i dream myself a thousand times around the world

i dream myself a thousand times around the world

...but i can't get out of this place

- d. matthews

So far today has not been so great. I had an appointment with my knee doctor this morning, and my worker's comp case worker (Bonnie) came to it. Bonnie is generally a nice person, but she tends to be accidentally insensitive. She always asks me all sorts of personal questions while we're in the waiting room, and everyone around us cranes their necks to stare at me. I wish she'd just discuss it over the phone.

My visits to the knee doctor are always depressing. Last time he saw me (about three weeks ago), he said he was disappointed in the range of motion in my knee. Today he was slightly more satisfied, but he said my body is taking a really long time to recover. My mom wanted to know when he's going to fix my ACL, but he didn't even want to discuss it. He said he can probably take the rod out of my femur sometime during the summer. I'm guessing that now I'll have to wait until at least the fall to get my ACL fixed. I'm not sure where my life is supposed to fit in to that schedule.

I asked the doctor if he could give me a prescription for a cane (I tried using one during physical therapy yesterday) but he said he'd rather I used one crutch. He said once I can put all my weight on my right leg and walk like that for a week, then I can start using one crutch, and then after another week I should be able to get rid of the crutches altogether. If it's so easy, why am I still stuck on phase one of that process? I think my knee doctor is in his own little world sometimes. He thinks about the stuff that tore in my knee, but he seems to forget that I also broke two bones, dislocated my foot, and had a shit-ton of metal put in my leg.

After my appointment, for some reason my mom mentioned to Bonnie that next time I see my ankle doctor I want to ask if I'll be able to drive again soon. Bonnie laughed and said, "you know he'll say no." By that point I had just had enough, and I started crying. Then I felt stupid for crying in public, and everyone was trying to comfort me, but really I just wanted to be left alone. I wish everything could go back to normal. I want to live on my own and have the ability to go wherever I want, whenever I want. There are worse problems to have, but I'm getting so frustrated. I know I'll never have things the way they were before the accident, but I just want to move back to my house in EC and try to move on with my life.