tacet

tacet

Well, I suppose I should update. Today was the first day of class. I missed world politics because I had an appointment. My other class is "science of musical sound", which should be a really cool class. I was really uncomfortable after 50 minutes of sitting there, but that should get easier with time.

Physical therapy went really well this morning. I've been making so much progress every day. I'm glad that my hard work is finally starting to pay off. I tried using one crutch again, and it went a lot better this time. Last week I could only take a few steps, and my left foot barely left the ground - I just kind of "skidded" it. Today I was able to make a lap around the small gym. My walk bore almost no resemblance to normal walking, but it's a start.

I went to an ears/nose/throat doctor today to see if I broke my face. It's not like they could do anything for me if I did have a fracture, but it's important to get everything checked out. As it turns out, my face is not broken - I just have some bone bruising on my cheekbone and around my eye. Unfortunately, the doctor said it will probably take a year to heal :( Oh well.

I stopped in at the fine arts building today and picked up audition music for large ensembles. I still haven't really decided if I want to be in an ensemble, but I think I'd like to do it. It would be easier to not join an ensemble, but it would make me happier if I were in one. I'm going to talk to Dr. C about it and see how auditions go. I'm going to practice the excerpts tomorrow and see how well I'm physically able to play the instruments. As far as auditions go, I have a lot working against me: not only do I have to learn the parts and be able to play them well, but I have to overcome the pain and difficulty of standing and keeping my balance while playing. It's a challenge I look forward to, though. I miss playing music. This is the longest span of time in the past 19 years that I've gone without playing anything. I have a lot of free time tomorrow, so as long as my mom is willing to sit around and wait for me, maybe I'll wander over to the piano practice rooms too.

My ankle has been so sore since the surgery. There isn't a lot of spare skin around the ankle, so when my doctor cut some skin out and stitched the surrounding stuff together, it made the whole area really tense. I have stretch marks on my ankle, it's weird. Now that it's healing, the skin is pulling even more agains the stitches. I'll be so glad when I don't have to worry about this anymore.

On Saturday Raji and I went to EC for a while and bummed around Target and the mall and I got some good exercise. I'll be so glad when I'm not on crutches anymore - the tendinitis in my shoulders has flared up. We took a break and met Sean, Ben, Ben, and Jeremy for dinner at Panera. It was really fun! I miss seeing people. That's one nice thing about school starting - I won't be so lonely anymore.

While we were driving to EC, Raji had a Chuck Mangione CD playing. We used to listen to his stuff all the time when we were in high school, and I realize that probably makes us dorks. The song "Bellavia" came on and we were brought back to my junior/his senior year, when we played it in G's jazz band. We used to have so much fun in that band, and I can picture our rhythm section playing that song - me playing my Rhodes in unison with Ryan on bass, Raji playing drums, and Jim playing the sweet triangle part. "Bellavia" was a favorite of G's, and I remember a rehearsal when he yelled to Raji during the loud section to play louder (not something a drummer hears often), and you could see his passion for music as he threw his arms up and yelled "YES! JUST LIKE THAT!" and we played our hearts out. It's a beautiful song to begin with, and that memory makes it even more meaningful.

On that note (haha, I'm punny), Chi-Hi's annual Valentine's Day Big Band Bash is coming up in about two weeks. It's always been my favorite concert of the year - everyone dresses up for it and dances to music provided by the high school's three jazz bands, a band made up of community members, and an alumni "all-star" band, which I've been a member of since I graduated. I have so many good memories from years past. My sophomore year my friend Tony and I won a swing dance competition. We practiced for months ahead of time to get our aerials just right so we could show off. My senior year, the all-girl band I played bass for (Spoonful of Sugar) got to play a set. I'm playing in the alumni band this year, but it will be strange without G there to direct us. The alumni band was something he looked forward to every year. It will also be a little weird because I haven't played piano in three months, and these days I play jazz once a year, at the V-day bash. That's okay, it's fun, and that's all that matters. This year's Bash is on Saturday, 2/11 and Andrei can probably tell you what time it starts. The photo is me dancing with G, and Brian dancing with my friend Melissa. It was probably taken in '99.

don't mess with me

don't mess with me

I need to vent. I was just talking online with a friend of mine, who recently met someone roughly my age who was in a car accident and had a lot of broken bones below the waist. I don't know how long ago this person was in an accident, but now she's addicted to narcotics and evidently needs them in order to function on a normal level. My friend brought this up because of the obvious parallels in age and physical injuries. That must mean we're exactly alike, right? Since that woman needs drugs to function, obviously I will too, right? Okay, now I don't know much about addiction, but I do know that I was addicted and went through withdrawal once already. It was really hard to wean myself off the drugs, but I desperately wanted to be done with them. I don't understand why people think painkillers are "cool". They're awful. They mess your body up in so many ways. Withdrawal was really difficult to go through, and I knew that I would feel much better if I just took another pill, but I didn't want that. I'm not the type of person to give in and do the "easy" thing versus what's best for me in the long run (see: physical therapy), and it makes me so angry to think that this friend of mine is mistaking me for that type of person. I am not weak. As I told my friend, I've overcome much more difficult things already. I'm not saying that the person he met is weak - I don't know her situation - but I know that she and I are different. It sucks because I have to keep going back on the percocet, but I am following the advice of my doctors very closely. My knee surgeon was disappointed with the range of motion in my knee and said he wanted me back on the narcotics so I could work really hard. He said he'd rather have me on the drugs now and I can worry about weaning myself off them later. It's so important for me to regain motion in my knee now because I have a limited window of time before a permanent disability could form. And in case anyone is worried, I'm taking 1-2 pills a day (a little more today since I just had surgery), versus the 12 a day I was taking for a while following the accident. The person I'm talking about probably won't read this, and if he does, so be it. Maybe I'm a bad person for not telling him I'm upset, but whatever, I don't care right now. He wouldn't understand anyway.

Wow, that was a huge paragraph/rant. Anyway... I had surgery this morning and it went fine. If you're just tuning in, it was just a minor surgery to fix an old incision on my ankle that just wasn't healing. I've decided that ankle surgery hurts more than knee surgery. I feel like such a wimp because I know it was just a minor thing I had done today, but it hurts a lot. Knowing my doctor, he must have cut out a lot of scar tissue while he was at it. I wonder if he cut stuff around my metal plate, because it hurts like it did when I had that stupid thing put in. I was a little annoyed after the surgery because the nurses seemed like they were in a hurry to get me out of there. I had a different type of anesthesia - I don't really understand it, but it made me sleep like general anesthesia did, but I didn't need a breathing tube and it didn't take as long to wake up afterwards. I think the surgery will set me back a few days because I can't practice walking or do exercises like I normally would, but I elected to have the surgery done this week before school started. I figured that would make life a little easier.

What else is new... I got my school schedule sorted out. It's weird being all signed up for classes, like I'm just starting a normal semester. I'm looking forward to seeing my friends on a regular basis again. I wish I didn't have so many appointments, or I wish I had another week or two of winter break. I'm going to be pretty useless the first few weeks of school because I have so much to do and I'm going to be really tired. I have one or two appointments a day next week and probably for the week after that, too. By the way, I have an appointment to see a counselor next week. I don't really want to talk about that, but I'm mentioning it because everyone keeps asking me.

Yesterday I went out to lunch with my mom and her friends. They go out every week and I join them when I can because I like going to restaurants. I was so tired and crabby after yesterday's lunch though. That group has already seen me a few times since the accident, but yesterday they decided to bombard me with questions. It was almost more than I could handle. I don't mind answering questions, but when all of them, at the same time, are asking me a thousand questions I've answered a thousand times already, it makes me really tired. I have a blog so I can avoid situations like that, but not everyone knows about my blog, and I like it that way. I guess the downside is that sometimes I have to deal with being bombarded with questions.

Nicole stopped over to see me last night. It's really nice when people come to see me because I don't get many visitors anymore. That won't matter soon though because when I'm back at school I'll see my friends more often. Nicole and I have a class together this semester, yay!

On a side note: Charter interweb is crap and I miss the DSL that I use at home.

Sorry if this post is a little random, I blame the drugs - which I am NOT addicted to, thankyouverymuch.

addendum

addendum

After writing that last post, I tried the blugold system again and got into the class I needed. YAY! Unfortunately the lab time conflicts with wind symphony. I'll see if I can get into a different lab.

schoooooool

schoooooool

I'm kind of looking forward to school starting on Monday. But I'm not sure how it will go. I have so many appointments to try and work into my school schedule, it's ridiculous. Luckily I don't think any of my classes will be too difficult, and one of them I'm retaking from last semester. I'm nervous because I still haven't gotten in to a class I need in order to graduate. I emailed the prof and explained the situation and asked if she would let me in as an overload. I CC'd the dean of students on the email. I just sent the email tonight so now I'm waiting for a response. I'm worried about it because I emailed this same professor about this same class last semester and she sent me a crabby response about not allowing overloads. Maybe she'll make an exception for me. This class would fulfill two requirements that I have to meet before graduating, so if I can't get in to the class (which isn't offered over the summer), I'll have to take two classes in its place.

Another reason I'm worried about school starting is that I still get tired so easily. I'll have class from around 9-1 (depending on the day), and if I get into wind symphony, it'll be 9-3. That's a long day for me, especially considering I also have appointments or physical therapy pretty much every day. I guess we'll see how it goes.

I'm looking forward to school starting, but as you can probably tell, I'm also worried about it. I didn't have a very restful winter break, and this is at a time when I need rest more than anything. Now I'm throwing myself back into college life and pretending I can handle a full schedule. It's going to be hard to go from laying in bed all day to going to school all day. I don't have much of a choice, though - I need to go full time in order to stay on my parents' insurance, and this way I don't have to start paying off my student loans yet. I have a feeling it's going to be rough for a few weeks but I'll adjust to it. Luckily it's spring semester and so I'll have spring and Easter breaks, which should give me some time to breathe.

I've said it a million times, but I can't wait until I can move back to my house. I have a hard time relaxing here at my parents' house. A lot of times I just want to be left alone and I don't want to hear dogs barking all the time. I think when I first move back home, I'll probably spend a lot of time sleeping.

Today I stopped in at my work to say hi to my manager. It was really nice to see her. I'm starting to get tired of explaining all my injuries and surgeries and stuff to people though, because it dawns on them how long my recovery has taken/will take, and then they invariably point out how long it'll take. It makes me tired to think about it. I don't mind answering questions, but... I guess that's why I have this blog, because I'm not completely bombarded with questions all the time - a lot of people have been keeping up with what I'm writing, and that's good.

It's my brother's birthday tomorrow. A couple days ago he messed up his knee while skiing. He joined Raji, Tenley (his girlfriend), and me in the gimp club. It doesn't sound too bad though - he sprained it and hurt some meniscus but he won't need surgery and he only has to take a two-week break from skiing.

In physical therapy today I worked on putting more weight onto my right leg and I tried walking with one crutch again. It went slightly better this time, and I was able to lift my left foot off the ground for a split second. Learning how to walk again is pretty much the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Everything that I broke, tore, or dislocated hurts when I put weight on that leg. It would be easier if I had more muscle mass in that leg, so I've been working on that a lot at home, but it takes time. I'm hoping the bottom of my foot gets calloused soon because it feels pretty weird when I walk on it. Hey Ali - I found a good way to get rid of callouses, just don't walk for a few months!

I will end today's post with a quote that has brought me a lot of inspiration lately:
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" - Mary Anne Radmacher

progress

progress

Today I went to see my ankle doctor and got the news I was hoping for: I don't have to use my walking cast anymore!!! I don't even have to wear a brace on my ankle. I get to walk around with normal shoes on again. I've already been doing this a little in physical therapy, but now I get to do it all the time. Walking without the cast on is such a weird feeling. I didn't think it would be so hard, since I've been weight-bearing for a while already, but there's a huge difference with the cast on versus walking without it. It hurts a lot and basically I have to re-learn how to walk. The walking cast totally immobilized my ankle, so it's really stiff. If you ever want a really awesome roll-step, wear a walking cast for a while.

I got another bit of good news, too: my doctor wants me to stop using the crutches. It's going to take a while to wean myself off them though. A few days ago my physical therapist told me to try walking with only one crutch, and it was incredibly difficult. I didn't even know where to begin. I eventually was able to kind of scoot my foot a little bit. It's hard because not only does my leg hurt a lot, but it's really weak. Hopefully I'll be able to do it this week in PT.

My doctor wants to do a minor procedure on my ankle, so I'm going to have it done this week (Thursday) while I'm still on winter break. The incision from the surgery I had on 11/1 never healed well, so he's just going to cut out the icky skin and stitch the skin around it together. We discovered that my skin doesn't like dissolving stitches, which were used in that other surgery, so that's probably why it didn't heal very well. My doctor told me that I "heal funny". He learned how to do incisions from a plastic surgeon, so he's a perfectionist about creating incisions that won't leave big scars. But he said that my skin is stubborn and creates all kinds of scar tissue after every surgery. He stepped in during my knee surgery, and apparently neither of my doctors had ever seen so much scar tissue. Apparently it's not a bad problem or anything, it's just weird. Oh well.

I have an appointment set up for next week with an ears/nose/throat specialist because my face still hurts and is swollen. I wonder if I fractured something. It doesn't really make a difference if it's fractured or not, but it's good to get things like that in my medical records. Also, we need to make sure my sinuses didn't get damaged. I have to miss my first class of the semester to go to that appointment. Oh well... I have a feeling I'll be missing a lot of classes to go to appointments. That's life.

Today marks three months since the accident, and I've been thinking a lot about how far I've progressed physically. I still have a long way to go before I'm "normal" - every movement I make is still hampered in some way by what I've been through. But I'm starting to feel more like myself again. And after today's appointment, I know it won't be too much longer before I'm able to move back to EC, and drive, and do all those other things I used to take for granted.

random things

random things

I'm waiting for Raji to pick me up, so I'll waste some time by writing some random things...

At the meeting on Thursday night, I saw Jessie M. and Cassie. I'd been wondering how they were doing since I don't hear much about them. They both looked pretty good, considering what they've been through. I was really surprised at how good Cassie looked! She had so many horrible injuries, but luckily she's 11 years old and heals fast. I was expecting to see her in a wheelchair, but she was up walking around. It was crazy to read the list of all her injuries and then see her looking pretty much like your average fifth grader. What a tough girl.

I think I figured school stuff out, so I'm a little less stressed about it now. I'm going to take three classes, one of which I took and dropped last semester. I'm also going to take some music classes, so that I can have 12 credits. I still haven't decided if I want to audition for Wind Symphony - I'll probably talk to Dr. Crowell & Dr. Heidel about it.

I wish I could move home to EC. I just want my life back. I want to live at my house and do normal 23-year-old-type-things. I know there are worse problems to have, but I'm starting to go stir-crazy. Maybe I'll be happier once school starts.

If you're wondering about my last post, G wrote me that email right after my recital. After the accident, I searched through my inbox a couple times looking for it but I couldn't find it and I thought I'd accidentally deleted it. Yesterday I found it in a different folder, so I was happy. It was weird going back through my emails and seeing a bunch of stuff from G, and I also found one from Branden (looking for percussionists for something or other).

My hip has been bothering me like crazy. I can't sleep for more than a few hours at a time because it hurts. It's gotten to the point where my knee exercises make my hip hurt more than my knee. I'll have to get that checked out when I see my ankle doctor on Monday.

Tonight should be fun - Raji is taking me out to eat at our favorite restaurant (Mona's) and then we're going to his birthday party. Yay! I get to leave the house, and I get to hang out with people!

Okay bye

old email from G

old email from G

Amy,
Congratulations on your recital...you did a great job!!!!!!!!!!! I was very proud of you. It makes me feel good when I witness one of my former students show such a display of talent and love of music. Take care and see you soon.
"G"

blah

blah

Today I had an appointment with the knee doctor. He took the stitches out and told me he's disappointed because he thought I'd have more motion in my knee by now. He harped on me for a while and told me I really need to work hard. What the fuck does he think I do all day? Anyway, he wants me back on the narcotics so that I can push myself harder. He also wants me to start going to physical therapy three times a week instead of two. When my ankle incision FINALLY closes up (yeah, it's been over two months now), I'll be going to water therapy also.

After talking to the knee doc today, I found out I might have two more surgeries in my future. My ACL has to be fixed, but some hardware needs to come out of my leg first. It could all just be done in one surgery but it depends on how well everything else heals. I'm beginning to hate visits to my doctors because it puts into perspective how long it's going to be before I can have my "normal" life back. My worker's comp nurse told me she thinks it'll be a year before I'm physically back to normal.

I'm not graduating in May. I don't know when I'm going to graduate, and if you ask me anything about school, I'll probably hit you with a crutch. I have senioritis and I want to graduate and move on with my life, like everyone else my age is doing. As far as the upcoming semester goes, all I know is that I have to go to school full-time for insurance purposes. If I've learned anything from last semester it's that insurance is a good thing. This semester I'll have to juggle classes and appointments, and I need to keep using the stupid leg machine like six hours a day for the next 4-6 weeks.

Anyway, this weekend should be a nice break for me. It's Raji's birthday tomorrow. Yay, I get to leave the house!

bored

bored

Not too much to report today, just the same old stuff: aches and pains, inability to focus on anything, etc. Here are the few things that happened today:

My manager called and we talked for the first time in a while. I miss her, and I miss working. There's major stuff going down at my work right now, but I don't know if I should really talk about it here. Anyway, I still have a job whenever I'm able to start working again.

I saw the evil bitch's car. What is she still doing here? I thought she moved away.

The university sent me a loveletter about being on academic warning. Um, excuse me? Ooooo, I was mad. It was kind of funny though - they attached my transcript, which looks pretty nice if you ignore last semester. They also attached a list of tips on how to not be naughty anymore, but I noticed it didn't say anything like, "avoid being in a tragic accident". Academic warning, my ass. I called the university and got put right through to the dean of students, who said she'll sort it out. I hope this isn't one of those things that takes forever to get fixed, because I need to send transcripts to grad schools soon. Thank you, UWEC, for your continued sensitivity.

I broke the leg machine. Or it broke itself? It had a frayed wire. I got a different one, and it's definitely an upgrade over the last one. It doesn't jerk or make annoying noises, and it has more settings. I still agree with Catherine though - it needs to be decorated with some Mr. Yuk stickers.

Jessie can learn to walk again!!!!! I can't imagine having to wait for so long. Yay, I'm so happy for her.

in brief

in brief

I really really really really really miss school. And I miss playing music even more than that. My friend Catherine came over tonight, and we talked a lot about school, but I have no idea how next semester is going to go. I don't know how many classes I'll be able to take. I have to take at least 12 credits because I need insurance. I don't know when I'll be graduating or when I'm going to grad school or where I'm going after I graduate or how long I should extend my current lease.

I don't know when I'll be able to drive or when I'll move back to EC or when I'll be off crutches or when I'll be out of the walking cast. It won't be for a while. Stop asking. :)

There's lots of legal stuff that's going to start soon and it's going to be very emotional but I can't talk about it on here.

I took down the links to the accident report because the report contains addresses of the victims. The files are still on the interweb, and if you'd like to know where to find them, please send me a message.

ready, set, breakdown

ready, set, breakdown

I need some alone time. I need for life to be back to normal, and I need to spend some time by myself, figuring everything out. My parents have been great, but my mom is always home, and I wish I had more space.

I've lost my appetite again. It happens whenever I'm on painkillers, and I thought it was just because of that, but now I'm pretty much off the painkillers and I'm still having problems with food. I'm on a new anti-inflammatory pill - maybe it's because of that. Or maybe it goes deeper, I don't know. I used to love food more than pretty much anything. Now when someone sets a plate of food in front of me, they might as well give me a bowl full of celery or plain shredded wheat or something. It just doesn't interest me. I eat as much as I can anyway because I need to gain weight.

I can't believe school is starting in a couple weeks. I had planned on trying to move back into my house in EC over break. I give up on making plans like that, because it's just not going to happen for a while yet. I have no idea what I'm doing for spring semester. Is it a lofty goal for me to take on a full-time schedule? Probably. I think I'm going to try it anyway. I haven't even signed up for all of my classes yet and now they're probably all closed. I'll have to ask the dean of students to put me on the overload lists or whatever. I still have a lot of stuff to do in order to finish the classes I took incompletes in last semester. I haven't done any work over break. It's still so hard to concentrate. It doesn't help that my parents have dogs, and they're ALWAYS barking. Bark bark bark bark bark. That's the soundtrack to my typical day. I like dogs, but I'm not used to living with them, and it's just too much for me to handle right now. I keep asking my parents to put their bark collars on, and my mom always seems to get offended.

I've been thinking a lot about Wind Symphony. I really want to be in it this semester, pending audition results, but I don't know if I should. I thought I'd be "better" soon, but who knows when I'll be able to comfortably stand and play percussion. I don't want to be given a spot in the ensemble out of pity, or have the section make a lot of accomodations for me, when I don't know how long it's going to take before I can be a "normal" part of the section again. It would be tough to be in WS this semester also because of tour (buses) and because the band will be playing a piece that was commissioned as a result of the accident. Will I be ready to do that? It's not fair that the accident is potentially keeping me from doing what I love most - playing music, particularly with that band. Maybe for that reason alone I'll do it, and say a big "fuck you" to this whole situation. Besides, Sazama wants to play in that ensemble (pending audition results), and if he can do it then so can I. We could help eachother through it.

Anyway, I feel better now that I wrote all that out.

In other news, my mom scanned the accident report and turned it into a pdf file, in case anyone wants to see it. We got a copy of it within a couple weeks of the accident, and I think reading through it helped give me a feeling of closure. Reading a factual, emotionally void account of what happened helped me to face the reality of it. On the other hand, it was hard to read because it was a factual, emotionally void account of what happened. I put it up on my webspace, and I don't plan on taking it down anytime soon, so if you want to read it, feel free to do so whenever you're comfortable looking at it. It's a huge file, so it might take a while to open. It's in two parts.

[edit: links removed. ask if you want to know where they are.]

PT and staff meeting

PT and staff meeting

Yesterday was a big day for physical therapy. My therapist had asked me to bring my other shoe to put on my bad foot so that my hips would be even when I'm on the exercise bike. He ended up having me walk with shoes on both feet (using the crutches), and it was WEIRD! I've had to use the walking cast since I've been weight-bearing. It's amazing how easy it is to forget how to walk. It doesn't help that my knee doesn't straighten all the way yet. My therapist wanted me to walk with normal shoes on because the boot doesn't allow for normal ankle and knee motion while walking. I started to get the hang of walking and it kind of hurt less after a few minutes. My therapist and both my athletic trainers were excited about my progress. At the end of my session, my knee was two degrees from being straight. On Wednesday I was four degrees away. Yay!

I hope that paragraph made sense... damn percocet. Anyway, the staff meeting was last night, and then a bunch of us went out to a bar afterwards. I'm not going to talk about most of it since most of the people reading this blog were there. Also, I'm kind of "talked out". But it felt so good to finally be back with the staff again.

One of the things we talked about in the meeting was the fact that we should all get back on the buses for the next trips. I guess I hadn't really thought about that. Well, I had, but I figured I'd worry about it when the time comes. It sounds like everyone else wants to get back on the buses at some point, so I should too. Brian suggested that a bunch of us could go to the bus company before the trips and ask to sit on one of the buses, just to get used to it again. UWEC's Wind Symphony will be going on a trip in the spring, and if I'm in that ensemble next semester, I think I'll try and drive the equipment van instead of riding on a bus. I don't think I'll be ready for it yet. I'm just worried that I'll get on the bus and start remembering things that I'd forgotten. I actually remember quite a bit, contrary to what I usually tell people. It's just easier to say "I don't really remember anything" because people always want to know what I saw, and I didn't see much. I saw my seat, and Raji, and maybe a couple other people, and the seat Raji set me down in, and the bus window. I don't remember anything else. Mostly I just remember what I felt, and that's about it.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my physical recovery that, even though it's a direct result of the accident, I'm not consciously thinking about it. Every now and then, especially when I'm talking to other people who were there, it hits me - holy fuck, that really happened. It was like something out of a horror movie, except it was real, and a lot of my friends went through it at the same time. Each of us had a radically different, equally awful experience. It's weird that I wasn't scared at the time, but it's scary to think about it now.

Well, I was going to type more, but I think that's about all I have to say for now. Sorry for the dark post. It doesn't really reflect my current mood - just some of the things that have been on my mind.

teaching

teaching

This post will probably be sappy, but that's okay. I'm writing it mostly for my own benefit.

With the staff meeting coming up tomorrow, I've been thinking a lot about what the next marching band season will be like. Before the accident I wasn't sure whether or not I'd be coming back for another year because I didn't know where I'd be. Now that I have to wait on my grad school plans, I can do marching band in the meantime. And after having such a traumatic experience, I think the students need a staff that's strong enough to return, and it will probably be therapeutic for me too.

It's going to be hard, though. G did so much for the band - everything from ordering new equipment, to writing all the music and drill, to planning the competition trips. He was unique, since most band directors hire people to write certain aspects of the show, including the drill, the percussion music, and the rest of the band's music. After working also with Menomonie's band this past season, I realized how much work and organization it takes to put together a marching band show.

Well, at least at Chi-Hi we're lucky that we have such a large staff, and that G's marching band program was in place for over twenty years - long enough for it to be established and for us to know where to go with it.

Anyway, I'm glad that I'll be returning, because teaching has been such a rewarding experience. The enthusiasm of my "kids" (as I call them) is inspiring. When I was planning on going to college, I knew I wanted to go into music but I didn't know what I wanted to do in the field. I knew I didn't want to teach, because I didn't think I had the patience to do it full-time. But after teaching at Chi-Hi for five years, I've changed my mind and I want to go to grad school so I can teach in college. I especially look forward to teaching younger students because they have that same enthusiasm and "spark" that I see in my high schoolers. I'm so thankful to G for giving me the opportunity to teach.

Another reason I love teaching at Chi-Hi is that it's not often you get the chance to teach alongside a handful of your closest friends. And I'm glad I'll have those people with me next season so we can help eachother through it.

Okay, sappiness over. I went to the mall today, and for the first time, I didn't bring the wheelchair. Yay!!!! I used the crutches the whole time. My mom and I have gone to the mall a handful of times since the accident, and I HATED using the wheelchair. People can be so rude (staring, not moving out of the way, etc.), and a lot of stores are not set up well to accomodate wheelchairs in the aisles. I had a lot more freedom on the crutches, but it was so tiring. I'm still so weak. We didn't do a whole lot - returned something, then I sat and rested while my mom went into another store, then went to the food court, then I sat and rested while my mom shopped some more. It was the first time since the accident that I've stood for more than a few minutes at a time, and my legs and feet are not used to it. It doesn't help that I hurt my left ankle in the accident (sprained it maybe?) and I walked on it so much today. In spending that much time on my feet, I feel like I've reached another milestone, but it made me realize how much work I have yet to do before leading a "normal" life.

another day

another day

I don't have anything too exciting to report today. I'm having lots of aches and pains since I'm starting to do all my exercises again. I think I'm having some minor withdrawal problems again, too. And I haven't been sleeping well. My tailbone bothers me when I lay on my back, and I only sleep well on my side, but I haven't been able to do that since the accident. Today I was so exhausted after physical therapy, but my attempt at a nap was just depressing. I tried laying halfway on my side, but when I got up, my face hurt pretty bad. My mom saw me about the time I gave up on sleeping, and she freaked out and thought I was sick because I have dark circles under my eyes. No, I just can't sleep because of my stupid tailbone and knee.

I had physical therapy today, and it went pretty well. My knee moves a lot more smoothly since having my surgery. I still have about four degrees to go before I can straighten my leg completely, and that's without any weights or pushing on the top of my knee. I've been working really hard at it. Whenever I'm at home, my leg is on the machine that bends/straightens it. My mom bought me some ankle weights to put on top of my knee and help straighten it.

After physical therapy, I came out into the waiting room and Raji was there. I'd forgotten he had an appointment with the spine doctor today. He told me he'd just seen Brian on the first floor. Apparently the clinic was a popular place today...

I gave Jessie a call last night. It was the first time I'd talked to her since the accident. She asked me all about how everone else is doing. It sounds like she's doing pretty well - she said everything is healing well and she will be allowed to stand up and walk sometime in the next few weeks. She's such an inspiration. I know firsthand a fraction of the pain and struggles she's going through, but she makes it sound like it's no big deal. I asked her if she's going to come back to teach at Chi-Hi again next season, and without a moment's hesitation, she said yes.

Tenley (my brother's girlfriend) had knee surgery today. She tore her ACL a couple weeks ago while skiing in Wyoming, where they live. Dan called tonight to tell us the surgery went fine. Too bad she can't ski for six months :(

Friday = staff meeting! Yay!

i'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

i'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

Now that it's the beginning of a new year, we're all being inundated with TV shows and commercials telling us how to "look beautiful in 2006". Right now I'm watching The View and they're using some scary looking machine thing on some poor woman's face, in an effort to "correct" some miniscule "problem". I can't believe the lengths some people go to, and the things our society tells us to do, in order to be "beautiful". I'm not talking about going to the gym and eating healthier - I'm talking about lyposuction and microdermawhatevers. I won't pretend that I've never had a poor body image, but I guess that's just one of the ways this accident has changed me. Now it doesn't make sense to me for people to hate their perfectly healthy bodies because they don't fit into some ridiculous ideal. And I don't understand plastic surgery - if it's not broken, don't fix it. I just don't have the patience to hear about women "battling" with their crow's feet or cellulite, when I'm racing to regain motion in my knee before too much scar tissue forms. I shouldn't complain though, because the damage could have been so much worse. But I've been incredibly stressed out and frustrated lately because I just want my leg to do what it's supposed to.

Oh, funny story: last night I was chatting with Raji's little brother, who had one wisdom tooth taken out. He was bitching to me about how much it hurt. ;)

auld lang syne

auld lang syne

Happy new year everyone! I spent last night at a small party with some friends. We played board games and stuff and it was a fun time. I wished I could have stopped out at "The House", but I was really sore and it was hard enough to get to the party in Chippewa. Anyway, I got a drunk-dial from the other party, which was pretty funny ;)

I think I'm going to jump on the bandwagon here and do a "year in review". 2005 was, well, eventful. When I think back on this year, I don't want to think of it as "the year of the accident." Why is it that, when looking back upon a year, we tend to focus on the bad things that happened? It's oversimplified. I guess it just makes it easier for us to move forward. Maybe we focus on the hard times, so the "good" times will be better by comparison. Then we can say, "the new year has to be better, because it can't get any worse."

I've never really understood using our calendar system to reflect on what happened in our lives. The things that happened to me in the year 2005 didn't happen because it was 2005. The things that happened in January have little or no relation to the things that happened in December. But I suppose it's just easy to organize things in set units, like two semesters, or 365 days. And it gives us a chance to reflect on the past, when maybe we wouldn't otherwise. So at the risk of being a hypocrite, I will also organize my memories of the past year or so into a neat little package called "2005".

January and February were very trying times for me. If you saw me at the beginning of the year, you probably noticed I was worn down. Basically my living situation had changed from bad to, well, different. It was a time of mixed emotions. I learned how important it is to be comfortable enough in a house to call it "home". I'm not going to delve into a lot of detail on here, but if you're curious about what happened, just ask. In retrospect, it probably wasn't as bad as I'm making it sound.

I don't remember much of March, I think I was in the practice rooms.

April was the month of my senior recital. I spent every day of that month obsessing over how quickly the 19th was approaching. I programmed a very challenging recital. I split it on piano and percussion. All the percussion pieces ended up being pieces for mallet instruments, but I guess it just worked out that way because they fit well with the piano pieces. And there aren't a lot of non-mallet percussion solos that are fun to listen to if you're not a percussionist. Anyway, I worked my butt off, and I was happy in the end. My recital was probably one of the best days of my life. It's so empowering to be able to challenge yourself like that and pull it off. I was so happy that so many people came to watch. My brother and his girlfriend even drove from WY for it!

I don't think I could have asked for a better summer. I spent a lot of time relaxing, and practicing, and riding my bike. I hung out with friends a lot, too. In June, Ali moved in. She's a great roommate - we get along really well!

In August I went tubing in the Apple River with a bunch of my friends. We had a blast! Too bad I broke my tailbone. Don't ever break your tailbone, it sucks! At the end of the month Raji and I went down to Illinois for my family's annual BBQ competition. We spent two days eating food, drinking beer, and jamming out, and it pretty much doesn't get any better than that. August was also pretty busy because I was teaching at Chi-Hi. I had such a good group of kids this year!

With September came the start of a new semester. It was a really strange time because I'm almost done with the music department, but I don't want to be done. I've fulfilled my requirements for piano lessons, and none of the professors had room for me in their studios, so I didn't get to take lessons this semester. It's the first time in 19 years that I haven't taken piano lessons, and that's been really difficult for me. I also didn't get in to Wind Symphony because I have enough semesters of large ensembles, and there are other people who needed to be in it. I miss it so much, but with the way this semester turned out, it's a good thing I wasn't in a band. September also sucked because I ran over a dog. My neighbor girl let the dog out without a leash on and the dog ran right in front of my car. :( But we rushed it to the vet and she's fine now.

The beginning of October was busy with teaching at Chi-Hi, and getting ready to do grad school applications.

We all know how the rest of the year went. Overall, I can't say it was a bad year. Like I said, it was eventful. Lots of big changes - I made plans for grad school, lost probably 30 lbs (don't worry, some of that was after the accident, and I'm gaining weight again), and I lived with someone new - I guess a lot of it was normal, 22-year-old stuff. Then of course in October there were a lot of even more drastic changes. There's no way to sum up the accident or how I've grown and changed as a result of it. I think everyone who was affected is now a different person. I will say that I lost one of my mentors (G) and a new friend (Branden), and I've been confronted with the fragility of life. I've been pushed, but I've pushed back. These past few months have been the most difficult of my entire life, but those experiences are an important part of who I am today.

Anyway, I don't think I'm doing a very good job of putting thoughts into words today - probably a result of painkillers and tiredness. Time to watch some TV - Raji bought me DVDs of "Mission Hill" and "The Adventures of Pete & Pete" for Christmas. Yay!

surgery'd

surgery'd

Well, I should probably talk about my surgery. As I mentioned before, it went fine. The doctor was hoping to repair the meniscus. It's rare to be able to do that, since there is not much blood supply to that area of the knee, and the body needs blood in the area to regenerate stuff like that. The doc ended up taking out the offending bit of meniscus, which had been torn and flipped over and was blocking my movement. While he was at it, he removed some scar tissue, in hopes that now my joint will move more smoothly. Hopefully it won't be a problem that part of the meniscus had to be taken out, but it means I have an increased chance of having arthritis when I grow up. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Unlike my other surgeries, I had no trouble waking up from the anesthesia this time (usually it takes me a while). The doctor didn't use dissolving stitches this time, which is good because we discovered after the last surgery that my skin doesn't really like them. The doctor took photos of my knee bent all the way when I was under the anesthesia, so apparently it is possible to move that way!

Now I have to spend just about every waking hour hooked up to this stupid leg bending/straightening machine. It's not too bad though because it does all the work for me. It's kind of painful, but that's what percocet is for. My knee is really stiff and swollen from the surgery but I'm already getting it closer to being straight. I'm making progress again!

I had physical therapy this morning, but we didn't do a whole lot. My therapist and both my athletic trainers checked me out, and they all seemed to be pretty happy. They definitely noticed a difference. As I said my knee is still pretty stiff, but when the therapist pushed on it, my leg was within ten degrees of being straight. Not bad for the day after surgery. I felt so bad - there was a high schooler job shadowing one of my athletic trainers, and the AT had to take off the ace bandaging that covered my entire leg and replace it with a new dressing. The poor high schooler looked like he was going to barf when my knee was unwrapped. It's pretty swollen and bruised. Well, at least he knows what he'll be getting into if he chooses that career path.

NYE tomorrow! I'm not going to make any promises, but I'm going to TRY and stop at "the house". It depends on how the weather is - ice/snow/rain/crutches/porch steps don't mix. Also, I don't know if I want to have Raji drive us all the way to EC if the weather is crappy. We'll probably end up at a party in Chippewa, but I'd like to stop in EC first. If I don't see you, have a happy new year's!

R&R

R&R

I am curled up on my side in my bed, in my house. The covers are pulled up to my chin and there are two cats on the bed, one next to me and one in the crook behind my knees. I do not hear the sounds of footsteps, or dogs barking, or people talking about me, or snoring. I only hear soft noises from Allison in the next room - enough to let me know I'm not alone. I think about the relaxing day that awaits me, which will be spent playing music or spending time with Raji. The sleep that falls over me is not a result of prescription drugs or utter exhaustion. Rather, it is the deep, comfortable sleep that follows a productive day.

This is a typical scenario from my "normal" life. I shouldn't complain, but this is what I miss right now. I'm forgetting what it's like to "rest" or "relax", and that's what I need most.

quick update

quick update

- Surgery went fine. i'll post more about that later.
- Brianna is famous.
- Raji and I are going to try and stop at "The House" for New Year's - it depends on how I'm feeling and how the weather is.

:)

my friends are awesome

my friends are awesome

I'll just write a short post because Raji is over here and we're going to play some gamecube in a few minutes.

Going out to the bars last night was pretty much the most fun thing ever. I think like 52,626 people came out with us. Yay for eating popcorn at the GI! Ryan, Sazama, Raji and I were all together for the first time since the accident. We're usually pretty close, but we've all been too busy lately to get together. We talked a little about the accident. It was lighthearted - we compared scars - but the discussion freaked me out after a few minutes because I suddenly remembered a few post-accident details (though nothing important) that I thought I'd forgotten. The night was also a little sad because Eric is leaving and I won't see him again for a while. I hate growing up. Anyway, it was a great night overall and I was so glad to get out of the house.

Today I had physical therapy, then did some shopping and ate lunch with my parents, and then the Stenners took me to Ikea. Yay! I'd never been there but I've always wanted to go. It was so cool. I bought a bunch of stuff and it wasn't very expensive. The Stenners were pretty much a permanent fixture in my house for several weeks after the accident, but I haven't seen them much lately, so it was good to spend time with them.

Well, I have surgery tomorrow. I don't really know what to expect, but everyone is telling me it will be a piece of cake compared to the other surgeries I've had. It will be less invasive, that's for sure. The doctor told me to bring my crutches, because apparently they want to see how much weight I can bear following the surgery. It's weird to think I'll (hopefully) already be on my feet again after surgery. I'll probably have physical therapy on Friday, so I don't get much time to rest. I have to work on my knee motion ASAP after surgery so my knee doesn't stiffen up. I'm a little stressed about this whole thing because I really hope that I can straighten my leg out soon. This surgery should fix it. But if it doesn't, then what am I supposed to do? I guess I'll figure it out.

Anyway, I'll post again sometime after my surgery.

sweet home chicago

sweet home chicago

As I write this, I'm in my aunt & uncle's home office, looking at the fishies. It's good to have a change of scenery. We decided to stay an extra day in Illinois, so we're coming home tomorrow. Christmas was good. I got a leather coat, and some clothes, and assorted other things. My parents and I exchanged presents a few days ago. It didn't really feel like Christmas since Dan (my brother) was working in WY and Raji was visiting family in FL. And I didn't get to do any shopping of my own, so it wasn't as much fun. But that's okay. Then we came down to IL to do the big family thing.

It was really good to see everyone. I thought it would be overwhelming answering all the accident questions, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. People found other things to talk with me about, which is what I need. I was getting pretty annoyed with my mom, though - I kept overhearing her talking with everyone about my injuries and everything. I was in the room too; I wish she would have just let me talk instead of talking about me. It made me feel like a little kid. I think all my relatives were expecting me to look a lot worse than I do, because when my mom talks to them on the phone, she emhasises the negatives. Well, I guess it's not her fault. There's just a lot of negative things to talk about. I just wish everyone would focus more on my accomplishments than on my problems. That's what I do.

I've had to recount my story of the accident so many times over the past couple days. I've noticed it's getting a little harder to talk about. It's scary when I think about my memories following the accident, and being in the ER, and all of that stuff. It wasn't scary at the time, but it is now. Isn't that weird? I guess I was just sort of in shock at the time, and I was running on adrenaline. After the accident, I spent so much time talking about it that it that it became routine. And I looked and felt like I'd just been in a traumatic accident. Now that I've made so much progress in my recovery, I've become slightly more separated from what happened and now it's weird to think about it. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Anyway, I think I've gone over the proverbial hill, as far as my recovery goes. It's still going to take a long time before things are back to "normal", but I've gotten to the point where I'm starting to do some normal things again, and I'm experiencing less pain overall. I have more energy now, too. I get frustrated pretty easily though, because I know it's still going to be a while before I can move back to EC or play music or drive a car. And I get irritated when people think I'm weak or need a lot of help. I still am weak and still do need a lot of help, but I don't like to believe it. :)

My surgery is scheduled for Thursday. A knee specialist is going to do it. It's weird because I've never met him and won't get to talk to him about the surgery or what to expect until right before the surgery, but that's because they needed to schedule the surgery ASAP. This surgery should be much less invasive than the others. They're going in with the little camera thing to fix it. The doctor who did my previous surgeries tells me this will be nothing compared to what I've already had done. That's good, because recovering from my last surgery was awful. But it's not like I'm getting another metal plate in my ankle, so I guess I shouldn't worry. I just hope they're able to fix the meniscus in my knee. If not, they'll have to take it out. Then I would have to worry about early onset of arthritis. My doctor tells me my knee is the part of my body that's most likely to have long-term problems as a result of the accident.

Anyway, on to the important stuff: I think I'm going out with some people tomorrow night, so consider this your invitation to join us. This will be my first foray into the bar scene since the accident. I'm hoping we'll be able to go somewhere that isn't crowded, which shouldn't be a problem since it's winter break. I can't really have more than one drink, but that doesn't matter. I just want to get out of the house, and hang out with my friends, and do something "normal".

Well, this meandering post was brought to you by my extreme tiredness. I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas, and I'll be back home tomorrow. :)

fuck

fuck

Well, today was certainly interesting. I don't think I have time to write much, so I'll just sum it up.

I had an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon, and I was expecting another lecture because my leg isn't straight yet. But I guess we're beyond the point of lectures, since he said the aggressive physical therapy just isn't working. He said it's time to do another surgery. The surgery wouldn't involve any cutting - while under general anesthesia, they would put a "nerve block" in one of the main nerves in my leg (to numb it) and then the doctor would bend and straighten my knee for me. Then the nerve block would stay in my leg for a couple days and I'd be hooked up to a machine that bends and straightens my leg for me. I'd have to be in the hospital for a couple of days. The biggest risk of this procedure is that the machine might break my leg. I don't have to have this procedure done if I don't want to, but he told me the alternative is that I wouldn't ever gain much more range of motion in my knee.

Then my dad asked if we could have an MRI done just to make sure there's nothing else going on. The doctor said that he was able to bend and straighten my leg all the way during my last surgery, so he didn't think there's anything mechanical that's blocking my motion. He also didn't think the MRI images would turn out well because of all the metal in my knee. But we decided we might as well try it before having the procedure done. Luckily it was a slow day at the hospital, and I was able to get in right away for the MRI. After that, my dad and I remembered that we'd forgotten to have something signed at the orthopedic clinic, so we stopped back up there. My doctor just happened to be available and had already looked at my MRI, so he took us into his office to show us the images. Wow, it's a good thing I had the MRI done. My ACL is torn, just as we had suspected, but as it turns out I also have a tear in my meniscus. No wonder I can't get my leg straight. My doctor apologized for all the lectures about working hard during physical therapy. With the extent of the damage in my knee, it's really surprising that I have the range of motion that I do - and it's just because I've been working so hard.

So I'll be having surgery next week to fix the meniscus, and the ACL surgery will probably be in another six months. When they do the meniscus surgery, I think they'll also be doing the procedure I described above. While it really sucks to have another setback, at least I know that it wasn't my fault that I can't straighten my leg. And I'm hoping that my recovery after this surgery will go much quicker, since it should be a lot easier to straighten my leg.

Welp, so much for all the plans I had next week. So much for taking a class over winter break, and so much for graduating in May.

Whatever, I'll worry about all that stuff when the time comes. I'm getting ready to go down to Illinois to spend Christmas with the extended family. Hopefully I'll be asleep by the time we pass the five crosses alongside the interstate.

I hope everyone has a nice Christmas!

quick update

quick update

Here are some things I'll forget to write if I don't write them down now:

- I added some links: Brian, Ryan, and Ali (my roomie)'s blogs, and Erik's site. Brian likes it when people leave comments. :)
- Here are the updates that the Leader Telegram wrote about some of us who were injured in the accident. As I mentioned in a previous post, the updates accompanied a story about Jessi that was in Sunday's paper. I'm really not very difficult to reach for comment; the reporter was pretty lazy.
- My music history final couldn't have gone better. I figured I'd end up leaving most of it blank since I was gone for so much of the semester and haven't done much reading since the accident. And I couldn't concentrate well enough to study much. However, the final was pretty much all on the material covered since I went back to class. The essay questions were so broad that they were pretty easy to answer. I shouldn't have been so worried anyway - the final was on music in the past 60 years or so. I'm a percussionist, that's my time period.
- Prof. Hellenbrand is letting me take an incomplete in music history so I can finish my paper over break. Say what you will about him, but he's been very helpful through all of this.
- My grade report pisses me off: all W's and IN's (withdrawals and incompletes), with the exception of A's in my percussion classes. Woohoo, I got two credits this semester. What a fucking waste of time and money. I used to pride myself in never having to repeat or otherwise withdraw from a class. At least I have a good reason. I'm usually so committed to school that I have to keep telling myself to not feel like it's my fault that this semester was such a waste.
- Eric came over and had a beer with me last night. Yay! I'm going to make my first venture out to the bars next week. I don't get to drink much at all really, but it will be fun to go out with friends again. It's what I've been looking forward to for a while.

picking up the pieces

picking up the pieces

This morning I stopped in at Chi-Hi. Andrei asked Ben to come in and talk with the percussionists about technique and things like that, and Ben invited me to come along. It was the first time I'd been there since the visitation, which almost doesn't count because I was on heavy painkillers, and I didn't spend much time in the band room. I just about lost it when we came in the building and I saw a bunch of banners with well-wishes from other high school bands. I suddenly wanted to turn around and go home and not have to deal with it. But I held it in well, and the feeling passed, and I went into the band room. It's all decorated for the holidays, complete with a huge, garland-wrapped inflatable moose hanging from the ceiling. I'm not really sure where the moose came from, but it's pretty funny.

I'd heard the office had been completely re-done, so I wasn't too surprised when I saw it. It's cozy - dark red paint on one of the walls and a synthetic wood floor. It was really hard to see it all changed, though. If you've never been in Chi-Hi's band room, the office and band room face eachother and are separated by large windows. As a student I remember G keeping an eye on us through his window, and as a staff member I spent a considerable amount of time in there. The room I remember is completely gone, changed. It was sad to not see a single thing of G's in there. I know that was done at Brian's request, but I hope that once he comes back to teach, he'll decide to bring back one or two of G's things into the office. Or maybe he won't; it depends on what he's comfortable with. Andrei told me that most of G's stuff from the office was given to his family. The rest was put in a box and stowed in the uniform storage room. I don't blame them for hiding it away like that, since I couldn't even bring myself to go look at what was left.

One of the reasons I came with Ben today was to talk to the percussionists about getting all the percussion equipment consolidated and organized. The percussion stuff is in about four different areas of the band room and there's more in the school basement. Nobody ever knows where anything is, and when Ryan and I come in the summer and start setting things up for marching band, we waste so much time looking for cymbals or random instruments. It's nobody's fault, it's just that there are so many people using this equipment and nobody ever knows how or where to put it away when they're done. I asked the students to come up with a system of organization so that everything has a "home". I also asked them to go through the basement and look for cymbals or anything else that could be used in the band room. I don't think there's really anything important in the basement though - it's mostly old battery percussion and drum cases. I put two percussionists in charge of the whole organization process because they have a study hall that they spend in the band room, and Andrei told me they could use a project.

I called Brian last night to make sure it was okay with him that I was asking the students to do that. He thought it was a great idea, and told me that eventually he and I and the other staffers should go down in the basement and decide what old drums and cases we can get rid of. I'm hoping we can put some of it on ebay - the drums are old and worn out, but there are vintage drum collectors out there who may be interested. It's going to be hard to make decisions on some of that stuff. I really don't know why G kept all the drums. He was probably the only one who knew what all is down there. But now I guess if Brian has no plans to use some of that stuff, there's no use holding on to it.

I'm gaining more and more appreciation for the amount of work G did for the school's music department. He had it running like a well-oiled machine. The problem (as I'm sure Andrei knows well) is that he wasn't the best at writing things down. G taught his AP music theory class for years, and had only recently started writing down his teaching methods. Important phone numbers and addresses were on notes stuck in random places around his desk. Shortly after the accident, a new xylophone showed up - G and Brian had agreed upon ordering one but Brian had no idea when it was going to come. I don't know what supplier G ordered sticks, mallets, and drum heads from at the beginning of every season or what exactly he ordered, so hopefully Todd has some idea about that one. We were so fortunate to have a percussionist as our band director, because he knew everything about the equipment. I just about cried today when the kids told me the old set of chimes were broken, because they said they were beyond repair, but I know G would have found a way to fix them. It's weird to be looked up to by Brian as someone who knows percussion equipment (the rest of the percussion staff will probably feel the same way soon). I used to ask G all that stuff, but other than Todd, now there's nobody to look up to. G used to have me replace the strings on the mallet instruments (the strings go through the keys), but I always had to ask him to tie the ends. I could never get it, and he used to tease me for it. I guess I'll have to figure out how to do it now.

These last few days have been rough, and it doesn't help that I have a music history final tomorrow. I haven't studied enough. We'll see how it goes. And because I need more to worry about, one of my cats has an icky sore on his paw and has to go to the vet. Good thing my awesome roommate is going to take him to the vet for me.

Sorry for the downer post. Things aren't all bad - I have a couple exciting weeks ahead of me, I just have to get this stupid final out of the way and then I'll be a lot happier. And it was really nice to get out of the house and see my Chi-Hi kids today. Good luck if you're as unfortunate as me and are still taking finals!

end of the year

end of the year

Branden was supposed to have graduated from UWEC yesterday. It would have been a day filled with celebration for him, his family, and his friends. The semester and the year are winding down, and many of us are ready for new beginnings. But now, as the year draws to a close, three families are facing their first holiday season after their loved ones were taken from them as a result of the accident. Please continue to keep them in your thoughts.

The LT did a story on Jessi's recovery in today's paper. The print edition includes some info that the online story doesn't have: some background information on the crash, a list of the fatalities, and a nice update on everyone who was injured (except for me - "could not be reached for comment", my ass). Here's a link, but you might be required to do a free registration before reading it.

If you haven't done so already, please read the speech Pat gave during the commencement ceremonies yesterday. He posted it on his blog - you'll find a link on the right.

progress.

progress.

Just when I was starting to get pretty stressed out at what I thought was a lack of physical progress, things haved started going a little better again. Yesterday I regained the ability to move my little toe, and also I noticed I'm regaining feeling above my ankle. I guess I didn't even realize how much feeling I'd lost.

Physical therapy went well today. My therapist pushed on my straightened leg some more, which was still painful, but I was stronger this time. He told me that not only was I dealing with it better than before, but also he was pushing on it harder than last time. When he pushes on it hard, it's about three degrees from being straight. My ligaments have been really sore the past few days, which apparently is a good sign, because you have to get your leg pretty straight before your ligaments begin to strain. My therapist also noticed that I'm not getting dizzy or fatigued so easily, which is good progress. This stuff is all a big deal to me, that's why I bother giving details :) After working with my therapist, I learned some new exercises from one of my athletic trainers, and he gave me a physioball to take home. Yay!

So today marks two months since the accident. Can you believe it's only been that long? Time is crawling by. When I think back to how I was doing at various points during my recovery, I can't believe how far I've come physically. The pain is still pretty constant, but instead of being sharp pains from deep within my bones, it's now just more of a general ache. I have a lot of muscle and ligament soreness now, but I don't mind that because it's evidence of my hard work. The last of my bruises are fading and my ankle incision has almost closed up. I still have that stupid upholstery burn on my cheek, but the nurses tell me that should fade within the next year or so.

I hope that the others who were hurt are looking back at October 16th and are happy with the progress they've made since then. I saw Andrew a couple weeks ago and he's walking pretty normally now. One of his fingers wasn't able to straighten yet, but almost. Ryan's cuts are all healed up, and I don't think he's found any more glass lately. Raji is hoping to be able to drive soon - his ankle should be pretty well healed by now. I haven't talked to Ruth much lately, but every time I do talk to her it sounds like she's working hard in occupational therapy and making a lot of progress. Jessie still can't walk, but she is now finally able to answer emails, which I see as a really good sign. I hear the other Jessi went back to school a week or two ago. Brian went to the band concert early in the week and even stood up to give the students a speech. Cassie is currently learning how to walk again, and visited her classmates last week. Andrea seems stronger every time I talk to her. Emotional recovery is going to take a long time for these people and for everyone else affected by the accident, but at least the healing process has begun.

I used to be so angry about all these people I care about having to struggle with their recoveries, but now that I see how much progress everyone has made, I can be happy knowing how far they've come. We all still have a long way to go, physically and emotionally, but I hope I speak for everyone when I say we've reached a point where we can look back and be proud of ourselves for the obstacles we've overcome. We'll have the memories and the scars all our lives, but we'll also have the knowledge that we fought this battle and won.

insert profundity here

insert profundity here

I feel like I should say something profound. But it's always been easier for me to put complicated matters into music, rather than words. I tend to try not to think very hard about matters of life and death. I don't know if I've always been this way or if I've changed since my friend Paul died a few years ago. The way I see it, nothing I can think about will change the way some things are. Or am I worried of the things my mind might dream up? I let my mind wander freely when I play music, but otherwise I try to keep it in check.

CFMA has made available for purchase a photograph of the marching band immediately following their performance at championships, just a few hours before the bus crash. There's a quote on it attributed to G - I don't think it's an exact quote, since I never heard him address his students as "kids", but it's nice all the same. While I'm on the subject, I'm beginning to be annoyed with the description of this year's championships show as the "best ever". As far as placings go, we've gotten third place or I think better in the past. Also, determining which show was the "best ever" is so subjective. And the way I see it, if we reduce the entire season to how the music sounded during the last performance, we're undermining everything G taught us. It's oversimplified. In G's marching band program, it's never been all about the end result - it's been about the path there. And every season is special. Every championships performance is rife with emotion and excitement. Let's not detract from the wonderful memories our alumni have by suggesting to them that this year was better than the others. While I agree that the performance was outstanding this year, what's important is that the students created memories they'll keep all their lives - something that happens every year in that band. Sorry, that rant came out of nowhere. But I do agree that the music was better than ever, and while I think G was happy after every chamionships performance, he was glowing after that one. Anyway, back to the photographs. All proceeds go to Brian's recovery fund. Click here for more info and to see the photos.

end of the semester

end of the semester

I have so many things on my mind tonight, but I don't think they would all translate well into words. I'm too tired, and I'm on painkillers, and some things just naturally can't be summed up in words. But I'll give it a shot.

I was supposed to turn in my non-existant music history paper today. Whoops. Looks like I'll probably be taking another incomplete. I rock at school. This semester was such a waste of time and money. I was looking forward to winter break so that I'd have time to relax and focus on my recovery, but now that I have to make up a class and finish up the classes I took incompletes in, I'm probably going to be just as busy as ever.

My exercises are going okay. I'm still working hard, but I feel like I've gotten to the point where I'm not making much progress. I think all the progress from this point is going to be in small increments, and will involve a lot of hard work and pain. I'm trying to get my leg straight so that the doctors and therapists don't have to straighten it for me. I'll do anything if it means not having anyone push on my leg anymore.

Lately a lot of people have been telling me they don't want to complain to me because they think I've got it worse and won't want to hear about their problems. I like hearing about what's going on in everyone else's lives though, even if it involves complaining. It helps me to get my mind off of the things I'm dealing with, and being able to give advice is kind of therapeutic. I'm worried that people don't think they have the right to grieve or be sad because other people "have it worse". Don't feel that way.

I was going to write more but I'm tired and my brain isn't working well. I'll leave you with a link to the Chi-Hi newsletter (PDF format) with a nice letter written by Dr. Sauter: http://chihi.chipfalls.k12.wi.us/includes/content/file.asp?id=148&view=file

they can't all be good days

they can't all be good days

Well, I went to physical therapy this morning, and it started out okay. Then I started doing a leg press type thing (laying on my back), and my therapist put a 10-pound weight on my knee, and then he started really pushing hard on my leg to try and get it straight. He would push hard for a while, then give me a chance to relax, then do it again. After a few of those, I broke down and started to cry. The therapist gave me a chance to catch my breath, and then tried to straighten my leg some more. Then I worked with my athletic trainer, who noticed I was having a hard day and took it easy on me. Having a breakdown like that was weird since pain doesn't normally have that effect on me. I felt stupid and disappointed in myself. I think part of it is that I'm so stressed out from school. It's frustrating that school can affect my physical recovery like that.

The rest of the day wasn't so bad - my mom and I went to the mall to kill some time before my class. My mom also noticed I was having a hard day, so she did everything she could to cheer me up. I got new PJ pants from Vicky's. They're fuzzy and have a dog on them. That helps.

After class I came home and took a nap. I was planning on going to the band concert at the high school, but my dad woke me up and then told me to go back to sleep because apparently I looked exhausted. I feel really bad for missing the concert, because I know the students and Andrei and probably a bunch of other people wanted to see me there. I think it would have been too overwhelming for me, though. I was so tired that I didn't trust my body to get down the front steps without falling on my face. And it's still really tiring to be around big groups of people. I'll probably try to visit the high school sometime soon, like maybe next week. It's easier for me to go places during the day than it is to go somewhere at night.

To my credit, it wasn't a completely wasted day. I worked a little on a presentation I have to give on Wednesday, and then I did some exercises for a while. My dad told me I didn't have to do exercises if I felt too tired. I must look really shitty today, because it's rare for everyone to be cutting me slack. I don't want people to take it easy on me. I've come to accept that there are a lot of bad days during the recovery process. I'm at such a critical point with my physical therapy, though, that I can't afford to have many bad days. So I'm frustrated and I hope tomorrow will be better. I don't even know what my deal is today, except that I'm tired and stressed out and apparently have a low tolerance for pain.

Anyway, enough about today. As you probably know, I played in the holiday lobby concert at the Fine Arts building last Friday. If you've never seen the concert, it's hard to explain. Basically, a lot of small ensembles play Christmas songs and it's a lot of fun. It's attended mostly by the music department and by old people and little kids. Santa comes to hand out candy canes toward the end. Anyway, I played with the marimba ensemble (or "maramba", if you listen to the news story). It was an amazing feeling, playing music again. The piece we played wasn't exactly challenging but it was fun anyway. Everyone in the department was so supportive of me. I could go on and on about how awesome the music department is, but I'm too tired.

news story

news story

http://www.weau.com/news

click on "Amy's Concert" on the right side

Playing in the concert was the "surprise" I mentioned last week. :)

heavier things

heavier things

I don't like riding in cars anymore. I wish I didn't have to ride to EC every day for class or appointments. I freak out a little every time the brakes are hit too hard or a yellow light is run or whenever it's snowing or dark. When something about the car ride bothers me, I deal with it the same way I deal with everything else - I stop thinking about it and eventually it goes away. Sometimes when I'm in the car and the weather's bad, I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up when we get to wherever we're going. I think it would be hard for me to fall asleep in a moving vehicle though, since that's the last thing I did before the bus accident. I'll be so happy when I can drive myself. I don't know if I'll feel much safer, but I will probably feel more in control of the situation.

Today was long and exhausting, but it wasn't a bad day overall. I went to class using my crutches instead of the wheelchair. It was hard to concentrate on class because the pain in my ankle was pretty bad, but I don't think being in the wheelchair would have helped that. I've just been sore lately because my ankle is getting used to supporting some weight.

I visited with Brian for a while today. It was nice to spend time with hiim again. Talking with him made me start thinking again about things I haven't thought of for a while. (That was an awkward sentence and I don't care.) I'm not going to talk about those things because it's all been said already. Anyway, I kind of feel guilty that I'm thinking about getting my life back to normal sometime in the near future, and in the meantime there are others who were involved in the accident who will be suffering for a long time yet. I know I shouldn't feel guilty because the others are happy to see the recovery I've made, and I think I'm probably a good role model for them as they heal. It's just a weird feeling when you're in the midst of the most difficult time of your life and you know other people you care about are in that same spot. But it brings me hope when I think about how far I've come, and I know the others will come just as far - if not now, then eventually.

When I was at Brian's, he had a few other visitors. One of them said she'd talked to a girl who was riding toward the back of the bus who woke up during the accident. She said it was the weirdest thing - apparently because of the way buses are constructed, in the back of the bus they didn't really feel the impact. It just felt like the bus slowed down and kind of "floated". Because of that and since it was so dark, I guess the people in the back of the bus had no idea what happened. For all they knew, the bus could have just broken down. Isn't that weird? I guess they would have heard the impact, but I don't know what people heard or what they slept through or what they remember. These are the kinds of things I think about when I sit at home all day.

This is kind of a heavy post, so I will end it with something funny. Today I came to the realization that when people become adults, they forget how to make paper snowflakes. You know when you fold a piece of paper and cut some shapes out of it and then open it up and it looks like a snowflake? I think there's some sort of cut-off age when you can no longer make a decent-looking snowflake. Maybe there is an exception if you are a teacher, because someone has to teach kids how to make them. Anyway, I was sitting outside a gas station today while my mom went inside, and I noticed the workers had hung a bunch of paper snowflakes in the window in an attempt to be festive. They were pretty bad. I don't recall seeing real snowflakes shaped like dog bones. The best ones of the bunch were amoeba-shaped things that looked like they'd been attacked with a hole punch during a fit of boredom. My critique is harsh but I don't think my own snowflakes would look any better. I remember sitting at work last year and making some because I was bored, and it was hard! I wasn't happy with any of them and ended up throwing them all away. When I was little, my snowflakes were awesome. Or maybe I was just too young to realize that snowflakes aren't shaped like dog bones or amoebas. Anyway, next time I'll just ask a kid to make some snowflakes for me.

Oh, watch TV 13 tomorrow at 5 or 6.

priorities

priorities

Today was a good day because physical therapy went really well. Last night I did about an hour and a half worth of exercises while my dad coached me. We worked mostly on trying to get my leg straight. During physical therapy today, my therapist & athletic trainer said they could tell I worked on it a lot last night. My knee was a little stiff today when I tried bending it since I focused mostly on straightening last night. That's not a big deal since straightening is more important than bending. I'm so close - I have another five degrees to go before my leg is straight. When I started physical therapy a couple weeks ago, I had fifteen degrees to go.

Despite all my progress in physical therapy, I kind of feel like a failure when I think about how I'm doing in school this semester. I know I shouldn't feel that way because I've been through a lot and it's understandable for me to have fallen behind. I guess I'm just used to thinking about my life in terms of how I'm doing in school. I took an incomplete in another class today because there is no way I'm going to be able to write five papers in the next week and a half. Now I only have one long paper to write, and a presentation to give, and then I'm done. Except that I'm not done; I have a whole lot of work to make up - I have to write those four papers and I have to finish my research project, which I also took an incomplete in. I totally forgot I was supposed to meet with Dr. Don today to talk about the progress I've made on my project. I haven't made any progress anyway. I emailed him last night and told him I'd forgotten and I wasn't prepared. I feel so unprofessional. But I explained that physical therapy is my top priority right now, and he agreed and told me to keep working hard at it. It's unfortunate that the most critical point in my physical therapy has to happen during the busiest time of the semester. It's hard to focus on therapy and not get stressed out by school, but I know that I only have this once chance to try and make a full recovery.

I'm pretty sore tonight and I can't concentrate enough to write well, but I'll fill out Tara's survey in an effort to be creative.

1. What brings you comfort?

Hot chocolate, stuffed animals & my many star-shaped pillows, my cats, friends & family, long bike rides, working out, hooded sweatshirts, locking myself in a practice room late at night and playing piano, relaxing with Raji and Ali, my futon, my patio, enjoying drinks at the GI with friends, spaghetti, Christmas

2. What is one quote that has left a profound impact on your life?

Well, I guess it changes often. A few that I am fond of right now:
"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it." - Maya Angelou
"We need not destroy the past. It is gone." - John Cage
"If someone says 'can't,' that shows you what to do." - John Cage
I am pretty much obsessed with Cage and I could probably fill this blog with his quotes. He was an avant-garde composer who changed the way our society thinks of music. He was also a philosopher and an artist. Read his stuff sometime, it's profound and funny.

3. What are three things on your life-list (list of things you want to do in this lifetime)?

Hmmm, this is a hard one. Ask me next week and it will probably be different.
In no particular order, I want to: get a doctorate, travel to London again (with my family this time), and own a vibraphone.

I added a question:

4. What made you most happy this year?

My recital, celebrating after my recital, getting a big raise at work, enjoying my summer to the fullest, spending lots of time with my friends, realizing what I want to do after college (grad school), making new friends, living with Ali, working with the marching band, finding out so many people were okay after the accident, having so much support during my continuing recovery, and probably lots more things.

Remember that time I was done with the painkillers? Yeah, I don't either...

Remember that time I was done with the painkillers? Yeah, I don't either...

Today started out when I woke up to aching pain in my ankle. It's been a few weeks since pain woke me up. I took some Tylenol and tried to fall asleep again but it was too late, I was already awake. Then my dad came in and changed the dressing on my ankle and noticed my foot was more swollen than usual - which was odd, since I sleep with my foot elevated. We called the orthopedic surgeon and he decided he wanted to see me today. I took a nap and then we went to see the doctor. He said the swelling and pain is totally normal, and to expect more of that as I start putting more weight on my ankle. He said my incision looks fine, and it should close up within a week. He gave me more antibiotics just to be sure it heals up okay. He also gave me a prescription for more percocet. I asked him if I should really be on narcotics again, and he said he wants me to take the painkillers so that I can really work hard during physical therapy. I'm not excited about being on percocet again, but at least this time it will be a much smaller dose - I'll be taking 1-2 a day, instead of 12. I shouldn't have to worry about becoming dependent again. I'm wary of the drugs though, after having so much trouble with the withdrawal.

Physical therapy went well today. I was there early so I ended up having like a 90-minute session. We're getting closer to making my leg go straight...

The percussion ensemble concert was great. I was wishing I was up on stage during "Omphalo Centric Lecture". I can play that piece in my sleep. Watching it from the audience wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, though. I got to play that piece on the concert a couple years ago, so now it was someone else's turn. Hana did a nice job covering my part. It's a tough part and she didn't have much time to learn it, so I was glad to see her do so well. Catherine did a beautiful job on "Marimba Spiritual". It made me think of G - when I was in high school, G introduced our AP music theory class to the video of the performing group Blast!. We insisted on watching it every day after that. One of the pieces on the video was "Marimba Spiritual", which I immediately fell in love with - it's so aggressive and dramatic.

I had a little time after the concert to talk to a lot of my friends. I hadn't seen some of them since they visited me in the hospital. It was so nice to see everyone! I miss being "in the loop." Eric joked with me that I am no longer the gossip hub, but I guess he's right. The downside is that I don't see my friends on a daily basis anymore and in some cases don't really know what's going on in their lives. Yet another reason why I can't wait for next semester, and for things to be back to normal. If you're reading this, send me an email sometime and let me know what you're up to these days. :)

I hope this post makes sense. I'm in such a daze from the percocet. Hopefully it will help me sleep, anyway.

Here we go, week seven

Here we go, week seven

I got in kind of an argument with my parents today. It didn't really have a point; I'm just frustrated with everything right now. I'm going to watch the percussion ensemble concert tomorrow night. It's going to be a hard concert for me to watch because I should be on stage playing on four of those pieces, but I can't because of my injuries. I absolutely love playing in percussion ensemble - I really look forward to the concert every semester. It's fun because the pieces are usually a challenge, and I enjoy playing with the other people in the ensemble. Anyway, I'm frustrated about that, and my dad told me I should be happy I will at least be there to listen to the concert. He's totally right, but I think it's valid for me to be upset that I can't be up on stage with everyone else tomorrow. It's hard being deprived of everything you love doing. But at least it's only been a couple months, and it shouldn't be much longer. I'll be there to cheer everyone on because that's the next best thing.

I've been trying to not feel sorry for myself but it's hard sometimes. After being in an accident, you're expected not only to heal, but also to be "strong". To be a role model. To be so thankful for everything that you can ignore all the hardships. I'm trying to be all of those things, but sometimes I can't help it - my mind wanders and I think about how badly I want to be playing music, or snowboarding, or just comfortably curled up on my futon with my kitties. And I feel like it probably isn't right for me to even say all that, because I know how lucky I am. All day I sit here and think about all the "what-ifs", and I think about how everyone else is recovering - physically, emotionally, or both. It isn't fair for any of us.

Well, there are like two weeks of school left, and I have about four papers to write. It's a good thing I only kept two of my classes this semester. I have to work hard the next couple weeks because nobody is going to write those papers for me. Unfortunately nobody is going to do my physical therapy for me either, and that's taking precedence over school. Oh well, I'll manage - I always do.

Today wasn't as bad as it sounds. The Soules and Andrea came to visit me, which was a lot of fun. I'll be happy when I can start spending more time in the Fine Arts building - I miss everyone!

amy: 1, avascular necrosis: 0

amy: 1, avascular necrosis: 0

I CAN WALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, sorta. I can put some weight on my foot, but not much. The MRI and yesterday's x-rays looked really good. Now my orthopedic surgeon is just worried about my knee. I can bend it further than before, but I still have a ways to go before I can straighten it. He told me that I really have to work hard at it because there's no surgery or anything that can fix my knee if I can't get it straight enough. My orthopedic surgeon makes me mad sometimes because he makes it seem like I just don't want to straighten my leg because it hurts too much. Yes, it hurts, but that's not what's stopping me - my muscles are so tight that I physically can't push my knee past a certain point. But I am working really hard at it, because I'll be damned if I have to have a permanent limp.

After yesterday's doctor appointment, I had physical therapy. I got to try some new exercises now that I can bear weight. I used a leg press type thing. It felt good to use some different muscles, but putting weight on my right heel hurt a lot. It's still bruised because it took all of the impact from the crash. During therapy, I was able to put about 10-15 lbs on my right leg. Now I can kinda put weight on my leg when I'm using crutches. That's a good thing because it will actually help my broken bones heal faster.

Today my family and I went out to eat and I used my crutches instead of the wheelchair, and sat in a booth. My ankle was pretty sore but I'm so ready to be done with the stupid wheelchair. It's a piece of junk. Normally I have to keep my foot up so it doesn't swell too much, but my circulation is improving now that I can put some weight on my foot.

Okay, time to play videogames.

headache

headache

I am in kind of a "blah" mood due to a persistent headache. I know I need to do some exercises and work on a paper, but right now I'm having trouble doing anything other than staring into space or compulsively checking my email.

This morning I made up a music history quiz. Let me rephrase that: this morning I pretended I've been doing the required reading for the past seven weeks. I think I did okay though, thanks to some effective skimming last night. Prof. Hellenbrand talked to me about the outline I turned in for my research paper, and basically told me I need to provide more background information, and said my outline didn't really reflect the things we discussed. I just wanted to say, "what the fuck do you expect from me?" But he's already been really accomodating, and I might as well put some sort of effort into this paper. I'm so angry at my complete loss of motivation. I've been working on an independent study since the beginning of summer and I'm writing my music history paper on the same topic. I used to love spending time in the library working on it. I think lately I'm just too tired to care about school. I have to exercise three or four times a day and it takes a lot out of me. The pain wears me out, too. At least it's getting better every day.

So... doctor's appointment tomorrow. Depending on whether or not I have avascular necrosis (see previous posts), I either get to start putting weight on my ankle soon or I have to wait till like February. I'm trying not to think about it too much but it's hard. It goes without saying that life was so much easier before the accident. But you don't realize until you're in a situation like this just how many aspects of your life have to change. I never used to think anything of standing to play percussion, or moving percussion equipment around, or whatever. Now I have to think about things like, can I be in band next semester? If so, what will I do with my crutches when I'm playing? Will Dr. Heidel give me extra time to tune tympani so I can use my left foot? Will I even be able to stand on my own in time for the semester to start? Stupid details that I shouldn't have to worry about. But it could be worse, at least I can play percussion again sometime. I should be thankful for having the chance to worry about those stupid details.

When I think about tomorrow's doctor appointment, it makes me think about the last time I was there, two weeks ago. That's the day I got my cast taken off and started physical therapy. I've come so far since then. The skin on my leg used to be painfully sensitive and I generally was in a lot more pain. Physical therapy has helped a lot because it has improved my circulation and my muscles have begun to repair. It's amazing how fast your muscles forget how they're supposed to move, but I'm regaining a lot of motion. My knee is still pretty stiff, but physical therapy has helped that too. It's weird when you try to bend or straighten your leg and it just stops. It isn't the pain that stops me; all my muscles are so tight that I just physically can't move it any further. It's totally normal but it's an odd feeling. Anyway, I've gained a lot of strength in the past couple weeks. I hate the fact that I've lost so much weight since the accident. I used to be fairly active but now I've lost a lot of muscle. I hate feeling so weak. I hate not being able to trust my body, and knowing I have to pace myself when I do my exercises because I need enough strength to get back into bed.

On a more positive note, I spent a long time talking with Dr. Crowell today about Chi-Hi and some other stuff. I have a surprise, but you're going to have to wait a week to find out what it is ;)

Thanks for all the comments you guys have been leaving me. They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Today wasn't really as bad as this post made it seem - it was kind of just uneventful once I got home from the Fine Arts building.

I don't know what's up with this site but it hasn't been letting me set the time. It's like 7 - YAY time for more tylenol.