. . . . .

10.16.2006



one year later



Thanks for all the visits to this blog (and the messages, and the phone calls, and the flowers). Today's post isn't going to be about me - I'd rather share some memories.

I didn't have enough time to get to know Branden very well, but here are a couple memories that will stick with me:

I ran into him at the bars sometime during the summer of 2004, and we talked about the upcoming marching band season. He was SO excited to work with the kids.

Last season, I started getting to know Branden a little more. We had a lot of inside jokes last year, and one of them was to call Branden "lower-case C" because when he was a student teacher, he always followed Collicott (a.k.a. "C") everywhere. We decided that when Branden graduated and had a band department of his own, he would become "A". Branden thought that was pretty funny.

As far as G goes, I have so many memories of good times with him, this post will only scratch the surface. G was that teacher in my life (and in the lives of a lot of his students) who really inspired me. It sounds trite saying that, but it's true, and I can't think of another way to say it. I'm better with music than I am with words. Anyway, he was a lot of things to me - a teacher, a mentor, an inspiration, and a friend. Here are some random memories:

We had a lot of fun times in AP music theory class. We used to watch movies every now and then, and we would all bring snacks. I don't think we were supposed to eat in class, but as long as we brought G some pretzels and frosting, he was happy. Another AP class memory: when the day came to have yearbook photos taken of our class, a few students were missing. G drew pictures of their faces and we held them up in the picture. It was hilarious - I can't believe that photo ended up in the yearbook.

G loved to surprise his students. In jazz band Raji's senior year, he bugged G every day to let us play the tune "Some Skunk Funk". G always yelled at Raji and said we weren't going to play it. G showed me that he'd pulled the chart from the music library so we could play it, but he didn't tell Raji. I remember Raji was upset until the day he sat down at the set and "Some Skunk Funk" was on his stand waiting for him.

My senior year, I started suggesting to G that the school get a new marimba (the instrument I was playing in marching band that year). Ours was at least 20 years old and was showing significant wear. It didn't even sound like a marimba anymore. G told me the music department wouldn't be able to afford a marimba that year - they'd have to wait until after I graduated. Then one day I walked into the band room, and there was a brand new marimba (I think my brother had something to do with that - he worked a short stint at the marimba factory). Obviously it wasn't my marimba, it was the school's, but in any case G made me feel special that day.

There are a lot of really funny memories of G, but I can't think of a specific one to talk about right now. Feel free to leave a comment with memories of your own! I'm burned out - it's time to go to do something fun.

10.15.2006



here we are



So it's been a year. This has been the longest year of my life, but at times it seems like it's flown by. I think the most frustrating part for me is that I still don't have normal use of my right leg (and it will be a long time before I do). It seems weird to think about doing things like running around or dancing because it's been so long since I could do any of that stuff. I know I'm so lucky to be alive, but I'm still angry about the extent of my leg injuries and the way they've affected my life.

Now that we've hit that one year mark, the media is doing a lot of stories about the accident. Some people say they're sick of the media dwelling on it, but I figure it's just their job. Reading some of the newspaper articles that have come out over the past couple days have reminded me just how many people were affected by the accident.

The Chippewa Herald did articles yesterday, today, and will again tomorrow. The Leader Telegram devoted almost their entire news section today to the accident. It's probably a little bit of overkill, but then again maybe it's necessary - I think people really want to know how everyone is doing one year later.

The Herald did an article yesterday about Andrea. I think it's nice that the paper did an entire story on her, but they put a very positive spin on something that wasn't very positive. It was kind of interesting though because Andrea and I had just had a conversation the previous day about outsiders' perspective of the accident. This is a generalization, but it seems like outsiders want to think of a happy ending to this whole situation, like we're in a movie. I think we both got that feeling from the people we talked to in the media. They like to ask things like, "what positive things have happened in the past year?" I know they just want to make people smile a little when they're reading the article instead of make it even more depressing, but they have to understand that we're not all better. But there are some positive moments here and there, and I guess I don't blame the media for wanting to focus on those moments.

The Spectator was going to do a story on the accident for tomorrow's paper, but I'm not sure if it's going to happen now. They will probably do an article for next Monday's paper. It's a long story, but basically they forgot about the story until I emailed them a few days ago, and then they were trying to throw something together for their deadline. I suggested they hold off for a week or so, and then they can have time to write a nice, sensitive article. They actually listened to my suggestion, so they will probably be doing an article next week.

I don't really know what to do with myself tomorrow. I want to pretend it's just a normal day, but I think the media coverage will make the accident hard to ignore. Are there any plans to hang out or anything tomorrow night? I know tomorrow will be a difficult day for a lot of people, so hopefully we can be together and do something so it's not so hard to deal with. Those of you who are in other parts of the country or world - I'm thinking of you, and I hope tomorrow is as uneventful as possible.

Tomorrow the students at Chi-Hi will mark the one-year anniversary of the accident by having a school-wide moment of silence. They will also be receiving dogtags or a necklace or something to commemorate this year's show. No media is allowed on school grounds tomorrow - a good decision on the part of the faculty.

Speaking of Chi-Hi, here is one of those positive moments: at our band's rehearsal on Friday, a woman from Vandercook College of Music gave a scholarship to Jessi for a school of her choice. Jessi is a senior, and she was badly injured on the bus last year. Then on Saturday at our home show, two band directors from Missouri flew in and presented us with over $11,000 for the Greenhalgh endowment fund. Eleven thousand dollars!!! It was part of a project that Missouri's school band programs are participating in, where each year proceeds from their concerts will go to a high school in need. So yeah, that was pretty awesome...

On a completely different subject, I had a good day at physical therapy on Friday. Since my surgery last month, I've had to wear this huge knee brace (hip to ankle) and it was driving me crazy. It would always slide down and rest on my ankle joint, which happens to be the joint where I dislocated my foot - not comfortable at all. I thought I'd have to wear the brace for another couple of weeks, but I brought my smaller knee brace in to see if I can start wearing that one yet, and my athletic trainer said that would be fine. Then I got to walk with my little brace on, and without crutches. Up until this point, since my ACL surgery, I couldn't put full weight on my leg unless I was wearing that stupid brace. Now I can just use the smaller brace, and around the house I don't have to use crutches OR the brace!!! :)

At the end of my PT appointment, my trainer wanted me to walk up and down a graded hallway with no crutches before he decided it was safe for me to switch braces. We went through a door marked "employees only" and there was a long hall that sloped downhill. As I was walking down the hall, I thought it looked vaguely familiar. Once I got to the end and turned around, it came rushing back to me - I was there almost a year ago. It was my last day at the hospital, and that morning I had to be wheeled through that hall to the orthopedic clinic to have a cast put on my ankle. I was beyond miserable that day. Any small movement put me in a lot of pain, and I was not looking forward to someone touching my leg and putting a cast on it. I have a lot of bad memories from that day. I felt like I'd never walk again. But I can't tell you how good it felt on Friday to walk all the way down and back up that same hall with only a small knee brace for help.

-------------------------------------------------------
articles:
http://www.leadertelegram.com/story.asp?id=74697
http://www.leadertelegram.com/story.asp?id=74698
(There is more in the print edition of the Leader, including a story I was interviewed for, but they don't put everything on their site...)
http://www.chippewa.com/articles/2006/10/15/news/news1.txt
http://www.chippewa.com/articles/2006/10/15/news/news2.txt
http://www.chippewa.com/articles/2006/10/15/news/news3.txt
http://www.chippewa.com/articles/2006/10/15/news/news4.txt
http://www.chippewa.com/articles/2006/10/15/news/news5.txt
http://www.chippewa.com/articles/2006/10/15/news/news6.txt
http://www.chippewa.com/articles/2006/10/15/news/zebra2.txt
http://www.chippewa.com/articles/2006/10/15/news/zebra2.txt
http://www.chippewa.com/articles/2006/10/15/news/zebra2.txt
http://www.chippewa.com/articles/2006/10/15/news/zebra2.txt

10.12.2006



home show, media, winter



Hey, if you're in the area on Saturday, you should check out Chi-Hi's home show!
5 - 11 PM (Chi-Hi goes on at 8:45ish)
$7 adults/$5 students (children admitted free)
@ Chi-Hi (obviously).

The music program is moving forward and I know it'll be a great show, but I think our past is on everyone's minds. I'm sure there will be lots of ups and downs this week. Within one week we'll have our home show, the one-year anniversary of the accident, and then the competition after which the accident happened (this year it's on my birthday). I think our final competition will be the hardest day - all the good memories from last year mixed with memories of the horrible thing that happened afterwards.

On Wednesday TV-13 did a news special about us and interviewed several people at Chi-Hi (including C and Andrei). Sunday's Leader Telegram will feature a one-year follow-up. I lit a fire under the Spectator writers' butts, so they will probably do an article on Monday. I'm guessing the media will probably show up to at least one of our upcoming competitions. I'm hoping they won't, but I'm just expecting it so I won't be caught off-guard and be upset by their presence.

The band has been doing pretty well. Their scores haven't been the best, but I think they sound good. I feel like everything hasn't quite "clicked" yet, but I bet it'll happen this weekend. The other bands have been incredibly supportive of us, so that's cool.

It has been cold and a little snowy in Wisconsin. I just looked at the weather forecast, and you know you're in WI when it's going to be 27 one night and 58 the next day. I have definitely been feeling the weather change in my leg/knee/foot/whatever. It sucks. I still have some painkillers from my knee surgery, and I'm finding myself using them more for my ankle & foot sometimes than for my knee. I'm already thinking spring......

Let me know if you're planning on going to one of the competitions. I'm looking forward to seeing people!

10.08.2006



news flash



gimp jokes = old.

10.05.2006



marching band, classes, vacation



Chi-Hi's first marching competition came and went, and I think they played pretty well. I haven't seen the scores, but I don't really need to. I think we've made as much or more progress than we usually have by this point in the season. The competition was a nice chance to see people I haven't seen for a while (sorry I didn't get a chance to talk to you, Bryan!). A handful of parent chaperones came with us on Saturday's trip, and they all asked me how I'm doing. It's nice to have so much help & support for the kids and our staff.

As I said in my last post, we took a bus to the Irondale competition last weekend. I think being on a bus was hard on all of us, but we got through it okay, and now we have that first bus ride behind us. It was a little hard for me because I ended up sitting by myself behind the rest of the staff, and I hadn't expected that. I think some people thought I was being a diva because I didn't want to sit by myself, but it wasn't that. If I were a diva, I wouldn't have stepped on that bus in the first place. I was just hoping I'd have people to talk to so I could be distracted. It was okay though because Raji came and sat with me for the rest of the way. Anyway, I'm proud of myself for getting on the bus - I certainly didn't HAVE to go along (I could have driven separately), but I wanted to show myself I could do it.

Physically, the weekend was very hard on me. It was frustrating because I did everything I could - I sat with my leg elevated as much as possible, used my crutches, didn't go long distances, took painkillers, etc. but it wasn't enough. It took me a few days to recover from our one-day trip. I was worried that I messed up my knee more or took a step backwards in my recovery, and in a way I kind of did. Last week during physical therapy I could bend my knee to 120 degrees. This week I could only go to 112, but with some more work I eventually got it to 120. So I guess it didn't really get worse, it just didn't improve at all. I'm worried about this weekend because it's a two-day trip. Oh well, I guess I'll just try and rest as much as possible. I feel like I'm pushing myself too much, but my doctor did say I can go on these trips.

So... on to some more positive topics. I really enjoy the classes I'm taking this semester. I'm taking a Meso-American art history class, Baroque counterpoint, percussion ensemble, and percussion lessons (seven credits total). They're all upper-level classes, so it's enough to keep me interested but not enough to be overwhelming. Dr. Crowell just lent me a new piece to work on for marimba, and I'm starting to work on a Chopin scherzo on piano. I really wish I could still take piano lessons. I've finished my eight-semester requirement, and now I'm on a waiting list to take lessons. Hopefully I'll be able to take lessons next semester. I'm kind of sad because both of the applied piano teachers I had (Cecchini and Dossin) aren't at UWEC anymore. Anyway, I can learn this piece on my own, but it's nice to have someone to check in with every week.

I think I'm going to be in a Leader-Telegram article soon. I got a call today from one of their reporters, and he did a short interview. He's doing a follow-up on some of us since the one year mark is coming up. I might end up in a Spectator article, too. One of their writers did a phone interview with me for an article on campus accessibility (which was awful, by the way) and I asked him if they were planning on doing a follow-up about the bus accident. He asked, "Oh, is that the accident where a UWEC student died?" I mentioned that, in addition, myself and four other students were injured, and there was a long pause as he absorbed that information. Of course he had no way of knowing that, since the Speculator didn't give us more than a quick mention in one article. I think they were too busy writing narcissistic fluff.

In other news, I am finally going on VACATION!!!! If you read this blog regularly, you probably know how badly I want to go on vacation. It's been one hell of a year, and I just need to go somewhere and get away from it all. In early January I'll be going on a cruise to Mexico with my parents, Raji, Dan, & Tenley. Yay!

I think that's about it. I had more, but it's late and I'm tired. Anyway, thanks for reading. It's flattering that people want to know what's going on in my life.

9.24.2006



buses



I used to think of marching band whenever I caught a whiff of diesel fuel. There was no better feeling than climbing onto a warm bus after a morning rehearsal, and being on our way to a marching band competition.

Now, whenever I get close to a bus, I just feel like throwing up.

When you stop to think about it, it's kind of amazing that every day, people all across the world get into cars, buses, and trains without thinking twice about it. We trust that these huge vessels of metal and glass will get us from point A to point B without incident. And we have to trust that; otherwise nobody would ever travel and nothing would ever get done.

Saturday is our first marching band competition of the season. It's the first time since the accident that I'll be on a bus. I know nothing bad is going to happen. But it's going to be hard sitting in that bus and NOT thinking about what those seats and overhead compartments could do to me - what they did do to me during my last bus ride.

I know that I'll be okay. I didn't really even want to be in cars after the accident, but I got over that. I had appointments almost daily, half an hour away from where I was living, sometimes over snowy/icy roads. To make things even more difficult, I couldn't drive for four months after the accident, so I had to re-learn to trust other drivers. I still like driving more than I like being a passenger (and I'll probably be like that for the rest of my life thanks to the accident), but I know that after enough time on a bus, I'll get used to it. I might not be comfortable with it, but I'll be okay.

In any case, I'll probably need some extra hugs this week. Getting on that bus is probably going to be one of the hardest things I'll ever do, but I know I'll be a stronger person because of it.

9.21.2006



it's heavy on my mind



Today Raji and I met with one of the professors in the music department, since we're going to be doing a project for him. We ended up talking about the accident for half an hour or so. As it turns out, this professor was coming home from a gig that night and happened to be right behind our bus. He was on the scene shortly after some of the emergency responders showed up, and he was wandering around looking for a way to help. He saw me, but I don't think he reconized me at the time. I could go on and on talking about what he saw, but this blog probably isn't the place for it. It's amazing how long you can put something out of your mind, and then with one short conversation, it all comes rushing back.

Along those same lines, in just over a week I will have to get on a bus again as I go with the band to their first competition. It's something I haven't thought about much, but I can tell you I'm not looking forward to it and it's going to be an extremely difficult day for me.

Anyway, school = same old. I missed my percussion lesson yesterday because if I was really sore. I don't even know what I'm going to do in lessons this semester. I was working on a really cool marimba piece, but it involves a lot of moving around, so it'll probably be a few weeks before I can work on it again.

My knee has been really sore/achy all week. I think it's because I've been getting out and doing things. The weather doesn't help, either. My athletic trainer told me my knee is starting to absorb the bruising in my knee, so I feel it more now, or something like that. Speaking of my athletic trainer, he measured my extension at two degrees (so that means I'm two degrees from having my leg straight). That's two more degrees since last week. Cool.

9.19.2006



tired babbling



I went back to class yesterday. I had one class and then my mom took me grocery shopping, and then I had enough time to take a quick nap and shower before going to percussion ensemble rehearsal. It doesn't sound like much but I'm really tired today. Today I had one class in the morning, then my mom took me to breakfast, and we went to pick up my prescription for more percocet. It was really annoying - there was some miscommunication between the nurse and me as to where the prescription would be, so it took an hour or so to finally get the pills. Luckily I didn't need them right away. When I got home, I was able to take a long nap, and then showered and went to drumline rehearsal at Chi-Hi. Despite my nap today I'm completely exhausted now. Unfortunately I have to study for a test in my counterpoint class tomorrow.

I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. I think I need to take it easy for the next few days. I probably didn't take enough time off from classes. My doctor said I would need up to two weeks off, and I only took six days. I thought it wouldn't be so bad because I'm only doing classes part-time. Oh well, it'll get easier. Right now I'm just worried about my counterpoint test. I think I'll do fine because music theory is my best subject, but I'll be tired and on painkillers and more likely to make stupid mistakes.

I've been feeling better every day, but not so much today. For some reason I was in a lot of pain this morning, but I went to class anyway. I think today was different because until now, I've naturally been waking up early, then I take a painkiller and go back to sleep for a bit. I didn't do that today - I just woke up before class and then took a painkiller, so it didn't have time to take effect before I was up and moving around. It's hard to manage pain once it gets out of control, but I was feeling better a few hours later. It helps that my mom took me to Norske Nook (at Northwoods) for breakfast. Anyway, this sort of pain is nothing like what I was feeling in those few months after the accident, but it's still no fun.

That's it for now. Wish me luck on my test :)



tired babbling



I went back to class yesterday. I had one class and then went grocery shopping, and then I had enough time to take a quick nap and shower before going to percussion ensemble rehearsal. It doesn't sound like much but I'm really tired today. Today I had one class in the morning, then my mom took me to breakfast, and we went to pick up my prescription for more percocet. It was really annoying - there was some miscommunication between the nurse and me as to where the prescription would be, so it took an hour or so to finally get the pills. Luckily I didn't need them right away. When I got home, I was able to take a long nap, and then showered and went to drumline rehearsal at Chi-Hi. Despite my nap today I'm completely exhausted now. Unfortunately I have to study for a test in my counterpoint class tomorrow.

I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. I think I need to take it easy for the next few days. I probably didn't take enough time off from classes. My doctor said I would need up to two weeks off, and I only took six days. I thought it wouldn't be so bad because I'm only doing classes part-time. Oh well, it'll get easier. Right now I'm just worried about my counterpoint test. I think I'll do fine because music theory is my best subject, but I'll be tired and on painkillers and more likely to make stupid mistakes.

I've been feeling better every day, but not so much today. For some reason I was in a lot of pain this morning, but I went to class anyway. I think today was different because until now, I've naturally been waking up early, then I take a painkiller and go back to sleep for a bit. I didn't do that today - I just woke up before class and then took a painkiller, so it didn't have time to take effect before I was up and moving around. It's hard to manage pain once it gets out of control, but I was feeling better a few hours later. It helps that my mom took me to Norske Nook (at Northwoods) for breakfast. Anyway, this sort of pain is nothing like what I was feeling in those few months after the accident, but it's still no fun.

That's it for now. Wish me luck on my test :)

9.18.2006




I took this picture at the Stonesthrow last week. It would have been better if there were people in the picture, but then they would have been blurry because it was kind of a long shutter speed. It looks a little out-of-focus, but the original isn't. Anyway, I just like the colors in it.

9.14.2006



ACL surgery isn't so bad.



Okay, I shouldn't say that - ACL surgery sucks bigtime, but not as much as some of the other surgeries I've had. I'm just talking about post-operative pain, though. The recovery from this surgery will be longer than the last few I've had. From what I'd heard from some people (including my surgeon's nurse), I thought the pain from this surgery was going to be absolutely horrible. I think it helps that I received donor tissue, so instead of my knee trying to recover from the harvest site AND from the graft, I'm just recovering from the graft. Anyway, I'm doing pretty well so far. I had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon this morning to have my bandages removed and check my range of motion. My knee is swollen, but not as bad as it was after my meniscus surgery.

After my doctor's appointment, I went to physical therapy. I met with a therapist I haven't seen before. She measured my knee at 92 degrees (bent) and 4 degrees (straight - basically that means I'm 4 degrees from having my leg totally straight). I'm really proud of myself, because I'm remembering back to the recovery from all my other surgeries, and how much trouble I had with knee stiffness in the first four or five months following the accident. With the help of my dad, I used to do physical therapy exercises for 90 mins or more every day, and would gain only a degree or so of motion every week. My body tends to make scar tissue quickly, so I had to work hard to regain motion before my knee became permanently stiff. I had to break up a lot of scar tissue, which is not pleasant. Anyway, I wasn't very impressed by the physical therapist I saw today. Since she didn't work with me earlier on, she didn't see first-hand how hard of a time I had and how hard I worked. So basically I was subjected to lots of lectures today about the need to get my knee straight. Thanks, I know. I was hoping she'd be more encouraging. I think I'm doing really well so far.

My allergies have been giving me trouble lately. It sucks because my allergies make me sleepy, and I'm on painkillers, so I've been asleep more than I've been awake these past couple days.

I'm pretty sick of the painkillers. They make me feel nauseated. I used to have that problem with Vicodin but not so much with Percocet, but now apparently I can't even handle the Percocet. Luckily I got a prescription for some anti-nausea meds, so hopefully that will help.

I've noticed that after you have more than a few surgeries, people don't visit much anymore :( I'm still in pain (and bored), and it would cheer me up to see people!

9.12.2006



surgery #7



surgery went fine

i'm sore.

9.10.2006



9/11



I hope you like the new look - it's definitely more "me."

Anyway, it's September 11th - 5 years later (ignore what the date on my post says - for some reason I'm on Pacific time). The dates 9/11 and 10/16 will always be etched in my life - 9/11 just because I was an American who lived through that day. To mark the occasion, here is an article from the satirical newspaper The Onion.

Also, here are some Ani Difranco lyrics. She tends to ramble, but I think her song "Self-Evident" is powerful anyway.

"us people are just poems
we're 90% metaphor
with a leanness of meaning
approaching hyper-distillation
and once upon a time
we were moonshine
rushing down the throat of a giraffe
yes, rushing down the long hallway
despite what the p.a. announcement says
yes, rushing down the long stairs
with the whiskey of eternity
fermented and distilled
to eighteen minutes
burning down our throats
down the hall
down the stairs
in a building so tall
that it will always be there
yes, it's part of a pair
there on the bow of noah's ark
the most prestigious couple
just kickin back parked
against a perfectly blue sky
on a morning beatific
in its indian summer breeze
on the day that america
fell to its knees
after strutting around for a century
without saying thank you
or please

and the shock was subsonic
and the smoke was deafening
between the setup and the punch line
cuz we were all on time for work that day
we all boarded that plane for to fly
and then while the fires were raging
we all climbed up on the windowsill
and then we all held hands
and jumped into the sky

and every borough looked up when it heard the first blast
and then every dumb action movie was summarily surpassed
and the exodus uptown by foot and motorcar
looked more like war than anything i've seen so far
so far
so far
so fierce and ingenious
a poetic specter so far gone
that every jackass newscaster was struck dumb and stumbling
over 'oh my god' and 'this is unbelievable' and on and on
and i'll tell you what, while we're at it
you can keep the pentagon
keep the propaganda
keep each and every tv
that's been trying to convince me
to participate
in some prep school punk's plan to perpetuate retribution
perpetuate retribution
even as the blue toxic smoke of our lesson in retribution
is still hanging in the air
and there's ash on our shoes
and there's ash in our hair
and there's a fine silt on every mantle
from hell's kitchen to brooklyn
and the streets are full of stories
sudden twists and near misses
and soon every open bar is crammed to the rafters
with tales of narrowly averted disasters
and the whiskey is flowin
like never before
as all over the country
folks just shake their heads
and pour

so here's a toast to all the folks who live in palestine
afghanistan
iraq

el salvador

here's a toast to the folks living on the pine ridge reservation
under the stone cold gaze of mt. rushmore

here's a toast to all those nurses and doctors
who daily provide women with a choice
who stand down a threat the size of oklahoma city
just to listen to a young woman's voice

here's a toast to all the folks on death row right now
awaiting the executioner's guillotine
who are shackled there with dread and can only escape into their heads
to find peace in the form of a dream

cuz take away our playstations
and we are a third world nation
under the thumb of some blue blood royal son
who stole the oval office and that phony election
i mean
it don't take a weatherman
to look around and see the weather
jeb said he'd deliver florida, folks
and boy did he ever

and we hold these truths to be self evident:
#1 george w. bush is not president
#2 america is not a true democracy
#3 the media is not fooling me
cuz i am a poem heeding hyper-distillation
i've got no room for a lie so verbose
i'm looking out over my whole human family
and i'm raising my glass in a toast

here's to our last drink of fossil fuels
let us vow to get off of this sauce
shoo away the swarms of commuter planes
and find that train ticket we lost
cuz once upon a time the line followed the river
and peeked into all the backyards
and the laundry was waving
the graffiti was teasing us
from brick walls and bridges
we were rolling over ridges
through valleys
under stars
i dream of touring like duke ellington
in my own railroad car
i dream of waiting on the tall blonde wooden benches
in a grand station aglow with grace
and then standing out on the platform
and feeling the air on my face

give back the night its distant whistle
give the darkness back its soul
give the big oil companies the finger finally
and relearn how to rock-n-roll
yes, the lessons are all around us and a change is waiting there
so it's time to pick through the rubble, clean the streets
and clear the air
get our government to pull its big dick out of the sand
of someone else's desert
put it back in its pants
and quit the hypocritical chants of
freedom forever

cuz when one lone phone rang
in two thousand and one
at ten after nine
on nine one one
which is the number we all called
when that lone phone rang right off the wall
right off our desk and down the long hall
down the long stairs
in a building so tall
that the whole world turned
just to watch it fall



and while we're at it
remember the first time around?
the bomb?
the ryder truck?
the parking garage?
the princess that didn't even feel the pea?
remember joking around in our apartment on avenue D?

can you imagine how many paper coffee cups would have to change their design
following a fantastical reversal of the new york skyline?!

it was a joke, of course
it was a joke
at the time
and that was just a few years ago
so let the record show
that the FBI was all over that case
that the plot was obvious and in everybody's face
and scoping that scene
religiously
the CIA
or is it KGB?
committing countless crimes against humanity
with this kind of eventuality
as its excuse
for abuse after expensive abuse
and it didn't have a clue
look, another window to see through
way up here
on the 104th floor
look
another key
another door
10% literal
90% metaphor
3000 some poems disguised as people
on an almost too perfect day
should be more than pawns
in some asshole's passion play
so now it's your job
and it's my job
to make it that way
to make sure they didn't die in vain
sshhhhhh....
baby listen
hear the train?"

9.09.2006

psst... hey.. I updated my website again. Check it out if you want.

9.06.2006



my name is amy and i am a super-duper senior



Does anyone happen to have a list of the rules G used to teach in AP music theory at Chi-Hi? I'm taking Baroque Counterpoint this semester (which involves part-writing) and, oops, I forgot the rules. And they don't really teach them in college. So... if anyone has those, could you email them to me? :)

Other than that, I don't have a whole lot to write about - just trying to get back into the swing of things. It's weird for me because I'm only taking classes part-time again this semester, and I'm getting ready to have another surgery. I realized that I haven't had a "normal" semester since the accident, and I probably won't for the rest of my time at UWEC. I feel like everything I was used to was ripped away from me, and it just hasn't been the same since. I guess that just proves you shouldn't take anything for granted. It could completely change unexpectedly. As far as the music department goes, I think I'm "out of the loop" now - not socially, but I think I'm missing out on opportunities that I would have gotten otherwise. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but that's okay. I just feel so disoriented because I'm older than almost everyone else in the department, and everyone else was gearing up for school, but I'm gearing up for my next surgery. Everyone else is thinking about class schedules and upcoming recitals, and I'm thinking about how long I'm going to be on crutches.

Anyway, surgery #7. Tuesday. Fun times.

9.05.2006



first day of school



I should be starting grad school today. Instead, I'm starting my sixth year as an undergrad. I know I'm lucky that I'm only a year behind, and that I can still go to grad school eventually. And I have a good reason, so I shouldn't feel completely lame for not having a degree. But it's frustrating anyway.

9.02.2006



photos



I love living so close to the bike trail. Ali and I went on a short walk yesterday and I took some pictures - I'll have to go back and do it again when the leaves start changing color. I don't have Photoshop on my computer right now, so the photos are a little dark and have too much cyan.

We passed a pile of snow. You know you're in Wisconsin when you see snow in early September.... Actually, it was just a bunch of ice behind the ice arena.


This is by my house. The sign lights up at night and looks like Vegas. It kind of freaks me out.


Behold, the bike trail.






8.31.2006



hey fellow music geeks



Finale or Sibelius?

8.28.2006



bum knee



Today I was at the gym, using the leg press (as recommended by my athletic trainer), and my knee started feeling weird. I rested for a bit, then tried it again, and then I got sharp pains in my knee and it locked. I was able to get the platform back on the dock thing, but it took a few seconds before I could bend my knee again. That's the first time anything like that has happened. I should probably try to get a hold of my knee doc tomorrow to let him know about it.

I'm thinking I should get back into physical therapy, too. My doctor told me I don't need PT anymore as long as I can do everything on my own. But lately my workouts have been frustrating. I'm so weak, and I'm beginning to realize how long it's going to take to make a full recovery (not to mention the giant set-back I'm going to experience after ACL reconstruction). It might be nice to see my athletic trainer again so he can help me stay positive... and so I can have someone supervise me while trying the leg press again.

It seems like it's just been a bad week for my knee. It's been bothering me because I was on my feet a lot last week, and then I went on a few short bike rides, which made it hurt more. But "no pain, no gain", right? (As long as it doesn't involve my knee locking, anyway.)

I feel like I'm in kind of a funk lately. Maybe it's because another marching season is underway, I don't know. It seems like everyone else who was on that bus feels the same way. Or maybe not, I don't know, that's just what I sensed.

Enjoy the last bit of summer, everyone... :(

8.25.2006



this one time, at band camp



This week Chi-Hi had their band camp, so I've been spending a lot of time there. It has been mentally, physically (and sometimes emotionally) draining. I think camp went well though. We reached all our goals for the band, and the students were able to keep a positive attitude throughout. I'm feeling a lot more confident now about this season. Wednesday night we had a sleep-over at the school. It was like a whole band slumber party. It was pretty fun - there were movies, snacks, etc.

Monday night I finally finished writing all the music for my section. It still hasn't really hit me that I'm done - I've been too busy to enjoy any free time. I think my students like the music, which is good because I spent a lot of time on it!

I think I can speak for everyone on staff when I say that G and Branden weren't far from our minds this week. We've all had to step up and take on more responsibilities this year. I miss having G around to take charge (though Collicott is doing a great job), and I miss joking around with Branden. After Tuesday's rehearsal a few of us stopped at Harmony Courtyard to look at the murals on the wall and share some memories.

Camp went well, but I'm glad it's over. I've been in a lot of pain the past few days. I tried to sit down as much as possible at rehearsals, but I ended up having to walk around a lot, and I didn't really get any chances to rest & elevate my leg. As a result, everything is swollen & aching, especially my knee and the joint where I dislocated my foot. I've discovered that painkillers work okay for post-op pain, but they don't do much for bad aches. I've been told that I don't do a very good job of letting people know when I'm in pain. That's probably true, but I feel like people don't listen to me when I do mention that I'm sore. And I don't want to complain about it. I think people were comparing me to Collicott, who was on his feet a lot. If he can do it, then I can too, right? Well, most of my injuries were to my leg, while his were throughout his body. And I think he was probably pushing himself a little too hard - I know he was in a lot of pain too. Anyway, now I have time to rest for a few days, so that should help.

This week I got sick of my knee giving out all the time, so I finally called my knee doctor to arrange a time for my ACL surgery. I decided on mid-September. I'm going to have to work hard to build up some more strength before the surgery. I wish I didn't have to do it so soon before all the marching band competitions, but mid-September just turned out to be the best time for it (and by "best time", I mean "least bad time"). This way at least I don't have to worry about getting behind in classwork later in the semester when it would be harder to catch up. The deciding factor for me was that I'm going to take a very light class load this semester. It makes more sense to have the surgery early in the semester and spend the rest of the time recovering so that I'll be as strong as possible before going back to school full-time in the spring. Also, I really just want to get my knee fixed and finally get a chance to recover as much as possible.

Lately I feel like my recovery has hit a plateau. Summer is almost over, and I still can't do all the things I couldn't do when summer started. My ankle/knee/leg hasn't been feeling any better. Maybe my progress is just so slow now that I don't notice small differences. I think that at this point in my recovery, building my strength & endurance is the only thing that is going to make any difference (besides getting my ACL fixed), and that's a slow process. As far as the pain goes, I'm hoping it will start to fade eventually.

8.16.2006



this is what is new with me



As I mentioned in my last post, I just got home from a weekend in Illinois. It was fun but a LOT of driving. All the tollbooths we encountered were under construction. I got to learn the joys of driving a manual in a stop-and-go traffic jam that lasted almost an hour. Fun times.

Everything else about the trip was fun, though. We got down there just in time for my family's BBQ on Saturday. I was a little disappointed that there were only about six entries in the contest this year, but there was still plenty of food, and it was all really good. I voted for my dad's yummy cuban pork, but ultimately it was my uncle's pesto-and-asparagus-stuffed flank steak that won.

It was really nice to see my family again. I think we all decided that we've had our share of bad luck in the past year or so. I got hurt in the accident, My grandma has been sick (though she seems to be doing a little better now), one of my aunts broke her neck, one of my uncles had surgery on his stomach or something, and most recently, one of my uncles had a stroke (but he'll be okay). Hopefully we're due for some better luck now.

After everyone stuffed their faces with BBQ, we set up Raji's drumset and a bunch of guitars and had a jam session. I played a while on my Rhodes piano, which made me happy because I miss it. It's been hanging out in IL because it's such a hassle to move it anywhere. My aunt & uncle are hosting an exchange student from Chile, who played guitar with us too. He's good, and it's always cool when music can bridge a cultural gap.

Sunday's to-do list included Portillo's Italian beef sandwiches for lunch and some Chicago pizza for dinner. We did other stuff too but it was secondary to food. It's probably a good thing I don't live down there - I would gain a lot of weight!

We got up early Monday morning to get back in time for rehearsal at Chi-Hi. Rehearsals have been going pretty well, although I'm finding I have no patience for some of the attitudes I've encountered. Maybe I'm just getting old. Anyway, Ryan and I wrote up some stuff for the kids to play during the intro of the drum feature. That one was a challenge for me because the wind parts didn't lend themselves easily to mallet parts, but I fixed that problem by having the kids play other instruments instead. I have to write out music for the closer over the weekend. I don't think I'll have too much trouble with that one, since Andrei let me borrow the score for the concert band arrangement. Also, about a decade ago that same piece was part of Chi-Hi's marching show. Ryan, Sazama and I dug out G's arrangement of the music, and after looking through it, I have a better idea of what to do.

Speaking of G, I went down to Harmony Courtyard a few days ago with Ryan and Sazama on our way to lunch. The courtyard used to be an abandoned lot between two buildings on Bridge Street (which is the main drag downtown). Now it's been turned into a nice little park, flanked by new murals depicting some of the town's history. A large portion of one of the murals (the wall area most visible from the street) is dedicated to the marching band. It was compiled from a few different photos - the main one is of G walking in front of the band before one of the competitions a couple years ago. All the other people who were killed in the accident are on there, too. It's kind of weird to see the band on the murals that otherwise depict the town's history. It reminded me how much of an impact the accident had on the community. It has already become part of the town's history, and not just because it was painted on some wall.

8.15.2006



short and sweet



Today I got home from a great weekend in Illinois. I realized I haven't done a substantial update in a while. I'll do that soon. :)

8.06.2006



updation



So... I was three or four paragraphs into a new blog entry and then a fuse died here at Raji's house. Sigh...

I went to see my knee surgeon last week, and we talked about my upcoming ACL surgery. We decided fall semester would be a good time to do it. So now I'm trying to decide between early September or mid-November. Neither time is very convenient, but I can't really help that. September is busy due to marching band stuff, and I don't want to miss classes at the beginning of the semester, because it could make me get off to a bad start. November is bad because I'll miss a few days of class earlier in the month because I'm going to a convention, so I don't want to miss more school. And it might be stressful to have a surgery that late in the semester. My surgeon told me I'll be on crutches for about four weeks, and I'll probably have to miss at least a week of school. Any advice is welcome...

My surgeon talked to me a bit about the procedure. He's going to use donor material to reconstruct my ACL. It's common for surgeons to make a graft from the patient's patellar tendon, but I guess my tendon isn't in very good shape anymore, so I don't have enough to spare. He could use the tendon from my other knee, but he said he doesn't see the point in potentially damaging a knee that's otherwise fine. The donor material should work just fine though. My surgeon told me that, as a result of the accident, I'll end up having arthritis in my knee at a relatively young age. I knew that already, but it was pretty sobering to hear that coming from him.

I think I've sort of reached another milestone - I'm done with physical therapy (until after my ACL surgery). Everything I was doing at PT, I already do on my own. I've been spending more time at the gym lately. It's nice to be able to work out at home, but I'm at the point where I need to work on building strength - something that's easier to do at the gym. My knee surgeon said he's proud of me for how far I've come in my recovery. He was surprised at how much motion I've already regained in my knee.

In other news, today I finished writing mallet parts for the first two pieces of Chi-Hi's marching show. I've spent countless hours on it so far. It takes me forever to write music, especially when I'm writing six individual parts. Tomorrow is the first August rehearsal, and I'm hoping my whole section shows up so I can actually hear what the music sounds like.

7.30.2006



by the way, pt. II



Some of Stenner's stuff made it onto this site! That's my piano stuff, the antler lamp belongs to Dan & Tenley, and the fish table belongs to my parents. Yay!

Oh, Stenner made me a new record lamp, and you should come over and see it. It's awesome.

7.29.2006



by the way



My site hasn't been working for a while (due to some server issues Raji was having), but now it's back up and running. :)

7.25.2006



weighing my options



I've been talking with my mom about when to have my ACL surgery. I think she would like me to take part-time classes for the next couple semesters so I can have the surgery done in the fall (and not have a full load of classes while I'm recovering). I guess that would be good because it would make next semester a little less stressful. It will already be stressful and busy with Chi-Hi marching band stuff, and I'll be applying for grad schools, and taking 16 or 17 credits (which, for a music major, is like eleventy billion classes). If I cut the class load in half, that would be a lot better. I would have to worry about insurance and student loans and stuff, but I might be able to sort that out.

Today I heard that the trial got pushed back because we're still waiting on the NTSB review. Instead of being in December, the trial will be in March or sometime after that. I guess that's okay, since I don't have to worry about the trial falling during finals week. I hope it doesn't get pushed back too far though - I think the DA said it could be delayed by up to two years. I wish we could just get the trial behind us, but if the DA wants more time in order to understand the case better, then it's probably better to wait.

Warning: boring music theory stuff
I've come up with some ideas for the mallet parts for the second piece in Chi-Hi's marching show. I've been listening to the original recording (thanks Erik) so I can get a better feel for the music. It's in a different key than the score our band is using, which is a pain in the ass, but expected. I spent a short time in the practice rooms before they closed today and scribbled my ideas on paper. I got home and was ready to write the parts, and realized that the bass note of the marimba part, when transposed, is too low (by two keys) for the range of Chi-Hi's marimba. I can take it up an octave, but I really wanted a full bass sound from the marimba. I can use a different chord voicing, but it won't sound as good. I'm kind of stumped at the moment and I'm not going to write any parts out until I can get back to the marimba and try some other things out. I could write out some parts for the other instruments, but I was kind of going to base them all on the marimba part, so I might end up changing the other parts too. Basically I'm going to wait until tomorrow before I put much work into it, because I have a feeling I'd just end up re-writing everything.

7.23.2006



uphill battle



I went to see my ankle doctor on Wednesday, and now my stitches are FINALLY out. Unless my ankle starts bothering me again, I won't have to go back to that doctor anymore. That's a big step, considering he's the doctor that dealt with my foot, ankle, fibula, and femur - and did five of my surgeries. I have a feeling I'll be back to see him at some point, but for now this is progress.

Now I just have to get my ACL fixed. I made an appointment with my knee doctor, but the earliest he could see me is in the first week of August. I was planning on having that surgery done this summer yet, but reality has started to set in. The earliest I could probably get in to have surgery would be the second or third week of August. My athletic trainer told me I'd probably be on crutches for about four weeks after the surgery. Not only is August a busy month with marching band, but I'm scheduled to take photos at someone's wedding in early September and I can't be on crutches for that. And I don't want to start yet another semester of school while still recovering from surgery. As I see it, I have a few options: I could have the surgery done in August anyway, but for the reasons I just pointed out, that probably wouldn't be the best choice. As much as I just want to be done with surgeries and fully start my recovery, I don't think I can do it in August. Another option is to wait until January or sometime after that. I'll graduate in December, so I'll have plenty of time to rest and recover from surgery. The downside is that I wouldn't be able to work full-time for a while afterwards, so I would be poor and uninsured (my surgery will be covered, but I don't want to go without insurance). My other option is to take classes part time over the next two semesters, and delay my graduation YET AGAIN. If I'm only taking classes part-time, I could have surgery whenever, and still deal with my small class load. But then there's the insurance problem again. Basically there is no good option, and I'm sick of my life being fucked up from the accident. I just want to move on, and do normal things again, like go snowboarding. Or go on a vacation. Since October, my (short-term) future has constantly been up in the air because I'm never sure when my next surgery will be. I wish I could close this chapter of my life.

Anyway, rant over. In good news, enough time has passed since my last surgery that I can start going to the gym again. Before the accident I went to the gym regularly, and I was always trying to strengthen this or that. I was happy with myself, but that didn't stop me from trying to improve my overall health. Now I realize how much I took it for granted. I am so weak now that I can barely do anything. But I know that I shouldn't take my current strength for granted, either. I'm so much better than I was back in November or December. And I still notice an improvement from week to week.

A lot of people have been asking me lately about the long-term effects I'll have from my injuries. I really don't know. That's something my doctors don't talk about. It's interesting that people who have a small amount of medical knowledge are quick to tell you what they think your long-term effects will be. However, people who've had a lot of medical training refrain from saying anything about patients' futures. I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see what happens.

I don't know if I've mentioned it on here, but I'm working on writing music for the students I teach in marching band. It hasn't been going very well so far. It takes me a long time to write music. Especially when I have a lot of stuff on my mind, which as you can probably tell, I do now. I'll get the music finished soon enough.

I realized that my blog posts tend to be kind of negative sometimes, but that's because this is my outlet. If I write it all down on here and get my complaining out of the way, then it's not on my mind quite as much. At least that's what I like to believe. Anyway, I write this blog mostly for accident-related reasons, so it's bound to be negative. There aren't many positive things I can say about what happened.

7.17.2006



i updated!



I finally updated my webpage. It was too hot to do anything else today.
Please check it out!

7.13.2006



summer?



I am so frustrated right now, but this blog is not the place to vent about it. Basically I just can't believe that people expect so much from me right now. And I'm frustrated with my current state because I can't do everything I want to do. Normally it wouldn't be an issue, but I don't think people realize that I'm still weak, I'm still in pain, and I still have another surgery ahead of me. The last thing I need is more stress. If you're reading this, don't worry about it, I'm not talking about you.

Speaking of that other surgery, I'm still waiting to find out when it will be. I meet with my ankle doc next week to have x-rays taken and have my stitches taken out, and then I'll have to make an appointment with my knee doctor, and he and I will talk about when the best time will be for him to fix my ACL. Unfortunately I doubt it will happen before August. That's bad because August is a really busy time for me with marching band and stuff. I don't know how long it will take to recover from the next surgery, but I know the recovery time will be longer than the past few surgeries I've had.

I need a vacation.

7.10.2006



summer



Well, I guess it's been a while since I've done a substantive update. This have been going pretty well here, but I'm sick of not having any energy. I usually have enough energy to work out and then I'm tired for the rest of the day. Today I was able to walk around the mall a little bit, so I guess it's getting better. Maybe tomorrow I'll try going for a walk on the bike trail. I wish I could enjoy my summer by doing something other than sitting around.

I've been pretty sore, but that's been getting a little better too. Sometimes when I sit down or stand up I get really bad pain below my kneecap - that must be where the rod went through when they took it out. It hurt a lot after surgery but now it only bothers me sometimes. My femur aches sometimes too, more than it did before surgery. It will take a while before the bone fills in and becomes strong again.

The drumline rehearsal (a couple weeks ago) went fairly well. The next rehearsal is on Thursday. I realized that I'll have to write most or all of the show music for my section. That came as a surprise to me, but I think it will turn out okay. I'm feeling a little stressed though because of that lack of energy I mentioned earlier, and because I still have another surgery coming up soon. I usually write music out by hand and it takes me forever. I'd use Finale (notation software), but I don't know the program very well so I'd probably end up frustrated and wasting more valuable time.

Speaking of computers, my hard drive is going to die. It's annoying. I can use my computer for 20 minutes or so and then it locks up and the hard drive starts clicking. When I restart, sometimes my computer can't find the hard drive. I'll have to give Dell a call when I have patience. Luckily I've had a chance to back up all my important stuff. Good thing I'm not using Finale to write those parts...

In sad news, today I learned that Joe G., a vocal major here at UWEC, passed away. He had muscular dystrophy and was wheelchair-bound, and had heart complications as a result of his MD. I didn't know Joe very well but he was always such an inspiration to me, especially during those months I spent in a wheelchair. It seemed like he never let his disability hold him back. He was very intelligent and talented, and I'll miss seeing him around the Fine Arts building.

7.07.2006



look how long my hair is!



This is part of my hair that was shaved back in October. It's like 4" now. Sorry for the crappy cell pic quality.

7.05.2006



i like this quote



"Don't think I am strong. It is just that I don't allow myself to be fragile, for I know I will break."
- Madame Mao Zedong

7.02.2006



This stuff used to be in my leg. Not the pen though, that's there for scale.

6.28.2006



blah blah stuff



Good news to report: I pretty much have my full range of motion back in my knee (or as good as it was before surgery anyway), and the swelling seems to have gone down a bit. I've been pretty sore still, but I'm trying to cut back on the painkillers. My stomach feels better but I've been pretty dizzy from the painkillers. Now I just wish I wasn't so exhausted all the time.

The drumline has a rehearsal tomorrow night - it's the first one of the summer that I'll be going to. I'm looking forward to meeting the new kids and digging into the music. I don't feel very prepared though because I don't really know what to expect. I think I have to write some warmups, or maybe they still have the ones I wrote last year, I don't know. I've been too busy to think about it much. I guess after tomorrow's rehearsal I'll know what I need to do as far as writing stuff. I think I might have to write some of the show music, which is kind of stressing me out, but it will be okay. I'll feel better once I look at the music and know what needs to be done yet. I wish I didn't have to have surgery this summer - I'd be a lot more on top of things if that weren't the case.

I think I'm going to give up on writing now. Painkillers = it's hard to make coherent sentences. You should leave me a comment, that would be neat.

6.26.2006



killing time



I'm feeling a little better since my trip to the ER. My stomach hasn't really sorted itself out yet, but at least I'm not as nauseated as I was before. Yesterday I was able to walk a bit without crutches or the walker. I'm still in quite a bit of pain, but walking isn't too bad - it's the worst when I go to sit down or stand up. Today my knee has swelled up a lot, probably since I was walking yesterday. I'm surprised at how much I hurt. When I got the metal taken out of my ankle, it wasn't too bad. I guess it makes sense though because this surgery was more invasive.

I'm annoyed because I had a physical therapy appointment scheduled for 11 this morning. My mom drove to EC to pick me up, since I'm not ready to drive yet, and took me to my appointment. I found out when I checked in that my appointment had been cancelled. I wish I would have been informed of that fact earlier. I guess they sent me a letter, which would have gone to my parents' house, but my mom never saw it. Fortunately they had another appointment open today, which is good because I really need to get in to do some PT. It's a pain in the butt though because my mom and I have been trying to kill some time, and in the meantime my knee is swelling up more and I want to take a nap. I'll probably spend the rest of the day in bed.

In other news, my router needs to be taken out back and shot. My internet connection sucks.

6.24.2006



how raji and i spent our friday night



Well, I ended up going to the ER last night. I kept feeling more and more sick, to the point where I could barely stand up. I got really pale and cold. Raji took me in to the ER, where I was given some anti-nausea medicine. Unfortunately it took them so long to go through my records and everything, by the time I got the medicine down I puked it back up. I felt a little better after that. Then after an eternity, the nurse gave me another anti-nausea pill. She also gave me a prescription to pick up, and then sent us on our way. Raji (best boyfriend ever) took me home to sleep and then went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription, along with some powerade and crackers. He got back over here and I woke up long enough to take an anti-nausea pill and some painkillers. Then I went to sleep (sometime around midnight) and just woke up at 1pm.

I guess the problem was that the painkillers my doctor gave me aren't supposed to be taken together, since they're basically the same thing. When I got those prescriptions before my surgery, I asked my doctor if it was okay to take them at the same time, and he said yes. I probably misunderstood him - it's really confusing. One of the painkillers is a long-lasting version of the other painkiller. I think maybe I was just supposed to take the shorter-lasting ones as needed if I was really in a lot of pain, as opposed to taking it regularly, like I was. I don't think I'm going to take the long-lasting ones anymore, and just use the other ones regularly. So basically I ended up taking too many painkillers because I was confused and I was in a lot of pain. It sucked because the last thing I wanted to do after I got home from the hospital was take another painkiller since I was so sick, but I was in a lot of pain. I ended up waiting until Raji showed up with my anti-nausea medicine and then took painkillers.

Okay this post is long and probably confusing, but that's what happens when I'm sick and in pain and on drugs.

6.23.2006



blah



I was right when I thought today would be bad. I'm in a lot of pain and I'm dealing with nausea too. I slept most of the day, and I'll probably go back to sleep soon. My mom bought me a featherbed topper thing for my futon mattress, so my bed is really comfy now. That's a good thing since I'm spending most of my time in bed. Speaking of which, it's time to lie down.

6.22.2006



six down, one to go



I'm home from surgery! I'm pretty sore but it's not unbearable. It was hard keeping the pain under control when I woke up from the anesthesia, but now it's feeling a little better. Hopefully tomorrow won't be as bad as I think it might be...

The surgery went really well. Apparently when my doctor took the screws out of my knee, the rod pretty much fell out of my femur. The surgery took about half the amount of time my doctor thought it would. I got to take the metal home, and I'll post photos whenever I get around to taking some. I'm really surprised at how long the screws are. It's weird to think they fit in my knee. No wonder they were starting to bother me so much.

I have to use the leg machine again, which I'm not too excited about. Oh well, hopefully I'll regain my knee motion pretty quickly. It's nice having an exercise bike - that will help.

If you get a chance, you should stop by! My mom is paranoid because both of my roommates are out of town for the weekend, and she's worried nobody will be around if there's an emergency, so visitors = really cool. I think Raji will probably be with me when he's not working, so that helps. Yay boyfriend.

6.21.2006



quick update



I got home from Illinois on Sunday. My grandma was released from the hospital that day, and one of my cousins is going to be living with her at least until she's done with radiation. Right now things are working out, and let's hope my grandma continues to recover.

I'm having surgery tomorrow to have some hardware removed from my femur & knee. I think this one isn't going to be too bad, but now I'm a little nervous since my doctor gave me prescriptions for two different pain pills. Also, he wants me to take a mega-dose BEFORE surgery, which he's never asked me to do. I'm remembering how much I hate knee surgery. Time for the stupid leg machine and lots of ice again. Anyway, I should be home sometime tomorrow afternoon, so stop by if you're bored. :)

6.17.2006



update



I'm not very impressed with the hospital my grandma is in. It's huge and pretty and my grandma has about four different doctors, none of whom talk to eacother. They often give us conflicting information. They haven't been able to figure out what's going on with her, so they decided to send her home today. To complicate matters, my dad has a lot of siblings, and they and their spouses all have different ideas about what's been going on. There has been a lot of bickering. I wish I were younger, because I don't want to know what they're arguing about. I'm sick of them asking for my opinion, trying to get me to take a side.

In the meantime, my grandma looks worn out, but otherwise she seems like her usual self. She is not deaf or senile like people assume, and she reminds us of this fact every time she adds something to a hushed-voices conversation people are having about her. One of the doctors put her on blood thinners a few days ago, then another doctor decided her blood was too thin, so yesterday she received a blood transfusion. In good news, the tumor in her lung has shrunk a little.

On to lighter things... I seem to have been put in charge of the dogs while all this is going on. That's okay by me, since they actually listen to me. Well, Felix does anyway. He's actually pretty well-behaved when he wants to be.

Yesterday I went to a Trader Joe's for the first time. I really wish we had one near EC. It's basically a health foods grocery store, and everything is pretty cheap. Before going there, we walked all over downtown Naperville, where there are a lot of little shops and restaurants. I wish I hadn't worn sandals since my ankle is killing me now, but it's too hot to wear regular shoes. Apparently down here summers are called "the furnace" because it's hot and windy. Oh well, at least it's not as sticky as Wisconsin's few weeks of summer.

6.15.2006



scatterbrained



Well, I'm in Illinois now. My grandma is in the hospital for the next few days because she has to have some medicines administered through an IV, but she should be okay. My dad and I stopped at the farmer's market today and picked up her favorite bread and some fresh strawberries for her, so hopefully that will cheer her up a little.

I missed Chi-Hi's first summer drumline rehearsal to come down here today. It's kind of a long story but my mom has been down here the past week helping out, and then my dad and I were going to come down for the weekend. We were planning on going down tomorrow, but the drumline rehearsal was the only thing keeping us from going earlier, and now with my grandma in the hospital I decided it was more important for us to come down here. I wish I could have been at rehearsal, but I'm too stressed out to even think about teaching right now. I like to go into rehearsals with a few specific goals in mind, but I can't think clearly enough right now to even know where to begin.

My next surgery is coming up in a week, which is probably contributing to my stress right now. I know the surgery won't be a big deal. It's just draining to think about the fact that I have to go through recovery again (not even for the last time yet), and it's summer - there are so many better things I could be doing. But now is the best time to have this surgery, and then at least I'll have it out of the way.

There are other things stressing me out right now (like school), but they aren't important right now. When I have a lot of things on my mind, it's hard for me to sort out what matters now and what things I don't have to worry about for a while.

Anyway, things aren't all bad. Illinois is kind of boring so far - I should have brought more books. We're going to see my grandma tomorrow, and maybe I'll feel better after seeing her. Most reports on my grandma come from my mom, who tends to exaggerate, so I'm hoping she isn't as bad as I think.

6.14.2006



i've had better days



Today the defense was granted a change of venue. The trial will be held an hour or so away from EC. I won't go into how I feel about that. I will say, however, that the trial is going to come at the worst possible time: next semester during the last week of classes, or finals week, or something like that (I'm not totally sure because I haven't looked at the academic calendar yet). I'm probably going to see if I can take all of my finals early because even if I don't go to the trial, it's going to be the only thing on my mind while it's in progress. As if I don't have enough to worry about before I graduate.

I'll be going down to Illinois tomorrow to see my grandma and spend the weekend with my extended family. It will be nice to see everyone again - the last time I was down there was for Christmas. I'm worried about my grandma though, she's back in the hospital again. I think they're going to let her go home tomorrow though.

I had physical therapy today, and it went pretty well. I'm able to leg press 40 lbs now (using both legs). My knee is still pretty sore though from my walk to DQ. Or maybe it's because it's going to rain soon, I don't know.

Well, I think that's about it for now. Here's a photo I took from my old street (I developed it at work today)

6.13.2006



cookie dough marathon



Yesterday Ben and I walked to DQ from my house. It's probably four blocks from here, but a little farther if you take the bike trail (which we did). That was the farthest I've walked since the accident. By the time I got back home, I was really sore and my knee kept trying to give out, and then I took a two hour nap. It was totally worth it though because it was a big accomplishment. And because DQ is yummy.

6.10.2006



blogging



Okay, so it's been a while since I've updated. I guess there's not much to say these days. Summer is nice. I'm glad I didn't take any summer classes - for the first time in almost a year, I'm able to relax and not have things hanging over my head. Well, for the most part anyway.

The new place is starting to be pretty cozy now that things are mostly unpacked. This neighborhood is a lot louder than my last one (not surprising), but I kind of like that. There are always things going on and people to talk to.

I went back to work this week! My manager finally had time to train me on the new machines. I only worked for a couple hours, but it was really overwhelming. The equipment is completely different than what we had when I worked there last. Basically I'm learning everything all over again. I think I'll catch on pretty quick though.

I'm enjoying summer but I do get a little depressed when I can't do "normal" things. Usually in the summer I would go on a long bike ride every day, but I don't have the strength to do that yet. Last weekend Raji wanted to go to Big Falls (a park on the river), but I couldn't go because I can't walk on rocks. I have trouble walking on pretty much any surface that isn't flat and paved.

Anyway, I've been finding other ways to keep busy. I spend a lot of time working out, and at my athletic trainer's suggestion, I've been trying to go for walks every day. I live a block away from the bike trail, so that makes me happy. I can't go very far, but one of these days I'll walk to DQ and buy myself a blizzard.

Oh, my next surgery is coming up in a couple weeks. My surgeons will be taking the rest of the hardware out of my leg. I'm a little stressed about it because I want to be able to enjoy my summer, instead of being laid up again. But at least I don't have to try and do homework while on painkillers - that was always interesting.

In other news, my grandma is not doing so well. She's undergoing radiation therapy for her lung cancer and it's been really hard on her. I'll probably be going down to Illinois sometime soon. It's a trip I'm really not looking forward to.

6.07.2006



(http://www.nataliedee.com/)

5.30.2006



moving



Sorry for the lack of updates, Ali and I are in the midst of moving. The new place is great! It's taking me a long time to get settled because I have to take breaks so often. I have a lot of stuff, and a small bedroom. It should all fit, but the process is like playing Tetris. I am currently resting with my foot up because my ankle has been swelling pretty badly. Last night I had to use one of my crutches to help me walk because it hurt so much. I guess I should take more breaks, but that's annoying because I just want to finish unpacking. Anyway, if you want to come visit, give me a call and I'll let you know where the new place is. :)

Check out Becky's blog to read what her sister Theresa has been going through. I'm so glad she's okay.

5.23.2006



vent



Okay... I knew I shouldn't have expected to do very well in school this past semester, but I've always tried to get good grades, and it's hard for me to watch that go down the drain. Especially since I WOULD be doing well if it hadn't been for the accident. Prior to October I was working hard to get myself ready for grad school, and now it's frustrating beyond words that I've had to shift my focus. I guess I shouldn't be so upset because it's not like I did horribly in all my classes, but my grades are worse (by far) than what I would normally achieve. These past seven months have required more determination and strength than I ever knew I had, and I've never worked so hard at school as I did this past semester. I wish my grades reflected that.

I was so proud of myself for finishing all my school work for the past year, and then I got an email from one of my profs from last semester. I just finished up all my outstanding papers from that class, and she sent me an email picking apart everything I've turned in. I can take constructive criticism (I mean, come on, I studied piano under Dossin) but it was more critical than constructive, especially considering the circumstances under which I wrote those papers. Then I saw my grades for a couple of the classes I took this semester, and let's just say I don't normally see those grade letters on my transcript. At least I passed.

Whatever. I'm tired and I wish I could just close this chapter of my life already.

5.20.2006



all these things that i've done



This semester, I:
had two surgeries.
moved back to EC.
was able to start driving again (and learned how to drive stick while I was at it).
learned how to walk without crutches.
played tympani at Viennese ball (a week after having surgery).
played piano on a whole bunch of pieces for wind symphony.
started working on a really difficult marimba solo.
signed a lease on a new apartment.
took 9 credits of classes.
wrote six papers so that I could finish my incompletes from last semester.
did lots of other things I'm forgetting.

So this is pretty much the same post as yesterday, but I accomplished a lot this semester, so I'm happy :)

5.19.2006



an open letter



...to anyone who worried about or doubted my ability to finish my classes this year:

No need to worry anymore. I just finished my final paper for my last incomplete class (a few days early, even). I worked my butt off and completed 9 credits for this semester and my 6 credits (three classes) worth of incompletes from last semester. I'm not even close to being done with this incredibly difficult period of my life, but I am finally free from school, at least for a few months. I can't even express how good that feels.

Hey 2005-2006 school year: Fuck off. I won.

:)

5.18.2006



i need a fucking vacation



I want to take a flight somewhere - it doesn't really matter where. That's all I've wanted to do since October. It won't happen anytime soon because I don't have any money.

5.14.2006



you will have this moment for the rest of your lives



Yesterday was the big day - the memorial concert. It was pretty much everything you would expect: there were moments of sadness, joy, and everything in between, accompanied by some amazing music. I think all the ensembles played really well. I got to play with the 11/12th grade band and a bunch of fellow alumni, and then I played with UWEC's wind symphony. The chi-hi seniors played with us on the world premiere of "Threnody" - the commissioned piece written by Jim Bonney. (Read his blog entry about the concert. He may not be Yeats or Kipling, but he can put the experience into words better than I can.)

I talked with Jim before and after the concert, and I can't say enough nice things about him. It must have been hard for him to write the piece from an outsider's perspective, but he told me that he followed all the news stories and tried to learn as much as he could about the accident and its aftermath. He may be an outsider, but the piece is perfect. If you weren't there to hear it, I'll let you know when I get the recording.

It was nice to talk to people before and after the concert. I got to catch up with a lot of alumni that I haven't seen in a while. I also got to talk with one of the chaperones who was on one of the buses and helped out immediately following the accident. She wanted to know all about how I'm doing and how my head healed up. It was hard to talk to her because I remember everything that happened after the accident except for who was with me. I know she helped save my life, but I don't remember specifics. Some things are too hard to talk about still, and I'm not ready to hear her account of the accident.

I guess I thought the concert would be my chance to finally grieve about the accident. As Sean told me, this would be my chance to "let it all out". But I didn't - maybe I'm just not there in the grieving process yet. I thought I would feel better after the concert, like I'd have some closure. I don't think I achieved that though. I almost feel worse now - like that was my chance to "get over it" and I didn't. It was hard for me to really express how I was feeling because I think I'm farther behind most people in the grieving process and I didn't want to bring everyone down. Anyway, I'm starting to truly understand that this is going to affect me for the rest of my life, and only time is going to make it easier. If I've learned anything through this experience, it's how to be patient - not only to get through my physical recovery, but to cope with the losses.

After the concert, a bunch of us went out for a while and ended up talking about what everyone remembered of the accident. It was incredibly hard to listen to everyone's accounts, but I wanted to know anyway. It was hard because I know what everyone was going through - dealing with their own injuries and with the uncertainty about how everyone else was doing. I learned a little more about Branden's last hours, and that was really sad. During the conversation I remembered some new things, like when I was in the ER and I asked the nurses, "was anyone killed?" - they didn't know how to respond. I would give anything to not have any memories of the accident aftermath or the ER.

A few of us made our way to some of the other bars then and I saw a lot of old and new friends, and had a great time, all things considered. Normally I'm shy around people I don't know very well, but I'm trying to change that. I feel like I missed out because I never got to know Branden very well, and I don't want to miss out on anything else. Also, I know that I'm going to be leaving EC in another year, so I want to make the most of it. Life is short.

This week is going to be bittersweet - I have a couple finals and then I'll be saying goodbye to a few people who are moving away, on to bigger and better things. It makes me kind of sad to know that I should also be moving on to something else, but there are worse things in the world than being stuck in a place like EC for another year.

This is random, but listen to Bjork's "Overture" off her "Selmasongs" CD. It's amazing.

5.11.2006



dear everyone



If you were ever in Chi-Hi's marching band or worked with them at all, you should wear your charm necklace thing if you come to the concert on Saturday. Hmm, now I have to figure out where mine is...

5.09.2006



take the bad with the good



I met with my athletic trainer today and got some good news: I can start going to the gym again. Considering I used to go to the gym 3-5 times a week, this is a step toward normalcy for me. I'll obviously only be doing very light stuff for a while, but that's okay. My trainer was excited to hear that I went on a bike ride a couple days ago. He said that's a good thing to do, as long as I stay on flat, paved roads. I went on a bike ride again this afternoon just after the sun came out, and it was so nice to ride around and smell all the lilacs and to see ducks and deer wandering around my neighborhood. It was way better than using my stationary bike in the living room.

I think I'm going to be happier now that I can start working and going to the gym/going for bike rides again because I used to do those things a lot. I'm still reminded of the accident during pretty much everything I do because it's so difficult to do anything physical - including just walking. Anyway, life is starting to get back to "normal". It's kind of depressing though to realize that I still have two more surgeries to go. So things are getting back to "normal", but it won't stay that way for long.

While I was at physical therapy, I met a patient who was in a construction accident last summer. His accident was similar to mine in some ways, but I won't go into it on here. He had a lot of serious injuries - probably worse than me. We commiserated about the fact that weather changes (especially rain) make us both sore, and that we have a hard time walking after we've been sitting for a while. We laughed about it, but I wonder if those problems will ever completely go away.

My mom sent me an email yesterday that basically outlined all the things I need to do before I move, including a schedule of what I should have packed by when. What an insult. I have moved before. My mom insists that this time is different, but the other times I moved, I also had to pack up all my stuff, take my posters off the walls, etc. Ever since the accident my mom has been treating me like I'm a lot younger than I really am. It's starting to get pretty aggravating. I know it's just because she cares, and the accident really shook her up, and blah blah blah. But she needs to step back now and let me be an adult.

Speaking of moving, I'm looking forward to it. I'm ready for a change of scenery. Also, I'm glad my bedroom is on the first floor of my new place. My left hip has been killing me and I'm assuming it's because stairs are still pretty hard for me. I use stairs a lot right now because my bedroom here is on the second floor.

Yesterday and today in wind symphony rehearsal we worked on the commissioned piece that we're playing in the memorial concert. It's a really nice piece, but I'll agree with Andrea on this one - I wish we had no reason to play it at all. It's the last piece we're going to play on Saturday, and I wish that weren't true. It's just such a somber piece to end with. We ended rehearsal yesterday and today with it, and then I had a hard time getting it off my mind. Last night Andrea, Raji and I went to the Stonesthrow which was exactly what I needed after being in band and then thinking about it for the rest of the day. The concert on Saturday will probably be hard for me. Hugs would be appreciated. I wasn't able to attend any of the funerals, so hopefully the concert will bring some closure for me.

5.07.2006



accomplishments and stuff



Friday I met with my ankle doctor and we talked about my upcoming surgeries. He wants me to call him when I'm done with my antibiotics and when my ankle is all healed up (so probably in another few weeks) and he'll take the metal out of my leg. I have a choice of having just some of the metal taken out or all of it. I'll probably just have it all taken out. My doctor said it's okay for me to go back to work on a (very) limited basis, which I'm happy about. I love my job (at a one-hour photo lab), so I've missed it. I'm glad things are going to start getting back to "normal". It will be kind of weird though because I'll be working like once a week for a few weeks and then I'll be laid up from another surgery.

We had a marching band staff meeting on Friday, which went pretty well. Unfortunately not many people could be there - it's a busy time of year. Andrei and I will probably be writing some mallet parts, which could be kind of stressful because I can never figure out how difficult of parts to write, but we'll figure it out. I don't think there's a whole lot to say about the meeting, except that it kind of hit me how many things we have working against us. It's always hard to coordinate a band that size, but on top of that we're dealing with the fact that one of our band directors, who wrote most of the show every year, is no longer with us. Also, there's that part about us all having to get back on a bus to go to/from the competitions. Then there's the fact that we, as a band, went through a horrible event and we're still working through it. It should be an interesting season, that's for sure. I'd be lying if I said I'm completely pumped for the season to start. I definitely have mixed feelings, but I know it will be very rewarding in the end.

After the meeting, we hung out at C's house for a while and then Liz, Raji and I went back to EC. We had a good talk on the way home. I tend to feel like people don't want to talk about the accident anymore, or are "over" it, or whatever. When my friend Paul died four years ago, I remember there was a period of time afterwards when people had a hard time talking or thinking about anything other than his death. Then gradually people were probably still thinking about it but didn't want to talk about it as much anymore. I'm not sure if people got over it or if they just felt like they shouldn't talk about it anymore. I think it was the latter. People probably didn't want to seem like they were dwelling on it, and didn't want others to think they were just looking for attention. In truth I think it was on everyone's mind for a long time. For a lot of us, it was the first time we'd lost a peer, and that's a hard thing to come to grips with. I think, when it comes to the accident, we're in that phase now. I talk about it probably too much, but it helps me to do so. I hope people don't think I'm dwelling on it or whatever, but it was a huge life-changing event, so of course I'm still going to talk about it. I hope everyone else isn't trying to censor themselves because they're worried about what others will think of them. It affected so many people on so many levels - I don't think most of us will ever "get over" it.

Anyway... Today's wind symphony concert was fun, but I can't help feeling like I was a little underprepared. Practicing is usually my top priority and normally I wouldn't be caught dead being underprepared for a concert, but I guess these days boring things like appointments and resting have to take a higher priority. Anyway, I played fine, just not as well as I could have under different circumstances. Just the fact that I could play at all is an accomplishment.

After the concert and going out to dinner, I came home and finished my music history paper. I'm DONE!! I just have to proof-read it and add an appendix and it will be ready to turn in. My independent study paper is pretty much done also, and now I just need to write a short research paper for my women's studies class and take a couple finals and then the school year from hell will be over. Good riddance.

It was such a nice day out, I decided to try going for a bike ride after I finished my paper. I tried it once like a month ago and it really didn't work out so well - I couldn't get my bike going, and it was scary trying. It was scary when I tried again today, but once I got going, it was pretty easy. I rode around my neighborhood for a few minutes and then came home and now I'm exhausted. I used to ride about eight miles a day, and of course I'm still a long way from that, but it feels so good to reach my goal of being able to get back on my bike.

5.05.2006



for sale



I'm trying to get rid of the following things before I move:

Older Kenmore washer & dryer. Both are in working condition. $75/pair or best offer.

Computer desk. It's nice and pretty big (probably 6 feet by 2 feet) but I don't have room for it in my new place. It has a keyboard tray, a couple drawers, and a little cabinet. $30 or best offer (unless Dan wants it back).

Please let me know ASAP if you're interested :)

5.03.2006



Your Linguistic Profile:



75% General American English

20% Upper Midwestern

5% Midwestern

0% Dixie

0% Yankee


5.02.2006



i wish i could go for a bike ride





(http://www.nataliedee.com/)