weighing my options

weighing my options

I've been talking with my mom about when to have my ACL surgery. I think she would like me to take part-time classes for the next couple semesters so I can have the surgery done in the fall (and not have a full load of classes while I'm recovering). I guess that would be good because it would make next semester a little less stressful. It will already be stressful and busy with Chi-Hi marching band stuff, and I'll be applying for grad schools, and taking 16 or 17 credits (which, for a music major, is like eleventy billion classes). If I cut the class load in half, that would be a lot better. I would have to worry about insurance and student loans and stuff, but I might be able to sort that out.

Today I heard that the trial got pushed back because we're still waiting on the NTSB review. Instead of being in December, the trial will be in March or sometime after that. I guess that's okay, since I don't have to worry about the trial falling during finals week. I hope it doesn't get pushed back too far though - I think the DA said it could be delayed by up to two years. I wish we could just get the trial behind us, but if the DA wants more time in order to understand the case better, then it's probably better to wait.

Warning: boring music theory stuff
I've come up with some ideas for the mallet parts for the second piece in Chi-Hi's marching show. I've been listening to the original recording (thanks Erik) so I can get a better feel for the music. It's in a different key than the score our band is using, which is a pain in the ass, but expected. I spent a short time in the practice rooms before they closed today and scribbled my ideas on paper. I got home and was ready to write the parts, and realized that the bass note of the marimba part, when transposed, is too low (by two keys) for the range of Chi-Hi's marimba. I can take it up an octave, but I really wanted a full bass sound from the marimba. I can use a different chord voicing, but it won't sound as good. I'm kind of stumped at the moment and I'm not going to write any parts out until I can get back to the marimba and try some other things out. I could write out some parts for the other instruments, but I was kind of going to base them all on the marimba part, so I might end up changing the other parts too. Basically I'm going to wait until tomorrow before I put much work into it, because I have a feeling I'd just end up re-writing everything.

uphill battle

uphill battle

I went to see my ankle doctor on Wednesday, and now my stitches are FINALLY out. Unless my ankle starts bothering me again, I won't have to go back to that doctor anymore. That's a big step, considering he's the doctor that dealt with my foot, ankle, fibula, and femur - and did five of my surgeries. I have a feeling I'll be back to see him at some point, but for now this is progress.

Now I just have to get my ACL fixed. I made an appointment with my knee doctor, but the earliest he could see me is in the first week of August. I was planning on having that surgery done this summer yet, but reality has started to set in. The earliest I could probably get in to have surgery would be the second or third week of August. My athletic trainer told me I'd probably be on crutches for about four weeks after the surgery. Not only is August a busy month with marching band, but I'm scheduled to take photos at someone's wedding in early September and I can't be on crutches for that. And I don't want to start yet another semester of school while still recovering from surgery. As I see it, I have a few options: I could have the surgery done in August anyway, but for the reasons I just pointed out, that probably wouldn't be the best choice. As much as I just want to be done with surgeries and fully start my recovery, I don't think I can do it in August. Another option is to wait until January or sometime after that. I'll graduate in December, so I'll have plenty of time to rest and recover from surgery. The downside is that I wouldn't be able to work full-time for a while afterwards, so I would be poor and uninsured (my surgery will be covered, but I don't want to go without insurance). My other option is to take classes part time over the next two semesters, and delay my graduation YET AGAIN. If I'm only taking classes part-time, I could have surgery whenever, and still deal with my small class load. But then there's the insurance problem again. Basically there is no good option, and I'm sick of my life being fucked up from the accident. I just want to move on, and do normal things again, like go snowboarding. Or go on a vacation. Since October, my (short-term) future has constantly been up in the air because I'm never sure when my next surgery will be. I wish I could close this chapter of my life.

Anyway, rant over. In good news, enough time has passed since my last surgery that I can start going to the gym again. Before the accident I went to the gym regularly, and I was always trying to strengthen this or that. I was happy with myself, but that didn't stop me from trying to improve my overall health. Now I realize how much I took it for granted. I am so weak now that I can barely do anything. But I know that I shouldn't take my current strength for granted, either. I'm so much better than I was back in November or December. And I still notice an improvement from week to week.

A lot of people have been asking me lately about the long-term effects I'll have from my injuries. I really don't know. That's something my doctors don't talk about. It's interesting that people who have a small amount of medical knowledge are quick to tell you what they think your long-term effects will be. However, people who've had a lot of medical training refrain from saying anything about patients' futures. I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see what happens.

I don't know if I've mentioned it on here, but I'm working on writing music for the students I teach in marching band. It hasn't been going very well so far. It takes me a long time to write music. Especially when I have a lot of stuff on my mind, which as you can probably tell, I do now. I'll get the music finished soon enough.

I realized that my blog posts tend to be kind of negative sometimes, but that's because this is my outlet. If I write it all down on here and get my complaining out of the way, then it's not on my mind quite as much. At least that's what I like to believe. Anyway, I write this blog mostly for accident-related reasons, so it's bound to be negative. There aren't many positive things I can say about what happened.

i updated!

i updated!

I finally updated my webpage. It was too hot to do anything else today.
Please check it out!

summer?

summer?

I am so frustrated right now, but this blog is not the place to vent about it. Basically I just can't believe that people expect so much from me right now. And I'm frustrated with my current state because I can't do everything I want to do. Normally it wouldn't be an issue, but I don't think people realize that I'm still weak, I'm still in pain, and I still have another surgery ahead of me. The last thing I need is more stress. If you're reading this, don't worry about it, I'm not talking about you.

Speaking of that other surgery, I'm still waiting to find out when it will be. I meet with my ankle doc next week to have x-rays taken and have my stitches taken out, and then I'll have to make an appointment with my knee doctor, and he and I will talk about when the best time will be for him to fix my ACL. Unfortunately I doubt it will happen before August. That's bad because August is a really busy time for me with marching band and stuff. I don't know how long it will take to recover from the next surgery, but I know the recovery time will be longer than the past few surgeries I've had.

I need a vacation.

summer

summer

Well, I guess it's been a while since I've done a substantive update. This have been going pretty well here, but I'm sick of not having any energy. I usually have enough energy to work out and then I'm tired for the rest of the day. Today I was able to walk around the mall a little bit, so I guess it's getting better. Maybe tomorrow I'll try going for a walk on the bike trail. I wish I could enjoy my summer by doing something other than sitting around.

I've been pretty sore, but that's been getting a little better too. Sometimes when I sit down or stand up I get really bad pain below my kneecap - that must be where the rod went through when they took it out. It hurt a lot after surgery but now it only bothers me sometimes. My femur aches sometimes too, more than it did before surgery. It will take a while before the bone fills in and becomes strong again.

The drumline rehearsal (a couple weeks ago) went fairly well. The next rehearsal is on Thursday. I realized that I'll have to write most or all of the show music for my section. That came as a surprise to me, but I think it will turn out okay. I'm feeling a little stressed though because of that lack of energy I mentioned earlier, and because I still have another surgery coming up soon. I usually write music out by hand and it takes me forever. I'd use Finale (notation software), but I don't know the program very well so I'd probably end up frustrated and wasting more valuable time.

Speaking of computers, my hard drive is going to die. It's annoying. I can use my computer for 20 minutes or so and then it locks up and the hard drive starts clicking. When I restart, sometimes my computer can't find the hard drive. I'll have to give Dell a call when I have patience. Luckily I've had a chance to back up all my important stuff. Good thing I'm not using Finale to write those parts...

In sad news, today I learned that Joe G., a vocal major here at UWEC, passed away. He had muscular dystrophy and was wheelchair-bound, and had heart complications as a result of his MD. I didn't know Joe very well but he was always such an inspiration to me, especially during those months I spent in a wheelchair. It seemed like he never let his disability hold him back. He was very intelligent and talented, and I'll miss seeing him around the Fine Arts building.

look how long my hair is!

look how long my hair is!

This is part of my hair that was shaved back in October. It's like 4" now. Sorry for the crappy cell pic quality.

i like this quote

i like this quote

"Don't think I am strong. It is just that I don't allow myself to be fragile, for I know I will break."
- Madame Mao Zedong

This stuff used to be in my leg. Not the pen though, that's there for scale.

blah blah stuff

blah blah stuff

Good news to report: I pretty much have my full range of motion back in my knee (or as good as it was before surgery anyway), and the swelling seems to have gone down a bit. I've been pretty sore still, but I'm trying to cut back on the painkillers. My stomach feels better but I've been pretty dizzy from the painkillers. Now I just wish I wasn't so exhausted all the time.

The drumline has a rehearsal tomorrow night - it's the first one of the summer that I'll be going to. I'm looking forward to meeting the new kids and digging into the music. I don't feel very prepared though because I don't really know what to expect. I think I have to write some warmups, or maybe they still have the ones I wrote last year, I don't know. I've been too busy to think about it much. I guess after tomorrow's rehearsal I'll know what I need to do as far as writing stuff. I think I might have to write some of the show music, which is kind of stressing me out, but it will be okay. I'll feel better once I look at the music and know what needs to be done yet. I wish I didn't have to have surgery this summer - I'd be a lot more on top of things if that weren't the case.

I think I'm going to give up on writing now. Painkillers = it's hard to make coherent sentences. You should leave me a comment, that would be neat.

killing time

killing time

I'm feeling a little better since my trip to the ER. My stomach hasn't really sorted itself out yet, but at least I'm not as nauseated as I was before. Yesterday I was able to walk a bit without crutches or the walker. I'm still in quite a bit of pain, but walking isn't too bad - it's the worst when I go to sit down or stand up. Today my knee has swelled up a lot, probably since I was walking yesterday. I'm surprised at how much I hurt. When I got the metal taken out of my ankle, it wasn't too bad. I guess it makes sense though because this surgery was more invasive.

I'm annoyed because I had a physical therapy appointment scheduled for 11 this morning. My mom drove to EC to pick me up, since I'm not ready to drive yet, and took me to my appointment. I found out when I checked in that my appointment had been cancelled. I wish I would have been informed of that fact earlier. I guess they sent me a letter, which would have gone to my parents' house, but my mom never saw it. Fortunately they had another appointment open today, which is good because I really need to get in to do some PT. It's a pain in the butt though because my mom and I have been trying to kill some time, and in the meantime my knee is swelling up more and I want to take a nap. I'll probably spend the rest of the day in bed.

In other news, my router needs to be taken out back and shot. My internet connection sucks.

how raji and i spent our friday night

how raji and i spent our friday night

Well, I ended up going to the ER last night. I kept feeling more and more sick, to the point where I could barely stand up. I got really pale and cold. Raji took me in to the ER, where I was given some anti-nausea medicine. Unfortunately it took them so long to go through my records and everything, by the time I got the medicine down I puked it back up. I felt a little better after that. Then after an eternity, the nurse gave me another anti-nausea pill. She also gave me a prescription to pick up, and then sent us on our way. Raji (best boyfriend ever) took me home to sleep and then went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription, along with some powerade and crackers. He got back over here and I woke up long enough to take an anti-nausea pill and some painkillers. Then I went to sleep (sometime around midnight) and just woke up at 1pm.

I guess the problem was that the painkillers my doctor gave me aren't supposed to be taken together, since they're basically the same thing. When I got those prescriptions before my surgery, I asked my doctor if it was okay to take them at the same time, and he said yes. I probably misunderstood him - it's really confusing. One of the painkillers is a long-lasting version of the other painkiller. I think maybe I was just supposed to take the shorter-lasting ones as needed if I was really in a lot of pain, as opposed to taking it regularly, like I was. I don't think I'm going to take the long-lasting ones anymore, and just use the other ones regularly. So basically I ended up taking too many painkillers because I was confused and I was in a lot of pain. It sucked because the last thing I wanted to do after I got home from the hospital was take another painkiller since I was so sick, but I was in a lot of pain. I ended up waiting until Raji showed up with my anti-nausea medicine and then took painkillers.

Okay this post is long and probably confusing, but that's what happens when I'm sick and in pain and on drugs.

blah

blah

I was right when I thought today would be bad. I'm in a lot of pain and I'm dealing with nausea too. I slept most of the day, and I'll probably go back to sleep soon. My mom bought me a featherbed topper thing for my futon mattress, so my bed is really comfy now. That's a good thing since I'm spending most of my time in bed. Speaking of which, it's time to lie down.

six down, one to go

six down, one to go

I'm home from surgery! I'm pretty sore but it's not unbearable. It was hard keeping the pain under control when I woke up from the anesthesia, but now it's feeling a little better. Hopefully tomorrow won't be as bad as I think it might be...

The surgery went really well. Apparently when my doctor took the screws out of my knee, the rod pretty much fell out of my femur. The surgery took about half the amount of time my doctor thought it would. I got to take the metal home, and I'll post photos whenever I get around to taking some. I'm really surprised at how long the screws are. It's weird to think they fit in my knee. No wonder they were starting to bother me so much.

I have to use the leg machine again, which I'm not too excited about. Oh well, hopefully I'll regain my knee motion pretty quickly. It's nice having an exercise bike - that will help.

If you get a chance, you should stop by! My mom is paranoid because both of my roommates are out of town for the weekend, and she's worried nobody will be around if there's an emergency, so visitors = really cool. I think Raji will probably be with me when he's not working, so that helps. Yay boyfriend.

quick update

quick update

I got home from Illinois on Sunday. My grandma was released from the hospital that day, and one of my cousins is going to be living with her at least until she's done with radiation. Right now things are working out, and let's hope my grandma continues to recover.

I'm having surgery tomorrow to have some hardware removed from my femur & knee. I think this one isn't going to be too bad, but now I'm a little nervous since my doctor gave me prescriptions for two different pain pills. Also, he wants me to take a mega-dose BEFORE surgery, which he's never asked me to do. I'm remembering how much I hate knee surgery. Time for the stupid leg machine and lots of ice again. Anyway, I should be home sometime tomorrow afternoon, so stop by if you're bored. :)

update

update

I'm not very impressed with the hospital my grandma is in. It's huge and pretty and my grandma has about four different doctors, none of whom talk to eacother. They often give us conflicting information. They haven't been able to figure out what's going on with her, so they decided to send her home today. To complicate matters, my dad has a lot of siblings, and they and their spouses all have different ideas about what's been going on. There has been a lot of bickering. I wish I were younger, because I don't want to know what they're arguing about. I'm sick of them asking for my opinion, trying to get me to take a side.

In the meantime, my grandma looks worn out, but otherwise she seems like her usual self. She is not deaf or senile like people assume, and she reminds us of this fact every time she adds something to a hushed-voices conversation people are having about her. One of the doctors put her on blood thinners a few days ago, then another doctor decided her blood was too thin, so yesterday she received a blood transfusion. In good news, the tumor in her lung has shrunk a little.

On to lighter things... I seem to have been put in charge of the dogs while all this is going on. That's okay by me, since they actually listen to me. Well, Felix does anyway. He's actually pretty well-behaved when he wants to be.

Yesterday I went to a Trader Joe's for the first time. I really wish we had one near EC. It's basically a health foods grocery store, and everything is pretty cheap. Before going there, we walked all over downtown Naperville, where there are a lot of little shops and restaurants. I wish I hadn't worn sandals since my ankle is killing me now, but it's too hot to wear regular shoes. Apparently down here summers are called "the furnace" because it's hot and windy. Oh well, at least it's not as sticky as Wisconsin's few weeks of summer.

scatterbrained

scatterbrained

Well, I'm in Illinois now. My grandma is in the hospital for the next few days because she has to have some medicines administered through an IV, but she should be okay. My dad and I stopped at the farmer's market today and picked up her favorite bread and some fresh strawberries for her, so hopefully that will cheer her up a little.

I missed Chi-Hi's first summer drumline rehearsal to come down here today. It's kind of a long story but my mom has been down here the past week helping out, and then my dad and I were going to come down for the weekend. We were planning on going down tomorrow, but the drumline rehearsal was the only thing keeping us from going earlier, and now with my grandma in the hospital I decided it was more important for us to come down here. I wish I could have been at rehearsal, but I'm too stressed out to even think about teaching right now. I like to go into rehearsals with a few specific goals in mind, but I can't think clearly enough right now to even know where to begin.

My next surgery is coming up in a week, which is probably contributing to my stress right now. I know the surgery won't be a big deal. It's just draining to think about the fact that I have to go through recovery again (not even for the last time yet), and it's summer - there are so many better things I could be doing. But now is the best time to have this surgery, and then at least I'll have it out of the way.

There are other things stressing me out right now (like school), but they aren't important right now. When I have a lot of things on my mind, it's hard for me to sort out what matters now and what things I don't have to worry about for a while.

Anyway, things aren't all bad. Illinois is kind of boring so far - I should have brought more books. We're going to see my grandma tomorrow, and maybe I'll feel better after seeing her. Most reports on my grandma come from my mom, who tends to exaggerate, so I'm hoping she isn't as bad as I think.

i've had better days

i've had better days

Today the defense was granted a change of venue. The trial will be held an hour or so away from EC. I won't go into how I feel about that. I will say, however, that the trial is going to come at the worst possible time: next semester during the last week of classes, or finals week, or something like that (I'm not totally sure because I haven't looked at the academic calendar yet). I'm probably going to see if I can take all of my finals early because even if I don't go to the trial, it's going to be the only thing on my mind while it's in progress. As if I don't have enough to worry about before I graduate.

I'll be going down to Illinois tomorrow to see my grandma and spend the weekend with my extended family. It will be nice to see everyone again - the last time I was down there was for Christmas. I'm worried about my grandma though, she's back in the hospital again. I think they're going to let her go home tomorrow though.

I had physical therapy today, and it went pretty well. I'm able to leg press 40 lbs now (using both legs). My knee is still pretty sore though from my walk to DQ. Or maybe it's because it's going to rain soon, I don't know.

Well, I think that's about it for now. Here's a photo I took from my old street (I developed it at work today)

cookie dough marathon

cookie dough marathon

Yesterday Ben and I walked to DQ from my house. It's probably four blocks from here, but a little farther if you take the bike trail (which we did). That was the farthest I've walked since the accident. By the time I got back home, I was really sore and my knee kept trying to give out, and then I took a two hour nap. It was totally worth it though because it was a big accomplishment. And because DQ is yummy.

blogging

blogging

Okay, so it's been a while since I've updated. I guess there's not much to say these days. Summer is nice. I'm glad I didn't take any summer classes - for the first time in almost a year, I'm able to relax and not have things hanging over my head. Well, for the most part anyway.

The new place is starting to be pretty cozy now that things are mostly unpacked. This neighborhood is a lot louder than my last one (not surprising), but I kind of like that. There are always things going on and people to talk to.

I went back to work this week! My manager finally had time to train me on the new machines. I only worked for a couple hours, but it was really overwhelming. The equipment is completely different than what we had when I worked there last. Basically I'm learning everything all over again. I think I'll catch on pretty quick though.

I'm enjoying summer but I do get a little depressed when I can't do "normal" things. Usually in the summer I would go on a long bike ride every day, but I don't have the strength to do that yet. Last weekend Raji wanted to go to Big Falls (a park on the river), but I couldn't go because I can't walk on rocks. I have trouble walking on pretty much any surface that isn't flat and paved.

Anyway, I've been finding other ways to keep busy. I spend a lot of time working out, and at my athletic trainer's suggestion, I've been trying to go for walks every day. I live a block away from the bike trail, so that makes me happy. I can't go very far, but one of these days I'll walk to DQ and buy myself a blizzard.

Oh, my next surgery is coming up in a couple weeks. My surgeons will be taking the rest of the hardware out of my leg. I'm a little stressed about it because I want to be able to enjoy my summer, instead of being laid up again. But at least I don't have to try and do homework while on painkillers - that was always interesting.

In other news, my grandma is not doing so well. She's undergoing radiation therapy for her lung cancer and it's been really hard on her. I'll probably be going down to Illinois sometime soon. It's a trip I'm really not looking forward to.

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