ready, set, breakdown

ready, set, breakdown

I need some alone time. I need for life to be back to normal, and I need to spend some time by myself, figuring everything out. My parents have been great, but my mom is always home, and I wish I had more space.

I've lost my appetite again. It happens whenever I'm on painkillers, and I thought it was just because of that, but now I'm pretty much off the painkillers and I'm still having problems with food. I'm on a new anti-inflammatory pill - maybe it's because of that. Or maybe it goes deeper, I don't know. I used to love food more than pretty much anything. Now when someone sets a plate of food in front of me, they might as well give me a bowl full of celery or plain shredded wheat or something. It just doesn't interest me. I eat as much as I can anyway because I need to gain weight.

I can't believe school is starting in a couple weeks. I had planned on trying to move back into my house in EC over break. I give up on making plans like that, because it's just not going to happen for a while yet. I have no idea what I'm doing for spring semester. Is it a lofty goal for me to take on a full-time schedule? Probably. I think I'm going to try it anyway. I haven't even signed up for all of my classes yet and now they're probably all closed. I'll have to ask the dean of students to put me on the overload lists or whatever. I still have a lot of stuff to do in order to finish the classes I took incompletes in last semester. I haven't done any work over break. It's still so hard to concentrate. It doesn't help that my parents have dogs, and they're ALWAYS barking. Bark bark bark bark bark. That's the soundtrack to my typical day. I like dogs, but I'm not used to living with them, and it's just too much for me to handle right now. I keep asking my parents to put their bark collars on, and my mom always seems to get offended.

I've been thinking a lot about Wind Symphony. I really want to be in it this semester, pending audition results, but I don't know if I should. I thought I'd be "better" soon, but who knows when I'll be able to comfortably stand and play percussion. I don't want to be given a spot in the ensemble out of pity, or have the section make a lot of accomodations for me, when I don't know how long it's going to take before I can be a "normal" part of the section again. It would be tough to be in WS this semester also because of tour (buses) and because the band will be playing a piece that was commissioned as a result of the accident. Will I be ready to do that? It's not fair that the accident is potentially keeping me from doing what I love most - playing music, particularly with that band. Maybe for that reason alone I'll do it, and say a big "fuck you" to this whole situation. Besides, Sazama wants to play in that ensemble (pending audition results), and if he can do it then so can I. We could help eachother through it.

Anyway, I feel better now that I wrote all that out.

In other news, my mom scanned the accident report and turned it into a pdf file, in case anyone wants to see it. We got a copy of it within a couple weeks of the accident, and I think reading through it helped give me a feeling of closure. Reading a factual, emotionally void account of what happened helped me to face the reality of it. On the other hand, it was hard to read because it was a factual, emotionally void account of what happened. I put it up on my webspace, and I don't plan on taking it down anytime soon, so if you want to read it, feel free to do so whenever you're comfortable looking at it. It's a huge file, so it might take a while to open. It's in two parts.

[edit: links removed. ask if you want to know where they are.]