late night ramblings

late night ramblings

It's late and I'm tired but I can't sleep yet, so I'll write out the random thoughts on my mind, and then I should be able to sleep.

I can't wait until my every waking moment is no longer defined by the accident. I have spent years carefully planning my life so I would be exactly what I set out to achieve. But I am learning that we are not defined solely by our achievements. Reaching our goals is not the only important thing - we also have to be able to react to the unexpected, and be able to set and achieve a new set of goals. Another thing I learned: if we are fortunate enough to have a set of goals and have the means and resources to work toward those goals, that is something that should not be taken for granted.

One question I've heard a lot lately is: when am I going to move back to EC? That's a good question.

Another one I've heard frequently: will I have any lasting disabilities as a result of the accident? That's a good question too.

I'm starting to remember more and more about the accident. Sometimes it comes to me suddenly, and sometimes it feels like that "new" memory was, in fact, always there. I thought I had passed out when I was lifted through the bus window, but now I remember experiencing it. I don't even know why it matters, and I don't know why it still replays in my head.

I have put a lot of miles on my car in the past two days. I wish I didn't have to drive so much, but I love having my independence back. I've been so happy since I've been able to drive. Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car, I almost feel like I can forget anything ever happened. I just wish there weren't so many idiots on the road. Tonight I was driving to EC for a sectional, and some moron crossed the center lane and drifted toward my car until I honked at them. I'm jumpy enough already, especially when traveling at night - I don't need to deal with crazy drivers.

Physical therapy today was a lot different than it has ever been. My trainers had me walk without crutches, and they had me try lifting my feet up higher when I'm walking - something I wouldn't have dreamed of doing a week ago.

I've been trying to plan my next year, but I'm still undecided on a lot of things. I don't know when my next surgeries will be, which makes it difficult to plan anything. I don't know where I'll be living. Everyone I talk to has their own opinion on what they want me to do. I wish people would let me make up my own mind. I wish I could make up my mind.

Goodnight!