how raji and i spent our friday night

how raji and i spent our friday night

Well, I ended up going to the ER last night. I kept feeling more and more sick, to the point where I could barely stand up. I got really pale and cold. Raji took me in to the ER, where I was given some anti-nausea medicine. Unfortunately it took them so long to go through my records and everything, by the time I got the medicine down I puked it back up. I felt a little better after that. Then after an eternity, the nurse gave me another anti-nausea pill. She also gave me a prescription to pick up, and then sent us on our way. Raji (best boyfriend ever) took me home to sleep and then went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription, along with some powerade and crackers. He got back over here and I woke up long enough to take an anti-nausea pill and some painkillers. Then I went to sleep (sometime around midnight) and just woke up at 1pm.

I guess the problem was that the painkillers my doctor gave me aren't supposed to be taken together, since they're basically the same thing. When I got those prescriptions before my surgery, I asked my doctor if it was okay to take them at the same time, and he said yes. I probably misunderstood him - it's really confusing. One of the painkillers is a long-lasting version of the other painkiller. I think maybe I was just supposed to take the shorter-lasting ones as needed if I was really in a lot of pain, as opposed to taking it regularly, like I was. I don't think I'm going to take the long-lasting ones anymore, and just use the other ones regularly. So basically I ended up taking too many painkillers because I was confused and I was in a lot of pain. It sucked because the last thing I wanted to do after I got home from the hospital was take another painkiller since I was so sick, but I was in a lot of pain. I ended up waiting until Raji showed up with my anti-nausea medicine and then took painkillers.

Okay this post is long and probably confusing, but that's what happens when I'm sick and in pain and on drugs.

blah

blah

I was right when I thought today would be bad. I'm in a lot of pain and I'm dealing with nausea too. I slept most of the day, and I'll probably go back to sleep soon. My mom bought me a featherbed topper thing for my futon mattress, so my bed is really comfy now. That's a good thing since I'm spending most of my time in bed. Speaking of which, it's time to lie down.

six down, one to go

six down, one to go

I'm home from surgery! I'm pretty sore but it's not unbearable. It was hard keeping the pain under control when I woke up from the anesthesia, but now it's feeling a little better. Hopefully tomorrow won't be as bad as I think it might be...

The surgery went really well. Apparently when my doctor took the screws out of my knee, the rod pretty much fell out of my femur. The surgery took about half the amount of time my doctor thought it would. I got to take the metal home, and I'll post photos whenever I get around to taking some. I'm really surprised at how long the screws are. It's weird to think they fit in my knee. No wonder they were starting to bother me so much.

I have to use the leg machine again, which I'm not too excited about. Oh well, hopefully I'll regain my knee motion pretty quickly. It's nice having an exercise bike - that will help.

If you get a chance, you should stop by! My mom is paranoid because both of my roommates are out of town for the weekend, and she's worried nobody will be around if there's an emergency, so visitors = really cool. I think Raji will probably be with me when he's not working, so that helps. Yay boyfriend.

quick update

quick update

I got home from Illinois on Sunday. My grandma was released from the hospital that day, and one of my cousins is going to be living with her at least until she's done with radiation. Right now things are working out, and let's hope my grandma continues to recover.

I'm having surgery tomorrow to have some hardware removed from my femur & knee. I think this one isn't going to be too bad, but now I'm a little nervous since my doctor gave me prescriptions for two different pain pills. Also, he wants me to take a mega-dose BEFORE surgery, which he's never asked me to do. I'm remembering how much I hate knee surgery. Time for the stupid leg machine and lots of ice again. Anyway, I should be home sometime tomorrow afternoon, so stop by if you're bored. :)

update

update

I'm not very impressed with the hospital my grandma is in. It's huge and pretty and my grandma has about four different doctors, none of whom talk to eacother. They often give us conflicting information. They haven't been able to figure out what's going on with her, so they decided to send her home today. To complicate matters, my dad has a lot of siblings, and they and their spouses all have different ideas about what's been going on. There has been a lot of bickering. I wish I were younger, because I don't want to know what they're arguing about. I'm sick of them asking for my opinion, trying to get me to take a side.

In the meantime, my grandma looks worn out, but otherwise she seems like her usual self. She is not deaf or senile like people assume, and she reminds us of this fact every time she adds something to a hushed-voices conversation people are having about her. One of the doctors put her on blood thinners a few days ago, then another doctor decided her blood was too thin, so yesterday she received a blood transfusion. In good news, the tumor in her lung has shrunk a little.

On to lighter things... I seem to have been put in charge of the dogs while all this is going on. That's okay by me, since they actually listen to me. Well, Felix does anyway. He's actually pretty well-behaved when he wants to be.

Yesterday I went to a Trader Joe's for the first time. I really wish we had one near EC. It's basically a health foods grocery store, and everything is pretty cheap. Before going there, we walked all over downtown Naperville, where there are a lot of little shops and restaurants. I wish I hadn't worn sandals since my ankle is killing me now, but it's too hot to wear regular shoes. Apparently down here summers are called "the furnace" because it's hot and windy. Oh well, at least it's not as sticky as Wisconsin's few weeks of summer.

scatterbrained

scatterbrained

Well, I'm in Illinois now. My grandma is in the hospital for the next few days because she has to have some medicines administered through an IV, but she should be okay. My dad and I stopped at the farmer's market today and picked up her favorite bread and some fresh strawberries for her, so hopefully that will cheer her up a little.

I missed Chi-Hi's first summer drumline rehearsal to come down here today. It's kind of a long story but my mom has been down here the past week helping out, and then my dad and I were going to come down for the weekend. We were planning on going down tomorrow, but the drumline rehearsal was the only thing keeping us from going earlier, and now with my grandma in the hospital I decided it was more important for us to come down here. I wish I could have been at rehearsal, but I'm too stressed out to even think about teaching right now. I like to go into rehearsals with a few specific goals in mind, but I can't think clearly enough right now to even know where to begin.

My next surgery is coming up in a week, which is probably contributing to my stress right now. I know the surgery won't be a big deal. It's just draining to think about the fact that I have to go through recovery again (not even for the last time yet), and it's summer - there are so many better things I could be doing. But now is the best time to have this surgery, and then at least I'll have it out of the way.

There are other things stressing me out right now (like school), but they aren't important right now. When I have a lot of things on my mind, it's hard for me to sort out what matters now and what things I don't have to worry about for a while.

Anyway, things aren't all bad. Illinois is kind of boring so far - I should have brought more books. We're going to see my grandma tomorrow, and maybe I'll feel better after seeing her. Most reports on my grandma come from my mom, who tends to exaggerate, so I'm hoping she isn't as bad as I think.

i've had better days

i've had better days

Today the defense was granted a change of venue. The trial will be held an hour or so away from EC. I won't go into how I feel about that. I will say, however, that the trial is going to come at the worst possible time: next semester during the last week of classes, or finals week, or something like that (I'm not totally sure because I haven't looked at the academic calendar yet). I'm probably going to see if I can take all of my finals early because even if I don't go to the trial, it's going to be the only thing on my mind while it's in progress. As if I don't have enough to worry about before I graduate.

I'll be going down to Illinois tomorrow to see my grandma and spend the weekend with my extended family. It will be nice to see everyone again - the last time I was down there was for Christmas. I'm worried about my grandma though, she's back in the hospital again. I think they're going to let her go home tomorrow though.

I had physical therapy today, and it went pretty well. I'm able to leg press 40 lbs now (using both legs). My knee is still pretty sore though from my walk to DQ. Or maybe it's because it's going to rain soon, I don't know.

Well, I think that's about it for now. Here's a photo I took from my old street (I developed it at work today)

cookie dough marathon

cookie dough marathon

Yesterday Ben and I walked to DQ from my house. It's probably four blocks from here, but a little farther if you take the bike trail (which we did). That was the farthest I've walked since the accident. By the time I got back home, I was really sore and my knee kept trying to give out, and then I took a two hour nap. It was totally worth it though because it was a big accomplishment. And because DQ is yummy.

blogging

blogging

Okay, so it's been a while since I've updated. I guess there's not much to say these days. Summer is nice. I'm glad I didn't take any summer classes - for the first time in almost a year, I'm able to relax and not have things hanging over my head. Well, for the most part anyway.

The new place is starting to be pretty cozy now that things are mostly unpacked. This neighborhood is a lot louder than my last one (not surprising), but I kind of like that. There are always things going on and people to talk to.

I went back to work this week! My manager finally had time to train me on the new machines. I only worked for a couple hours, but it was really overwhelming. The equipment is completely different than what we had when I worked there last. Basically I'm learning everything all over again. I think I'll catch on pretty quick though.

I'm enjoying summer but I do get a little depressed when I can't do "normal" things. Usually in the summer I would go on a long bike ride every day, but I don't have the strength to do that yet. Last weekend Raji wanted to go to Big Falls (a park on the river), but I couldn't go because I can't walk on rocks. I have trouble walking on pretty much any surface that isn't flat and paved.

Anyway, I've been finding other ways to keep busy. I spend a lot of time working out, and at my athletic trainer's suggestion, I've been trying to go for walks every day. I live a block away from the bike trail, so that makes me happy. I can't go very far, but one of these days I'll walk to DQ and buy myself a blizzard.

Oh, my next surgery is coming up in a couple weeks. My surgeons will be taking the rest of the hardware out of my leg. I'm a little stressed about it because I want to be able to enjoy my summer, instead of being laid up again. But at least I don't have to try and do homework while on painkillers - that was always interesting.

In other news, my grandma is not doing so well. She's undergoing radiation therapy for her lung cancer and it's been really hard on her. I'll probably be going down to Illinois sometime soon. It's a trip I'm really not looking forward to.

(http://www.nataliedee.com/)

moving

moving

Sorry for the lack of updates, Ali and I are in the midst of moving. The new place is great! It's taking me a long time to get settled because I have to take breaks so often. I have a lot of stuff, and a small bedroom. It should all fit, but the process is like playing Tetris. I am currently resting with my foot up because my ankle has been swelling pretty badly. Last night I had to use one of my crutches to help me walk because it hurt so much. I guess I should take more breaks, but that's annoying because I just want to finish unpacking. Anyway, if you want to come visit, give me a call and I'll let you know where the new place is. :)

Check out Becky's blog to read what her sister Theresa has been going through. I'm so glad she's okay.

vent

vent

Okay... I knew I shouldn't have expected to do very well in school this past semester, but I've always tried to get good grades, and it's hard for me to watch that go down the drain. Especially since I WOULD be doing well if it hadn't been for the accident. Prior to October I was working hard to get myself ready for grad school, and now it's frustrating beyond words that I've had to shift my focus. I guess I shouldn't be so upset because it's not like I did horribly in all my classes, but my grades are worse (by far) than what I would normally achieve. These past seven months have required more determination and strength than I ever knew I had, and I've never worked so hard at school as I did this past semester. I wish my grades reflected that.

I was so proud of myself for finishing all my school work for the past year, and then I got an email from one of my profs from last semester. I just finished up all my outstanding papers from that class, and she sent me an email picking apart everything I've turned in. I can take constructive criticism (I mean, come on, I studied piano under Dossin) but it was more critical than constructive, especially considering the circumstances under which I wrote those papers. Then I saw my grades for a couple of the classes I took this semester, and let's just say I don't normally see those grade letters on my transcript. At least I passed.

Whatever. I'm tired and I wish I could just close this chapter of my life already.

all these things that i've done

all these things that i've done

This semester, I:
had two surgeries.
moved back to EC.
was able to start driving again (and learned how to drive stick while I was at it).
learned how to walk without crutches.
played tympani at Viennese ball (a week after having surgery).
played piano on a whole bunch of pieces for wind symphony.
started working on a really difficult marimba solo.
signed a lease on a new apartment.
took 9 credits of classes.
wrote six papers so that I could finish my incompletes from last semester.
did lots of other things I'm forgetting.

So this is pretty much the same post as yesterday, but I accomplished a lot this semester, so I'm happy :)

an open letter

an open letter

...to anyone who worried about or doubted my ability to finish my classes this year:

No need to worry anymore. I just finished my final paper for my last incomplete class (a few days early, even). I worked my butt off and completed 9 credits for this semester and my 6 credits (three classes) worth of incompletes from last semester. I'm not even close to being done with this incredibly difficult period of my life, but I am finally free from school, at least for a few months. I can't even express how good that feels.

Hey 2005-2006 school year: Fuck off. I won.

:)

i need a fucking vacation

i need a fucking vacation

I want to take a flight somewhere - it doesn't really matter where. That's all I've wanted to do since October. It won't happen anytime soon because I don't have any money.

you will have this moment for the rest of your lives

you will have this moment for the rest of your lives

Yesterday was the big day - the memorial concert. It was pretty much everything you would expect: there were moments of sadness, joy, and everything in between, accompanied by some amazing music. I think all the ensembles played really well. I got to play with the 11/12th grade band and a bunch of fellow alumni, and then I played with UWEC's wind symphony. The chi-hi seniors played with us on the world premiere of "Threnody" - the commissioned piece written by Jim Bonney. (Read his blog entry about the concert. He may not be Yeats or Kipling, but he can put the experience into words better than I can.)

I talked with Jim before and after the concert, and I can't say enough nice things about him. It must have been hard for him to write the piece from an outsider's perspective, but he told me that he followed all the news stories and tried to learn as much as he could about the accident and its aftermath. He may be an outsider, but the piece is perfect. If you weren't there to hear it, I'll let you know when I get the recording.

It was nice to talk to people before and after the concert. I got to catch up with a lot of alumni that I haven't seen in a while. I also got to talk with one of the chaperones who was on one of the buses and helped out immediately following the accident. She wanted to know all about how I'm doing and how my head healed up. It was hard to talk to her because I remember everything that happened after the accident except for who was with me. I know she helped save my life, but I don't remember specifics. Some things are too hard to talk about still, and I'm not ready to hear her account of the accident.

I guess I thought the concert would be my chance to finally grieve about the accident. As Sean told me, this would be my chance to "let it all out". But I didn't - maybe I'm just not there in the grieving process yet. I thought I would feel better after the concert, like I'd have some closure. I don't think I achieved that though. I almost feel worse now - like that was my chance to "get over it" and I didn't. It was hard for me to really express how I was feeling because I think I'm farther behind most people in the grieving process and I didn't want to bring everyone down. Anyway, I'm starting to truly understand that this is going to affect me for the rest of my life, and only time is going to make it easier. If I've learned anything through this experience, it's how to be patient - not only to get through my physical recovery, but to cope with the losses.

After the concert, a bunch of us went out for a while and ended up talking about what everyone remembered of the accident. It was incredibly hard to listen to everyone's accounts, but I wanted to know anyway. It was hard because I know what everyone was going through - dealing with their own injuries and with the uncertainty about how everyone else was doing. I learned a little more about Branden's last hours, and that was really sad. During the conversation I remembered some new things, like when I was in the ER and I asked the nurses, "was anyone killed?" - they didn't know how to respond. I would give anything to not have any memories of the accident aftermath or the ER.

A few of us made our way to some of the other bars then and I saw a lot of old and new friends, and had a great time, all things considered. Normally I'm shy around people I don't know very well, but I'm trying to change that. I feel like I missed out because I never got to know Branden very well, and I don't want to miss out on anything else. Also, I know that I'm going to be leaving EC in another year, so I want to make the most of it. Life is short.

This week is going to be bittersweet - I have a couple finals and then I'll be saying goodbye to a few people who are moving away, on to bigger and better things. It makes me kind of sad to know that I should also be moving on to something else, but there are worse things in the world than being stuck in a place like EC for another year.

This is random, but listen to Bjork's "Overture" off her "Selmasongs" CD. It's amazing.

dear everyone

dear everyone

If you were ever in Chi-Hi's marching band or worked with them at all, you should wear your charm necklace thing if you come to the concert on Saturday. Hmm, now I have to figure out where mine is...

take the bad with the good

take the bad with the good

I met with my athletic trainer today and got some good news: I can start going to the gym again. Considering I used to go to the gym 3-5 times a week, this is a step toward normalcy for me. I'll obviously only be doing very light stuff for a while, but that's okay. My trainer was excited to hear that I went on a bike ride a couple days ago. He said that's a good thing to do, as long as I stay on flat, paved roads. I went on a bike ride again this afternoon just after the sun came out, and it was so nice to ride around and smell all the lilacs and to see ducks and deer wandering around my neighborhood. It was way better than using my stationary bike in the living room.

I think I'm going to be happier now that I can start working and going to the gym/going for bike rides again because I used to do those things a lot. I'm still reminded of the accident during pretty much everything I do because it's so difficult to do anything physical - including just walking. Anyway, life is starting to get back to "normal". It's kind of depressing though to realize that I still have two more surgeries to go. So things are getting back to "normal", but it won't stay that way for long.

While I was at physical therapy, I met a patient who was in a construction accident last summer. His accident was similar to mine in some ways, but I won't go into it on here. He had a lot of serious injuries - probably worse than me. We commiserated about the fact that weather changes (especially rain) make us both sore, and that we have a hard time walking after we've been sitting for a while. We laughed about it, but I wonder if those problems will ever completely go away.

My mom sent me an email yesterday that basically outlined all the things I need to do before I move, including a schedule of what I should have packed by when. What an insult. I have moved before. My mom insists that this time is different, but the other times I moved, I also had to pack up all my stuff, take my posters off the walls, etc. Ever since the accident my mom has been treating me like I'm a lot younger than I really am. It's starting to get pretty aggravating. I know it's just because she cares, and the accident really shook her up, and blah blah blah. But she needs to step back now and let me be an adult.

Speaking of moving, I'm looking forward to it. I'm ready for a change of scenery. Also, I'm glad my bedroom is on the first floor of my new place. My left hip has been killing me and I'm assuming it's because stairs are still pretty hard for me. I use stairs a lot right now because my bedroom here is on the second floor.

Yesterday and today in wind symphony rehearsal we worked on the commissioned piece that we're playing in the memorial concert. It's a really nice piece, but I'll agree with Andrea on this one - I wish we had no reason to play it at all. It's the last piece we're going to play on Saturday, and I wish that weren't true. It's just such a somber piece to end with. We ended rehearsal yesterday and today with it, and then I had a hard time getting it off my mind. Last night Andrea, Raji and I went to the Stonesthrow which was exactly what I needed after being in band and then thinking about it for the rest of the day. The concert on Saturday will probably be hard for me. Hugs would be appreciated. I wasn't able to attend any of the funerals, so hopefully the concert will bring some closure for me.

accomplishments and stuff

accomplishments and stuff

Friday I met with my ankle doctor and we talked about my upcoming surgeries. He wants me to call him when I'm done with my antibiotics and when my ankle is all healed up (so probably in another few weeks) and he'll take the metal out of my leg. I have a choice of having just some of the metal taken out or all of it. I'll probably just have it all taken out. My doctor said it's okay for me to go back to work on a (very) limited basis, which I'm happy about. I love my job (at a one-hour photo lab), so I've missed it. I'm glad things are going to start getting back to "normal". It will be kind of weird though because I'll be working like once a week for a few weeks and then I'll be laid up from another surgery.

We had a marching band staff meeting on Friday, which went pretty well. Unfortunately not many people could be there - it's a busy time of year. Andrei and I will probably be writing some mallet parts, which could be kind of stressful because I can never figure out how difficult of parts to write, but we'll figure it out. I don't think there's a whole lot to say about the meeting, except that it kind of hit me how many things we have working against us. It's always hard to coordinate a band that size, but on top of that we're dealing with the fact that one of our band directors, who wrote most of the show every year, is no longer with us. Also, there's that part about us all having to get back on a bus to go to/from the competitions. Then there's the fact that we, as a band, went through a horrible event and we're still working through it. It should be an interesting season, that's for sure. I'd be lying if I said I'm completely pumped for the season to start. I definitely have mixed feelings, but I know it will be very rewarding in the end.

After the meeting, we hung out at C's house for a while and then Liz, Raji and I went back to EC. We had a good talk on the way home. I tend to feel like people don't want to talk about the accident anymore, or are "over" it, or whatever. When my friend Paul died four years ago, I remember there was a period of time afterwards when people had a hard time talking or thinking about anything other than his death. Then gradually people were probably still thinking about it but didn't want to talk about it as much anymore. I'm not sure if people got over it or if they just felt like they shouldn't talk about it anymore. I think it was the latter. People probably didn't want to seem like they were dwelling on it, and didn't want others to think they were just looking for attention. In truth I think it was on everyone's mind for a long time. For a lot of us, it was the first time we'd lost a peer, and that's a hard thing to come to grips with. I think, when it comes to the accident, we're in that phase now. I talk about it probably too much, but it helps me to do so. I hope people don't think I'm dwelling on it or whatever, but it was a huge life-changing event, so of course I'm still going to talk about it. I hope everyone else isn't trying to censor themselves because they're worried about what others will think of them. It affected so many people on so many levels - I don't think most of us will ever "get over" it.

Anyway... Today's wind symphony concert was fun, but I can't help feeling like I was a little underprepared. Practicing is usually my top priority and normally I wouldn't be caught dead being underprepared for a concert, but I guess these days boring things like appointments and resting have to take a higher priority. Anyway, I played fine, just not as well as I could have under different circumstances. Just the fact that I could play at all is an accomplishment.

After the concert and going out to dinner, I came home and finished my music history paper. I'm DONE!! I just have to proof-read it and add an appendix and it will be ready to turn in. My independent study paper is pretty much done also, and now I just need to write a short research paper for my women's studies class and take a couple finals and then the school year from hell will be over. Good riddance.

It was such a nice day out, I decided to try going for a bike ride after I finished my paper. I tried it once like a month ago and it really didn't work out so well - I couldn't get my bike going, and it was scary trying. It was scary when I tried again today, but once I got going, it was pretty easy. I rode around my neighborhood for a few minutes and then came home and now I'm exhausted. I used to ride about eight miles a day, and of course I'm still a long way from that, but it feels so good to reach my goal of being able to get back on my bike.

for sale

for sale

I'm trying to get rid of the following things before I move:

Older Kenmore washer & dryer. Both are in working condition. $75/pair or best offer.

Computer desk. It's nice and pretty big (probably 6 feet by 2 feet) but I don't have room for it in my new place. It has a keyboard tray, a couple drawers, and a little cabinet. $30 or best offer (unless Dan wants it back).

Please let me know ASAP if you're interested :)

Your Linguistic Profile:

75% General American English

20% Upper Midwestern

5% Midwestern

0% Dixie

0% Yankee

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

i wish i could go for a bike ride

i wish i could go for a bike ride

(http://www.nataliedee.com/)

school: stopit

school: stopit

Well, we're almost to the end of the semester - just a couple weeks left. I only have two finals, but I also have to finish up my incompletes from last semester. I was really stressed by that fact, but now I think I'll be okay. I have to finish my research paper for my independent study, and then tweak it a little bit to make it my music history paper. I have 11 pages written and I'm almost done. Within the past week I have written two papers for my women's studies class, and I have one short research paper left to do, which should be easy because I've already done the research. I'll be so glad when it's over. I think the best part will be that nobody can nag me about it anymore. People seem to have a hard time understanding how difficult it is for me to deal with school right now. If I'm not at some appointment or in class, I'm sleeping. If I'm actually awake and have free time, I usually have too much on my mind to do anything worthwhile (so I do things like writing in my blog).

At least I've been too busy to think much about the fact that I should be graduating in a few weeks. Right now I should be getting ready to move somewhere and go to grad school. Last week someone asked me if I'm all ready to graduate. Apparently she missed the memo that I'm going to be around an extra semester. It sort of hit me then because I hadn't been thinking about it much. If things had only happened a little differently back in October, my biggest worry right now (besides my grandma) would be graduating and all the stuff that entails. Oh well, I guess it's not like I have nothing to look forward to. I'm excited to move into our new place, and I have some neat classes scheduled for next semester.

The past few days have been rough on me. I have a total lack of energy, to the point where it's hard to get out of bed. Also, I've been incredibly achy and stiff. I don't know if it's the weather or what. I've been trying to exercise more but nothing seems to help. It's really hard to walk. Well, harder than usual anyway.

I could go on with complaints but I'll stop there. In lighter news, Raji and I went to a thrift store over the weekend to find him a dresser. We didn't find him a dresser, but we did find me a sweet Kodak camera bag from the 80s. It's bright yellow and says "Kodak Disc Film" on it. It's funny because Kodak hasn't made disc film in like 15 years. Then we had an amazing find: an original 1916 Edison cabinet phonograph. It is in pretty bad shape but it works. It was marked down to $150 but was on sale that day for 50% off, so we bought it. We plan on restoring it (with the help of Stenner) and maybe re-selling it, and I think it will look awesome when we're done. I'll upload some photos once we get around to taking some, but it's not much to look at yet. Anyway, now we have a fun summer project - something else to look forward to.

why hello blogspot

why hello blogspot

I'm so glad this week is pretty much over! I had a lot going on - still recovering from surgery, V-ball, had to do lots of work on my independent study paper, and then I accompanied Kyle G. during the percussion recital yesterday. I was so exhausted for a few days after the ball but I didn't have much time to sleep since I was so busy doing homework and practicing. Anyway, it's good to have the ball and the recital overwith, so now I can concentrate on finishing up my school work.

On Monday I went to Chippewa to watch some 8th graders audition for next school year's marching band. There are some really talented kids coming up, so the auditions went well. It was weird not having G there. I don't think I'll ever get used to him not being around for marching band stuff. After the auditions, Brian talked with Todd and me about inventory - what we have, what needs to be replaced, etc. G used to take care of all that stuff, and kept inventory in his head, so we've been kind of struggling to figure out what we need to order for this season. I think Brian has it all figured out now though.

This season is going to be crazy. We'll have over 200 band members!! We're usually closer to... what... like 180? It will be a very difficult season but it will be rewarding at the same time. Everyone will be so focused and dedicated. Also, we have some new staff members, so that should be fun :)

I think Chi-Hi will be getting a new marimba & vibraphone before the season starts. We just got a new xylo, too. Yay, new things! Brian might sell me one of their vibraphones if he decides to buy a new one. I'm really excited about that. The one I would buy belonged to G before he donated it to the school, and it's the instrument I played for my sophomore year in marching band, so obviously it has sentimental value to me. And I've always wanted vibes - they sound so beautiful.

Brian and I went out for a beer after the auditions and talked about all sorts of stuff. I worry about him. The rest of us are able to find people to talk to whenever we're having a rough time. We're surrounded by people who were affected by the accident. I don't know if Brian really has that. Also, he's only able to work like six hours a week, and I know that must be tough. It was so depressing for me to be sitting in bed at my parents' house for months while everyone else was in school and working and doing normal things like that. Everyone would always joke with me and say it must be nice to have so much time off, but I hated it. Anyway, I want to try and hang out with Brian more.

An update on my grandma: She has lung cancer, which I don't think was a big surprise to any of us. Luckily it's non-small cell cancer, whatever that means, but Eric the med student says that's good. She will begin chemo/radiation soon. I'll be going to Illinois to visit her hopefully within the next few weeks.

In random news, today I had an appointment with an infection specialist. I guess an infection or two showed up in some cultures taken during my surgery, so my ankle doctor put me on antibiotics and sent me to this specialist. My ankle doc thinks the infection might have been a lab contaminant, but he wanted to be cautious. Anyway, I guess my ankle looked pretty icky when they opened it up, so maybe I do have an infection. That would probably explain why it hasn't been healing very well. I have to take antibiotics for like another four weeks, which sucks because they make me kind of dizzy/tired. Oh well, I guess that's better than having an infection.

too busy

too busy

Hey Pokey, here's your update ;)

I've been way too busy. What an awful time to have surgery - right during the rush to get through the end of the semester. I've been sleeping a lot, and going to some classes, and going to lots of appointments with various doctors. My ankle has been feeling okay. This surgery was not as bad as the others, or at least I haven't had any major problems so far (cross your fingers). I used crutches up until Friday, then decided it was time to ditch them because there was no way I was going to bring them to the ball. I probably pushed myself a little too much, and I'm feeling it now, but it was worth it.

Hmm, I have lots of stuff to talk about... I'll get the bad stuff out of the way first. My grandma has been really sick lately. My parents went down to visit her in the hospital this weekend. I don't know exactly what's going on, but it doesn't sound good. She's pushing 80 and she's been a heavy smoker all her life. Dear everyone, don't smoke. Apparently this is the week for hospitalizations/surgeries: my grandma's in the hospital, my uncle spent some time in the hospital and then he went back for surgery, I had my ankle surgery last week, and my brother had his wisdom teeth out a few days ago.

In lighter medical news, I got my new knee brace. It's great - when I wear it, my knee doesn't pop when I walk. I wish it wasn't so bulky, but whatever.

I'm glad V-ball is out of the way, but I'm still stressed out. I'm Kyle's accompanist for a piece on the percussion recital (which is at 5 pm on Wednesday in Gantner and you should come) and I didn't look at the piece much until recently. It's an easy part though so I'm not too worried about it. Life would be a whole lot easier right now if I didn't have unfinished school work from last semester hanging over my head. Everyone keeps asking me how that's going, and then I get depressed. I'd love to just finish it and get it overwith, but I never have any time. I spend so much time sleeping and exercising and working on my classes for this semester. Dr. Don is starting to get impatient with me again, and I had to explain to him that this past week has been really overwhelming since I'm still recovering from surgery. Whatever, I'll add a bunch of stuff to my research paper this week and he'll be happy again.

I'm kind of relieved now that V-ball is over. I was worried that I would be limping a lot and people would stare at me and I'd feel stupid, or I'd get stepped on, or my ankle would give out, or whatever. Luckily nobody stepped on me, and with a lot of effort, I did a pretty good job of walking without a limp. Nothing bad happened, but I did get pretty sore by the end of the second night, and I'll be sore for the next couple days. I'm so glad I did the orchestra gig (playing tympani). I would definitely recommend not taking a tympani gig a week after having ankle surgery, as it makes tuning difficult, but it wasn't too bad. I pushed myself pretty hard to do that gig, but I would have been sad if I hadn't done it. It was my fourth year playing tympani with the orchestra, and I couldn't imagine not playing just because it hurt too much. I've missed out on enough of my life because of my injuries - I wasn't going to let V-ball slip by too.

I think the best part about the ball was hanging out with my date (Ben) and some of the Jazz I guys afterwards. Last night we hung out pretty much until they kicked us out, then we went to Jeff & Jim's (all dressed up, at bar close - whoops), and then we went to a house party at Errin's. It was a blast, and my abs are pretty sore now from laughing so much.

Here are some pictures Raji took of me, all ready to go to the ball (and with some new colors in my hair):




Also, last week I mentioned that I was going to be in the Leader Telegram. The story only ran in the print edition of the paper, but the reporter was nice enough to email the story to my mom. Here it is:

By Chris Vetter
Chippewa Falls News Bureau

Amy Bowen, 23, had another surgery on Thursday, and she will likely have two more surgeries on her injured right leg by the end of the summer.
“I had a metal plate and some screws taken out of my ankle,” Bowen said. “They were bothering me. It will be a relief when it’s healed.”
Bowen returned to her apartment in Eau Claire in mid-February, and she is taking a limited schedule of 9 credits at UW-Eau Claire. Injuries suffered in the bus crash forced her to miss school, and she will now graduate in December rather than this spring.
Bowen said she is happy she is driving again, and she has a handicap sticker for her vehicle.
“It’s a big morale boost,” she said.
Bowen said she was aware that the six-month mark since the crash occurred was coming up.
“If you had told me after the accident that I was still having surgeries this long after the accident, I would have been surprised,” she said.
Bowen’s leg was severely injured in the crash, and a titanium rod was put inside her femur, the bone in the right leg. The next surgery will be to remove the rod, and another surgery later this summer will be to repair her ACL.
“I still have a limp, but it’s getting better,” Bowen said. “I’m getting a kneebrace, and that will help too.”
Amy’s mom, Anne Bowen, said it was good that her daughter is getting around in her car and slowly recovering.
“We’re just trying to get her healthy again,” Anne Bowen said.

six months later

six months later

As you probably know, today marks six months since the accident. I could probably write forever on this topic, and on how my life has changed, but I am only staying awake long enough for the painkillers to kick in. This will probably be a post of random thoughts since I'm tired and on drugs.

Six months. It seems like it's been forever, doesn't it? But as I said in my last post, it doesn't feel like the accident was something that happened six months ago - it's something that continues to affect me in every aspect of my life. At least things are starting to get back to normal I guess. I just can't believe I still have two surgeries to go. I have come so far, though. I overcame a lot, and I am proud of myself for being strong. This has been the most difficult period of my life, and I probably (hopefully) will never have to go through anything like this again.

When you're getting ready to graduate from college, six months is an eternity. You know what I should be doing with my life right now? I should be getting ready to graduate in May, and I should be all set to move somewhere and go to grad school in the fall. I'm angry that my plans had to be postponed, but I know I'm lucky because those opportunities are still in my future.

I sort of lost my train of thought, but here is what's important: you never know when something bad is going to happen. That's such a cliche and I really can't think of a better way to put it into words, but I know you all understand. Today everyone probably thought back to that moment, six months ago, when they found out what happened. I remembered what it was like waking up on that dark bus in the middle of nowhere and just knowing that everything was different. I've learned many tough lessons in the past six months, and the most important is that life is completely unpredictable. It's pointless to have regrets, or to go through life not letting people know how much you appreciate them. So I know this is sappy, but thank you all for being there for me.

five surgeries down, two to go

five surgeries down, two to go

I have the BEST roommate in the world! Yesterday when I came home from surgery, I saw a huge rabbit balloon in my room, a vase of flowers, and my favorite flavor of Jelly Bellys. Ali also made me a card and bought my favorite kind of pie. Yesterday she missed her night class so she could stay home and take care of me. I'm lucky to have such a caring roommate! She's been so helpful through all of this - I don't know what I'd do without her. I'm so glad that I can recover from surgery at my house now instead of at my parents' house. It's much more relaxing here, and it's easier for people to come visit me. Raji has been over a lot to take care of me, and that's cool because he had a hard time visiting me after the other surgeries since I was a half hour away and his work schedule is so weird.

As I said yesterday, surgery went fine. I'm still feeling okay but maybe a little more sore. In my experience with ankle surgeries, it's going to feel just fine for a few days and then will probably hurt like a bitch, so I'm bracing myself and using my painkillers sparingly until then. Hopefully it will be okay though now that the metal is out.

My doctor talked to me a little after the surgery yesterday (and I actually remember the conversation this time). He said that the whole rod will have to come out of my femur in a separate surgery before my ACL can be reconstructed. That's not the news I was hoping to hear, but I guess I'm not surprised. It would suck if they went in to fix the ACL and realized they didn't have enough room with the rod in there. So, it's coming out. It's up to me when I get it out, so I'm guessing I'll have it done the second or third week in June, once I'm settled in my new place. Hopefully I can get the ACL fixed soon after that.

I was interviewed by the Leader-Telegram today - apparently they are checking up on a bunch of the people who were hurt in the accident, as this weekend will mark six months since then. The reporter asked me like 308,629 times if I realized that 6-month mark is coming up. Yes, thanks. He asked me what I thought about how much time has passed or whatever. I don't know if he was expecting me to say "wow, that was a long time ago!" or something, but it's weird to think of it as something that happened once six months ago since it's still affecting everything I do every day. I told him that if someone would have told me back then that I'd still be dealing with surgeries six months later (and then more over the summer), I'd have never believed them. Anyway, it's good they got a hold of me this time, since they didn't try very hard last time. I'm glad the LT and the Herald are still following up on us, unlike those hacks at the Speculator who are always too busy writing about themselves.

Anyway, I hope this post made sense. I'm pretty out of it right now. It's definitely naptime.

post-op

post-op

Surgery went fine. I'm super tired and sore. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow because it will probably hurt even more. At least I have painkillers. If you want to come visit, that would be awesome :) Just give me a call first.

Here's the metal that was in my ankle:
Ignore the stupid border. Anyway, the longer screw is about 2" long. It's all a lot smaller than I expected!

dread

dread

I'm really not looking forward to surgery tomorrow.

Please come visit me! Does anyone want to hang out with me like all day tomorrow so my mom doesn't feel the need to hang around my house and fret over me? That would be cool. I'll be coming home sometime tomorrow morning.

pet peeve

pet peeve

It seems like every time I go shopping, and I'm just about to a checkout lane, some soccer mom with a full cart zooms around me to take advantage of the better spot in line. Seriously, I was almost there. I'm not trying to be slow. I know your life is incredibly important and busy, but look, I only have like five items anyway. Don't be an asshole.

a quick update

a quick update

Tonight Raji and I went to see Jessie's dance recital. It was so amazing to her dance after everything she's been through. I can't even put it into words. I know it must have been painful and exhausting for her, but she didn't let it show.

Yesterday I was fitted for a custom knee brace, which I should be receiving in the next week or so. I'm pretty excited about it. Since last weekend, my knee has developed this habit of popping whenever I walk, and it's gotten worse every day. It's getting harder to walk. I can't really explain it. It feels weird when it bends, and it feels like it's going to give out. I called my doc about it and that's why I'm getting the brace. I don't know if it's screwed up because I've been on my feet more lately, or if things are just settling weird. It would definitely help if my ACL wasn't torn. Anyway, the brace should give me a lot more stability.

I've been really exhausted lately. I was starting to get more energy, but now I'm tired all the time again. I spend so much time sleeping now that I never have time to do anything. I can't wait for summer, when I will have so much less to do, and then I won't feel bad about putting things off so I can rest.

I can't wait for the warm weather we should be getting this week. It's been kind of warm lately, but with a chilly breeze that makes me ache. Soon it will be sandal weather! I tried wearing sandals around the house today, and it was hard, but I think I could get used to it. Hopefully walking will be easier after the metal is out of my ankle.

Okay, bedtime.

sorry

sorry

I was just hanging out with Raji and Andrea and we were trying to figure out what all happened during Branden's last hours. We are too young to be having that conversation. Lately I have been having more nightmares (not really about anything important), but sometimes they are more pleasant than reality. Why did this have to happen? Five people are gone. I don't ever want to get on a bus again. Maybe I will change my mind, but how can I get on a bus, on my 24th birthday, and take that same trip? Fuck that.

take me away

take me away

I had an appointment with my ankle doctor yesterday, and we actually got some things sorted out. My knee doctor has been reluctant to set a schedule for my surgeries, or to tell me exactly what needs to happen before my ACL can be fixed. I think he's hesitant to mess with the metal because he's not the one who put it in - my ankle doctor did. Yesterday my ankle doc said the rod can probably stay in my femur and they'll just take the endcap off (and maybe the screws out of my knee) before fixing the ACL. That's good news because it's much less invasive than taking out the whole rod, and they can probably do all that in one surgery. And if getting the rod taken out would feel anything like breaking my femur, I'm pretty sure I'd rather just keep it in.

After looking at my (still open!!) ankle incision, my doctor said he wants to go in and take all that metal out, like ASAP. We scheduled the surgery for the 13th - right before Easter break. I was hoping to wait until June, but my doctor said if that main screw is in much longer, it will break. It's not a big deal if it breaks, and I wouldn't notice the difference, but then I basically would never be able to have it removed, and that would really suck. I have mixed feelings about this surgery. I will be so glad to get it taken out once and for all, but I was planning on using Easter break to get caught up in last semester's school work. I guess I'll just have to find some other time to do it. Also, I'm nervous because the Viennese ball is the next week, and I don't want to be really sore, but my doctor swears that immediately following the surgery I won't need to use crutches at all and I'll be able to wear normal shoes (no walking cast). But he also told me my last surgery wouldn't be a big deal and the recovery ended up being pretty painful. I'm hoping it will just feel better once the metal is gone.

Today I had a short, but good conversation with Dr. Heidel. We talked a little about the Chi-Hi memorial concert (May 13th, 3:00, @ Chi-Hi). He told me he wants to make sure that I get to play on the commissioned piece, and I said I'd like that. If you haven't heard already, Jim Bonney is writing a piece about the accident. I don't know many details about the concert (maybe this is where Andrei can help), but it sounds like UWEC's wind symphony is playing two or three pieces, and some Chi-Hi alums will be joining us on the commissioned piece. Playing on the piece is probably going to be one of the hardest things I'll ever do, but I think it will be therapeutic in a way. It's kind of weird - I don't think many people get the opportunity to play on a piece commissioned for something which directly affected them. This will be a good outlet for me, since words fall short in explaining/describing what happened. Also, since the accident happened on a music trip, and there were so many musicians involved and/or affected, it makes sense to portray it in music form. Anyway, it will be hard, but there is strength in numbers: Sazama and Andrea will be playing too, and basically everyone who will be playing on the piece was affected in some way or another by the accident. I don't know if I worded all that very well, but maybe that proves my point that words fall short in this case.

Yesterday I was putzing around online and came across this article. It's not perfectly written (it's kind of meandering), but it describes the Greenhalgh family that I remember. It made me smile.

evaporated

evaporated

JazzFest has come and gone. I got about a hundred photos that were "keepers" and I had a lot of fun. It was really stressful trying to be there to take pictures at all the important events, but I heard a lot of good music, and I think people were appreciative that I took photos.

Some highlights of the weekend:
- I got to watch Chi-Hi's 10:30 jazz band.
- Nachito Herrera's concerts were AMAZING. I could have listened all day.



- Mr. Baca got a pie in the face.



- Lewis Nash showed up to the jam session at the Shanghai Bistro. Oh, and sushi was half-price, and I bought myself a ridiculously girly drink.



- The night concerts were awesome.
- Last night I went out to Green Mill with Lewis Nash and some of the Jazz I guys.
- The party at "the house" was really fun.
- Other stuff, I don't know, it was all pretty cool.
(click on the photos to see them larger)

Lowlights of the weekend:
- My driveway took off a piece of my car, twice. Whoops. I guess that will have to be fixed tomorrow.
- JazzFest schedules got a little messed up, and Dr. Cunningham was a jerk to Nachito...
- I'm really sore and exhausted.

Despite having a really fun Friday & Saturday, I was a little bummed today. It's probably just that I was really stressed out and now I'm exhausted. I've had a lot on my mind the past couple days. It seems like it's really starting to hit me that G is gone. For the past few days I've sat and listened to music all day, and when there are a lot of things you're trying to not think about, I guess listening to music kind of makes your mind wander sometimes, and all that stuff comes back up to the surface. I didn't word that very well but you probably get what I mean. Anyway, it's been kind of rough. It didn't help that one of the bands in Saturday's concert played Weckl's "Festival de Ritmo". We played that tune when I was a senior at Chi-Hi. It reminds me of our drummer Paul and of G. We spent so many hours working on it. Paul and G both loved that chart. It's weird to think that now they're both gone. I haven't really listened to it since Paul died four years ago, so hearing it again brought back a lot of memories.

It's nice having so many people to talk to. In the past couple of days, a lot of people have talked to me about the accident. It helps knowing that I have the support of so many people.

I realized tonight that I'm a little stressed about my upcoming surgeries. They're still a ways off, but I wish I didn't have them looming over my head. It's hard to think beyond my next surgery because I don't know how long it will take me to recover, and I guess it's hard for me to think that far into the future.

I've learned it's important to not take a single day for granted, but these are trying times. I wish I could take a vacation, but the things I need to get away from would follow me anyway.

"Don't you know I'm numb, man
No I can't feel a thing at all
'Cause it's all smiles and business these days
And I'm indifferent to the loss." - Ben Folds

Sorry for the downer post. There's a percussion ensemble concert tomorrow night at 7:30 in Gantner, and you should come.

busy busy

busy busy

Things I have to in the next month or so:
- take engagement photos for Nicole and Mark
- take photos for Jazzfest
- play piano on five pieces for Wind Symphony (!!)
- play tympani at the Viennese Ball
- accompany Kyle for a piece on his recital
- play a gig or two with the Troppo Big Band
- other stuff I'm forgetting.

This is all stuff I love doing, and I'm pretty pumped for these opportunities. However, it's a lot of stuff all at once. I still have to finish up my three incompletes from last semester. I wish I didn't have those classes hanging over my head, because I want to enjoy all this fun stuff I have coming up. Here is my gameplan: I will finish my incompletes up by the end of Easter break. I have to write four papers. That's one for each day of break. It's a lot of work but I would be so happy to just be DONE.

I've been pushing myself really hard lately, but the harder I push myself, the more rest I need. My typical day consists of going to class or studying for a bit, exercising for an hour, taking a nap, sitting in bed with my foot elevated for a few hours (throughout the day), and sleeping for at least 9 hours. I used to keep myself really busy, and I liked it that way, but I can't handle that yet. I think people kind of forget that I still don't have much energy, and I'm still in pain. But I shouldn't complain. All this upcoming stuff is what I dreamed of doing during those months I was stuck in bed. It may be hard to do everything, but it will be so fulfilling.

I have pretty much decided that I'm going to have the metal taken out of my ankle as soon as possible. June would be a good time because I'll be done with school and I'll be living in my new apartment, which has a bedroom and bathroom on the first floor, so I can recover at home (instead of at my parents' house). My ankle has hurt ever since getting the metal put in and it's just not feeling any better. Every step I take is painful. I don't know if having the metal taken out will help, but it's worth a try. I'm willing to go through the pain and ordeal of another surgery just to have it taken out. I have to say I'm getting pretty sick of doing dressing changes though - my ankle incision is STILL open. blaha09t[a092j4[092j9j5.

In other news, just when I thought my parking problems were done, I got another parking ticket today. I parked in a GF (guaranteed faculty) spot, and got a $20 ticket informing me that my handicap permit isn't valid in those spots. Okay, I realize you have to be fancy-pants in order to park in GF spots. But if my handicap permit doesn't allow me to park there, WHY IN THE FUCK DID THE PEOPLE IN THE PARKING OFFICE TELL ME I CAN???!!!! Employees of the parking office told both my mom and I (on separate occasions) that I can park anywhere except 20-minute meters, loading zones, and fire lanes. I was told that I can park in spots labeled for students, faculty, or guaranteed faculty. I called the head of the parking office today and told her about the ticket and she informed me that I can't park in GF spots. Thanks, that's helpful. I asked her why her employees told me I could park there, and she brushed me off by telling me I can fill out a form to try and appeal the ticket. Every time I have a problem like this it makes me wonder why I am continuing with classes this semester. That may sound overdramatic, but it's so hard for me just to get out of bed and into my classrooms without having to worry about this bullshit.

things

things

Spring break was good. It was so nice to actually have time to relax. It kind of made me wonder why I'm taking so many classes this semester, but whatever, at least I'll graduate someday.

On Friday my parents and I took a little overnight trip to the cities. We hit up IKEA and Mall of America and went to the Dakota jazz club. I used my crutches at IKEA & MOA because I still can't go very long distances without at least one crutch. It's been a while since I've used both crutches, and it reminded me how much I HATED it. I hate not having my hands free to open doors or carry things, and it annoys me how rude people are. When I'm on crutches, people are always staring at me or won't get out of my way. It didn't help that the mall was really crowded, but I found a dress for the ball, so at least it was a worthwhile venture.

The Dakota was really neat. We caught two bands there, including Sean's band. I think they were happy to see a familiar face, but there were actually a lot of people from EC there. I was surprised to see Mr. Baca there, and I was more surprised when he came over and gave me a hug. He said he's been meaning to talk to me for a while but he wanted to wait until I recovered a little more. He asked if he could take me out to lunch sometime, and I was really flattered. He said he wants to hear my account of the accident. Before that I didn't think he even knew my name, and he's kind of a big deal in the music department, so that's pretty cool. I guess it's just another example of how much the music faculty in general cares about the students.

I went to the winterguard dress rehearsal on Sunday and it was really nice. I know Jazzfest is going on this weekend, but if you're going to be in the cities, you should check out the guard. They've put a lot of work into the show and it really looks awesome. Maybe Ali or Amber can give me more detailed info on where/when it is. ;) I don't know if I'll be there because I might be taking photos for Jazzfest...? Can someone please fill me in on the plans for that?

Spring break ended way too soon. I guess I actually got a lot done: I wrote a paper (for one of the classes I took an incomplete in last semester), Ali and I found an apartment for June, and I found a dress and shoes for the ball. Also, I had plenty of time to do my exercises every day. I wish I would have realized the Fine Arts building was open, though - I could have gotten some practicing done.

Today I was reminded why I'm only taking nine credits. I had three classes today, and since I was done by 1:00, I figured I could get some other things done. I ended up having to come home and elevate my foot because I was so sore, and then I was exhausted so I took a long nap. If I'm lucky I'll have enough energy and time to exercise and go to the practice rooms before the night is over.

I feel like my progress has been kind of stagnant lately. My physical therapist and athletic trainers keep telling me how much better I'm getting, but I think my advances have been pretty small lately. I'm trying to push myself more so that I can make more progress. In the past couple days, I've been trying to walk farther without using a crutch, which is hard because I've been so sore. Also, I think I need to set specific short- and long-term goals for myself.

My short-term goals: I want to be able to walk barefoot without crutches, and hopefully soon I won't need to use a crutch around the house. Also, I want to get rid of my limp before the ball. That one's a little harder. I limp because my ankle hurts so much and because my knee doesn't go totally straight yet, and I can't see either of those things getting much better in the next month. I hope it works out though because I'd look pretty stupid limping around in a ballgown.

My long-term goals: I want my stamina and strength to be as good or better than it was before the accident. I used to have the energy to have classes, work, and rehearsals from like 9 in the morning until 11 at night. Right now I'm lucky if I get through the day without taking a nap, but I should get more energy over time. As far as strength goes, before the accident I did some weightlifting several times a week and I used to go biking pretty much every day. I'll be happy when I can do things like that again.

As far as surgeries go, I want to get the metal taken out of my leg in June and maybe I can get my ACL fixed after I graduate in December. My recovery never goes according to plan, but it's nice to dream. I guess one of the life lessons I'm learning is that you can't plan everything. Life doesn't just fit neatly into a two-semester schedule.

I have an appointment with my knee doctor on Thursday. I'm not looking forward to it because I never get any good news about my knee. My knee doesn't fully straighten yet and I don't think it ever will. If my knee doesn't fully straighten, I can't get my ACL fixed. I try not to think about that too much because it's depressing.

I hope I start making greater progress soon, because I am getting frustrated. I want to be a normal 23-year-old again. I know I'm lucky that I'll get pretty much back to normal someday - trust me, nobody understands that as well as I do - but I'm so drained.

If you're wondering, I changed the name on my blog so I'm slightly less searchable. I'm flattered that people want to read up on how I'm doing, but I don't want to put myself out there to the extent that my blog comes up when people Google me.

Random thought: does anyone else think it's weird that the Speculator hasn't touched the bus crash story since it happened? When that football player sustained a brain injury a couple years back, the paper did a few follow-ups on him and they got a pretty good response from it. You'd think they'd do a follow-up or something on the accident since so many students were affected by the accident. But we're in high school, and music geeks aren't as important as football players. Someone should take our student newspaper out back and shoot it already.

It is not 4:19.

PSA

PSA

Chi-Hi has an alumni winterguard for this season, and they're performing on Saturday, 4/1 in the cities (for WGI? or something...). They're also doing three run-throughs of their show on Sunday, 3/26 starting at 11 am at Parkview school in Chippewa. The guard is seeking an audience for their dress rehearsals.

I highly recommend trying to see one of these performances. The alumni guard formed in the weeks following the accident, and since then they've been having long weekly practices to get ready for an exhibition performance.

The show is a tribute to G. For over a decade, G was in charge of the Firebirds Winterguard at Chi-Hi. The tribute show is set to the music of Greenday's "Time of Your Life" and, as I understand it, there will be voiceovers from some of the alumni, talking about what G meant to them. I've tried in this blog to explain why G was such a big influence on me, but words fall short. He was one of my biggest heroes - he taught me how to play percussion, he showed me that music is a worthwhile career, and showed me that you should have fun doing whatever you choose to do. He was the first teacher I had who really believed in his students, and treated them like adults, and challenged them. He was a huge influence on so many people. I'm glad that Chi-Hi's marching band isn't going to do a tribute show next season, but sometimes I kind of wish we were, so I think the guard show will be nice. Sad, but nice.

more spring break

more spring break

I think Ali and I found an apartment!!!!!! We really like it. It's less than I'm paying currently, and it's much closer to campus. Plus, the biggest benefit: there are a bathroom and a bedroom on the first floor, so I don't have to deal with stairs. Yay! It's a really cute place. We have to sign the lease yet, but I think it's pretty much a done deal. It's like two houses down from where Sean & co. will be living, so that's neat.

I got my hair cut today! I'll put a new photo up soon. If you're just tuning in, a large part of my hair was shaved off when I was in the ER in October. I had some bad scalp lacerations from the accident and I needed about two dozen staples. My hair is still pretty short in that area, but my hairstylist was able to kind of blend it in with the rest of my hair, so it's not quite so noticeable. Yay haircut.

I think my ankle is getting infected again. It's still open in one little spot - it must be right over where the big screw is. It's been pretty sore and inflamed. I'll have to keep an eye on it.

Spring break is way too short. I was hoping to get caught up in one of the classes I took an incomplete in last semester. I think I can still do that, though. I don't think I've been wasting my time, I just needed a few days to relax and be myself again. At least I've been kind of productive - I got a haircut and found an apartment. Hopefully I'll find a dress for the Viennese ball before break is over.

spring break

spring break

Yay I'm on spring break! It's going well so far, if a bit uneventful. I've forgotten what it's like to be able to relax, and not worry about what I have to do tomorrow. That is, if I don't think about all my appointments and all the catch-up work I should be doing... I can't wait until summer, when I won't be busy all the time. I was going to take some classes over summer break but now I think I'm just going to hold off on that and stay in school for another semester. That way I won't have to worry about getting health insurance and paying off loans right away. That wasn't going to be an issue since I was planning on going straight to grad school after I graduate, but now I have to wait an extra year because the accident put me so far behind. I wish life would just wait until I can catch up. Summer will be nice because, in theory, I will be "caught up" for a while. It sucks though because I need another couple surgeries. I need my ACL fixed, but first I need part of the rod in my femur to be removed. I'm thinking maybe I can get the rod out in early summer and then wait until winter break to get my ACL fixed, since I have to be all healed before that surgery can be done. I also want the metal out of my ankle, but I decided to wait on that, so maybe that can be done when the rod is taken out.

Ali and I are apartment hunting. I'll be so glad when we have a lease signed and we don't have to worry about it anymore! We found some places that sound promising, so we'll be touring some of them in the next couple days. I really like the duplex we're in now but I need a place that doesn't have stairs, since I'll have a few surgeries to recover from within the next year. We're also hoping to find a place that's a little closer to campus.

Another thing to do over break: find a dress for the Viennese Ball. Every year the university holds a formal Austrian-themed ball, complete with waltzes and wienerschnitzel. I play tympani with the orchestra - this will be my fourth year doing it. Unfortunately I have dropped a couple sizes since I wore my dress last year, so it's time to find a new one. It's kind of a pain having to spend money on it, but I really like dress shopping, so it's okay. Ali and I are trying to plan a couple formal parties, so at least I'll get to wear the dress a few times.

Physical therapy is going pretty well. I've dropped down to two appointments a week instead of three, and now I only work with my therapist or my athletic trainer, instead of half an hour with each. My appointments are really tiring. Today I spent 10 minutes on the stationary bike, then spent five minutes on the stair stepper, then did some ankle stretches, then did some marching with a resistance band around my waist, then ran on a trampoline for two minutes. Yeah, I was tired afterwards.

Sleeping has been going pretty well lately. I'm finally able to sleep on my side!!!!!!!! I am such a side sleeper, but in the weeks following the accident, my leg would ache unbearably after five minutes on either side. After everything I've been through, all I wanted to do was curl up in bed, but I couldn't. I thought I'd never be able to sleep on my side again, but now I can do it for a few hours at a time. Also, following the accident, my leg would jerk whenever I was trying to fall asleep and it would hurt a lot, but now that doesn't really happen anymore. I'm probably the only one who cares about all this, but that's okay, I'm just happy that I can sleep on my side again.

Time to sleep - tomorrow's a big day!

st. patty's day

st. patty's day

I know this is last-minute, but if you're around, my roommate and I are hosting a St. Patrick's Day party tonight. Come over anytime after 9, BYOB, we'll provide the Irish food. :)

sick day

sick day

Today I was sick all day. I don't remember the last time I had such a bad cold. My mom took me to the doctor and I got antibiotics. Hopefully I'll start feeling better by tomorrow, since today was pretty bad. I don't have the energy to fight this cold. I think I'm at an elevated risk for pneumonia (since I don't move around a whole lot), so antibiotics are a good thing.

I periodically add links to the right frame over there, and yesterday I added one for Tenley's blog. She's my brother's girlfriend, and she's pretty awesome. She and my brother rushed here from WY after the accident, and Tenley proceeded to cheerfully do all the icky tasks, like cleaning my staples and lifting my leg so I could get in and out of bed. Wow, I don't miss those days! Anyway, she helped me out a lot, so you should check out her blog, because she's neat.

Please keep the kids involved in today's bus/semi accident (in central WI) in your thoughts.

I think that's about it; I'm too tired to write anything else.

snow day

snow day

Today it snowed. A lot. Last night it rained/hailed/whatevered and we had a thunderstorm, and then it turned into pretty heavy snow. I normally like snow but this year I'm getting sick of it. I didn't go to any of my classes today because the roads were really bad. All the area schools were closed (except the university), and the roads in many nearby counties were closed. I was about to go to class anyway because I already missed classes last week due to parking issues and tour. As I've said before, I don't normally miss class. I didn't really have a choice today though. Not only do I have to worry about the driving conditions, but if I were to slip and fall, it would be really bad. I don't think it was too big of a deal though... I can't imagine many people went to class today. I am so sick of winter! This weather makes my whole leg ache.

This afternoon my dad came to pick me up in his big safe truck and took me to my doctor appointment. We didn't really come to a decision about whether or not I should have surgery on my ankle next week. I think I want the metal out, since it's constantly bothering me. I think it's the main reason why I have a limp - it hurts, so I don't let my ankle go through the full range of motion when I walk. So I think eventually I'll have the surgery, but right now I'm fostering a nasty cold and that has to go away before I can have anesthesia.

After I got home from the doctor, Ali came outside to tell us her car was stuck in the mud/snow next to the driveway. Ali, Gina, and my dad tried to get the car out, but to no avail. My dad suggested Ali and I round up our guy friends, and he went home. I called Geoff (who's back in town) and Sean, and they came right over. Sean brought his roommate Pheng, too. They shoveled and pushed the car out while I debated whether or not I had time to grab my camera. I didn't have time, which was too bad because the pictures would have been pretty funny. I did make myself useful by finding the hot chocolate mix, though.

tour and weekend in review

tour and weekend in review

Well, tour was a lot of fun. It's always nice to get away and play a lot of concerts instead of being at school. I was kind of frustrated (see: Wednesday's post) because I felt like I was sort of excluded. It's not that people tried to exclude me, it's just that I couldn't keep up with everyone when we went to Mall of America, and I don't have enough energy to be very exciting. However, a handful of people always went out of their way to make sure I was included in everything, and for that I was really grateful. I'm so glad I got to ride in the equipment van instead of on the bus. When Sazama and I first pulled in to the Fine Arts circle before leaving for tour, I felt like someone punched me in the stomach when I saw the buses. I don't know why it had that effect on me - I knew they'd be there, and I've certainly seen buses from that company since the accident. I've also noticed I can barely even look at photos people took while on the bus. I think it's just going to take a long time before I'm okay with buses, which sort of defies logic since they're huge vehicles and you'd assume they'd be safe. Whatever.

The tour concert today went really well. I found out today that we wouldn't even be playing both pieces I play on - the other will wait till the next concert. Oh well. I wished I'd been able to play more, but I played piano on Gillingham's "Heroes, Lost and Fallen" and I love that piece. I don't think the audience really got into it, but that's okay. It's like Dr. C said once about Cage's "Third Construction" - some pieces are programmed for the sole enjoyment of the performers.

Yesterday was a nice break from the brisk pace of tour. I basically relaxed at home and did homework all day. Later, Raji and I went out to Water St. to meet up with some of his work friends. Upon seeing the line outside the Pio, we decided against it - I didn't want to be stepped on. Instead we went to Dooley's and ran into Nobu and some members of the CV symphony. We ended up talking about the accident, and Nobu said that we really don't know what day will be our last and so we can't take anything for granted. That's something I've heard a lot since the accident, but somehow it was more profound coming from him. If you know him, you get what I mean.

I have an appointment tomorrow with my ankle surgeon. We're probably going to decide whether or not I should have surgery to remove the metal in my ankle. If it happens, it would probably be during spring break (next week). Oh boy, I can't think of anything I'd rather do for break. I've been thinking about it a lot, and I'm still kind of on the fence about it. On one hand, I don't want to have another surgery on my ankle for as long as I live - it hurts that much. On the other hand, I realized that my ankle has hurt almost constantly every single day since November 1st when the metal was put in. It's not really serving its purpose anymore (it was to anchor my fibula back in place). I guess it would probably be better in the grand scheme of things if I got it out. We'll see what happens.

I can't believe I still need at least two more surgeries before I'm "normal" (one to remove the rod from my femur and one to reconstruct my ACL). I'm doing all this work in physical therapy, and I'm going to be back at square one after I have the ACL surgery. I need to regain full motion in my knee, or as close as it's going to get, before my ACL can be repaired. So once I feel "all better", I'll have surgery and be back to where I am now. I know it'll be nowhere near as bad as it was in those weeks following the accident - I don't think I'll ever experience anything that bad ever again (at least I hope) - but still it's just depressing. It's not that I'm worried about being in pain again, I just want to get back to some semblance of normal life. Everyone else who was hurt is slowly getting better, but I have to get worse before I can get better.

An update on the parking situation: I met with Kim in the parking office, and she was very accomodating. She gave me a permit for the Zorn lot, and they don't take parking there lightly. I need to use a code to get in the gate, and then I need to display the permit on my dash - it says the days and times I can be there and has an expiration date. She offered to have the van come pick me up from there when I have my class in HHH, but I think I can walk that far. We'll see how it goes.

LOUD NOISES

LOUD NOISES

If you're in the area, you should check out UWEC's Symphony Band and Wind Symphony tour concert tomorrow night at 5:00 in Gantner Hall. It's going to be really awesome. The tour concert is always the best because it's designed for a high school audience - so it's meant to entertain people with ADD.

some days...

some days...

...all I want is to be normal again. To not be in the way all the time because I'm so slow. To be able to play more than two pieces on a concert. To be able to keep up to everyone. To be able to walk from here to there. To not be in pain. To be able to get on a coach bus and not think anything of it.

...But it's so much better than it was five months ago. I've come farther than anyone knows. It's hard, though, feeling like everyone around me is moving on with their lives and I'm stuck sometime in October of last year.

parking problems, cont'd

parking problems, cont'd

I am making a note of this mostly just for my records: I skipped my 10:00 class today because I couldn't find a parking spot. This is the third or fourth time I've missed this class for that reason. I drove around the HHH lots from 9:43 - 10:08 and none of the handicap spots opened up.

My options were to park at a 20-minute meter and face up to $20 in tickets (and be late to class), park in a GF spot at the far end of the main lot (and be late to class), or skip. Since the lot was slippery and my ankle is feeling sore and unstable today, I opted to skip. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to resort to that (hence the 25 mins of driving around) because I'm going to miss Wednesday and Friday when I'm on tour. I am so sick of this. Under normal circumstances, I don't skip class. What a fucking waste of my tuition money. I feel like the education I'm paying for isn't available to me because I'm handicapped.

weekend in review

weekend in review

Here's what I have been up to:

My house is clean!!! Raji came over Friday night and helped me clean my bedroom, and it looks great now. I have so much more space. When I moved back in, stuff got piled in my room and I never had the time or energy or physical ability to sift through everything and put it away. Yesterday Ali and I cleaned the rest of the house, and it looks so nice now.

Yesterday Ali and I had a party, and it was awesome! A ton of people came over and I had a really good time. Thank you, everyone who was here! Andrea and I bonded over a bowl of wop and several trays of jello shots... Good times.

Friday I went to the doctor because I could tell my ankle was starting to get infected. It's kind of sad that I'm so used to infections. My doctor is really frustrated with my ankle, and now he wants to go in and take the metal out. I could get it done over spring break. I'm really back and forth on whether I want him to do it or not. I'll list the pros and cons - maybe that will help me decide...

pros:
- it will probably heal up once and for all, since the metal is obviously irritating my skin
- maybe it won't hurt so much anymore
- basically metal sucks, so it would be nice to have it out
- maybe my ankle will look normal again someday
- my ankle will probably be less stiff once I fully recover, since my leg bones would no longer be screwed together

cons:
- ankle surgeries are so painful
- I might end up back where we started: with an incision that won't close & keeps getting infected... that's getting old
- if the incision STILL doesn't close after getting the metal taken out, I'll have to go to Rochester to have another specialist do another surgery
- my ankle might be more instable without the metal, though I shouldn't really need it anymore
- I'll be laid up for a little bit again

Sorry, that little exercise was pretty much for my benefit. I think I'll wait to see if the incision heals up more in the next week or so and then I'll decide.

Tonight I had another rehearsal for the Viennese Ball. It was really tiring. I wonder if I'll be able to swing dance again in time for the ball... or wear heels... probably not. But who knows, it's still seven weeks away.

Today it snowed a lot. It was the really heavy kind of snow, and it made me wish I could go play in the field and build a snowman, but instead the snow just made me achy and crabby. Oh well.

Yesterday I realized that the accident happened about five months ago. That's almost half a year ago. Can you believe it? It doesn't seem like something that happened so long ago, and it's almost weird to talk about it in past-tense, since it's still affecting every aspect of my life. On the CFMA page I found a link to a column about the accident and how it changed all of us for a week in October. The guy who wrote it deserves a lot of credit because he's also the one who's been maintaining the webpage, so I feel bad criticising him, but... A week? Are you kidding me? It's like Renee said in a couple of her posts - there's life before a tragedy and life after, and they are two very different things. For me that's especially true because my life was (and continues to be) interrupted due to the severity of my injuries. But it wasn't as bad as it could have been, and that's something I appreciate every single day. The disparity between my old life and the new gets a little smaller with each new accomplishment, and I'm thankful for that too.

Wow, this post was pretty random. Anyway, thank you everyone who's been reading my blog - I appreciate all the support. :)

free parking

free parking

Welp, I should probably tell the sticker story. I debated whether or not I should put it on here for the world to see because I don't want to drag names through the mud, but I think I want people to hear it anyway.

Yesterday after physical therapy, I went straight to a class in HHH. As usual, there was nowhere to park because there are like 0.0003 handicap parking spots per handicapped person (I made that up but it's probably true). In a fit of desperation, I parked in the lot for the ecumenical religious center, despite the signs that say it's not a university lot. I figured that a handicap spot is a handicap spot, right? In any case, my only options were to park there or skip my class because UWEC's handicap accomodations are woefully inadequate. I figured I might get a ticket or a warning or something, but my car was only going to be there for about an hour.

I came out to my car an hour later and saw something yellow on it. As I got closer, I noticed it was a big fucking sticker on my door that said something about how I shouldn't have parked there, and written on it was some snarky note telling me to not park there ever again. I tried to take the sticker off and only the corners would come off.

Great. I just got this car three days ago and now there's this shit all over it. I met my mom for lunch right afterwards and showed it to her, and she was pissed. She vowed to find whoever did it and give them a piece of her mind.

As it turns out, it was the fucking MINISTER who did it.

First of all: WHAT THE FUCK???????????????????????????????

Secondly: a simple note would have sufficed, he didn't need to vandalize my car.

Well, my mom went in to talk to the guy, and I guess he was a real jerk about it. Apparently he even told my mom that students often steal their grandparents' handicap tags and he figured I'd done that (obviously he didn't see me limp away from my car). You'd think, of all the people in the world, a fucking minister would understand that I was in a horrible accident and now I can't walk very far. He's a man of god - what happened to compassion, and forgiveness, and being non-judgemental? If all else fails, like I said, at least he could have LEFT A NOTE instead of being such an asshole.

My mom came over to help me get the stupid thing off, but we couldn't remove the adhesive even by using rubbing alcohol and scraping at it. We ended up taking it in to a body shop and they had to use some special cleaner on it. The sticker was clearly made for use on a window, not on paint. I told my mom I was going to go in and talk to the minister, but she said she would write an email and so I should leave it up to her.

My mom wrote an email that night and he replied this morning. Surprisingly, he offered to "work something out" if I continue to have problems parking on campus, but I'd rather skip class due to lack of parking spots than deal with him again. He kind of apologized in the email but still was pretty much a jerk. He just didn't seem to understand that one should never, for any reason, put a sticker on the paint of someone else's car.

Anyway, I was really upset by the whole situation. I couldn't believe someone could be such a jerk. I decided to post this story on my blog because it raises a lot of issues. First of all, as I've said, our campus doesn't have nearly enough handicap parking spots. I should mention, though, that the university has a van that drives handicapped people around between classes. I haven't used it yet because I'd rather drive myself to class on my own schedule, but it's nice to know that service is available. Ideally I shouldn't have to worry about whether or not I can find a parking spot. I have a meeting set up with a student senator who is on the committee that deals with parking issues and accessibility, so we'll see what comes out of that. It would be nice if, in the future, people who find themselves in similar situations won't have to worry about parking.

Another aspect that makes this story outrageous is the fact that I'm handicapped. It's not like I was just too lazy to find a spot in a university lot, and so I dumped my car in the religious center lot so I wouldn't have to walk farther and be late for class. I physically can't walk very far. It takes all of my energy to walk from my car to class.

Some days the lack of handicap accessibility on our campus makes me want to go home and cry instead of going to class and dealing with the frustration and humiliation. When I was in the wheelchair, I felt like that pretty much any time I went to a class that wasn't in the fine arts building. Yesterday I felt like that again. I'm starting to feel like that more often again when people don't understand what I'm going through. Last week I didn't do an assignment for my physics class because I was too exhausted and sick because I was going through withdrawal. I asked the professor if it was okay to turn the assignment in late, and he told me he doesn't accept late work. Last week I also had to cancel my weekly appointment with my research advisor for the same reason, and I can tell he's starting to get impatient with me. I feel like people are starting to hold me to higher standards because I'm starting to look pretty much normal again, but what they don't understand is that I'm still in a lot of pain and I'm exhausted. I still need a lot of help, but I know part of it is my own fault - I'm bad at asking for help. But I didn't really want to give my life story to my physics prof just so he'd accept my late assignment. When I was bed-ridden, all I wanted was to be able to look and act "normal" again. Now that I'm almost to that point, people are assuming I am normal again. I don't know if I did a very good job putting all that into words, but whatever. You probably get what I mean.