel. Every time I get into a car now I'm paranoid, and I'm always closely watching the cars around me. I'll admit that I'm not a perfect driver - nobody is. But now I wonder if I've ever made a risky lane-change or done something else that affected someone who is paranoid as a result of being in an accident. When I'm riding in my mom's car and someone cuts us off or does something stupid... Well, I wouldn't want to wish that feeling upon anyone. It's getting easier for me to ride in cars, but it still bothers me to think about how seriously people in the cars around us take the task of driving.

I had a really really long day today! I had an appointment at 7:30, then a couple classes, and I stopped in the fine arts building, and then I had an hour of physical therapy. There was a lot of down time between all that and I was finally done and home by 4 pm. I'm proud of myself for having the energy to do all that. Even last week, that sort of schedule would have been unthinkable. I had a lot of walking to do, too. I'm paying for it now because I'm really sore, but I guess that will get better with time.

As I'm starting to ease back into my school routine, I'm impressed once again at how awesome everyone in the music department is, and disappointed at how people act on the "other side of the river". Once I leave the fine arts building, I enter a world where there are no manners. Nobody holds doors open for me, and people make sure I know how impatient they are with me because I'm slow. I really have no sympathy for them.

My mom has noticed the difference between people on opposite ends of the footbridge - she said everyone in the music department is way nicer, and people actually talk to her. Everywhere I go in the fine arts building, people smile or ask me how I'm doing or give me a hug. I really don't know how I would be able to handle school without having such a supportive group of students and professors to turn to. Even people I don't know well have talked to me and told me they're glad to see I'm back. I wish I would have tried to make more friends in the music department early on. I'm kind of shy around people I don't know, and since I never lived in the dorms, I didn't get to know a lot of people. Also, I was sort of intimidated by the cliques. Now that a lot of people I don't know well are going out of their way to talk to me, I'm regretting the fact that I didn't get to know them sooner, and now I'm going to graduate soon. Oh well, I'll try to make the most of the time I have left at UWEC.

If you see my mom, say hi, she likes that.

tacet

tacet

Well, I suppose I should update. Today was the first day of class. I missed world politics because I had an appointment. My other class is "science of musical sound", which should be a really cool class. I was really uncomfortable after 50 minutes of sitting there, but that should get easier with time.

Physical therapy went really well this morning. I've been making so much progress every day. I'm glad that my hard work is finally starting to pay off. I tried using one crutch again, and it went a lot better this time. Last week I could only take a few steps, and my left foot barely left the ground - I just kind of "skidded" it. Today I was able to make a lap around the small gym. My walk bore almost no resemblance to normal walking, but it's a start.

I went to an ears/nose/throat doctor today to see if I broke my face. It's not like they could do anything for me if I did have a fracture, but it's important to get everything checked out. As it turns out, my face is not broken - I just have some bone bruising on my cheekbone and around my eye. Unfortunately, the doctor said it will probably take a year to heal :( Oh well.

I stopped in at the fine arts building today and picked up audition music for large ensembles. I still haven't really decided if I want to be in an ensemble, but I think I'd like to do it. It would be easier to not join an ensemble, but it would make me happier if I were in one. I'm going to talk to Dr. C about it and see how auditions go. I'm going to practice the excerpts tomorrow and see how well I'm physically able to play the instruments. As far as auditions go, I have a lot working against me: not only do I have to learn the parts and be able to play them well, but I have to overcome the pain and difficulty of standing and keeping my balance while playing. It's a challenge I look forward to, though. I miss playing music. This is the longest span of time in the past 19 years that I've gone without playing anything. I have a lot of free time tomorrow, so as long as my mom is willing to sit around and wait for me, maybe I'll wander over to the piano practice rooms too.

My ankle has been so sore since the surgery. There isn't a lot of spare skin around the ankle, so when my doctor cut some skin out and stitched the surrounding stuff together, it made the whole area really tense. I have stretch marks on my ankle, it's weird. Now that it's healing, the skin is pulling even more agains the stitches. I'll be so glad when I don't have to worry about this anymore.

On Saturday Raji and I went to EC for a while and bummed around Target and the mall and I got some good exercise. I'll be so glad when I'm not on crutches anymore - the tendinitis in my shoulders has flared up. We took a break and met Sean, Ben, Ben, and Jeremy for dinner at Panera. It was really fun! I miss seeing people. That's one nice thing about school starting - I won't be so lonely anymore.

While we were driving to EC, Raji had a Chuck Mangione CD playing. We used to listen to his stuff all the time when we were in high school, and I realize that probably makes us dorks. The song "Bellavia" came on and we were brought back to my junior/his senior year, when we played it in G's jazz band. We used to have so much fun in that band, and I can picture our rhythm section playing that song - me playing my Rhodes in unison with Ryan on bass, Raji playing drums, and Jim playing the sweet triangle part. "Bellavia" was a favorite of G's, and I remember a rehearsal when he yelled to Raji during the loud section to play louder (not something a drummer hears often), and you could see his passion for music as he threw his arms up and yelled "YES! JUST LIKE THAT!" and we played our hearts out. It's a beautiful song to begin with, and that memory makes it even more meaningful.

On that note (haha, I'm punny), Chi-Hi's annual Valentine's Day Big Band Bash is coming up in about two weeks. It's always been my favorite concert of the year - everyone dresses up for it and dances to music provided by the high school's three jazz bands, a band made up of community members, and an alumni "all-star" band, which I've been a member of since I graduated. I have so many good memories from years past. My sophomore year my friend Tony and I won a swing dance competition. We practiced for months ahead of time to get our aerials just right so we could show off. My senior year, the all-girl band I played bass for (Spoonful of Sugar) got to play a set. I'm playing in the alumni band this year, but it will be strange without G there to direct us. The alumni band was something he looked forward to every year. It will also be a little weird because I haven't played piano in three months, and these days I play jazz once a year, at the V-day bash. That's okay, it's fun, and that's all that matters. This year's Bash is on Saturday, 2/11 and Andrei can probably tell you what time it starts. The photo is me dancing with G, and Brian dancing with my friend Melissa. It was probably taken in '99.

don't mess with me

don't mess with me

I need to vent. I was just talking online with a friend of mine, who recently met someone roughly my age who was in a car accident and had a lot of broken bones below the waist. I don't know how long ago this person was in an accident, but now she's addicted to narcotics and evidently needs them in order to function on a normal level. My friend brought this up because of the obvious parallels in age and physical injuries. That must mean we're exactly alike, right? Since that woman needs drugs to function, obviously I will too, right? Okay, now I don't know much about addiction, but I do know that I was addicted and went through withdrawal once already. It was really hard to wean myself off the drugs, but I desperately wanted to be done with them. I don't understand why people think painkillers are "cool". They're awful. They mess your body up in so many ways. Withdrawal was really difficult to go through, and I knew that I would feel much better if I just took another pill, but I didn't want that. I'm not the type of person to give in and do the "easy" thing versus what's best for me in the long run (see: physical therapy), and it makes me so angry to think that this friend of mine is mistaking me for that type of person. I am not weak. As I told my friend, I've overcome much more difficult things already. I'm not saying that the person he met is weak - I don't know her situation - but I know that she and I are different. It sucks because I have to keep going back on the percocet, but I am following the advice of my doctors very closely. My knee surgeon was disappointed with the range of motion in my knee and said he wanted me back on the narcotics so I could work really hard. He said he'd rather have me on the drugs now and I can worry about weaning myself off them later. It's so important for me to regain motion in my knee now because I have a limited window of time before a permanent disability could form. And in case anyone is worried, I'm taking 1-2 pills a day (a little more today since I just had surgery), versus the 12 a day I was taking for a while following the accident. The person I'm talking about probably won't read this, and if he does, so be it. Maybe I'm a bad person for not telling him I'm upset, but whatever, I don't care right now. He wouldn't understand anyway.

Wow, that was a huge paragraph/rant. Anyway... I had surgery this morning and it went fine. If you're just tuning in, it was just a minor surgery to fix an old incision on my ankle that just wasn't healing. I've decided that ankle surgery hurts more than knee surgery. I feel like such a wimp because I know it was just a minor thing I had done today, but it hurts a lot. Knowing my doctor, he must have cut out a lot of scar tissue while he was at it. I wonder if he cut stuff around my metal plate, because it hurts like it did when I had that stupid thing put in. I was a little annoyed after the surgery because the nurses seemed like they were in a hurry to get me out of there. I had a different type of anesthesia - I don't really understand it, but it made me sleep like general anesthesia did, but I didn't need a breathing tube and it didn't take as long to wake up afterwards. I think the surgery will set me back a few days because I can't practice walking or do exercises like I normally would, but I elected to have the surgery done this week before school started. I figured that would make life a little easier.

What else is new... I got my school schedule sorted out. It's weird being all signed up for classes, like I'm just starting a normal semester. I'm looking forward to seeing my friends on a regular basis again. I wish I didn't have so many appointments, or I wish I had another week or two of winter break. I'm going to be pretty useless the first few weeks of school because I have so much to do and I'm going to be really tired. I have one or two appointments a day next week and probably for the week after that, too. By the way, I have an appointment to see a counselor next week. I don't really want to talk about that, but I'm mentioning it because everyone keeps asking me.

Yesterday I went out to lunch with my mom and her friends. They go out every week and I join them when I can because I like going to restaurants. I was so tired and crabby after yesterday's lunch though. That group has already seen me a few times since the accident, but yesterday they decided to bombard me with questions. It was almost more than I could handle. I don't mind answering questions, but when all of them, at the same time, are asking me a thousand questions I've answered a thousand times already, it makes me really tired. I have a blog so I can avoid situations like that, but not everyone knows about my blog, and I like it that way. I guess the downside is that sometimes I have to deal with being bombarded with questions.

Nicole stopped over to see me last night. It's really nice when people come to see me because I don't get many visitors anymore. That won't matter soon though because when I'm back at school I'll see my friends more often. Nicole and I have a class together this semester, yay!

On a side note: Charter interweb is crap and I miss the DSL that I use at home.

Sorry if this post is a little random, I blame the drugs - which I am NOT addicted to, thankyouverymuch.

addendum

addendum

After writing that last post, I tried the blugold system again and got into the class I needed. YAY! Unfortunately the lab time conflicts with wind symphony. I'll see if I can get into a different lab.

schoooooool

schoooooool

I'm kind of looking forward to school starting on Monday. But I'm not sure how it will go. I have so many appointments to try and work into my school schedule, it's ridiculous. Luckily I don't think any of my classes will be too difficult, and one of them I'm retaking from last semester. I'm nervous because I still haven't gotten in to a class I need in order to graduate. I emailed the prof and explained the situation and asked if she would let me in as an overload. I CC'd the dean of students on the email. I just sent the email tonight so now I'm waiting for a response. I'm worried about it because I emailed this same professor about this same class last semester and she sent me a crabby response about not allowing overloads. Maybe she'll make an exception for me. This class would fulfill two requirements that I have to meet before graduating, so if I can't get in to the class (which isn't offered over the summer), I'll have to take two classes in its place.

Another reason I'm worried about school starting is that I still get tired so easily. I'll have class from around 9-1 (depending on the day), and if I get into wind symphony, it'll be 9-3. That's a long day for me, especially considering I also have appointments or physical therapy pretty much every day. I guess we'll see how it goes.

I'm looking forward to school starting, but as you can probably tell, I'm also worried about it. I didn't have a very restful winter break, and this is at a time when I need rest more than anything. Now I'm throwing myself back into college life and pretending I can handle a full schedule. It's going to be hard to go from laying in bed all day to going to school all day. I don't have much of a choice, though - I need to go full time in order to stay on my parents' insurance, and this way I don't have to start paying off my student loans yet. I have a feeling it's going to be rough for a few weeks but I'll adjust to it. Luckily it's spring semester and so I'll have spring and Easter breaks, which should give me some time to breathe.

I've said it a million times, but I can't wait until I can move back to my house. I have a hard time relaxing here at my parents' house. A lot of times I just want to be left alone and I don't want to hear dogs barking all the time. I think when I first move back home, I'll probably spend a lot of time sleeping.

Today I stopped in at my work to say hi to my manager. It was really nice to see her. I'm starting to get tired of explaining all my injuries and surgeries and stuff to people though, because it dawns on them how long my recovery has taken/will take, and then they invariably point out how long it'll take. It makes me tired to think about it. I don't mind answering questions, but... I guess that's why I have this blog, because I'm not completely bombarded with questions all the time - a lot of people have been keeping up with what I'm writing, and that's good.

It's my brother's birthday tomorrow. A couple days ago he messed up his knee while skiing. He joined Raji, Tenley (his girlfriend), and me in the gimp club. It doesn't sound too bad though - he sprained it and hurt some meniscus but he won't need surgery and he only has to take a two-week break from skiing.

In physical therapy today I worked on putting more weight onto my right leg and I tried walking with one crutch again. It went slightly better this time, and I was able to lift my left foot off the ground for a split second. Learning how to walk again is pretty much the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Everything that I broke, tore, or dislocated hurts when I put weight on that leg. It would be easier if I had more muscle mass in that leg, so I've been working on that a lot at home, but it takes time. I'm hoping the bottom of my foot gets calloused soon because it feels pretty weird when I walk on it. Hey Ali - I found a good way to get rid of callouses, just don't walk for a few months!

I will end today's post with a quote that has brought me a lot of inspiration lately:
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" - Mary Anne Radmacher

progress

progress

Today I went to see my ankle doctor and got the news I was hoping for: I don't have to use my walking cast anymore!!! I don't even have to wear a brace on my ankle. I get to walk around with normal shoes on again. I've already been doing this a little in physical therapy, but now I get to do it all the time. Walking without the cast on is such a weird feeling. I didn't think it would be so hard, since I've been weight-bearing for a while already, but there's a huge difference with the cast on versus walking without it. It hurts a lot and basically I have to re-learn how to walk. The walking cast totally immobilized my ankle, so it's really stiff. If you ever want a really awesome roll-step, wear a walking cast for a while.

I got another bit of good news, too: my doctor wants me to stop using the crutches. It's going to take a while to wean myself off them though. A few days ago my physical therapist told me to try walking with only one crutch, and it was incredibly difficult. I didn't even know where to begin. I eventually was able to kind of scoot my foot a little bit. It's hard because not only does my leg hurt a lot, but it's really weak. Hopefully I'll be able to do it this week in PT.

My doctor wants to do a minor procedure on my ankle, so I'm going to have it done this week (Thursday) while I'm still on winter break. The incision from the surgery I had on 11/1 never healed well, so he's just going to cut out the icky skin and stitch the skin around it together. We discovered that my skin doesn't like dissolving stitches, which were used in that other surgery, so that's probably why it didn't heal very well. My doctor told me that I "heal funny". He learned how to do incisions from a plastic surgeon, so he's a perfectionist about creating incisions that won't leave big scars. But he said that my skin is stubborn and creates all kinds of scar tissue after every surgery. He stepped in during my knee surgery, and apparently neither of my doctors had ever seen so much scar tissue. Apparently it's not a bad problem or anything, it's just weird. Oh well.

I have an appointment set up for next week with an ears/nose/throat specialist because my face still hurts and is swollen. I wonder if I fractured something. It doesn't really make a difference if it's fractured or not, but it's good to get things like that in my medical records. Also, we need to make sure my sinuses didn't get damaged. I have to miss my first class of the semester to go to that appointment. Oh well... I have a feeling I'll be missing a lot of classes to go to appointments. That's life.

Today marks three months since the accident, and I've been thinking a lot about how far I've progressed physically. I still have a long way to go before I'm "normal" - every movement I make is still hampered in some way by what I've been through. But I'm starting to feel more like myself again. And after today's appointment, I know it won't be too much longer before I'm able to move back to EC, and drive, and do all those other things I used to take for granted.

random things

random things

I'm waiting for Raji to pick me up, so I'll waste some time by writing some random things...

At the meeting on Thursday night, I saw Jessie M. and Cassie. I'd been wondering how they were doing since I don't hear much about them. They both looked pretty good, considering what they've been through. I was really surprised at how good Cassie looked! She had so many horrible injuries, but luckily she's 11 years old and heals fast. I was expecting to see her in a wheelchair, but she was up walking around. It was crazy to read the list of all her injuries and then see her looking pretty much like your average fifth grader. What a tough girl.

I think I figured school stuff out, so I'm a little less stressed about it now. I'm going to take three classes, one of which I took and dropped last semester. I'm also going to take some music classes, so that I can have 12 credits. I still haven't decided if I want to audition for Wind Symphony - I'll probably talk to Dr. Crowell & Dr. Heidel about it.

I wish I could move home to EC. I just want my life back. I want to live at my house and do normal 23-year-old-type-things. I know there are worse problems to have, but I'm starting to go stir-crazy. Maybe I'll be happier once school starts.

If you're wondering about my last post, G wrote me that email right after my recital. After the accident, I searched through my inbox a couple times looking for it but I couldn't find it and I thought I'd accidentally deleted it. Yesterday I found it in a different folder, so I was happy. It was weird going back through my emails and seeing a bunch of stuff from G, and I also found one from Branden (looking for percussionists for something or other).

My hip has been bothering me like crazy. I can't sleep for more than a few hours at a time because it hurts. It's gotten to the point where my knee exercises make my hip hurt more than my knee. I'll have to get that checked out when I see my ankle doctor on Monday.

Tonight should be fun - Raji is taking me out to eat at our favorite restaurant (Mona's) and then we're going to his birthday party. Yay! I get to leave the house, and I get to hang out with people!

Okay bye

old email from G

old email from G

Amy,
Congratulations on your recital...you did a great job!!!!!!!!!!! I was very proud of you. It makes me feel good when I witness one of my former students show such a display of talent and love of music. Take care and see you soon.
"G"

blah

blah

Today I had an appointment with the knee doctor. He took the stitches out and told me he's disappointed because he thought I'd have more motion in my knee by now. He harped on me for a while and told me I really need to work hard. What the fuck does he think I do all day? Anyway, he wants me back on the narcotics so that I can push myself harder. He also wants me to start going to physical therapy three times a week instead of two. When my ankle incision FINALLY closes up (yeah, it's been over two months now), I'll be going to water therapy also.

After talking to the knee doc today, I found out I might have two more surgeries in my future. My ACL has to be fixed, but some hardware needs to come out of my leg first. It could all just be done in one surgery but it depends on how well everything else heals. I'm beginning to hate visits to my doctors because it puts into perspective how long it's going to be before I can have my "normal" life back. My worker's comp nurse told me she thinks it'll be a year before I'm physically back to normal.

I'm not graduating in May. I don't know when I'm going to graduate, and if you ask me anything about school, I'll probably hit you with a crutch. I have senioritis and I want to graduate and move on with my life, like everyone else my age is doing. As far as the upcoming semester goes, all I know is that I have to go to school full-time for insurance purposes. If I've learned anything from last semester it's that insurance is a good thing. This semester I'll have to juggle classes and appointments, and I need to keep using the stupid leg machine like six hours a day for the next 4-6 weeks.

Anyway, this weekend should be a nice break for me. It's Raji's birthday tomorrow. Yay, I get to leave the house!

bored

bored

Not too much to report today, just the same old stuff: aches and pains, inability to focus on anything, etc. Here are the few things that happened today:

My manager called and we talked for the first time in a while. I miss her, and I miss working. There's major stuff going down at my work right now, but I don't know if I should really talk about it here. Anyway, I still have a job whenever I'm able to start working again.

I saw the evil bitch's car. What is she still doing here? I thought she moved away.

The university sent me a loveletter about being on academic warning. Um, excuse me? Ooooo, I was mad. It was kind of funny though - they attached my transcript, which looks pretty nice if you ignore last semester. They also attached a list of tips on how to not be naughty anymore, but I noticed it didn't say anything like, "avoid being in a tragic accident". Academic warning, my ass. I called the university and got put right through to the dean of students, who said she'll sort it out. I hope this isn't one of those things that takes forever to get fixed, because I need to send transcripts to grad schools soon. Thank you, UWEC, for your continued sensitivity.

I broke the leg machine. Or it broke itself? It had a frayed wire. I got a different one, and it's definitely an upgrade over the last one. It doesn't jerk or make annoying noises, and it has more settings. I still agree with Catherine though - it needs to be decorated with some Mr. Yuk stickers.

Jessie can learn to walk again!!!!! I can't imagine having to wait for so long. Yay, I'm so happy for her.

in brief

in brief

I really really really really really miss school. And I miss playing music even more than that. My friend Catherine came over tonight, and we talked a lot about school, but I have no idea how next semester is going to go. I don't know how many classes I'll be able to take. I have to take at least 12 credits because I need insurance. I don't know when I'll be graduating or when I'm going to grad school or where I'm going after I graduate or how long I should extend my current lease.

I don't know when I'll be able to drive or when I'll move back to EC or when I'll be off crutches or when I'll be out of the walking cast. It won't be for a while. Stop asking. :)

There's lots of legal stuff that's going to start soon and it's going to be very emotional but I can't talk about it on here.

I took down the links to the accident report because the report contains addresses of the victims. The files are still on the interweb, and if you'd like to know where to find them, please send me a message.

ready, set, breakdown

ready, set, breakdown

I need some alone time. I need for life to be back to normal, and I need to spend some time by myself, figuring everything out. My parents have been great, but my mom is always home, and I wish I had more space.

I've lost my appetite again. It happens whenever I'm on painkillers, and I thought it was just because of that, but now I'm pretty much off the painkillers and I'm still having problems with food. I'm on a new anti-inflammatory pill - maybe it's because of that. Or maybe it goes deeper, I don't know. I used to love food more than pretty much anything. Now when someone sets a plate of food in front of me, they might as well give me a bowl full of celery or plain shredded wheat or something. It just doesn't interest me. I eat as much as I can anyway because I need to gain weight.

I can't believe school is starting in a couple weeks. I had planned on trying to move back into my house in EC over break. I give up on making plans like that, because it's just not going to happen for a while yet. I have no idea what I'm doing for spring semester. Is it a lofty goal for me to take on a full-time schedule? Probably. I think I'm going to try it anyway. I haven't even signed up for all of my classes yet and now they're probably all closed. I'll have to ask the dean of students to put me on the overload lists or whatever. I still have a lot of stuff to do in order to finish the classes I took incompletes in last semester. I haven't done any work over break. It's still so hard to concentrate. It doesn't help that my parents have dogs, and they're ALWAYS barking. Bark bark bark bark bark. That's the soundtrack to my typical day. I like dogs, but I'm not used to living with them, and it's just too much for me to handle right now. I keep asking my parents to put their bark collars on, and my mom always seems to get offended.

I've been thinking a lot about Wind Symphony. I really want to be in it this semester, pending audition results, but I don't know if I should. I thought I'd be "better" soon, but who knows when I'll be able to comfortably stand and play percussion. I don't want to be given a spot in the ensemble out of pity, or have the section make a lot of accomodations for me, when I don't know how long it's going to take before I can be a "normal" part of the section again. It would be tough to be in WS this semester also because of tour (buses) and because the band will be playing a piece that was commissioned as a result of the accident. Will I be ready to do that? It's not fair that the accident is potentially keeping me from doing what I love most - playing music, particularly with that band. Maybe for that reason alone I'll do it, and say a big "fuck you" to this whole situation. Besides, Sazama wants to play in that ensemble (pending audition results), and if he can do it then so can I. We could help eachother through it.

Anyway, I feel better now that I wrote all that out.

In other news, my mom scanned the accident report and turned it into a pdf file, in case anyone wants to see it. We got a copy of it within a couple weeks of the accident, and I think reading through it helped give me a feeling of closure. Reading a factual, emotionally void account of what happened helped me to face the reality of it. On the other hand, it was hard to read because it was a factual, emotionally void account of what happened. I put it up on my webspace, and I don't plan on taking it down anytime soon, so if you want to read it, feel free to do so whenever you're comfortable looking at it. It's a huge file, so it might take a while to open. It's in two parts.

[edit: links removed. ask if you want to know where they are.]

PT and staff meeting

PT and staff meeting

Yesterday was a big day for physical therapy. My therapist had asked me to bring my other shoe to put on my bad foot so that my hips would be even when I'm on the exercise bike. He ended up having me walk with shoes on both feet (using the crutches), and it was WEIRD! I've had to use the walking cast since I've been weight-bearing. It's amazing how easy it is to forget how to walk. It doesn't help that my knee doesn't straighten all the way yet. My therapist wanted me to walk with normal shoes on because the boot doesn't allow for normal ankle and knee motion while walking. I started to get the hang of walking and it kind of hurt less after a few minutes. My therapist and both my athletic trainers were excited about my progress. At the end of my session, my knee was two degrees from being straight. On Wednesday I was four degrees away. Yay!

I hope that paragraph made sense... damn percocet. Anyway, the staff meeting was last night, and then a bunch of us went out to a bar afterwards. I'm not going to talk about most of it since most of the people reading this blog were there. Also, I'm kind of "talked out". But it felt so good to finally be back with the staff again.

One of the things we talked about in the meeting was the fact that we should all get back on the buses for the next trips. I guess I hadn't really thought about that. Well, I had, but I figured I'd worry about it when the time comes. It sounds like everyone else wants to get back on the buses at some point, so I should too. Brian suggested that a bunch of us could go to the bus company before the trips and ask to sit on one of the buses, just to get used to it again. UWEC's Wind Symphony will be going on a trip in the spring, and if I'm in that ensemble next semester, I think I'll try and drive the equipment van instead of riding on a bus. I don't think I'll be ready for it yet. I'm just worried that I'll get on the bus and start remembering things that I'd forgotten. I actually remember quite a bit, contrary to what I usually tell people. It's just easier to say "I don't really remember anything" because people always want to know what I saw, and I didn't see much. I saw my seat, and Raji, and maybe a couple other people, and the seat Raji set me down in, and the bus window. I don't remember anything else. Mostly I just remember what I felt, and that's about it.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my physical recovery that, even though it's a direct result of the accident, I'm not consciously thinking about it. Every now and then, especially when I'm talking to other people who were there, it hits me - holy fuck, that really happened. It was like something out of a horror movie, except it was real, and a lot of my friends went through it at the same time. Each of us had a radically different, equally awful experience. It's weird that I wasn't scared at the time, but it's scary to think about it now.

Well, I was going to type more, but I think that's about all I have to say for now. Sorry for the dark post. It doesn't really reflect my current mood - just some of the things that have been on my mind.

teaching

teaching

This post will probably be sappy, but that's okay. I'm writing it mostly for my own benefit.

With the staff meeting coming up tomorrow, I've been thinking a lot about what the next marching band season will be like. Before the accident I wasn't sure whether or not I'd be coming back for another year because I didn't know where I'd be. Now that I have to wait on my grad school plans, I can do marching band in the meantime. And after having such a traumatic experience, I think the students need a staff that's strong enough to return, and it will probably be therapeutic for me too.

It's going to be hard, though. G did so much for the band - everything from ordering new equipment, to writing all the music and drill, to planning the competition trips. He was unique, since most band directors hire people to write certain aspects of the show, including the drill, the percussion music, and the rest of the band's music. After working also with Menomonie's band this past season, I realized how much work and organization it takes to put together a marching band show.

Well, at least at Chi-Hi we're lucky that we have such a large staff, and that G's marching band program was in place for over twenty years - long enough for it to be established and for us to know where to go with it.

Anyway, I'm glad that I'll be returning, because teaching has been such a rewarding experience. The enthusiasm of my "kids" (as I call them) is inspiring. When I was planning on going to college, I knew I wanted to go into music but I didn't know what I wanted to do in the field. I knew I didn't want to teach, because I didn't think I had the patience to do it full-time. But after teaching at Chi-Hi for five years, I've changed my mind and I want to go to grad school so I can teach in college. I especially look forward to teaching younger students because they have that same enthusiasm and "spark" that I see in my high schoolers. I'm so thankful to G for giving me the opportunity to teach.

Another reason I love teaching at Chi-Hi is that it's not often you get the chance to teach alongside a handful of your closest friends. And I'm glad I'll have those people with me next season so we can help eachother through it.

Okay, sappiness over. I went to the mall today, and for the first time, I didn't bring the wheelchair. Yay!!!! I used the crutches the whole time. My mom and I have gone to the mall a handful of times since the accident, and I HATED using the wheelchair. People can be so rude (staring, not moving out of the way, etc.), and a lot of stores are not set up well to accomodate wheelchairs in the aisles. I had a lot more freedom on the crutches, but it was so tiring. I'm still so weak. We didn't do a whole lot - returned something, then I sat and rested while my mom went into another store, then went to the food court, then I sat and rested while my mom shopped some more. It was the first time since the accident that I've stood for more than a few minutes at a time, and my legs and feet are not used to it. It doesn't help that I hurt my left ankle in the accident (sprained it maybe?) and I walked on it so much today. In spending that much time on my feet, I feel like I've reached another milestone, but it made me realize how much work I have yet to do before leading a "normal" life.

another day

another day

I don't have anything too exciting to report today. I'm having lots of aches and pains since I'm starting to do all my exercises again. I think I'm having some minor withdrawal problems again, too. And I haven't been sleeping well. My tailbone bothers me when I lay on my back, and I only sleep well on my side, but I haven't been able to do that since the accident. Today I was so exhausted after physical therapy, but my attempt at a nap was just depressing. I tried laying halfway on my side, but when I got up, my face hurt pretty bad. My mom saw me about the time I gave up on sleeping, and she freaked out and thought I was sick because I have dark circles under my eyes. No, I just can't sleep because of my stupid tailbone and knee.

I had physical therapy today, and it went pretty well. My knee moves a lot more smoothly since having my surgery. I still have about four degrees to go before I can straighten my leg completely, and that's without any weights or pushing on the top of my knee. I've been working really hard at it. Whenever I'm at home, my leg is on the machine that bends/straightens it. My mom bought me some ankle weights to put on top of my knee and help straighten it.

After physical therapy, I came out into the waiting room and Raji was there. I'd forgotten he had an appointment with the spine doctor today. He told me he'd just seen Brian on the first floor. Apparently the clinic was a popular place today...

I gave Jessie a call last night. It was the first time I'd talked to her since the accident. She asked me all about how everone else is doing. It sounds like she's doing pretty well - she said everything is healing well and she will be allowed to stand up and walk sometime in the next few weeks. She's such an inspiration. I know firsthand a fraction of the pain and struggles she's going through, but she makes it sound like it's no big deal. I asked her if she's going to come back to teach at Chi-Hi again next season, and without a moment's hesitation, she said yes.

Tenley (my brother's girlfriend) had knee surgery today. She tore her ACL a couple weeks ago while skiing in Wyoming, where they live. Dan called tonight to tell us the surgery went fine. Too bad she can't ski for six months :(

Friday = staff meeting! Yay!

i'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

i'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

Now that it's the beginning of a new year, we're all being inundated with TV shows and commercials telling us how to "look beautiful in 2006". Right now I'm watching The View and they're using some scary looking machine thing on some poor woman's face, in an effort to "correct" some miniscule "problem". I can't believe the lengths some people go to, and the things our society tells us to do, in order to be "beautiful". I'm not talking about going to the gym and eating healthier - I'm talking about lyposuction and microdermawhatevers. I won't pretend that I've never had a poor body image, but I guess that's just one of the ways this accident has changed me. Now it doesn't make sense to me for people to hate their perfectly healthy bodies because they don't fit into some ridiculous ideal. And I don't understand plastic surgery - if it's not broken, don't fix it. I just don't have the patience to hear about women "battling" with their crow's feet or cellulite, when I'm racing to regain motion in my knee before too much scar tissue forms. I shouldn't complain though, because the damage could have been so much worse. But I've been incredibly stressed out and frustrated lately because I just want my leg to do what it's supposed to.

Oh, funny story: last night I was chatting with Raji's little brother, who had one wisdom tooth taken out. He was bitching to me about how much it hurt. ;)

auld lang syne

auld lang syne

Happy new year everyone! I spent last night at a small party with some friends. We played board games and stuff and it was a fun time. I wished I could have stopped out at "The House", but I was really sore and it was hard enough to get to the party in Chippewa. Anyway, I got a drunk-dial from the other party, which was pretty funny ;)

I think I'm going to jump on the bandwagon here and do a "year in review". 2005 was, well, eventful. When I think back on this year, I don't want to think of it as "the year of the accident." Why is it that, when looking back upon a year, we tend to focus on the bad things that happened? It's oversimplified. I guess it just makes it easier for us to move forward. Maybe we focus on the hard times, so the "good" times will be better by comparison. Then we can say, "the new year has to be better, because it can't get any worse."

I've never really understood using our calendar system to reflect on what happened in our lives. The things that happened to me in the year 2005 didn't happen because it was 2005. The things that happened in January have little or no relation to the things that happened in December. But I suppose it's just easy to organize things in set units, like two semesters, or 365 days. And it gives us a chance to reflect on the past, when maybe we wouldn't otherwise. So at the risk of being a hypocrite, I will also organize my memories of the past year or so into a neat little package called "2005".

January and February were very trying times for me. If you saw me at the beginning of the year, you probably noticed I was worn down. Basically my living situation had changed from bad to, well, different. It was a time of mixed emotions. I learned how important it is to be comfortable enough in a house to call it "home". I'm not going to delve into a lot of detail on here, but if you're curious about what happened, just ask. In retrospect, it probably wasn't as bad as I'm making it sound.

I don't remember much of March, I think I was in the practice rooms.

April was the month of my senior recital. I spent every day of that month obsessing over how quickly the 19th was approaching. I programmed a very challenging recital. I split it on piano and percussion. All the percussion pieces ended up being pieces for mallet instruments, but I guess it just worked out that way because they fit well with the piano pieces. And there aren't a lot of non-mallet percussion solos that are fun to listen to if you're not a percussionist. Anyway, I worked my butt off, and I was happy in the end. My recital was probably one of the best days of my life. It's so empowering to be able to challenge yourself like that and pull it off. I was so happy that so many people came to watch. My brother and his girlfriend even drove from WY for it!

I don't think I could have asked for a better summer. I spent a lot of time relaxing, and practicing, and riding my bike. I hung out with friends a lot, too. In June, Ali moved in. She's a great roommate - we get along really well!

In August I went tubing in the Apple River with a bunch of my friends. We had a blast! Too bad I broke my tailbone. Don't ever break your tailbone, it sucks! At the end of the month Raji and I went down to Illinois for my family's annual BBQ competition. We spent two days eating food, drinking beer, and jamming out, and it pretty much doesn't get any better than that. August was also pretty busy because I was teaching at Chi-Hi. I had such a good group of kids this year!

With September came the start of a new semester. It was a really strange time because I'm almost done with the music department, but I don't want to be done. I've fulfilled my requirements for piano lessons, and none of the professors had room for me in their studios, so I didn't get to take lessons this semester. It's the first time in 19 years that I haven't taken piano lessons, and that's been really difficult for me. I also didn't get in to Wind Symphony because I have enough semesters of large ensembles, and there are other people who needed to be in it. I miss it so much, but with the way this semester turned out, it's a good thing I wasn't in a band. September also sucked because I ran over a dog. My neighbor girl let the dog out without a leash on and the dog ran right in front of my car. :( But we rushed it to the vet and she's fine now.

The beginning of October was busy with teaching at Chi-Hi, and getting ready to do grad school applications.

We all know how the rest of the year went. Overall, I can't say it was a bad year. Like I said, it was eventful. Lots of big changes - I made plans for grad school, lost probably 30 lbs (don't worry, some of that was after the accident, and I'm gaining weight again), and I lived with someone new - I guess a lot of it was normal, 22-year-old stuff. Then of course in October there were a lot of even more drastic changes. There's no way to sum up the accident or how I've grown and changed as a result of it. I think everyone who was affected is now a different person. I will say that I lost one of my mentors (G) and a new friend (Branden), and I've been confronted with the fragility of life. I've been pushed, but I've pushed back. These past few months have been the most difficult of my entire life, but those experiences are an important part of who I am today.

Anyway, I don't think I'm doing a very good job of putting thoughts into words today - probably a result of painkillers and tiredness. Time to watch some TV - Raji bought me DVDs of "Mission Hill" and "The Adventures of Pete & Pete" for Christmas. Yay!