they can't all be good days

they can't all be good days

Well, I went to physical therapy this morning, and it started out okay. Then I started doing a leg press type thing (laying on my back), and my therapist put a 10-pound weight on my knee, and then he started really pushing hard on my leg to try and get it straight. He would push hard for a while, then give me a chance to relax, then do it again. After a few of those, I broke down and started to cry. The therapist gave me a chance to catch my breath, and then tried to straighten my leg some more. Then I worked with my athletic trainer, who noticed I was having a hard day and took it easy on me. Having a breakdown like that was weird since pain doesn't normally have that effect on me. I felt stupid and disappointed in myself. I think part of it is that I'm so stressed out from school. It's frustrating that school can affect my physical recovery like that.

The rest of the day wasn't so bad - my mom and I went to the mall to kill some time before my class. My mom also noticed I was having a hard day, so she did everything she could to cheer me up. I got new PJ pants from Vicky's. They're fuzzy and have a dog on them. That helps.

After class I came home and took a nap. I was planning on going to the band concert at the high school, but my dad woke me up and then told me to go back to sleep because apparently I looked exhausted. I feel really bad for missing the concert, because I know the students and Andrei and probably a bunch of other people wanted to see me there. I think it would have been too overwhelming for me, though. I was so tired that I didn't trust my body to get down the front steps without falling on my face. And it's still really tiring to be around big groups of people. I'll probably try to visit the high school sometime soon, like maybe next week. It's easier for me to go places during the day than it is to go somewhere at night.

To my credit, it wasn't a completely wasted day. I worked a little on a presentation I have to give on Wednesday, and then I did some exercises for a while. My dad told me I didn't have to do exercises if I felt too tired. I must look really shitty today, because it's rare for everyone to be cutting me slack. I don't want people to take it easy on me. I've come to accept that there are a lot of bad days during the recovery process. I'm at such a critical point with my physical therapy, though, that I can't afford to have many bad days. So I'm frustrated and I hope tomorrow will be better. I don't even know what my deal is today, except that I'm tired and stressed out and apparently have a low tolerance for pain.

Anyway, enough about today. As you probably know, I played in the holiday lobby concert at the Fine Arts building last Friday. If you've never seen the concert, it's hard to explain. Basically, a lot of small ensembles play Christmas songs and it's a lot of fun. It's attended mostly by the music department and by old people and little kids. Santa comes to hand out candy canes toward the end. Anyway, I played with the marimba ensemble (or "maramba", if you listen to the news story). It was an amazing feeling, playing music again. The piece we played wasn't exactly challenging but it was fun anyway. Everyone in the department was so supportive of me. I could go on and on about how awesome the music department is, but I'm too tired.